No Man’s Land

 

This one, inspired by my son’s birthday today.

Creepy spiders, badger’s nest, perhaps dinner for two
A wizard and a warlock and of course a witch’s brew
An amulet, a cigarette, those keys you never found
Spare coins, the remote control, the pet you thought had drowned
The wallet years gone missing though you never knew to where
Amazing the things you will find while combing Jesse’s hair.

Happy Birthday Jesse!

P.S. Thank you to everyone who voted for my son’s band in the Metal Devastation Band of the Month poll. They actually won! They got a blog spot featured here and will be in heavy rotation on the station all month as well as being featured on their Facebook page. I’m sure my son would be overjoyed if, as a birthday gift, you would give his band a like on Facebook or follow them on Instagram.

https://www.facebook.com/diabologyband/

https://www.instagram.com/diabologyband/?hl=en

My Girl Left Me For Satan

My girl left me for Satan
She said it was transcendental
When she saw him at the potluck
At the New Satanic Temple
Well she left me with the dog and I
Am cooking all my food
But I guess I must admit that he’s
One charismatic dude

Chorus:

My girl left me for Satan
And I guess it’s just as well
Though it’ll be kind of awkward when
We’re all burning in hell

Well it just ain’t been the same now that
My life became unfurled
Since my baby left me for the king
Of the underworld
I’m tired and I’m beat up and
Well most of all I’m bored
And I’m strongly thinking I should just
Go and worship the lord

Chorus

Well he stole my soul and now I guess
He stole my girlfriend too
But I guess the bathroom mirror should
Have given me a clue
Cause the steam don’t cover lipstick
And the truth is rather mean
But it’s very clearly written there
Says, ‘Satan loves Erlene!’

Chorus

I’m strongly considering forming a Satanic country band. Who’s in?

A Late Lunch

I was bringing Ms. James her Meals on Wheels
She didn’t come to the door
I went on in and there she was
Lying dead right on the floor
I called the proper authorities
They showed up minutes later
To find me eatin’ her fried chicken
And her mashed potaters

Metal Devastation Band of the Month

Hey people! My band, The CheeseBergens has entered a contest for Band of the Month on Metal Devastation Radio and we need votes! To avoid gratuitous self promotion, I’ve decided to also write a poem to help promote the cause. A lot of my blogging friends already voted, I know, and thanks so much to those who did. Here is the link:

http://metaldevastationradio.com/battle

And here is the poem:

If you vote we’lll have a chance
If you vote, I’ll do a dance
Or if you think I’d better not
If you vote, then I will stop

If you vote I’ll kiss a frog
If you vote, I’ll like your blog
Leave messages and you can boast
Marissa commented “Great post!”

And voting isn’t just for you
Your aunt can vote, your mother too
And if they think the format’s foreign
Just log on and you vote for ’em

You only have to do it once
Perhaps we’ll be band of the month
We’ll thank the little people too
And then you know that we’ll mean you

If you vote I will pretend
That you’re my very best of friends
I’ll give you stuff and rub your shoulders
Least until the month is over

P.S. By the way, voting is ongoing until the end of April 2017. If you are reading this blog before the end of April, you still have the opportunity to vote, so please do. It’s very much appreciated!

The Parking Spot

I tried to get there early
So I wouldn’t have to race
For the task nearly impossible
To find a parking space

For surely I’d be lucky if
I happened to have found
A spot twas even blocks away
The hottest club in town

My wond’ring eyes saw such a sight
They were likely to meet
A spot there that did wait for me
And right across the street

No sign was reading ‘tow away
No standing, loading only’
And so I pulled my car right up
To make it far less lonely

But once I pulled in not enough
To just leave for the club
I had to sit there to impress
On every passing schlub

Of what would be my luck that night
A feat much more than meager
And did I mention I’d no need
To feed the parking meter?

And as I sat there basking
In the space that I had took
I thought it best to take a pic
And post it on Facebook

So all my friends could envy me
And have it in their sights
Of all the luck that I was having
On that weekend night

But finally I had to go
So out the car I dragged
But ‘fore I made it to the club
I stopped off and I bragged

To every bouncer, every door girl
All that I did meet
Of how I got to get a spot
Just right across the street

And finally I got in the club
A sight that made me sober
To find the band I came to see
Was now completely over

But it was just a momentary
Downer, no real grieving
I just got back into my car
And now I’m never leaving.

The actual picture I posted from my car on Saturday night…parked across the street from L.A. hot spot, The Troubadour.

Ouija Board

Oh Ouija board oh Ouija board
Not one to doubt your vision
Well rubbed with cloth the planchette notes
Of other realms or friction

To spell out words like AGNTHM
Or STRIMPH there is no telling
Interpretations seal the deal
And no account for spelling

For I suspect in afterlife
There’s really little mind
For any such* except perhaps
The spiritual kind

We tried to summon Lemmy but
In keeping our mind open
When the planchette spelled out 5 T H
We just went with Beethoven

But while many will doubt I guess
We’ll never truly know
If the gate to hell’s a cardboard toy
Created by Hasbro

*Refers to the double meaning of spelling, as in the grammatical kind, vs. the casting of spells

Do It With Cheese

There really ain’t no other way I like to grill it
When I get some frozen patties in my skillet
I’m down to eat a salad or scarf up grease
But there’s just one way to serve it that’s gonna please
I don’t care if it’s in slices or an easy squeeze

Just do it- but do it with cheese!

