What’s A Girl To Do?

I really wish this guy would leave
He’s talking way too loud
Soon I’m thinking that I might
Just go and kick him out

I’m getting sick of hearing him
And looking at his face
He walks around with attitude
You’d think he owns the place

I’m working on a masterpiece
But all I get’s frustration
He keeps asking me questions and
It ruins concentration

A furrowed brow a curled up lip
A glow’ring evil glint
Oblivious it seems that he
Just doesn’t get the hint

And what more am I gonna do
It seems I’m at a loss
In instances like these what is it
you say to your boss?

Serious Selfies

Oh Gina May Melinda Mark
I say it just ain’t healthy
The lengths to which you seem to go
Just to procure a selfie
A long time you did date dear Todd
Was it two years or three?
Until twas time to give that speech
“It isn’t you but me”
The poor man was a wreck that day
He sobbed and he did cry
He left but as you called him back
Great hope did fill his eyes
But disappointment reigned as you
Did bring up from your purse the
Bane of all existence as
You called out “Breakup Selfie!!”

And then there was the time when you
Thought it would be a thrill
To go out to a nightclub after
Taking funky pills
You called up some old guy you knew
From the wrong part of town
And wouldn’t you just know it as
The deal was going down
You whipped your little camera out
They hit the deck real stealthy
But not quite quick enough as you
Hollered out ” Drug Deal Selfie!”

And then there was the time when your
Poor aunt did pass away
It was a somber mood at the
Funeral home that day
I could not quite believe it but
I’m sure my eyes did see
You leaned upon the wooden box
Her home eternally
And as we heard the somber bells
That rang deep from the belfry
We couldn’t quite ignore the clicks
You screamed “Funeral Selfie!”

Gina I am afraid that you
Should open up your eyes
Or all this selfie taking might
Just lead to your demise
The people you upset out there
Might label you as sick
And feel the need to strangle you
With your own selfie stick
Or maybe a cliffside somewhere
You try to catch the beauty
With your famous iPhone lens
Watch out, first step’s a doozy!

AC/DC In The BC

Did you tell you mom you thought
Her make up was terrific
Write your boyfriend’s name in hearts
In Roman hieroglyphics

Ask them if they thought it was
A sin against the Torah
If you had strange feelings back in
Sodom and Gomorrah

Draw rainbows with a thin reed pen
‘Til it ran out of ink
Request your tunic belted and
In shades of deepest pink

Did you go down to the beach
Most every single night
Say how your folks don’t get you to
The hip Israelites

Ask why your voice was getting deep
And your chest so hairy
Cause you look more like a Joseph but
Identified as Mary

Think of all the tactful ways
With upmost etiquette
To come out of a closet that’s
Not been invented yet

You curse the weight you had to bear
Because it’s plain to see
Twas no fun being AC/DC
Back In the BC

Bon Voyage Faux Pas

You said you were leaving
You told me goodbye
We threw a big party
We had a good cry

We talked about texting
The emails we’d type
Facebook and Twitter
Long sessions on Skype

But now you come round
You tell me things changed
A bug in the system
A plan rearranged

A change of location
Some urgent phone calls
And it looks like you’re staying
Around after all

And though I should take this
With thunderous applause
It produces no more
Than a long awkward pause

As I questioned how
I would ever go on
I was quite getting used to
A world with you gone

Now also I wonder
If I would lack tact
If I asked you to give me
My goodbye gifts back

Or asked compensation
For the food and drink
I brought to the party
Or ask what you think

About me attempting
To act on prospects
To apply for your job
Or to ask out your ex

But I guess dearest friend
What I’d most like to know
If there isn’t some other place
You’d like to go

One Big Butt

His last name was Butt
And he couldn’t deny
There was no remedy
That he wouldn’t try

Although he would tell them
He was no relation
Discredit all claims
Change pronunciation

The end of the day
It was so sad but true
Anybody could see
Mom and dad were Butts too

He’d kill to be any
Like Lipschitz or Weiner
Not so obvious
Though perhaps some obscener

Couldn’t change it around
Or try to be cute
Or say that it’s really
Bott, Bitt, Bett or Bute

Couldn’t trade it at marriage
Couldn’t take it away
So he’d be a Butt
Until his dying day

A burden for life
He was destined to carry
Thank his lucky stars
His first name’s not Harry

My deepest sympathies to anyone with an unfortunate last name.

