Extra, Extra, Read All About It

A lady weds her guinea pig
With an alien mother
Woman married 20 years finds
Husband is her brother

Body of the Loch Ness found
On bottom of a lake
Man grows beard which strangles him
Since it’s made out of snakes

Baby born with lobster claws
And beach ball for a head
Elvis rocks with Jackson once
They’re brought back from the dead

Two children have a staring war
Go 10 days without blinking
200 hundred year old man that claims
He is Abraham Lincoln

Woman slaughtered in world’s largest
Rodent infestation
Boy eats 19 hot dogs claims
That he’s possessed by Satan

Girl hooked on computer so
Her family sues Twitter
Grandma murdered by her cats gets
Buried in their litter

Child’s finger paint of poop
Gets displayed at the Getty
ZZ Top guitarist says
He’s actually the Yeti

And so it goes eternally all
Written to entrap
Whoever is naive enough
To buy into this crap

Though there’s some consolation to
The articles enjoyed
Lest readers smarten up and I
Find myself unemployed.

I have such a busy weekend, my attendance may be spotty at best. My apologies in advance… you probably shouldn’t even bother blogging.

The Gypping Gypsy

She said she sees great bravery
But also she sees fears
And that someone I love will die
In the next 50 years

That I am super happy now
In fact over the moon
Or if that is not the case hold on
Because it will be soon

She said it’s very likely that
My panty hose will rip
That 90% or more of my
Nail polishes will chip

And at some point someone I know
Might somehow be in danger
That within the next week or so
I’m sure to meet a stranger

She said that in my future I’ll
Have both good and bad luck
But I see myself about to be
Ripped off for 20 bucks.

Picky Nicky

It was me and Eddie going steady
Thought we were bound for life
Till I saw him eat a pizza slice
With a fork and knife

So then it seemed Tyler might be
Worthy of my affections
Til a Nickelback CD turned up
In his record collection

I thought Caleb was a solid guy
But it just wouldn’t do
That he couldn’t seem to name each guy that
Was in Motley Crue

On to Marvin who within my heart
I would hold near and dear
But then he ate a sandwich and
Got mayo in his beard

And Jeff I thought him a sure thing
Til it ended in shambles
When I found out in the summer he
Wore socks under his sandals

And Charlie smelled of play dough, Ted’s
Laugh sounded like a duck
And Grant was over when I found
His band completely sucked

I guess that I will just give up
On all my love affairs
And sleep with Mr. Wiggles my
Trustworthy teddy bear

He’s sweet and cuddly and so cute
And every night he’ll hug me
Although that bow tie that he wears
Is really starting to bug me.

Inspired by a blogversation I had with Andrew over at his Lonely Author blog. Thanks Andrew.

Prince Albert In A Can

I want to make prank phone calls that
Are so clever and cunning
Call my teacher up to ask if her
Refrigerator’s running

I could call my mother’s boss up and
While trying not to snicker
Confirm an order with his wife for
A Mexican stripper

Or ring best friend’s sister, oh
I surely could be wicked
When she hears that she happened to win
Some One Direction tickets

Or tell someone’s old grandma that
They won a dream vacation
Or survey random strangers for
Their private information

Breath heavy in the mouth piece when
They pick up for the call
Or just hang up not having said
A single word at all

Or play recorded pieces of
Two people having sex
Or make my voice demonic and
Say to the phone “You’re next!”

I want to make prank phone calls
And be rolling on the floor
Just like my mom and auntie did
So many years before

I want to make prank phone calls
Oh, how fun it seemed to be
Before those stupid voice mails and
Dumb old caller ID.

From Out of The Hands Of Babes

The paper placed into your hands
The picture that she drew
And luckily stops to explain
“Look mommy, it’s you!”

My mouth is in a rictus grin
My eyes bulge either way
I look like Gary Busey might when
It’s a bad hair day

My sweater doesn’t match my pants
So much to my remorse
I might be out walking the dog
Or strangling a small horse

My breasts look a bit like Maxine’s
My nose a bit like Shrek
It seems a great misfortune I
Was born without a neck

A building coming to my knees
Completes a lovely vision
So it seems I suffer from
A case of gigantism

I note Hamburger Helper hands
Perhaps just a tad bigger
Which looks obscene when juxtaposed
With my girlish stick figure

My girl looks up expectantly
Fixed with an impish grin she
Clearly does know me all too well
“At least I made you skinny.”

Who Would Have Thunk It?

