Please Sign My Hannukah Petition!

Some spell it with a C and H
Some with an extra K
I’ve seen it with a Q and X
And ends with H or A

And once I’ve gotten half way there
I have to start again
‘Cause I seem to have forgotten
Where to put the extra N

But it really shouldn’t matter
Where the wild wind it blows
When it comes to spelling Hanukah
It’s as if anything goes

All concept of grammar and
Religion have been shaken
Oy vey, like are they Jews?
Cause it’s more like they are pagan!!

Blatant abuse of language well
It’s causing quite a stir
Maybe now Mersh will worship but
Not wear a yamulke

But, oh yeah, while we are at it let’s
Condemn ourselves to hell
And go and spell it ‘yamika’
Like the goys think it’s spelled

Or perhaps its gone new agey and
It don’t like to be labeled
Or bogged down with proper grammar like
It’s brother dreidel (dreidl)

This is no less than anarchy
There must be a decision!
For correct spelling of Hannukah
I’m making a petition

And I hope that you will sign it but
One thing before you do
Tell me what you’re thinking should
It be one N or two?

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How The Grinchstein Stole Chanukah

Every Jew down in Jewville liked Chanukah a lot
But the Grinchstein who lived up just northward did not
Yes, Grinchstein he hated the whole Christmas season
Please don’t ask why, no one knows quite the reason

For hating eight days and also eight nights
Maybe his yamaka fit him too tight
But here was the Grinchstein majorly bumming
Because he knew soon, Chanukah was a-coming

“For 53 years I’ve endured this and now
Chanukah must be stopped, just a question of how!”
Then quicker than you can say “oh diarrhea!”
The Grinch got a wonderful awful idea

“With this tallit, and with this tzit tzit
The Jews down in Jewville won’t know me a bit
I’ll wear this fake beard this hat and this shawl
And then they will think I am old Uncle Sol

And to be consistent to this monologue
I also will take my long suffering dog”
And then he took off from the spot where he stood
And went off stop Chanukah once for good!

He descended on Jewville in houses did creep
Where all of the Jews were in bed fast asleep
The toys he threw in his bag in one fell swoop
Along with the kugel and matzah ball soup

And just as you might shout out ‘Oh kina hora”
He blew out the lights lit up on the menorah
And soon he would take off into the night sky
When he heard a small voice say “Uncle Sol, why?”

He spun ’round so quick that it threw him off center
There stood Cindy Goldstein of course, the town yenta
But he said “It’s me Sol, how dare that you doubt
My motives, you see the menorah burned out

And really I just need to heat up this brisket
Back at my cave while I go and fix it
Now go back to bed dear and worry no more”
And then that old louse, why he ran out of the door

And then home to sleep and so restful he lay
Assured that no Chanukah come the next day
But to the dismay of his cold little heart
The very next morning he awoke with a start

And to his old dog he said “What is the deal, uh
I hear the Jews out there sing Hava Nagila!”
And so out the window he sat and he stared
At happy Jews lifting each other on chairs

And wondered at his little plan’s epic fail
(Or maybe just Loehmann’s was having a sale?)
But he knew Chanukah didn’t come from a store
Because Chanukah meant a little bit more

And The Grinch’s heart it grew 3 sizes that day
He told his old mother and she said “Oy Vey
I think maybe you ought to go see a doctor”
Who advised that he cut back on fried latkes

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Bubbe Madge

I’ve decided I should get
More in touch with my roots
To visit with my ancestors
In wild days of youth

And capture some of that good old
Inherited black magic
Digging through the boxes that are
Lying in my attic

Perhaps it was delirium
Maybe the mothball smell
But soon standing before me there
My Bubbe Madge herself

No waxing sentimental, no
From that she did refrain
And did what Jewish grandmas do
She started to complain

She asked if I was married yet
She asked me what he did
She asked me whether I had wed
A goyem or a yid

She asked me why it was I wore
Those short skirts like a shiksa
She asked me was I planning to
Get my son Bar Mitzvahed

She talked about her daughters and
She told me that truth
Was that she never really liked
Our poor old Aunt Ruth

She talked about her death and how
They thought it was a schtick
How her tombstone should really say
“I told you I was sick!”