I Am The Walrus: Musings Of An Irate Puffin

“Oh walrus you’re a lazy one
Just lying on the beach
Water expelled to excavate
The shellfish from your teeth

Cologne that’s reminiscent of
Some old crustacean musk
Lascivious you tempt your mates
By the size of your tusks

The sounds you make are ungainly
No small feat on your part
To snort and grunt and bellow out
To moan and even fart

And yet no one dare mess with you
You great aquatic hulk
Who’d want to be demolished by
2000 pounds of bulk

But some do look upon your kind
As infinitely wise
Perhaps your unkempt whiskers since
I barely see your eyes

But it does not seems fair to me
That so many pay homage
While all us other creatures here
Do barely get acknowledged

The moose, the sea otter and I
We truly have our doubts
Based on observed behaviors what
The fuss could be about

And yet you end up in the greatest
Literary tomes
Inspired Lewis Carroll to
Write you a little poem

Appeared on Beatles albums and
I bet you think it’s true
That even dear John Lennon would
Have not a thing on you

What do you say oh walrus pray
Please speak up now or never
Just what is it that makes you wise
Respected, thought as clever

Speak up or I’ll add to my list
You’re ignorant and rude!!”
“Snort, I am the walrus!
Goo Goo g’ frickin joob!”

This is my third and final installment of the Quote A Day challenge. Thanks again to Mark Bialczak and Erika Kind  for nominating me.

Brown Shoes Don’t Make It: Here Lies John

The mourners they wept quietly
And gathered there they stood
Staring at the solemn lid
On that closed box of wood
And with rev’rent austerity
They filed to their seats
As a suited businessman
Prepared to make his speech
“John he was quite smart you know
And that I can confirm
I met the man when he showed up
For a job at my firm
It seemed he was the guy for us
As so it did appear
He had a brilliant business mind
Out of the box ideas
I would present our manager
With most glowing reviews
But so unfortunate I saw
The choosing of John’s shoes
And so it was bad news that day
I was the one to break it
‘We’ll have to go with someone else
You see brown shoes don’t make it’ ”

And next up to the speaker box
For her funereal duty
A lovely woman statuesque
And really a great beauty
She said “Dear John was very kind
Really he was great
I met him when I was set up
With him on a blind date
Funny sexy witty smart
My heart did run amuck
He had it all and really I
Could not believe my luck
I was about to call my friend
The greatest of matchmakers
But when I saw his shoes I thought
‘Oh no that’s a deal breaker’
I tried, I made a second date
But then I had to break it
I said ‘Look John I’m sorry I’m
Afraid brown shoes don’t make it’ ”

The third speaker was up that day
Amidst the tears and crying
He was a quite unlikely beast
A regal golden lion
“It was quite odd that I saw John
Step in my cage that day
I think he was trying to be
Heroic in some way
I’m sure that he was doing just
What he thought right and best
Rescuing a wallet for a
Damsel in distress
But really if you think ’bout it
Oh what a thing to do
We all know that a real hero
Just doesn’t wear brown shoes
And so I saw him crawling round
And thought it quite suspicious
Until it did occur to me
He just might be delicious
And though you may think ill of me
Don’t knock it till you try
The succulent and juicy flesh
Of The Boring White Guy
The very best in all the land
And many of us say
It rivals every zebra as
The finest in gourmet
And when this tasty morsel did
Come crawling round my den
I licked my lips… oh excuse me
Now where was I again?
Well anyway, to sum it up
Imagine my delight
I think I finished up poor John
In no more than one bite
But when I saw those bland brown shoes
My stomach couldn’t take it
Even us felines know,
Those brown shoes just don’t make it
So when I saw them sitting there
I just could not go on
So I’m afraid that pair of shoes
Is all that’s left of John.

