Wake Me When The Show Is Over

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I used to wait til midnight then it was time to rock
Now I’m frightened if a band goes on past 10 o clock

Pre Chorus:
So find me a nice corner
Safe from the mosh pit
Throw an MC over me
Whatever you see fit
And you can call me old
And you can go ahead and mock
Just tell everybody else
How hard I friggin rocked

Chorus:
Cause it’s hard to get your kicks
When you’re waking up at six
Call me old, call me a poseur
But just wake, oh wake me, wake me, when the show is over

Well I have seen Black Sabbath, The Rolling Stones and more
But every time I just end up passed up on the floor

Pre Chorus
So put my somewhere safe
A little out of touch
If they ask just tell them
That I drank too much
Fill me in on details
So I can give my take
Of how it would have been if I
Were actually awake

Chorus
Cause it’s hard to get your kicks
When you’re waking up at six
Call me old, call me a poseur
But just wake, oh wake me, wake me when the show is over

Bridge:
Well it used to be I didn’t even wake up until noon
And I didn’t leave my house until the rising of the moon
But now that kind of living well it’s showing me no mercy
Especially when I am having dinner at 4:30.

Another, and quite possibly the last for a while…for The Angsty Old Ladies!

barplank

I Broke My Hip In The Mosh Pit

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I broke my hip in the mosh pit
I don’t remember that it ever was so rough
When was it that 13 year olds got so goddamn tough
I broke my hip in the mosh pit

I broke my hip in the mosh pit
I know they told me that I just should stay in back
But I could not resist and then something went crack
I broke my hip in the mosh pit

They lifted me above the crowd
To an ambulance I’m hurtling
But half the people thought that I
Was doing some crowd surfing

I broke my hip in the mosh pit
I didn’t know it would have been so damn ferocious
‘Specially with early onset osteoporosis
I broke my hip in the mosh pit

Another one for The Angsty Old Ladies!

ignored10

Dating In Your 40s

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In your 20s it’s all casual
An age when girls and boys
Are getting schooled at playing games
And all their lovers? toys

30s, time to reel them in
The long and short of it
Your favorite Friend With Benefits
May be ready to commit

But if you’re in your 40s
It’s quite a different thing
Cause he’s wondering what’s wrong with you
And you what’s wrong with him.

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23 Things You Should Do Before You’re 23

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So over the weekend Suzie81 wrote a blog about another blog, 23 Things To Do Instead of Getting Engaged Before You’re 23. I had never heard of the original blog, but apparently, the girl who wrote this blog got called a slut and a whore for writing about alternative activities she would partake in rather than getting engaged before turning 23. Also, apparently, this girl’s blog went viral. In the meantime, I can’t seem to get arrested in this town. So taking the point of view that all publicity is good publicity, here’s my list but it’s late so I don’t think I’ll get to 23. Bring it on bitches!!

1. Sleep with at least 10 people
2. Go out without any underwear
3. Strip in a strip club
4.Hang out with Miley Cyrus
5.Go through a goth phase
6. Go through a heavy metal phase
7. Go through a punk phase (complete with green hair, a mohawk, and piercings)
8. Get rip roaring drunk and throw up on your neighbors lawn
9. Sniff glue
10. Worship Satan

http://wanderonwards.com/2013/12/30/23-things-to-do-instead-of-getting-engaged-before-youre-23/

http://suzie81.wordpress.com/2014/01/04/23-things-you-should-actually-do-before-youre-23/

(blogged, trashed, revised, reblogged, thank you)

Happy New Nuttin’! (What New Years Means To Me)

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New Years can be a great time of the year. Whether you look back at the year that past with fond recollections, or whether the last year was not all you hoped it would be, there is always the prospect of a fresh start with high hopes for the year to come.

However,  like Pandora’s Box, and other things that carry the prospect of hope, there is also a certain amount of evil abound. For me, that evil can be summed up with three simple words: New Years Eve.

Back when I was young and single, in the days following Christmas, my mind would be largely occupied by a single thought: “What would be THEEE THING to do on New Years Eve?” The answer was always the same, and that would be to find some small intimate party with my closest friends and spend the entire night there. The problem was that, most years, such parties did not exist. The second most reasonable option then, was to go to sleep at 9 o’ clock and pray that I did not wake up until well past noon the next day. However, for a hardcore scenester like myself, this option presented the possibility that I would miss out on something LEGEND (wait for it) ARY.So once again, another option put to the wayside.

