How The Grinchstein Stole Chanukah

Every Jew down in Jewville liked Chanukah a lot
But the Grinchstein who lived up just northward did not
Yes, Grinchstein he hated the whole Christmas season
Please don’t ask why, no one knows quite the reason

For hating eight days and also eight nights
Maybe his yamaka fit him too tight
But here was the Grinchstein majorly bumming
Because he knew soon, Chanukah was a-coming

“For 53 years I’ve endured this and now
Chanukah must be stopped, just a question of how!”
Then quicker than you can say “oh diarrhea!”
The Grinch got a wonderful awful idea

“With this tallit, and with this tzit tzit
The Jews down in Jewville won’t know me a bit
I’ll wear this fake beard this hat and this shawl
And then they will think I am old Uncle Sol

And to be consistent to this monologue
I also will take my long suffering dog”
And then he took off from the spot where he stood
And went off stop Chanukah once for good!

He descended on Jewville in houses did creep
Where all of the Jews were in bed fast asleep
The toys he threw in his bag in one fell swoop
Along with the kugel and matzah ball soup

And just as you might shout out ‘Oh kina hora”
He blew out the lights lit up on the menorah
And soon he would take off into the night sky
When he heard a small voice say “Uncle Sol, why?”

He spun ’round so quick that it threw him off center
There stood Cindy Goldstein of course, the town yenta
But he said “It’s me Sol, how dare that you doubt
My motives, you see the menorah burned out

And really I just need to heat up this brisket
Back at my cave while I go and fix it
Now go back to bed dear and worry no more”
And then that old louse, why he ran out of the door

And then home to sleep and so restful he lay
Assured that no Chanukah come the next day
But to the dismay of his cold little heart
The very next morning he awoke with a start

And to his old dog he said “What is the deal, uh
I hear the Jews out there sing Hava Nagila!”
And so out the window he sat and he stared
At happy Jews lifting each other on chairs

And wondered at his little plan’s epic fail
(Or maybe just Loehmann’s was having a sale?)
But he knew Chanukah didn’t come from a store
Because Chanukah meant a little bit more

And The Grinch’s heart it grew 3 sizes that day
He told his old mother and she said “Oy Vey
I think maybe you ought to go see a doctor”
Who advised that he cut back on fried latkes


Hanukkah For Dummmies

In 168 BC,
Things looked badly for the Jews,
It seemed the Greek emperor,
Wanted them to worship Zeus.

The Jews they didn’t like this,
And the Jews said, “Oy yoy yoy,
Who is this meshuggeneh?
I think that he’s a goy!”

And so the Jews did dissent,
To the mountains they did flee,
And this brave group of rebels,
Were known as the Maccabees.

(And to avoid confusion,
And set you straight on your facts,
This wasn’t the group of hippies,
Who followed Fleetwood Mac.)

And so a war did ensue,
And it was quite a ruckus,
The Jews said “We worship freely,
Or we’re gonna kick your tokhes!”

I don’t know how they did it,
But the Jews thwarted the Greeks,
Cause I’ve read Greek mythology,
Have you seen those physiques?

They got back to their temple,
Old hang of the Greek army,
Though they did not win the war,
They sure knew how to party!

The place smelled to high heaven,
With a very potent odor,
And so the Jews said “Oy vey!
This probably’s not kosher!”

And so then they decided,
To make holiness return,
They would light a menorah,
With the oil there to burn.

But when they saw their supplies,
All the women did kvetch,
“Hey, I told you to buy more!
Now there’s barely any left!”

So the men said,”Just relax,
We’ll get more and come back.”
“But it will take you 8 days,
To get to Avi’s Glatt!”

So the women worried,
And they put up a tsimes,
But God said “Relax ladies,
Yo bubalas, I got this.”

With God as their copilot,
There was no time to toil,
They said “Let’s blow this matzah stand,
And go get us some oil!”

They returned to the menorah lit,
And nothing could be greater,
They made a righteous party,
Fit to outdo the seder.

And to give thanks to their God,
For doing the people good,
Jews spend 8 days and nights each year,
Eating fried, oil based food.

In January when they’re done,
Giving their thanks to him,
They search for the best Groupons,
So that they can join the gym.


….and that kids, is the story of Hanukkah…