Incorporating the great Frank Zappa’s quote into my post today for the Quote A Day Challenge. Thanks to Mark Bialczak and Erika Kind for nominating me.

Fairies Wear Boots: Behind The Music

Cecilia was a fairy girl
Who never fussed or cussed
But flew around in forests sprinkling
Love and fairy dust

Until she did get bored one day
Of always being nice
And called on Fairy Godmother
To ask for some advice

And her godmother said to her
“I know about these things
You must go out and live your life
To truly earn your wings

Go out into the human world
Live up and party hard
This amulet will protect you
And here’s my credit card.”

And so Ceclia did go out
To see what she could find
She ran around and had a blast
For all of fairy kind

She went out clubbing, danced on bars
Bathed naked in jacuzzis
Shopped around in high end stores
Drank champagne, ate sushi

Drag raced cars and belly danced
And really lived it up
While snorting lines from dollar bills
Of magic fairy dust

Time came Cecilia to return
And be among her species
But she was now a different girl
And asked to be called CeeCee

Wore halter tops and leather shorts
Hair pink from tip and root
Red lipstick, shadow, cat eye shades
And thigh high leather boots

And with her newfound confidence
She thought she’d take a chance
She grabbed a rather dishy dwarf
And did a dirty dance

Then Ozzy Osbourne did walk by
Was this an aberration?
Or flashbacks of bad acid trips
Causing hallucinations?

He visited the doctor then
To tell him that he saw
A fairy who was wearing boots
Dancing with a dwarf

The doctor said “you see these thing
Just don’t exist at all
You really have to stop the drugs
Get off the alcohol!

Get it together or I fear
Your life will soon be over!”
And laughed off Ozzy when he said
That he was stone cold sober.

I would like to thank Mark Bialczak for nominating me for the ‘If You Are A Quote Lover’ challenge. Of course I bent the rules a bit, but what else is new?

My Frivolous Things

Rock n’ roll music and my little kiddies
Pink platform boots and a black vinyl mini
A flying V strung with six nylon strings
These are a few of my favorite things

Neon eye shadow and black liquid liner
Tight jeans made up by my favorite designer
A skull that’s engraved in a big silver ring
These are a few of my favorite things.

Writing and blogging and bad poetry
Bands from the 80s with hair to their knees
New York in summer London in the spring
These are a few of my favorite things

When someone’s late, when I can’t sleep
When I’m feeling sad
I simply remember a chocolate cake
And then I don’t feel so bad.

Repeat ad nauseam.

This is my take on the love hate challenge. Thank you to Kim Boxin and Paola from Doted On for nominating me.

By popular demand, I have added a video of my performing the song live. It was a real rush job for which I apologize in advance but, at the very least, have a laugh on me.

 

 

High Stakes

Gladys lights her cigar up
Ethel her pipe bowl
She says “I see your coupons
And raise you a quarter roll!”

Esther says “I fold, you are
Too rich for my blood honey
Don’t think this pair of sevens
Gonna win your laundry money!”

Then I’m sure Martha is out
She’s always the most frugal
But she sees the quarters with
Her recipe for kugel

Estelle and Bea and Gwen are out
The stakes are much too hot
It’s just Ethel and Martha
Drawing cards now for the pot

Martha’s got her poker face
Will the end be dismal?
Bea misreads it and hands her
A pack of Pepto Bismol

And the next thing that I know
The pot is getting huge
Ethel’s put her girdle in
And orthopedic shoes

Martha isn’t backing down
In fact she is hell bent
With her prescription pot and her
Last will and testament

Martha threw in hard candies
A crystal centerpiece
Ethel threw in dates for Martha’s sons
With her her hot niece

And barely could I look as so
Much higher went the bids
Referral cards for doctors and
Pictures of their grandkids

How high the pile still would grow
I could only venture
But Martha did stop Ethel when
She offered up her dentures

Demanded that she show her hand
And Ethel was resigned
To fan the cards she held so dear
To show four of a kind

And Martha gathered up the pot
And Ethel paid her dues
All for a hand that turned out as
A lousy pair of twos.