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All this added up to me being out on the streets, following leads on parties that I was not quite invited to, or trying to charm my way into overcrowded venues for free, as I set off on a long, and often unsuccessful quest for the ultimate New Years Eve. It also inspired me to write this somewhat dismal account of what New Years means to me.

1. Everyone is entirely too drunk entirely too early
2. All my favorite clubs are charging an exorbitant fee at the door and are overrun by a bridge and tunnel crowd
3. Everyone expects something magical to happen and often it doesn’t
4. The TV selection is obnoxious and everyone at Times Square looks freezing cold and like they have to pee really badly
5. Resolutions are for suckers
6.If you are a parent, you could enjoy an expensive night out with your significant other,(not to mention what you had to pay the babysitter to work on…gasp…New Years Eve!!!) only to wake up at 7 AM with a throbbing head and a toddler who thinks it would be fun to start off the new year by pouncing on your bed.
7. If you are single you are weighing your options on the whole midnight kiss thing…and it does not look promising
8.The news has slowed to a halt and now all journalists remind us that we have spent the year looking at Miley Cyrus, Justin Beiber, and the Kardashians and using acronyms much too often.
9. The prospect of going back to work seems more hideous than ever.
10. 358 days till Christmas

All of this leads me to my current state of contentment which is staying at home with  my husband and two children who are easily pleased by party poppers, funny hats, cookies, and a movie on New Years Day. So I guess I did get that intimate party with my closest friends after all…and I’m gonna stay there…all night.

With sincere hopes that you fare better than I ever have on New Years Eve… May the odds be ever in your favor.

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The Respectable Woman’s Guide to New Year’s Resolutions

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To stop writing Satanic messages on the blackboard in the frozen yogurt place
To learn how to use the soda machine at Wendy’s
To stop picking my nose in the car and leaving it under the driver’s seat
To stop tailgating little old ladies with my cart in the supermarket
To memorize all the words to Motorhead’s new album and sing them loudly in the school yard when I am picking up my kids
To stop reading blogs when I’m supposed to working
To stop cyber stalking my old boyfriends
To stop wearing torn underwear
To stop asking for samples at See’s Candies when I really don’t intend to buy anything
To sleep with Jared Leto
and of course…
To recycle

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Holiday Party Blues

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As a teenager and young adult, I always loved going to parties. But ever since children came in to the picture, the amount of party invitations I received have been rapidly declining. That’s why I was thrilled when my husband told me that my presence was required at his company office party. And this one could actually be fun being that my husband does not work for a stuffy law firm, but rather one of the biggest music rehearsal studios in the world, catering to a clientele of unbelievably famous rock and pop stars. While I’m sure none of the clients will be at the party, at least it will be somewhat of a rock n’ roll crowd.

However, since I have not been to a party in a while, my husband and I had to have a long talk about what is considered proper party etiquette for a person my age and I’m not so sure I am looking forward to the party any more.

My husband has specifically told me I am forbidden from:
1)Telling all his colleagues that I am not his wife but in fact a prostitute he paid to escort him to the party and then passing around my ‘business cards’ to some of his coworkers
2) Asking the boss’ wife if she can refer me to a good plastic surgeon
3) Asking May from accounting how far along she is (May is not pregnant)
4) Taking my husband’s boss aside and asking him to give my husband a raise while showing him pictures of our poor children
5)Taking my husband’s boss aside and asking him if it would be possible to introduce me to Mick Jagger, what Mick Jagger is really like and whether he thinks we would hit it off
6) If I must sing karaoke, I am strictly forbidden from doing my best bump and grind while performing an embarrassingly erotic version of “Santa Baby” ( and by the way, all dancing on the bar is, well, off the table)
7)The wearing of lampshades and togas is strictly prohibited
8) And absolutely, positively, under no circumstances, am I to fax a picture of my breasts to corporate.

Party, schmarty, I think I’ll just stay home!!