Sure 16 marks a rocky start
Death takes it’s many victims
Lemmy, Bowie, Haggerty, Glenn
Frey and Alan Rickman
It all seems unbelievable
As we watch heroes fall
Who would have thought that Keith Richards
Would have outlived them all

How The Turtle Got His Shell

So long ago the earth was new
When nobody yet had a clue
Of internet or cell phone calls
And just carved hash tags into walls
The turtle didn’t do so well
Because you see, he’d not a shell

So he’d get teased he knew not why
So badly that he’d sometimes cry
Perhaps they did it out of boredom
For clearly he was not their problem
So maybe they had little brains
No anti bullying campaigns

But oh the mean things they would say
Like “you look 90 if a day”
And oh the fun that they would poke
And tell him ‘you so ugly’ jokes
Like ‘you so ugly it’s a sin
You like The Donald’s ugly twin
When you born to your mom’s chagrin
The doc tried shoving you back in

The turtle walked off feeling bad
Until he saw a hermit crab
Who summoned him with a low murmur
From a dark foreboding corner
“Psst,hey turtle over here”
The turtle did proceed in fear

“You know you would look really swell
If you got you a bitchin shell
It’s like dumb luck you came my way
Because today’s your lucky day
We got each kind under the sun
Today we got em two for one

Now I don’t deal with knock off brands
I’m more a calcium carbonate man
But for you I would say win win
To maybe go with keratin
I’ll give you two for 50 bucks
Let’s say that they fell off a truck”

And so the turtle he agreed
Mostly from despairing need
The crab said “Kay man see you later-
Wait do you got rolling paper?”
Walked away with five crisp tens
And never was heard from again

The turtle was a happy bloke
Till pretty soon when both shells broke
He should have known the crab’s deceit
He never gave him a receipt
But no fear, in the next few days he
Bought a better one at Macy’s.

The Sorrows of The Mediocre

Poor poor Ralphie was a man
Who spent his life an also-ran
And though he tried with all his might
The ‘almost perfect but not quite’
Was heard as a nonstop refrain
And soon to be his sad life’s bane

School passed by predictably
With his average solid B
Involved in sports but to his nettle
His room adorned with silver medals
He never made the football team
Or dated the homecoming queen

He settled with a decent gal
But thought her more a sort of pal
Though long of leg and slim of waist
Just something off about her face
And so she joined him for the ride
And she too bridesmaid never bride

And Ralph he wrote though not the best
He cursed his marginal success
At wisdom some found somewhat sage
Though buried on an obscure page
But all that found it surely would
Agree that it was ‘pretty good’

And so with all his life to shoulder
The sorrows of the mediocre
He found himself long in the tooth
And simply figured what’s the use
“I never will find fame or wealth
I might as well just off myself

Perhaps when they call me ‘the late’
These silly fools will think I’m great”
And so after a few events
Which ended up as failed attempts
Ralphie took his final bow
Though none really remember how

But as he went heavenward soaring
Happy to see the whole world mourning
In aftermath of his sad death
To heaven’s gate with arms outstretched
Angels with their golden books
Gazed towards him with beatific looks

But as he reached St. Peter’s side
They merely told him step aside
And so he became quite downhearted
When he saw why those gates parted
He would have waited if he’d known he’d
Die on the same day as Bowie.

‘If you couldn’t get into clubs, what makes you think you can get in here?’

Do Unto Neighbors…

The pervert with his robe agape
To best show off his fat
The mother down the hall who’s proud
To raise her two mean brats

The hipsters who get loud at night
And act nerdy and smug
The girls who giggle ‘hind thin walls
Cars pull up with their drugs

The foreign family’s footsteps sound
Like hippos passing by
And sadsack Carol’s chitchat’s duller
Then if you watch paint dry

The dirty slobs, bad parking jobs
Lack of consideration
The smoke from cigarettes waft in
Our window’s ventilation

The ones who are too friendly worse
Those not friendly enough
But none will beat those that will dare
To complain about us.

This one was inspired by Phil Taylor and his post 10 Ways My Neighbors Annoy Me. Thanks Phil!

 

The Girl On The Bus

Charlie rode the bus each day
And as he traveled thus
In his commute he met a girl
Called The Girl On the Bus

And every day they’d talk and talk
And everyday he’d swear
That he did know Girl on the Bus
Though he knew not from where

And then one day it came to him
And he was simply floored
To find the Bus Girl was the one
He’d seen on the Billboard

And also in commercials
And in that sitcom scene
He even saw Girl On the Bus
In fashion magazines

So he saw this now Billboard Girl
Later on that week
It seemed the cat had got his tongue
So he could hardly speak

The Girl she had hurt feelings
Why was it Charlie hid?
She didn’t know what happened
(But she kind of did)

And so they never spoke again
Though both would think back thus
To a simpler time when she
Was The Girl on the Bus

This is an oldie for me, one I never published because I didn’t think it was funny enough. I was reminded of it because my husband brings my daughter to School of Rock every week and talks to another dad there. He finally figured out this guy was Oliver Hudson, as in Goldie Hawn’s son, as in Kate Hudson’s brother. Anyway, I decided to publish with a little revamping, although my husband swears he is not nervous to speak to the guy again.

RIP David Bowie