Extra, Extra, Read All About It

A lady weds her guinea pig
With an alien mother
Woman married 20 years finds
Husband is her brother

Body of the Loch Ness found
On bottom of a lake
Man grows beard which strangles him
Since it’s made out of snakes

Baby born with lobster claws
And beach ball for a head
Elvis rocks with Jackson once
They’re brought back from the dead

Two children have a staring war
Go 10 days without blinking
200 hundred year old man that claims
He is Abraham Lincoln

Woman slaughtered in world’s largest
Rodent infestation
Boy eats 19 hot dogs claims
That he’s possessed by Satan

Girl hooked on computer so
Her family sues Twitter
Grandma murdered by her cats gets
Buried in their litter

Child’s finger paint of poop
Gets displayed at the Getty
ZZ Top guitarist says
He’s actually the Yeti

And so it goes eternally all
Written to entrap
Whoever is naive enough
To buy into this crap

Though there’s some consolation to
The articles enjoyed
Lest readers smarten up and I
Find myself unemployed.

I have such a busy weekend, my attendance may be spotty at best. My apologies in advance… you probably shouldn’t even bother blogging.

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The Gypping Gypsy

images-2She said she sees great bravery
But also she sees fears
And that someone I love will die
In the next 50 years

That I am super happy now
In fact over the moon
Or if that is not the case hold on
Because it will be soon

She said it’s very likely that
My panty hose will rip
That 90% or more of my
Nail polishes will chip

And at some point someone I know
Might somehow be in danger
That within the next week or so
I’m sure to meet a stranger

She said that in my future I’ll
Have both good and bad luck
But I see myself about to be
Ripped off for 20 bucks.

Picky Nicky

It was me and Eddie going steady
Thought we were bound for life
Till I saw him eat a pizza slice
With a fork and knife

So then it seemed Tyler might be
Worthy of my affections
Til a Nickelback CD turned up
In his record collection

I thought Caleb was a solid guy
But it just wouldn’t do
That he couldn’t seem to name each guy that
Was in Motley Crue

On to Marvin who within my heart
I would hold near and dear
But then he ate a sandwich and
Got mayo in his beard

And Jeff I thought him a sure thing
Til it ended in shambles
When I found out in the summer he
Wore socks under his sandals

And Charlie smelled of play dough, Ted’s
Laugh sounded like a duck
And Grant was over when I found
His band completely sucked

I guess that I will just give up
On all my love affairs
And sleep with Mr. Wiggles my
Trustworthy teddy bear

He’s sweet and cuddly and so cute
And every night he’ll hug me
Although that bow tie that he wears
Is really starting to bug me.

Inspired by a blogversation I had with Andrew over at his Lonely Author blog. Thanks Andrew.

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Prince Albert In A Can

I want to make prank phone calls that
Are so clever and cunning
Call my teacher up to ask if her
Refrigerator’s running

I could call my mother’s boss up and
While trying not to snicker
Confirm an order with his wife for
A Mexican stripper

Or ring best friend’s sister, oh
I surely could be wicked
When she hears that she happened to win
Some One Direction tickets

Or tell someone’s old grandma that
They won a dream vacation
Or survey random strangers for
Their private information

Breath heavy in the mouth piece when
They pick up for the call
Or just hang up not having said
A single word at all

Or play recorded pieces of
Two people having sex
Or make my voice demonic and
Say to the phone “You’re next!”

I want to make prank phone calls
And be rolling on the floor
Just like my mom and auntie did
So many years before

I want to make prank phone calls
Oh, how fun it seemed to be
Before those stupid voice mails and
Dumb old caller ID.

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From Out of The Hands Of Babes

The paper placed into your hands
The picture that she drew
And luckily stops to explain
“Look mommy, it’s you!”

My mouth is in a rictus grin
My eyes bulge either way
I look like Gary Busey might when
It’s a bad hair day

My sweater doesn’t match my pants
So much to my remorse
I might be out walking the dog
Or strangling a small horse

My breasts look a bit like Maxine’s
My nose a bit like Shrek
It seems a great misfortune I
Was born without a neck

A building coming to my knees
Completes a lovely vision
So it seems I suffer from
A case of gigantism

I note Hamburger Helper hands
Perhaps just a tad bigger
Which looks obscene when juxtaposed
With my girlish stick figure

My girl looks up expectantly
Fixed with an impish grin she
Clearly does know me all too well
“At least I made you skinny.”

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How The Turtle Got His Shell

So long ago the earth was new
When nobody yet had a clue
Of internet or cell phone calls
And just carved hash tags into walls
The turtle didn’t do so well
Because you see, he’d not a shell

So he’d get teased he knew not why
So badly that he’d sometimes cry
Perhaps they did it out of boredom
For clearly he was not their problem
So maybe they had little brains
No anti bullying campaigns

But oh the mean things they would say
Like “you look 90 if a day”
And oh the fun that they would poke
And tell him ‘you so ugly’ jokes
Like ‘you so ugly it’s a sin
You like The Donald’s ugly twin
When you born to your mom’s chagrin
The doc tried shoving you back in

The turtle walked off feeling bad
Until he saw a hermit crab
Who summoned him with a low murmur
From a dark foreboding corner
“Psst,hey turtle over here”
The turtle did proceed in fear

“You know you would look really swell
If you got you a bitchin shell
It’s like dumb luck you came my way
Because today’s your lucky day
We got each kind under the sun
Today we got em two for one

Now I don’t deal with knock off brands
I’m more a calcium carbonate man
But for you I would say win win
To maybe go with keratin
I’ll give you two for 50 bucks
Let’s say that they fell off a truck”

And so the turtle he agreed
Mostly from despairing need
The crab said “Kay man see you later-
Wait do you got rolling paper?”
Walked away with five crisp tens
And never was heard from again

The turtle was a happy bloke
Till pretty soon when both shells broke
He should have known the crab’s deceit
He never gave him a receipt
But no fear, in the next few days he
Bought a better one at Macy’s.

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