Sometimes You Just Gotta Say Phuket

Watching the Amazing Race last night, it occurred to me that I really need to grow up.The contestants in this leg were in a capital city in Indonesia called Bandung and I couldn’t stop thinking of it as Bad Dung! I mean, now that I’m a mother and all, it really doesn’t do for me to be giggling every time a word or name sounds remotely inappropriate, does it? I am writing this blog as a fond farewell to all the times I have exhibited this shameful behavior and brought embarrassment to my family and the people I love.

 
Like really!…How about the time when my son had that 1st grade teacher named Ms. Quesada and I just could NOT stop calling her Ms. Quesadilla! I mean, bad enough that I had to expose my son to this kind of nonsense, but things were really awkward when a slip of the tongue caused me to refer to that nice teacher as such when speaking to the school principal (true story, no lie).
 
And if this wasn’t enough to make me see the error of my ways, imagine the plight of poor Ms. Naples who had the misfortune of teaching my son in the 2nd grade. (For those of you who don’t see this one coming, just substitute the ‘a’ sound for an ‘i’).
 
This just progressed when my son switched schools and there was a teacher there named Ms. Doody. (Yes really her name, I mean at that point you just really ought to NOT be teaching kids, am I right?). And the same for you (this going back to my elementary science teacher) Ms. Lipschitz or the shop teacher Harry Kirshner (Kirshner, Kirshner, Harry, Harry!).
 
It even got in the way of my professional relationships. For instance, in my brilliant career in the administrative field, I have come across many domestic and foreign shipping responsibilities (notice how I don’t use the word ‘duties’?). I would often giggle at these poor people’s last names as well. So I want to put in an open apology to all the times I laughed at you Ms. Wiener, and especially you Mr Takashito.
 
Now, I don’t know if I can just change my ways overnight. It’s been a long road and obviously I need to masticate on all of this a little while. I will definitely keep you abreast of the situation. Until then, I bid a fond farewell to laughing at you, Bangkok; and you, Lake Titicaca; as I kiss Uranus goodbye!
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An Open Letter to The Rock N’ Roll Super Children

Dear Jesse,

I’m sorry that, as our first born, you had to be our guinea pig. But what an adorable guinea pig you were!
Remember kickin’ it old skool style in our Hollywood one bedroom? I remember bringing you home from the hospital and not knowing what to do. How was I going to get the laundry done? How was I going to use the bathroom? But, of course, everything worked out in the end.
How about those awkward baby months? I remember how, when you were 3 months old, your impossibly long eyelashes grew in almost overnight. Grandma called that day. I picked up the phone and immediately gushed into it, “He’s beautiful!”
I remember holding your tiny little  body and thinking that you gave me a sense of calm and reassurance. This is a trait that you still have today and it makes you a natural leader.
As you grow older, I never fail to be amazed at your natural grace, your passion for reading, and your aptitude for music; the way you start out playing two sloppy arpeggios on guitar and manage to turn it into a beautiful song.

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Dear Anjellica,
I guess the verdict is still out on whether our years of experience paid off.
When you were born the nurses lay you next to me on the hospital bed and you just kept mewing at me like a little kitten as if, at less than an hour old, you were eager to start on your first gossip session.
I remember how your face popped out of your swaddled hospital blankets like a rose that had just bloomed.
As you grow older, I never fail to be amazed at your enthusiasm, your creativity, your precocious sense of humor, and your stunning, astounding, unequivocal beauty; how you manage to take a pen and post it note and turn it into a tiny work of art that, no matter how many litter our floor, I could never bring myself to discard.
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To both of my Rock N’ Roll Super Children: Shine on you crazy diamonds.
Love always,
Mommy

Couples Therapy

There are certain realities you need to accept in order to make a relationship work. The first one was passed down to me by my dear old grandmother and I have always thought it to be true: “Men and women are natural enemies”. After 12 years of marriage I think I can embellish on this with my own offering, “All men are stupid and all women are crazy”.