Now you might say your lactose intolerant
But I say just suck it up or you can go get bent
Cause if your tummy hurts then I say “oh please!”
Go wash it down with Tums or some anti freeze
Theres just one way to serve it that’s gonna please

Just do it – but do it with cheese!

When they see me comin’ they don’t need to guess
If I want some cheese with that cause the answer is yes
I need the gooey stuff and that’s for sure
And I don’t care if it’s costing me 50 cents more

Cheese is the stuff of life and you can’t refute
If you think you’re gaining weight then stop eating fruit
Cause life is too short to sweat the calories
So you best start clogging up all those arteries
Live fast and die of cardiovascular disease

Just do it – but do it with cheese!

Hello friends! I’m sure you were all waiting with bated breath for this last installment of our Three Songs In Three Days Campaign. Fun factoid!! Due to some technical issues this song almost was not released today!!! Lucky for you, we had a last minute edit that saved the day. I know, imagine you, all bummed out for the weekend because you were waiting for this song and couldn’t be sure if you would ever hear it!!

Well, here it is. This one was published before as a poem but now has music added, so PLEASE LISTEN!! Come on people, I can tell how many of you are listening and it’s a lot more than those who are stopping by to like or comment…although the fact that you are enjoying the lyrics is appreciated as well….but we work hard on this stuff!! This is another track with my daughter on vocals and you know she’s a newbie at this so all feedback is appreciated, especially the good kind!! Okay, without further ado, The CheeseBergens’ lifelong motto…Do It With Cheese!

The Hipsters Downstairs

Some dudes moved in to our neighborhood
Wearing trucker hats that read ‘Hollywood’
There’s Mr. Park My Prius Just As Bad As I Can
Paul Giamatti and Social Cause Stan
Prius talking ’bout Alaska, how he volunteered
While he’s cooking tofu or something weird
Paul is so loud even Steve Jobs can hear
And we can’t decide if causes is Clark Kent or just queer

… Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

The hipsters downstairs
The hipsters downstairs
Nobody cares about
The hipsters downstairs
The hipsters downstairs
The hipsters downstairs
With their stupid facial hair
The hipsters downstairs

They rise at sunset say up all night
They just might be hipster vampires
Or more likely a werewolf for Paul with that beard
Nervous Nod causes could be Frankenweird
Apparently guitar is now the thing
They murder it all night, let’s hope that they don’t sing
And if I hear ‘In Alaska’ one more time
I’m gonna stick that guitar where the sun don’t shine

Chorus

They threw a party last weekend
They camped out in the yard
It wasn’t them throwing bottles I feared
But bustin’ out with Kubaya

Some dudes moved in to our neighborhood
Wearing trucker heads that read ‘Hollywood’
There’s Mr. Park My Prius just as bad as I can
Paul Giamatti and Social Cause Stan
And if I hear ‘In Alaska’ one more time
I’m gonna stick that guitar where the sun don’t shine
Or maybe call an Uber and tell the man
“Take ’em back to Alaska or Douchebagistan”

As promised, here is song number 2 of our Three Songs In Three Days Campaign. I don’t believe I’ve ever shared the lyrics to this one before either and that is probably due to the fact that it was mostly written by my husband. I just tweaked a couple of things and added the bridge.

This is the true (if slightly exaggerated) story of the neighbors who live below us. Fun fact! We actually practice in our apartment, right above their heads. We often wonder if this song goes through their minds and, if so, whether they realize it’s about them!

Please Sign My Hannukah Petition!

Some spell it with a C and H
Some with an extra K
I’ve seen it with a Q and X
And ends with H or A

And once I’ve gotten half way there
I have to start again
‘Cause I seem to have forgotten
Where to put the extra N

But it really shouldn’t matter
Where the wild wind it blows
When it comes to spelling Hanukah
It’s as if anything goes

All concept of grammar and
Religion have been shaken
Oy vey, like are they Jews?
Cause it’s more like they are pagan!!

Blatant abuse of language well
It’s causing quite a stir
Maybe now Mersh will worship but
Not wear a yamulke

But, oh yeah, while we are at it let’s
Condemn ourselves to hell
And go and spell it ‘yamika’
Like the goys think it’s spelled

Or perhaps its gone new agey and
It don’t like to be labeled
Or bogged down with proper grammar like
It’s brother dreidel (dreidl)

This is no less than anarchy
There must be a decision!
For correct spelling of Hannukah
I’m making a petition

And I hope that you will sign it but
One thing before you do
Tell me what you’re thinking should
It be one N or two?

The Plight of Snowball: A Dog Lost In A Cat’s Body

Snowball wouldn’t bat at socks
Or deign to use the litter box
She’d no use for that feline stuff
Tried making her meow a ruff

Her mother neared end of her whits
And wished her dear would only quit
But it was neither whim nor hobby
A canine in a feline’s body

And though her mom would fret and kvetch
Snowball brought a stick to fetch
Preferred to chase round the mailman
Then digging through a garbage can

She rather liked to chew one bones
Which beefed up her testosterone
But the elusive canine copy
Never did her ears go floppy

Nor could she seek an operation
To change the outcome of gestation
But other cats, Snowball they feared
And dogs, well they just found her weird

And rolled their eyes as they walked past
So poor Snowball was an outcast
And so a loner til that day
When all alone Snowball did play

Until the day she ran across
A cow who was born as a horse.