Silver Linings

When the temperature plummets to the nth degree,
And you’re sure there must be somewhere better to be,
When you’re crammed in a club that’s dark and way too loud,
And you’re fighting off a drunk bridge and tunnel crowd,
When looking back, the highlight of your night so far,
Was talking to that stranger you met by the bar,
Though admittedly he’s not what you’d call pretty,
At least he made you laugh and was somewhat witty,
A midnight kiss in the cards? You think what the hell!,
Till across the room you see, he’s kissing someone else.

When you find yourself deep in a conversation,
With a college girl who flew in on vacation,
When you find yourself holed up in a bathroom somewhere,
She’s throwing up her guts as you’re holding her hair,
It’s clear her affection for you is quite telling,
You’re declared her best friend amidst the expelling.

When you’re back on the streets, finally see your friends,
Through the window of a pub down at the north end,
You smile with happiness as you start to think,
How nice it would be just to stop in for a drink,
The bouncer informs you this comes with the condition,
Of coughing up the 50 bucks for admission.

When 5 AM finds you in a place no finer,
Than at the dank, depressing, greasy spoon diner,
Where you come stumbling in with a sloppy gait,
Cause at some point you lost your heel in a sewer grate,
You reflect on a night you think never again, You,
order the most fattening thing on the menu,
And your makeup is running and your breath is sour,
Another resolution shot to hell in 5 hours,
And you raise a coffee cup to silently cheer,
How it’s already so much better than last year.

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Resolution Solution

As the New Year looms large,
Many will consult,
Their old resolutions,
To assess results.

And I’m happy to say,
That I’ve done my best,
Despite minor upsets,
A rousing success,

It seems every issue,
That once did exist,
I have finally been able,
To cross off my list.

And for this I can thank,
The judge, and my lawyer,
A fine legal system,
Restraining orders.

And next year we can see,
Just who will be thankful,
When they take this tracking,
Device off my ankle.

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Inventory

A toaster, an electric knife,
Boots that you abhor,
A whole season’s DVDs,
Of ‘The Jersey Shore’.

Self help books on etiquette, or,
Raising self esteem,
A doorknob, a spatula,
Anti wrinkle cream.

A dirty sweater with a stain,
A calorie chart,
A stale and moldy fruitcake,
A gift card for Kmart.

An ugly tie with fish on it,
A picture that won’t hang,
A collection of each song,
Bruce Willis ever sang.

A day for dumpster diving,
Prepare to go deep,
Among gift wrap and turkey legs,
To dig up those receipts.

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The Light Before Christmas

Twas the night before Christmas,
Black light filled the room,
And we were all trippin’,
On reefer and ‘shrooms.

Lots of cool ganja,
Was passed around,
Till Loomis said “Hey man,
Did you hear that sound?”

We decided it nothing,
‘Cause we all agreed,
We were pretty out of it,
After that weed.

But wouldn’t you know it?
With a clang and shimmy,
Some old fat guy,
Came down our chimney!

He was dressed all in red,
With a long white beard,
Stoner Jim said “Trippy,”
Moonbeam said “Weird.”

But I guess Haze must have,
Had a bad batch,
He tore open the shutter,
And threw up the sash.

Screaming something ’bout elves,
And little fat men,
And you know we never ,
Saw poor Haze again…

But back to the story,
Jim said “Rock n’ roll!
Look the old dude,
Brought his own bowl!”

He told funny stories,
About crazy elves,
And we laughed when we heard them,
In spite of ourselves.

And how Mrs. Clause,
Is really incredible,
And cooks up mad batches,
Of righteous edibles.

And how he was sure,
He had overdosed,
When he saw Rudolf,
And that freaky nose.

And then suddenly,
He said “Hey man,
It’s time to blow,
This taco stand.”

And placing the bong,
Over his mouth and nose,
And inhaling deeply,
Up the chimney he rose.

And I heard him exclaim,
As he took to the sky,
“Merry Christmas to all,
I’m so fucking high!”

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Frankincense and Murder

With Christmas coming their way soon,
All are getting frantic,
Making plans and assigning roles,
For the winter pageant.

But by and by the claws come out,
An ugly scene indeed,
As each mother becomes convinced,
Her child play the lead.

For it could not be Candy Lynn,
That would just be scary,
A girl who goes to second base,
To play Mother Mary?

They cast Joanne’s boy as Joseph,
Goodness what have they done?
Surely not for his acting but,
‘Cause he’s the pastor’s son.

Little Ron as Baby Jesus,
A strange choice for the savior,
At 6 foot 4 most really doubt,
He’ll fit into the manger.

So the day of the play arrives,
Parents mad and snobby,
Tension you can cut like a knife,
As they crowd the lobby.

Mrs. Smith and Winters argue,
And it ends bitterly,
In a fight where both nearly fall,
Over the balcony.

And Mrs. Adams is outraged,
Her feelings run amuck,
See if she brings her prized meatballs,
To the church’s potluck.

But the play goes off well enough,
Despite drama and doubt,
And the many props that fell and,
Mikes that kept going out.

The children had a lot of fun,
In their acting premier,
But most would never act again,
Or participate next year.

And though they will not admit it,
I think deep down they know,
It was the sheep and not the leads,
That really stole the show.

And in the end we’re all left with,
Those few bitter mothers,
Now just a bunch of old ladies,
Who still hate each other.

Thank you to Bright Spots and her post The Christmas Pageant Rat Race for the inspiration!