Now of course I know all men aren’t really stupid. There are plenty of men who run successful companies, solve complicated algebraic equations, and can teach Albert Einstein a thing or two about the Theories of Relativity. But show me a man who can coordinate a shopping list for his family that is both healthy and economical, successfully acquire every item on that list and put it away in it’s proper cabinet. Show me a man who can do the laundry without shoving one of your dresses in a drawer and putting your daughter’s panties in with your underwear. Show me a man who always thinks before he let’s an insensitive comment come out of his mouth. Show me that man because my Aunt Lydia has a son that’s single…(not that there’s anything wrong with that.)
Women, on the other hand, can be considered volatile, short tempered and fickle. Of course this is all par for the course when she has just worked all day, taken care of the family, and now she can’t find the mayonnaise, has to resort the laundry, not to mention that her husband just told her that on second thought those jeans actually do make her hips look kind of wide.
Okay, so after writing this blog, I realize I have been somewhat unfair to the opposite sex. After all, I have somewhat justified a woman’s insanity as they are her reactions to her partner’s behavior, (although, to be fair these reactions may include chasing said partner with the kitchen knife or breaking the glass coffee table in the living room (ooooh….so specific…do you think I’ve ever??)) while I haven’t justified a man’s stupidity whatsoever!
But the truth is, all this makes perfect sense when you consider two more facts you need to accept to ensure happiness.1)  The woman is always right. 2) In order for a relationship to be successful, a man must be completely, utterly  and unequivocally scared to death of his wife.
Free of charge…Your welcome!

Cheesiest Heavy Metal Lyrics Ever

As a lover of heavy metal music, there are some lyrics so full of cheese, that they make me cringe to the point that they are banned, even from my shower repertoire, no matter how catchy the beat. But I suppose it’s par for the course. I mean, when pigeon holed by the topics of sex drugs and rock n’ roll, where do you really go from there?

Well, for instance you could improvise on the whole sex thing by incorporating prostitutes. I think Bon Jovi is one who really did that idea justice. That’s right, before Bon Jovi was out saving the world, he came up with this little gem. (Sorry to include all lyrics, but the whole thing was so precious I felt like it needed to be featured in all it’s glory.)

Well I wake up this morning I rolled out of bed
I felt like a dog who’s been kicked in the head
Checked out my mail there was letter that read
Love for sale, love for sale

I picked up the phone I called everyone I could
I let my fingers do the walking through the telephone book
You can’t catch a fish if you  got the hook

(what does this even mean??-Ed.)

Love for sale, love for sale

Send up a signal throw me a line
Somebody explain ” this funny Valentine”
It might not be legal but it sure ain’t a crime
I’m one step from crazy and two steps behind

I called Lt. Columbo from my TV set
I’ve tried the Dating Game I haven’t found her yet
I’m hoping that she’s looking like a Penthouse Pet
Love for sale, love for sale

But, you know, what’s really great is the foreign metal bands. How better to convey thoughts of sex drugs and rock n’ roll then by doing so in broken English. Here is Loudness, doing one better  for the prostitutes

You’ll understand
You’ll soon realize
I am destined
to burn in your cage

Get prepared
Don’t tell me you’re dreamin’

Look back Sexy woman
Sure you can’t see anything
Kiss me baby Please
Feel me right now!!
Wanna take you away and hold you tight
I am destined to burn in your cage

Get ready for this
Don’t tell me you’re dreamin’

(oooh who’s this lucky lady?-Ed.)

Other great examples of broken English metal include this gem by the Scorpions. Before they had a profound enough sense of the language to write a meaningful song like “Wind of Change” they came up with this work of art.

 

We’d like to introduce tonight
The Kings of a brandnew style
They are hungry to play
We’d like to introduce tonight
The new heavy steam rock style
Quite different and strange

Allright, how do you feel tonight
Get up to see and cry the name of the
Band

Steam right with hands and feet tonight
Get up to see and cry and they will begin –
Here they are!