And as she complained on and on
My vision became waves
And right before my very eyes
My Bubbe seemed to fade

And with relief I thought about
What I had heard and seen
And thankfully soon realized that
It had been a bad dream

Until I smelled a distinct smell
I sniffed until I found
A great big pan of kugel there
Upon my looking down

I saw the note she left and knew
My dream was much too real
It read, “Darling you look like you
Could use a decent meal.”

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Passover For Dummies

The Pharaoh came from Egypt and said,
“Have you heard the news?
Holy freakin’ crap- We’re being
over run by Jews!
There’s gotta be a better way,
Something must be done!
I know what we’re gonna do!
We’ll kill their first born sons!”

I guess their plan would have worked,
But Jesus, Mary, Joseph!
A badass Jewish son was born,
His mother named him Moses.
She sent him down the river so,
That she could save his life,
Unfortunately he was found
By the Pharaoh’s wife.

I guess he looked Goyish enough,
Or no one looked too hard,
But they got tipped off when he,
Killed an Egyptian guard.
Then Moses said “Oh no, some heavy
Shit be goin’ down,
I better go and take my ass, and
Run it out of town!”

Perhaps he drank bad cactus juice,
Or his brain turned to mush,
When he saw God talk to him from,
Inside a burning bush.
He said “You have to save the Jews!
There really is no other.
Here, take this guy, bet you didn’t
know I have a brother.”

Moses went to get the Jews,
But Egypt nearly flipped,
So God set out to curse them,
With some heavy fucked up shit.
Frogs and lice, blood and disease,
Locusts and freezing rain,
But it passed over all the Jews,
That’s right, hence the name.

They took off for the desert fast,
Or soon they would be dead,
But before they went, they said
“Hey, let’s bake some bread!”
They saw that was a bad idea,
They had to make it fast, see-”
So that’s why it was kind of flat,
And tasted pretty nasty.

Egyptians were hot on their trail,
Ready for the slaughter,
But the Jews were in good shape,
Till they encountered water.
They knew it was all over and,
The end was near for sho’!
Till Moses said, “I’ll show you all,
A neat trick that I know.”

So he parted the water and,
The Jews they did escape,
But not so much for Egyptians,
Who met their watery fate.
The Jews had a good laugh at this,
But God made them think twice,
And now Passover they recall,
That wasn’t very nice.

But there’s a happy ending here,
To this first Passover,
The Jews soon found the promised land,
I think they call it Boca.

This was originally posted last year and barely got any views. Hopefully it will get more love this year. My apologies to those who have already read it.

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And that kids…is the story of Passover.

 

Hanukkah For Dummmies

In 168 BC,
Things looked badly for the Jews,
It seemed the Greek emperor,
Wanted them to worship Zeus.

The Jews they didn’t like this,
And the Jews said, “Oy yoy yoy,
Who is this meshuggeneh?
I think that he’s a goy!”

And so the Jews did dissent,
To the mountains they did flee,
And this brave group of rebels,
Were known as the Maccabees.

(And to avoid confusion,
And set you straight on your facts,
This wasn’t the group of hippies,
Who followed Fleetwood Mac.)

And so a war did ensue,
And it was quite a ruckus,
The Jews said “We worship freely,
Or we’re gonna kick your tokhes!”

I don’t know how they did it,
But the Jews thwarted the Greeks,
Cause I’ve read Greek mythology,
Have you seen those physiques?

They got back to their temple,
Old hang of the Greek army,
Though they did not win the war,
They sure knew how to party!

The place smelled to high heaven,
With a very potent odor,
And so the Jews said “Oy vey!
This probably’s not kosher!”

And so then they decided,
To make holiness return,
They would light a menorah,
With the oil there to burn.

But when they saw their supplies,
All the women did kvetch,
“Hey, I told you to buy more!
Now there’s barely any left!”

So the men said,”Just relax,
We’ll get more and come back.”
“But it will take you 8 days,
To get to Avi’s Glatt!”

So the women worried,
And they put up a tsimes,
But God said “Relax ladies,
Yo bubalas, I got this.”

With God as their copilot,
There was no time to toil,
They said “Let’s blow this matzah stand,
And go get us some oil!”

They returned to the menorah lit,
And nothing could be greater,
They made a righteous party,
Fit to outdo the seder.

And to give thanks to their God,
For doing the people good,
Jews spend 8 days and nights each year,
Eating fried, oil based food.

