Fifteen

Fifteen pairs of underwear
Left on the bedroom floor
Fourteen items I forgot
To pick up from the store

Thirteen times reminding you
About tomorrow’s plans
Twelve frenzied calls from freeways cause
I don’t know where I am

Eleven times of coming home
From a day from hell
Ten TV dinners eaten that
Did not heat up too well

Nine times I asked “the garbage out?”
You claimed you didn’t hear
Eight peanut butter Oreos
That somehow disappeared

Seven days complaining that
I’ve got nothing to wear
Six drains that need plumbing since
They’re clogged up with my hair

Five neighbors pissed because we are
Rehearsing on their heads
Don’t forget the four in-laws
I think that’s enough said

About three dumpsters worth of junk
That have since accrued
The two monkeys that lie around
And eat up all our food

And then one other sleepless night
Spent listening to you snore
But I love you darling
So here’s to 15 more

For my husband on our Anniversary!

Inspired with the help of Dina over at Wine and Cheese Doodles and her post 15 to Life.

All That I Am Taking

Leaving for a week or so
My fave vacation spot
This time I promised to myself
I wouldn’t pack a lot

A toothbrush and a change of clothes
Nothing too backbreaking
Some lip gloss and some underwear
That’s all that I am taking

And that’s it now I guess I am
All set for my departure
Perhaps I’ll bring my laptop don’t
Forget it’s case and charger

Some bandaids and some aspirin too
If feet or head start aching
That’s absolutely positively
All that I am taking

But what if my clothes wrinkle due
To how they have been stored?
I better take my iron and
So hence my ironing board

Some sunscreen, moisturizer just
In case my skin is flaking
That does it! I swear that this will
Be all that I am taking

But food can be expensive so
It’s pretty wise I pack
A few bottles of water and
About a dozen snacks

And maybe too some pots and pans
For frying and some baking
I double pinkie promise you
That’s all that I am taking

But time wore on and my resolve
Was weakening with doubt
My mind obsessed with what to take
And what I should leave out

My bunny slippers, magazines
Some mouthwash and a flask
Dog food, rollers, panty hose
A scuba diving mask

I worried, fretting, stuffed and zipped
Til early morning light
And by that time I realized I
Had somehow missed my flight

A bit of a take off on my last blog and further inspired by a blogversation I had with wonderful blogger and friend Joanne Sisco.

Memories Of A Not So Free Festival

She set off to Coachella with
Some flowers in her hair
And 30 pairs of jean shorts in
The 3 days each she’d wear

To cavort with the great unwashed
In land of milk and honey
Who also bought their passes with
Their daddy’s hard earned money

And much more to buy water, henna
Tattoos for her body
Seeks fleeting glimpses at romance
Inside a porta potty

Her iPhone at the ready cause
Her trip ain’t worth a damn
If she can’t post up selfies of it
On to Instagram

She’s pissed because she lost her favorite
Pair of black sunglasses
Distracted to the point she may have
Ate the yellow acid

And in harsh light of Monday to
Suburban home she’s crawling
Sure she’s summoned to a higher
Spiritual calling

And so it goes, I would say
A good 6, 7 days
What here to now on shall be known
As her Moonbeam phase

When asked about the music clear
She barely understands
Furrows her pretty brow and asks
“You mean, there were bands?”

Inspired by the Coachella festival which took place in California’s Coachella Valley the past two weekends. This is not meant to typify everybody that goes to these things.

The Appointment

Every day he tells her that

He’s come in for his meeting

He’s lucky if he gets a scowl or

If at all a greeting

He knows his place, a chair that neither

Rests his back or feet

If asked what it was made of he

Would prob’ly guess concrete

Her coffee is a blackened brew

That frankly tastes like crap

And if he begs a cup it likely’d

End up in his lap

Her phone’s lit up with callers who

Have long since been condemned

To hear the same 2 bars of muzak

For hours on end

He knows the office drill if someone’s

Knocking at the door

She grunts at him to answer she

Just got a manicure

And after waiting hours and

The day turns into evening

She tells him that the boss stepped out

Though no one saw him leaving

He’ll go back to his dungeon sure

To return the next day

And hopes she’ll be attired in

Her leather bustier.

 

Pretty Clothes

 

I’ve been floating in 1975
Between Mick Jagger and Stayin’ Alive
Cause that old Beatles haircut just would not do
Said Johnny Rotten so I died it blue

With old bell bottoms from my mom
Put on my shades and I’m Elton John
With platform shoes so fine and showy
I must be Prince or David Bowie

                                

Verse 2:

I’m feeling a little bit down these days
I dress like John Lennon in his heroin phase
My sister’s dressed up just like dead great eccentrics
Somewhere between Joplin and Hendrix

My mother she laughs at my short little skirts
And wonders why I rip all my tee shirts
Searching the wardrobe for that perfect blouse
And if I don’t find it well I don’t leave the house

           

Verse 3:

On a shopping spree of the Lower East Side
I pack all my bags as I swallow my pride
I’ll haggle I’ll bargain I’ll buy it by mail
Just blindfold and guide me to a sign that says sale

Lookin’ all over for my pretty stuff
And no matter how much its never enough
Cause I’m lookin so fine from my head to my toes
I never have money but I always have clothes

          

Chorus

Go go boots seersucker suits
Consult my wardrobe dye my roots
Bell bottom blues front page news
Psycho psychedelic hues
Color me silver color me gold
But never mess my pretty clothes

I’ve been a bit braindead this weekend so decided to post lyrics from a song from my old band Sisters Grimm.

