Hello From the Gutter (Please Vote)

Forgive me bloggers, for I have sinned. It has been over four months since my last blog entry and about 3 years since I changed my profile picture. I don’t even look like that any more.

And now I’m only back because I need something! I need you to vote for my son’s band who is competing in the same contest my illustrious band, The CheeseBergens competed in some months back….but they actually have a chance of winning! So let me put in this plug for them before I give you a reason for my despicable actions.

They are called Diabology and here’s the link:

Diabology

http://metaldevastationradio.com/battle-of-the-bands/poll/8/who-wants-to-be-band-of-the-month-november-2017

By the way, for those who are wondering why I’ve been absent, it’s because instead of filling my dull, senseless hours  at work by blogging, I’m now doing freelance writing which I’m actually getting paid for.  It’s been a difficult choice, but blogging just ain’t paying the bills! (By the way, If you want to do the same, I suggest you check out Upwork.com.)

And now, to make this post just a bit less self-serving… a poem…

Look at me
A senseless hack
Gone too long
But now I’m back
Not for the good
Or for the greater
But just to ask
You all a favor
Surely I
Do not deserve
And you’ll all say
I have some nerve
Unfollow me
And call me damned
But maybe vote
For my son’s band.

Voting goes through the end of October only!!

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Vending Machine Imodium

Out on the road a week now
And oh, the travelers fate
To suffer consequences
Of what I might have ate

That makes my bowels a liquid
I sit here turning blue
Suspect the eggs from Denny’s
On Route 82

Can’t make it to the drug store
If you know what I mean
I’ll get that cut-rate stuff
From the vending machine

Cost me seven dollars
My stomach’s still a jerking
Why am I not surprised?
This stupid stuff ain’t working

Vending machine Imodium
Oh you’ve done me wrong
Vending machine Imodium
That’s why I sing this song

I don’t know what I done
Stole cheated and lied
It feels like Satan’s minion
Crawled in my guts and died

And though I don’t deserve it
Of that I have no doubt
I’d give anything
If he’d get the hell out

Maybe get some cyanide
To help and get me through it
Because I’ll tell you one thing
This Imodium won’t do it

But out of this is some advice
If you’re traveling please do
Pack Imodium and avoid the Denny’s
On Route 82

Vending machine Imodium
Oh, you’ve done me wrong
Vending machine Imodium
That’s why I sing this song

Written in response to Cold Hand (Craig) Boyack’s Blog: https://coldhandboyack.wordpress.com/2017/06/15/i-could-write-a-country-song/comment-page-1/#comment-27548

Thanks for getting me writing again!

My Girl Left Me For Satan

My girl left me for Satan
She said it was transcendental
When she saw him at the potluck
At the New Satanic Temple
Well she left me with the dog and I
Am cooking all my food
But I guess I must admit that he’s
One charismatic dude

Chorus:

My girl left me for Satan
And I guess it’s just as well
Though it’ll be kind of awkward when
We’re all burning in hell

Well it just ain’t been the same now that
My life became unfurled
Since my baby left me for the king
Of the underworld
I’m tired and I’m beat up and
Well most of all I’m bored
And I’m strongly thinking I should just
Go and worship the lord

Chorus

Well he stole my soul and now I guess
He stole my girlfriend too
But I guess the bathroom mirror should
Have given me a clue
Cause the steam don’t cover lipstick
And the truth is rather mean
But it’s very clearly written there
Says, ‘Satan loves Erlene!’

Chorus

I’m strongly considering forming a Satanic country band. Who’s in?

A Late Lunch

I was bringing Ms. James her Meals on Wheels
She didn’t come to the door
I went on in and there she was
Lying dead right on the floor
I called the proper authorities
They showed up minutes later
To find me eatin’ her fried chicken
And her mashed potaters

What Everybody Ought To Know About The CheeseBergens

Here is an awesome article written about my family band The CheeseBergens by fellow bloggers ‘Ladies in Rock’. Check it out!
Also, thank you to everyone who voted for us at the following link:
http://metaldevastationradio.com/battle
Voting is still open through the end of April. If you haven’t voted yet, please do!

Ladies in ROCK

What happens when two would have been rock stars have a middle aged crisis? They decide to form a family band with their unwitting children.

The CheeseBergens is a band comprised of Ides Bergen, father and drummer, Marissa Bergen, mother and bassist, Jesse Bergen, son and singer/lead guitarist and Anjelica Bergen, daughter and singer/guitarist.

Mama and Papa Cheese have been honing their skills for years playing the L.A. club circuit in bands to varying success. The Cheese Kids have been busy building their own resumes in rock schools in the L.A. area. Now they come together with their own brand of rock n’ roll with punk and metal influences.

The CheeseBergens have been featured on Rock Rage Radio, I Love Heavy Metal Radio and have appeared on two Metal Babe Mayhem compilations as well as Dewar’s PR Summer Compilation. They have played reputable Los Angeles clubs…

View original post 408 more words

Metal Devastation Band of the Month

Hey people! My band, The CheeseBergens has entered a contest for Band of the Month on Metal Devastation Radio and we need votes! To avoid gratuitous self promotion, I’ve decided to also write a poem to help promote the cause. A lot of my blogging friends already voted, I know, and thanks so much to those who did. Here is the link:

http://metaldevastationradio.com/battle

And here is the poem:

If you vote we’lll have a chance
If you vote, I’ll do a dance
Or if you think I’d better not
If you vote, then I will stop

If you vote I’ll kiss a frog
If you vote, I’ll like your blog
Leave messages and you can boast
Marissa commented “Great post!”

And voting isn’t just for you
Your aunt can vote, your mother too
And if they think the format’s foreign
Just log on and you vote for ’em

You only have to do it once
Perhaps we’ll be band of the month
We’ll thank the little people too
And then you know that we’ll mean you

If you vote I will pretend
That you’re my very best of friends
I’ll give you stuff and rub your shoulders
Least until the month is over

P.S. By the way, voting is ongoing until the end of April 2017. If you are reading this blog before the end of April, you still have the opportunity to vote, so please do. It’s very much appreciated!

NJ Metal Band Fires Drummer For Not Knowing All Metal Subgenres

It’s been a while since I’ve written for Geeks of Doom, but when they posted something about needing Onion style articles for April Fool’s Day…. I couldn’t resist. Here is the link to the article:

http://www.geeksofdoom.com/2017/04/01/nj-metal-band-fires-drummer-metal-afd

BTW, the picture is of my son’s band, but the article is fiction. What can I say? I needed an image and…where else was I gonna find such an appropriate bunch of goofballs?