Silver Linings

When the temperature plummets to the nth degree,
And you’re sure there must be somewhere better to be,
When you’re crammed in a club that’s dark and way too loud,
And you’re fighting off a drunk bridge and tunnel crowd,
When looking back, the highlight of your night so far,
Was talking to that stranger you met by the bar,
Though admittedly he’s not what you’d call pretty,
At least he made you laugh and was somewhat witty,
A midnight kiss in the cards? You think what the hell!,
Till across the room you see, he’s kissing someone else.

When you find yourself deep in a conversation,
With a college girl who flew in on vacation,
When you find yourself holed up in a bathroom somewhere,
She’s throwing up her guts as you’re holding her hair,
It’s clear her affection for you is quite telling,
You’re declared her best friend amidst the expelling.

When you’re back on the streets, finally see your friends,
Through the window of a pub down at the north end,
You smile with happiness as you start to think,
How nice it would be just to stop in for a drink,
The bouncer informs you this comes with the condition,
Of coughing up the 50 bucks for admission.

When 5 AM finds you in a place no finer,
Than at the dank, depressing, greasy spoon diner,
Where you come stumbling in with a sloppy gait,
Cause at some point you lost your heel in a sewer grate,
You reflect on a night you think never again, You,
order the most fattening thing on the menu,
And your makeup is running and your breath is sour,
Another resolution shot to hell in 5 hours,
And you raise a coffee cup to silently cheer,
How it’s already so much better than last year.

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Resolution Solution

As the New Year looms large,
Many will consult,
Their old resolutions,
To assess results.

And I’m happy to say,
That I’ve done my best,
Despite minor upsets,
A rousing success,

It seems every issue,
That once did exist,
I have finally been able,
To cross off my list.

And for this I can thank,
The judge, and my lawyer,
A fine legal system,
Restraining orders.

And next year we can see,
Just who will be thankful,
When they take this tracking,
Device off my ankle.

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Inventory

A toaster, an electric knife,
Boots that you abhor,
A whole season’s DVDs,
Of ‘The Jersey Shore’.

Self help books on etiquette, or,
Raising self esteem,
A doorknob, a spatula,
Anti wrinkle cream.

A dirty sweater with a stain,
A calorie chart,
A stale and moldy fruitcake,
A gift card for Kmart.

An ugly tie with fish on it,
A picture that won’t hang,
A collection of each song,
Bruce Willis ever sang.

A day for dumpster diving,
Prepare to go deep,
Among gift wrap and turkey legs,
To dig up those receipts.

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The Light Before Christmas

Twas the night before Christmas,
Black light filled the room,
And we were all trippin’,
On reefer and ‘shrooms.

Lots of cool ganja,
Was passed around,
Till Loomis said “Hey man,
Did you hear that sound?”

We decided it nothing,
‘Cause we all agreed,
We were pretty out of it,
After that weed.

But wouldn’t you know it?
With a clang and shimmy,
Some old fat guy,
Came down our chimney!

He was dressed all in red,
With a long white beard,
Stoner Jim said “Trippy,”
Moonbeam said “Weird.”

But I guess Haze must have,
Had a bad batch,
He tore open the shutter,
And threw up the sash.

Screaming something ’bout elves,
And little fat men,
And you know we never ,
Saw poor Haze again…

But back to the story,
Jim said “Rock n’ roll!
Look the old dude,
Brought his own bowl!”

He told funny stories,
About crazy elves,
And we laughed when we heard them,
In spite of ourselves.

And how Mrs. Clause,
Is really incredible,
And cooks up mad batches,
Of righteous edibles.

And how he was sure,
He had overdosed,
When he saw Rudolf,
And that freaky nose.

And then suddenly,
He said “Hey man,
It’s time to blow,
This taco stand.”

And placing the bong,
Over his mouth and nose,
And inhaling deeply,
Up the chimney he rose.

And I heard him exclaim,
As he took to the sky,
“Merry Christmas to all,
I’m so fucking high!”

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Frankincense and Murder

With Christmas coming their way soon,
All are getting frantic,
Making plans and assigning roles,
For the winter pageant.

But by and by the claws come out,
An ugly scene indeed,
As each mother becomes convinced,
Her child play the lead.

For it could not be Candy Lynn,
That would just be scary,
A girl who goes to second base,
To play Mother Mary?

They cast Joanne’s boy as Joseph,
Goodness what have they done?
Surely not for his acting but,
‘Cause he’s the pastor’s son.

Little Ron as Baby Jesus,
A strange choice for the savior,
At 6 foot 4 most really doubt,
He’ll fit into the manger.

So the day of the play arrives,
Parents mad and snobby,
Tension you can cut like a knife,
As they crowd the lobby.

Mrs. Smith and Winters argue,
And it ends bitterly,
In a fight where both nearly fall,
Over the balcony.

And Mrs. Adams is outraged,
Her feelings run amuck,
See if she brings her prized meatballs,
To the church’s potluck.

But the play goes off well enough,
Despite drama and doubt,
And the many props that fell and,
Mikes that kept going out.

The children had a lot of fun,
In their acting premier,
But most would never act again,
Or participate next year.

And though they will not admit it,
I think deep down they know,
It was the sheep and not the leads,
That really stole the show.

And in the end we’re all left with,
Those few bitter mothers,
Now just a bunch of old ladies,
Who still hate each other.

Thank you to Bright Spots and her post The Christmas Pageant Rat Race for the inspiration!

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