Hanukkah For Dummmies

In 168 BC,
Things looked badly for the Jews,
It seemed the Greek emperor,
Wanted them to worship Zeus.

The Jews they didn’t like this,
And the Jews said, “Oy yoy yoy,
Who is this meshuggeneh?
I think that he’s a goy!”

And so the Jews did dissent,
To the mountains they did flee,
And this brave group of rebels,
Were known as the Maccabees.

(And to avoid confusion,
And set you straight on your facts,
This wasn’t the group of hippies,
Who followed Fleetwood Mac.)

And so a war did ensue,
And it was quite a ruckus,
The Jews said “We worship freely,
Or we’re gonna kick your tokhes!”

I don’t know how they did it,
But the Jews thwarted the Greeks,
Cause I’ve read Greek mythology,
Have you seen those physiques?

They got back to their temple,
Old hang of the Greek army,
Though they did not win the war,
They sure knew how to party!

The place smelled to high heaven,
With a very potent odor,
And so the Jews said “Oy vey!
This probably’s not kosher!”

And so then they decided,
To make holiness return,
They would light a menorah,
With the oil there to burn.

But when they saw their supplies,
All the women did kvetch,
“Hey, I told you to buy more!
Now there’s barely any left!”

So the men said,”Just relax,
We’ll get more and come back.”
“But it will take you 8 days,
To get to Avi’s Glatt!”

So the women worried,
And they put up a tsimes,
But God said “Relax ladies,
Yo bubalas, I got this.”

With God as their copilot,
There was no time to toil,
They said “Let’s blow this matzah stand,
And go get us some oil!”

They returned to the menorah lit,
And nothing could be greater,
They made a righteous party,
Fit to outdo the seder.

And to give thanks to their God,
For doing the people good,
Jews spend 8 days and nights each year,
Eating fried, oil based food.

In January when they’re done,
Giving their thanks to him,
They search for the best Groupons,
So that they can join the gym.

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….and that kids, is the story of Hanukkah…

 

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73 thoughts on “Hanukkah For Dummmies

  1. Aside from being educational and splendidly composed you really must try to keep focused young Marissa for I spotted that bit about ‘physiques’ and Greeks. So very, very wrong for a gal to get carried away on such ideas.

    • Inspired by an episode of Will and Grace when Megan Mullalley’s character told ‘Grace’ that her Jewish honeymoon would consist of them ‘trying to find the sunblock with the highest SPF at the lowest price.” Thanks Joan!

  2. Hah! Brings me back to the days on LawnGuyland eating the knishes but avoiding the kfelte fish with my buds studying for their bar mitzah while I was trying to avoid catechism classes, Melissa. Somebody somewhere is spinning the dreidl in glee!

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