In January when they’re done,
Giving their thanks to him,
They search for the best Groupons,
So that they can join the gym.

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….and that kids, is the story of Hanukkah…

 

If I Were Moses’ Mother

Of all stories in the Bible
I really must quip
As to whether God and Moses
had a healthy relationship
And to analyze
this matter even further
What would I say
if I was Moses’ mother?

Admittedly it would be
hard to understand it
After freeing the Jews and the business
with the 10 Commandments
I’d probably want to know
what he thought there was to it
And ask him, “If God asked you to jump off a bridge
would you do it?”

I’d say “You are a person
of your own free will!
You keep hanging out with that God boy,
you’ll get yourself killed!
Nothing good will come of it,
he’ll lead you on the road to ruin!
Why don’t you go see
what that nice Satan boy is doing?”

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Those Who Can’t Find, Seek

I’ve been a yogi, volunteered to be,
A true humanitarian,
I’ve worshipped at alters, and my faith never faltered,
As a vegan or vegetarian.

I’ve been a punk, and I’ve been monk,
Then a Jew who thought it a mitzvah,
Put the Christ in Christmas, then Jehovah’s Witness,
And even a Hare Krishna.

I hopped on a plane, and traveled to Spain,
And then to Italy,
But all of my travels, had me quite unraveled,
For clearly what I sought was me.

So into the desert, I walked to avert,
My sheer desperation,
Hoping the sand and the sun, would make me feel as one,
A step closer to self actualization.

And as I walked on, I saw a vagabond,
And though he appeared a bit tragic,
Somehow I did know, deep down in my soul,
That he was somewhat magic.

That it seemed he, would bestow upon me,
A gift of time and man,
And so I’d see, he’d unlock the key,
To who I really am.

And so in speech, I did beseech,
“I believe sir you are great,
And will bestow eternally, wisdom upon me,
Tell me, what’s my fate?”

“I’ve traveled far and near, just to hear,
The wisdom of a man,
On my journey, of eternity
To tell me who I am.”

His eyes searched mine, and I did find
Him make a true assessment,
As to what he found, as he looked around,
Of life and what it all meant.

And as he looked, on tenterhooks,
I awaited what he might say,
And lo and behold, he said “You’re an asshole,”
And then he walked away.

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Passover For Dummies

The Pharaoh came from Egypt and said,
“Have you heard the news?
Holy freakin’ crap- We’re being
over run by Jews!
There’s gotta be a better way,
Something must be done!
I know what were gonna do!
We’ll kill their first born sons!”

I guess their plan would have worked,
But Jesus, Mary, Joseph!
A badass Jewish son was born,
His mother named him Moses.
She sent him down the river so,
That she could save his life,
Unfortunately he was found
By the Pharaoh’s wife.

I guess he looked Goyish enough,
Or no one looked to hard,
They got tipped off when he killed,
An Egyptian guard.
Then Moses said “Oh no, Some heavy
Shit be goin’ down,
I better go and take my ass, and
Run it out of town!”

Maybe he drank bad cactus juice,
Or his brain turned to mush,
When he saw God talk to him from,
Inside a burning bush.
He said “You have to save the Jews!
There really is no other.
Here take this guy, bet you didn’t
know I have a brother.”

Moses went to get the Jews,
But Egypt nearly flipped,
So God set out to curse them,
With some heavy fucked up shit.
Frogs and lice, blood and disease,
Locusts and freezing rain,
But it passed over all  the Jews,
That’s right, hence the name.

 They took off for the desert fast,
Or soon they would be dead,
But before they went, they said
“Hey, let’s bake some bread!”
They saw that was a bad idea,
They had to make it fast, see-”
So that’s why it was kind of flat,
And tasted pretty nasty.

Egyptians were hot on their trail,
Ready for the slaughter,
But the Jews were in good shape,
Till they encountered water.
They knew it was all over and,
The end was near for sho’!
Till Moses said, “I’ll show you all,
A neat trick that I know.”

So he parted the water and,
The Jews they did escape,
But not so much for Egyptians,
They met their watery fate.
The Jews had a good laugh at this,
But God made them think twice,
And now Passover they recall,
That  wasn’t very nice.

But there’s a happy ending here,
To this first Passover,
The Jews soon found the promised land,
I think they call it Boca.

imgres

And that kids…is the story of Passover.

image credit: houseofgeekery.com

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