Hanukkah For Dummmies

In 168 BC,
Things looked badly for the Jews,
It seemed the Greek emperor,
Wanted them to worship Zeus.

The Jews they didn’t like this,
And the Jews said, “Oy yoy yoy,
Who is this meshuggeneh?
I think that he’s a goy!”

And so the Jews did dissent,
To the mountains they did flee,
And this brave group of rebels,
Were known as the Maccabees.

(And to avoid confusion,
And set you straight on your facts,
This wasn’t the group of hippies,
Who followed Fleetwood Mac.)

And so a war did ensue,
And it was quite a ruckus,
The Jews said “We worship freely,
Or we’re gonna kick your tokhes!”

I don’t know how they did it,
But the Jews thwarted the Greeks,
Cause I’ve read Greek mythology,
Have you seen those physiques?

They got back to their temple,
Old hang of the Greek army,
Though they did not win the war,
They sure knew how to party!

The place smelled to high heaven,
With a very potent odor,
And so the Jews said “Oy vey!
This probably’s not kosher!”

And so then they decided,
To make holiness return,
They would light a menorah,
With the oil there to burn.

But when they saw their supplies,
All the women did kvetch,
“Hey, I told you to buy more!
Now there’s barely any left!”

So the men said,”Just relax,
We’ll get more and come back.”
“But it will take you 8 days,
To get to Avi’s Glatt!”

So the women worried,
And they put up a tsimes,
But God said “Relax ladies,
Yo bubalas, I got this.”

With God as their copilot,
There was no time to toil,
They said “Let’s blow this matzah stand,
And go get us some oil!”

They returned to the menorah lit,
And nothing could be greater,
They made a righteous party,
Fit to outdo the seder.

And to give thanks to their God,
For doing the people good,
Jews spend 8 days and nights each year,
Eating fried, oil based food.

In January when they’re done,
Giving their thanks to him,
They search for the best Groupons,
So that they can join the gym.

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….and that kids, is the story of Hanukkah…

 

Greek Gods: Where Are They Now?

The reign of the Greek Gods has ended,
The Kingdom of Olympus is gone,
But yet the Gods were immortal,
And surely they live on.
So we gathered our forces,
And can show you how,
They live today on this episode,
of ‘Greek Gods Where  Are They Now?’

Hera and Zeus finally got a divorce,
In 1975,
They both are living happily now,
Enjoying the single life.
Zeus relishes his freedom,
Now that they are no longer together,
He camps out in the Playboy mansion,
And goes by the name Hugh Hefner.
Hera’s a public figure,
And allows us all to witness,
Her dramas on the reality show,
Real housewives of Mt. Olympus.

Hades found his lot in life,
Selling up cruise control,
He works as a used car salesman,
A junker in turn for your soul.
Poseidon says he rarely misses,
Ruling the ocean blue,
Now he works at Sea World,
Training the great Shamu.

Hermes was sentenced to prison for life,
But can barely suppress a chortle,
The joke will be on the system,
When they find he is immortal.
Aphrodite is a columnist at Cosmo,
With perhaps a hint of sarcasm,
She tells middle aged ladies,
How to fake an orgasm.

Athena’s a computer consultant,
A profession she proclaims a dream,
While Artemis and Apollo kick ass,
On a WWE wrestling team.
Dionysus’ hard living caught up with him,
Now the town drunk, he learned his lesson,
And often sees Hephaestus on the streets,
Peddling illegal weapons.

Demeter’s still in agriculture,
Among the flora and fauna,
She works hard tending to her crops,
Of skunky marijuana.
Ares now regrets his ways,
And sways most compassionate,
As he runs a class in Cyprus,
Counseling anger management.

The Greek gods served their purpose well,
And heeded to the calling,
And now we can only think with regret,
Of how the mighty have fallen.
For it seems that modern times,
Have put them through the ringer,
Be sure to tune in next week,
When they reunite on Springer.

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