Steam rock fever,
Screaming rock believers
Steamrock fever in L.A.

But while we are talking cheesy heavy metal lyrics, I must give an honorable mention to the kings of cheese, Kiss. I probably could not single out one lyric from these silver tongued masters of perverted poetry but Keats might even roll over in his grave when Gene Simmons says “I wanna put my log  in your fireplace” in that oldie but goodie “Burn Bitch Burn”. Not to mention the amount of psychological investigation into whether it is indeed possible to rock n’ roll all night and party every day.

Before moving on to other genres of metal, I feel I would be remiss if I didn’t feature this profound piece by Def Leppard:

Make love like a man
I’m a man
That’s what I am, uh!

All you girls ’round the world
Lookin’ for a guy who’s a real go getter
Every guy grab a girl
Love her like a man, make her feel a lot better

Everybody
You want it – I’m the one
I got it – I’m Mr. Fun
You need it – I’m Captain Cool, yeah
Come get it – And I’ve come for you C’mon

Don’t call me Gigolo
Don’t call me Cassanova
Just call me on the phone
And baby come on over
When you need someone
When you need someone to. . .

Make love like a man
I’m a man

(really? Because the last time I looked you were looking a bit Anne Wilson-esque. thanks for the clarification-Ed.)

And it just blows my mind that after a whole career of deliberately giving us nothing but cheese, Alice Cooper runs out of ideas, gets down to serious business, and manages to give us the real gouda with this anti-drug rant:

Hey bro, take it slow
You ain’t livin’ in a video
You’re flying low with a high velocity
No doubt, you’re stressin’ out
That ain’t what rock n’ roll’s about
Get off that one way trip down lonely street

But hey, these are the glam bands. They’re supposed to be cheesy right? So along comes the thrash bands like Metallica and Manowar and they’re going to put the meat back in metal. They’re going to write about war and fighting and give us metal intellectuals a little more bang for our bucks when it comes to lyrics. Right? So here comes Metallica with their first shot at redemption:

Bang your head against the stage
Like you never did before
Make it ring Make it bleed
Make it really sore

Um…. so  let’s try Manowar…

Manowar living on the road
When we’re in town speakers explode
We don’t attract wimps ’cause we’re too loud
Just true metal people that’s Manowar’s crowd

No? Mercyful Fate??

Upon a cross a nun will be hanged
She will be raped by an evil man
Knock spikes through her hands
Things will come she won’t understand

You’re a nun you haven’t had no fun
Living your life as virgin queen
I’m gonna change it and I’ll get it done
Tomorrow you won’t be a virgin queen

So…Venom… I mean surely they would…

“Get in our way, we’re going to take your life/Kick in your face and rape and murder your wife.” 

Okay then…

So for the grandaddy of them all, let’s pay a little visit to the hard rock spectrum of things and a little band that all of us like to affectionately (or maybe not so much) think of as Van Hagar. I guess we were all a bit annoyed when Eddie Van Halen dropped saucy lead singer David Lee Roth in honor of the Red Rocker, the man who couldn’t drive 55. That’s why it was such surprising news to me that Hagar actually left the band after Eddie Van Halen made him stoop down to a point where he had to lay down these lyrics. Geesh! Talk about cringing when you’re in the shower, imagine how Sammy felt when he had to record tracks on this one in the studio. Ladies and gentlemen, I leave you with the lyrics to “Humans Being”. Today, please take time to meaningfully reflect….

There is just enough Christ in me
To make me feel almost guilty
Is that why God made us bleed
To make us see we’re Humans Being?

You break this, I’ll break all that
You break my balls with all your crap
Spread your disease like lemmings breeding
That’s what makes us Humans Being

(Eddie Van Halen proves that despite his past he is still a man of God, (or almost), who can cuss like a 16 year old heavy metal bad boy…wow.-Ed.)