One Woman’s Trash

Oh to me talk me discarded frock
With stories no one knows
Let’s go mingle to the lingo
Of discarded clothes

And without fail I’ll tell your tale
Great polyester find
My fingers track the thrift store racks
And so I read your mind

An open back sure has the knack
A sexy look for sure
But if it’s frigid things go rigid
Now where to put that bra

And watch the incline on those heels
Though absolutely stunning
Pained back and toes they had to go
I could have seen that coming

A tank dress always spells success
When one is keeping cool
So rayon fine, linen divine
But this one is black wool

A cummerbund that’s since been shunned
A shoe made like a slipper
A cocktail dress that might impress
If I could reach the zipper

This sequin one will come undone
Watch you don’t pull that thread
Or sweater set if I could get
This damn thing past my head

I fin’ly see the one for me
I tell you she’s a charmer
The price is right fits nice and tight
I say “come home with mama”

It seems perfection but obsession
Nags me til this day
If it’s so great what was it made
Someone give it away?

One Day I’ll Find A Body

When every leaf is a dead body
Of the rodent caste
And each discarded rag a pigeon
That has long since passed

The sidewalks telling stories of
A jaded negativity
A rope sentenced as guilty for
Weird sexual activity

A pair of old discarded boots
Left lonely in the street
I’m sure each hold their designated
Now dismembered feet

All typical of just another
Walk on my work day
When I see an old used condom and
Just ponder “How cliche”

A bit of a departure for me but a true rendering of my break-time outings at work ever since my office moved from an upscale neighborhood in Sherman Oaks to an industrial ghetto in Van Nuys. Highlights have included a rat scurrying under my sandaled feet and a man driving by who pulled up to me to ask if I was ‘working’. The image below is an actual street view, but the office is buried all the way in the back of the lot and I think the picture doesn’t near do the disgustingness of the place justice. Maybe next time I can embed the smell.

 

 

I Faked My Death On Facebook

I faked my death on Facebook
Forged up a sham account
And posted that I got stuck in
A chocolate vat and drowned

And came outpourings of concern
From family, friends and bosses
Along with 50 mediocre
‘Sorry for your losses’

And Jane who one day stopped liking
My posts all of a sudden
What did it mean? She heard the news
And just pressed the like button

Or my in laws that said “Too bad
To hear of this but look
Maybe now you’ll find someone
Who actually can cook”

But really just a lot of love
Was the all over trend
10 people that I hardly knew
Claimed they were my best friend

And commemorated me just like
I was the latest fad
Wrote lovely posts with memories
I’m sure I never had

And for three days I was the hottest
Trending news by far
Til Cam’s dog had to go and get
Run over by a car.

A Convenient Inconvenience

I don’t want to see the dentist
No where no how no way
I think I will reschedule to
The 25th of May

The fateful day would roll around
I’d suddenly remember
I had to wash my hair so I
Rebooked to late December

But oh what was I thinking with
The holidays and all
Don’t think I’ll be available
Til next year in the fall

So we’re all good for October
Of 2017
But then I realized that that was
Right before Halloween

I’m gone for most of the next year
Which seemed a great relief
It didn’t seem like a good year
For me to clean my teeth

The two years after that there is
A highly likely chance
But don’t you know they just don’t book
That far off in advance

Which I find unacceptable
In fact it’s just horrendous
So now I’ll have to find the time
To choose a different dentist

Which puts it off for 5 years more
Well that would be my guess
And chances are that by that time
I won’t have no teeth left.

My Imaginary Friend

I had a best friend helped me out
Of sticky situations
Even though her origin
Was my imagination

At crowded movies if the seat
Right next to me was bare
I’d say “sorry my imaginary
Friend is sitting there”

If conversations were a bore
And went on with out end
I’d be saved by a call from my
Imaginary friend

If I was eating ice cream someone
Thought was meant for two
“I’m sharing with my unseen friend
Who’s come down with the flu”

Some people didn’t like her but
I think they were plain evil
Haters with something against
Imaginary people

So besties we were for some time
Til hit with rotten luck
My imaginary friend was run down
By a big Mack truck

I did my best to save her flattened
There in the concrete
Guess the driver didn’t see her when
She was crossing the street

And now my friend is dead and gone
And my whole world is black
I never could imagine how
I’d try to bring her back

And days go by still don’t know
How I’ll go on without her
For I despise to socialize
Perhaps I just won’t shower.

This post is dedicated to and partially inspired by Bitter Ben and our countless blogversations about imaginary everything.