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Women Our Age

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Oh leather pants, oh leather pants
Oh how you mock me so
Hot pants and halter tops
I guess you all must go

And all the boys I turned away
I guess they’re older too
And maybe they’ll remember me
As the girl that they once knew.
Soccer moms and working moms
Same age as me, I’m told
Do I fit in so seamlessly?
Surely I am not that old.
Days turn into weeks and months
Yet I spend my time denying.
I am still that 16 year old girl
It’s the mirror that is lying.
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10 Don’ts For the Aging Man

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Aging. We all have to deal with it. However, it seems that women and men deal with it quite differently. While many women try to moderate their clothing and hairstyles to look stylish, tasteful and age appropriate, I really don’t think the term ‘age appropriate’ is understood in the male vocabulary.

Some say it is unfair that men seem to hold up so much better than women, how their salt and pepper hair and receding hair lines make them look distinguished, while women seem to have no such luck.

However, men should know, that after a certain age, there are things they just CAN NOT get away with, no matter how dapper or youthful they fancy themselves to be. I have done all aging men a great service in compiling the list below. (By the way, this was inspired by actual events that I witnessed over the past 7 days.)

Aging men SHOULD NOT:

10.Ride a skateboard (this includes scooters, segways, and riding on the backs of shopping carts)

9. Go out without a shirt on (nuff said)

8. If you must date a younger woman, do not go down the street holding her hand. She will look like your daughter

7. Drive a convertible (especially if you have a bald spot) or any terribly small car that looks like an extension of your penis

6. Wear shorts, especially with white sport socks and sandals

5. Toupees, bad hair restorations, comb overs and obviously dyed hair are not highly recommended

4. Nor are most types of plastic surgery

3. Use youthful slang (don’t pretend you are jiggy with it, you are most certainly NOT jiggy with it)

2. Flirt with noticeably younger women, especially in that ‘I’m so cute’ sort of way

And the number 1 thing aging men (or perhaps men of any age) should never do (drumroll please)

10. Wear a Speed-o

That’s right guys, you’re doing it, we’re looking and it’s not good!

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Sorry, I Must Have Lost My Mind

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So here’s an existential question for the ages…Did you ever have a friend and you’ve known them for some time, maybe even a few years, and then you begin to notice that they are absolutely bat s*** crazy? Well, the question is, did they become crazy while you knew them or were they always crazy and you just realized this as you got to know them better?

That is something to ponder as I briefly describe my friendship with Evangeline.

1. I meet Evangeline and she is the coolest girl in the world, full stop, hands down, real girl’s night out girl,  very down to earth and also, the lead singer in my band.

2. Evangeline meets Lee. Now we all expect our friends to change a bit when they fall in love. But this is the kind of love where the two of them are so intertwined that you have to constantly remind them that there are other people in the world.

3. Evangeline marries Lee, leaves the band and the two of them become hardcore hippies, we’re talking no shaving, no killing of animals no matter how small, love, peace and all that good stuff and they move to a commune in Pennsylvania presumably never to be heard from again.

4. Even though the two of them now reside in what I imagine as a hut in the swamps of Florida where they probably send Lee out in a lightening storm with a key and a kite to get internet service, Evangeline tracks me down through Facebook where we resume a virtual friendship which can be described as spotty at best. That is to say, she will write  once in a while, I will write back, and it is likely that I will not hear from her again for months on end.

5. The other day, after not hearing from Evangeline for months, I receive the following email from her. (I did edit some of the irrelevant stuff out, but other than that, it is cut and paste from the internet).

I am growing and changing very much @ this time in my life. I’ve been really searching for who I am and what I want. I would have never thought this would happen now, but I need to remember who I am. Through many moments of remembering and forgetting, I kept thinking of you and all of the amazing times we had together, a very freeing feeling!!!! So again, thank you for your friendship, you are an inspiration in my life Marissa.

Since I can be obsessive, I’ve been trying to obsess on things that are good for me. So for the last few months I’ve been practicing yoga and meditation in the most exotic locations, mainly at the shoreline of the Gulf of Mexico. Inner peace is a gift so precious, no one can give it to you or buy it for you or even lend it to you. It is a rare gem we all need to find on our own. So I give thanks to the universe and the Goddess energy for helping to heal my busy mind and be connected to LOVE.

<awkward silence> <crickets>

Huh? How do I respond to this? How are you really, Evangeline? Everything alright with you and Lee? I got a really cool pair of jeans the other day? Does anyone else out there think this odd or am I just not growing with the new age times? Anyway, that’s all from me. Until I next become inspired…

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