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Hanukkah For Dummmies

In 168 BC,
Things looked badly for the Jews,
It seemed the Greek emperor,
Wanted them to worship Zeus.

The Jews they didn’t like this,
And the Jews said, “Oy yoy yoy,
Who is this meshuggeneh?
I think that he’s a goy!”

And so the Jews did dissent,
To the mountains they did flee,
And this brave group of rebels,
Were known as the Maccabees.

(And to avoid confusion,
And set you straight on your facts,
This wasn’t the group of hippies,
Who followed Fleetwood Mac.)

And so a war did ensue,
And it was quite a ruckus,
The Jews said “We worship freely,
Or we’re gonna kick your tokhes!”

I don’t know how they did it,
But the Jews thwarted the Greeks,
Cause I’ve read Greek mythology,
Have you seen those physiques?

They got back to their temple,
Old hang of the Greek army,
Though they did not win the war,
They sure knew how to party!

The place smelled to high heaven,
With a very potent odor,
And so the Jews said “Oy vey!
This probably’s not kosher!”

And so then they decided,
To make holiness return,
They would light a menorah,
With the oil there to burn.

But when they saw their supplies,
All the women did kvetch,
“Hey, I told you to buy more!
Now there’s barely any left!”

So the men said,”Just relax,
We’ll get more and come back.”
“But it will take you 8 days,
To get to Avi’s Glatt!”

So the women worried,
And they put up a tsimes,
But God said “Relax ladies,
Yo bubalas, I got this.”

With God as their copilot,
There was no time to toil,
They said “Let’s blow this matzah stand,
And go get us some oil!”

They returned to the menorah lit,
And nothing could be greater,
They made a righteous party,
Fit to outdo the seder.

And to give thanks to their God,
For doing the people good,
Jews spend 8 days and nights each year,
Eating fried, oil based food.

In January when they’re done,
Giving their thanks to him,
They search for the best Groupons,
So that they can join the gym.

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….and that kids, is the story of Hanukkah…

 

The Great Christmas Light Plight

For Every Christmas season,
Our dear neighbor Larry’d race,
To make a Christmas nightmare,
One could see from outer space.

Every year we hoped he’s stop,
But there he’d be with vigor,
With lights and decorations,
The excrescence got bigger.

And so me and my husband,
Tried to settle for the night,
When the sound of jingle bells,
And blinding rays of light,

Would come in through our windows,
From all sides front and back,
We knew not was it Christmas,
Or a terrorist attack.

We tried to confront Larry,
But we just became fearful,
We would ruin the poor guy’s life,
He was just so cheerful.

He told a story of how,
His mom loved to decorate,
And how this festive showing,
To her he would dedicate.

A mother’s love at Christmas,
There could be no replacement,
(But Larry was 45,
And living in her basement.)

And so every coming year,
Found us waiting in dread,
To see what new monstrosity,
Larry pulled from his shed.

An inflatable Santa,
Reindeers wearing people clothes,
A cheap version of Rudolf,
That no longer had a nose.

Mrs. Clause in a bikini,
And before you can say cheesy,
Little garden elves that were,
Suspiciously creepy!

So we had to deal with Larry’s,
Enthusiastic ways,
When it seems we didn’t see him,
For a couple of days.

At first we thought he might have,
Gotten lost by the tree light,
Made a left at Santa’s workshop,
When he should have made a right.

But days passed by and poor Larry,
Still was a no show,
So into the wilderness,
Of the Christmas lights we’d go.

It seemed some tangled wires,
Had spelled imminent danger,
And twisted ’round Larry’s neck,
He swung above the manger.

And now for the holidays,
Our town has no Christmas cheer,
And missing our poor neighbor,
It inspired an idea.

No Santa did we erect,
To recreate Larry’s site,
But just the dear guy’s likeness,
Surrounded by Christmas lights.

That goes up in November,
And comes down on New Years Day,
And somehow we know Larry,
Would have wanted it this way.

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12 Days

I had a man at Christmas who,
Was just too romantic,
I prayed the season would end soon,
I was getting frantic.

Although I must admit to you,
I was also amazed,
Same as the song, the gifts he gave,
On each of the 12 days.

(Although whether there are 12 days,
I don’t really believe,
And often only can count 2,
Those Christmas Day and Eve.)

I tried hard to control my tongue,
But soon I was reeling,
I had to let my anger out,
The hell with his feelings.

“After all this time you should know,
I’m just not a farm gal,
So take the doves, the hens, the geese,
The fowl is smelling fowl!

This partridge looks suspiciously,
Like a pigeon to me,
But either way it seems he shat,
All over the pear tree.

Ladies dancing, maids a milking,
Looks like you did recruit,
The members of the Spice Girls and,
Their entire dance troop.

The lords never will stop leaping,
Although I do suppose,
They are quite eloquently groomed,
And have great taste in clothes.

The pipers they pipe gleefully,
Which could be a delight,
If they played something other than,
Traditional bagpipes.

Those drummers drumming, there’s a gift,
That I could understand,
Until I found all 12 of them,
Already quit my band.

But those golden rings I will keep,
From my Christmas Cupid,
I may be a bit of a grinch,
But mama ain’t stupid!”

And as for my poor old boyfriend,
And what happened to him,
Well you might say that my tirade,
Ended in a win win.

I told him what I thought and he,
Didn’t run off weeping,
But with 2 milk maids on each arm,
And three lords a leaping.

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