Suffering the Suffragette (The Dying Art of Chivalry)

She said she doesn’t need a man,
To give her validation,
And told him Tori Amos,
Was her biggest inspiration.

She then condemned the opposite sex,
For seeing her for physical features,
And made it perfectly clear,
She thought them inferior creatures.

She threw out terms like slut shaming,
And reviled sexist hating,
And made is clear these were rules to which he should adhere,
Should they continue dating.

When she was done he didn’t know,
Whether to  leave or to applaud,
But she was hot, so with feminism,
He would get onboard.

And immediately began thinking himself,
A liberated fella,
But when they reached the door,
He encountered his first dilemma.

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http://dailypost.wordpress.com/dp_writing_challenge/a-lost-art/

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The Beauty of A Woman

Breasts large or small, all the same,
Yet the delicacy of her frame,
And if her teeth are crooked or nose too long,
With that I see nothing wrong.
Crow’s feet or wrinkles in her skin,
Might make her all the more interesting.
But if in her eyes I can attain,
3 parts wisdom, 1 part pain,
And perhaps a glimmering of light,
A touch of a mischievous sprite,
And a warmth that says she’s true and human,
Here lies the beauty of a woman.

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This was originally posted on the almighty Sourcerer blog for Feminist Fridays. My attempts to reblog it were not highly successful so I am now republishing. My apologies to anyone who has already read it.

Couples Therapy

There are certain realities you need to accept in order to make a relationship work. The first one was passed down to me by my dear old grandmother and I have always thought it to be true: “Men and women are natural enemies”. After 12 years of marriage I think I can embellish on this with my own offering, “All men are stupid and all women are crazy”.

Now of course I know all men aren’t really stupid. There are plenty of men who run successful companies, solve complicated algebraic equations, and can teach Albert Einstein a thing or two about the Theories of Relativity. But show me a man who can coordinate a shopping list for his family that is both healthy and economical, successfully acquire every item on that list and put it away in it’s proper cabinet. Show me a man who can do the laundry without shoving one of your dresses in a drawer and putting your daughter’s panties in with your underwear. Show me a man who always thinks before he let’s an insensitive comment come out of his mouth. Show me that man because my Aunt Lydia has a son that’s single…(not that there’s anything wrong with that.)
Women, on the other hand, can be considered volatile, short tempered and fickle. Of course this is all par for the course when she has just worked all day, taken care of the family, and now she can’t find the mayonnaise, has to resort the laundry, not to mention that her husband just told her that on second thought those jeans actually do make her hips look kind of wide.
Okay, so after writing this blog, I realize I have been somewhat unfair to the opposite sex. After all, I have somewhat justified a woman’s insanity as they are her reactions to her partner’s behavior, (although, to be fair these reactions may include chasing said partner with the kitchen knife or breaking the glass coffee table in the living room (ooooh….so specific…do you think I’ve ever??)) while I haven’t justified a man’s stupidity whatsoever!
But the truth is, all this makes perfect sense when you consider two more facts you need to accept to ensure happiness.1)  The woman is always right. 2) In order for a relationship to be successful, a man must be completely, utterly  and unequivocally scared to death of his wife.
Free of charge…Your welcome!

Guidelines To Being A Slut

For too long I have been on a rant about schooling, and though it’s been fun and will probably continue later in the week, I feel the need to get a bit naughty, to get back in touch with my roots, to let my hair down, a veritable cleansing of the palate if you will.

I think it’s time to holla to some of the young girls out there and let them know, it’s okay to be slutty. In fact, this blog is inspired from conversations I’ve had with other housewives about my past, and I can’t help but thinking the good girls missed out. And as a matter of fact being a slut can be a liberating and feminist experience.
Okay, so first you might need to get some slutty girlfriends over but if you don’t have any, it’s okay. Sometimes going out alone can be very alluring as well.
Now reach back in the closet for that dress you bought but never thought you’d wear because it’s too short, somewhat see through, the cleavage is too low, or whatever wardrobe malfunction is waiting to happen, and put it on. Now I need to advise you DO NOT take your favorite pair of leggings and pull them down below your waistline. DO NOT take your favorite shirt and put the bottom through the collar until your form some deranged sort of bra top. That is just skanky and desperate. You need to have the slutty clothing in advance and if you don’t, you might need to go on a shopping trip to Hollywood Blvd or somewhere as delightfully inappropriate in your home town.
Okay, now put on the high heels, you know the ones that are really too uncomfortable to walk in and that you totally regret buying because you never wear them. Well, here’s your chance. By the way, you may need some practice walking in them. But if all else fails, get some of those slutty friends to prop you up on either side. It’ll be adorable.
So what time is it now? 8 o clock. Okay, you need to get comfortable because your not going anywhere till at least 11. It’s best to show up just when everyone is drunk enough to have fun and mingle but not so drunk that they’ve given up all hope of getting laid and are now too far gone to do so, and are probably throwing up in the bathroom.
You’re at the club now, right? Preferably it’s a rock n’ roll dive with lots of loud, sleezy music but if it happens to be a rave or something equally hideous, just adapt. It’s very unattractive to whine and decidedly not slutty so just have another drink.
Set your sights on that guy. You know, the one with the greasy hair and the dirty jeans? The one with his hair hanging down in his face ever so slightly? Find a reason to talk to him. If he takes your lead and you hook up, great. Otherwise, spend the rest of the night ignoring him. The trap has been sent. Move on to someone else, ideally one of his friends.The fact that you hooked up with his friend will not make him think you are unavailable, it will only make you more enticing.
Now if you do end up hooking up, try to make it at their place. This leaves you to make your escape quickly. As a matter of fact, if you can split in the middle of the night while they are sleeping, kudos to you. Either way, never overstay your welcome. It reeks of desperation. Besides, who wants some smelly hung over guy romping around the apartment and making a nuisance of himself at 10 in the morning? Also, never volunteer your phone number and if they give your their phone number dispose of it immediately. If you are interested in seeing them again, strategically plant yourself at the club the next time you think they will be there. Or better yet,  maybe this time you can hook up with the guy with the greasy hair.