Ice Slipping

Flailing and trailing, efforts unavailing
The masses assailing I hold tight the railing
Trying to ice skate and epically failing

Doll In A Box

Oh Barbie doll oh Barbie doll
Oh how you mock me so
My daughter did delight with awe
Just 2 hours ago

At the pink perfection of
You laying in your box
Which as it turns out’s harder to
Get into than Fort Knox

Your head and hands are bound up like
Some obscene S & M
That makes me wonder what is going
On with you and Ken

Or more important what cruel trick
That Santa has delivered
I work my way through twist ties so
Precarious my scissors

As Christmas cheer, good will towards men
Does quickly travel south
My daughter stares in horror at
Mom foaming at the mouth

But Barbie sits with a fixed grin
Through my verbal abuse
And much to my amazement I
Can feel her coming loose!

I hold her like a trophy but
Become dismayed to find
Indeed she’s loose although I see
Her head is left behind

My daughter screams and so it seems
Our Christmas celebration
Will end in plastic remnants of
Barbie’s decapitation

Industrial strength plastic tabs
Positioned like a sword
Which affix the back of her skull
Right on to the cardboard

And despite that some celebrate
Their savior’s anniversary
I see no other choice but to
Perform extensive surgery

I tell my daughter to be brave
She seems able to grapple
I don the gloves, line up the knives and
Prompt my daughter ‘Scalpel”

And so begins the operation
And the very serious
Labor sewing, cutting all
Which seems to be quite tedious

But after hours I did bring
Back Barbie from the dead
I snipped off all her plastic tags
I reattached her head

And now I must convince my girl
That she is the town envy
And that Barbie’s new uneven bob
Is hip and chic and trendy.

…And So This Is New Year’s…

The luck that must have shined on me
I could hardly believe
To be invited to a party
On this New Year’s Eve

Libations flowed, the music rocked
A cute guy next to me
But I could put it off no more
I really had to pee

It was not long I found myself
With those of a like mind
For I stood at the end of what
Seemed to be quite a line

Which may have spanned for acres or
Perhaps for city blocks
As looks went to the destined door
Now ominously locked

And I could tell there was no sense
Even remotely hoping
That in a timely fashion we
Would see the damn thing open

Because for sure behind that door
Drugs flowed through open veins
Sex or vomiting or death
And mountains of cocaine

Or seats that over flowed with waste
All stuffed up with debris
It seemed I had no choice but find
Another place to pee

The bushes were a last resort
But as I looked around
I saw an unsuspecting door
With stairs there leading down

A basement rec room so pristine
A light among the bleakness
A bathroom there that beckoned like
A New Year’s best kept secret

My bladder emptied I was ready
Washed, sorted and flushed
But when I tried to leave I found
The door just wouldn’t budge

I banged I screamed the door mocked me
Solid as a boulder
The question should I break it down
And risk breaking my shoulder

Or curse myself for foolishness
Be damned all circumspection
Or Verizon for a phone which now
Was reading no reception

Desperate to keep the buzz alive
My mind was clearly set
To swallow all I found in the
Medicine cabinet

But after scouring a bit
It seemed all I could find
Was an aspirin and some laxatives
From 1999

I look into the mirror at
My sequin’s hollow glow
Talk ’bout being all dressed up
With no place to go

The Jimmy Choos and draping back
More suited to a club
Had someone only warned me I’d
Be sleeping in a tub

I cursed impatience, curio
As well as a small bladder
Well talk about another year
That went straight down the crapper

Rudolf The Red Nosed Reindeer: Behind The Nose

You know Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen,
You know Comet and Cupid and Donner and Blitzen,
But do you know of the rise and fall
Of the most famous reindeer of all?

Well early on I guess you know
He had it pretty bad
Bullied all through childhood
Rejected by his dad

Santa tried to help him on
That night so over cast
But Rudolf was already down
A no good wayward path

Now suddenly surrounded by
The friends he met through fame
Who plied him well with alcohol
And mountains of cocaine

And as his star was rising and
His videos gone viral
So began the process of a
Sure and downward spiral

Sometimes he’d answer drunkenly
To Santa’s Christmas call
Sometimes he’d show up hungover
And sometimes not at all

But Santa finally had to show
Rudolf the exit sign
When he ran over grandma back
In 1979

A fake nose on a younger deer
New fangled and shined brighter
Told all that it was Rudolf and
Most folks were none the wiser

Meanwhile things for Rudolf looked
Like they were really bad
He did a stint on Dr. Drew’s
Celebrity Rehab

Tried working at Christmas displays
Pulling sleds on teams
But he was always shown the door
Unable to keep clean

And so alone he turned to frozen
Tundras for survival
Until he willingly succumbed
To a huntsman’s rifle

Who later brought him home unto
His family to eat
But his wife saw a strange red light
Glowing in the meat

It’s probably a good thing that
The family did refrain
Toxicology reports found deadly
Levels of cocaine

And so poor Rudolf went down in
Abject obscurity
Children feel free to sing along
It’s in the key of G.

Hipster Santa

Make sure to keep the doorway clear
When he comes in the room
He ain’t comin down the chimney
Cause the risk of toxic fumes

And if your fireplace burns wood
Then no gifts will he leave
He’s all about the rainforest and
You know, save the trees

And he would never leave you coal
Cause that would just be cruel
Unethical indeed to waste
Our precious fossil fuels

But if you’re on the naughty list
Then while you are asleep
He may just fill your stocking with
A big old compost heap

His sleigh runs on electric now
Reindeer resolved of duties
He let them go last year he said
Something ’bout animal cruelty

He didn’t leave them unemployed
Of that you can be sure
He sent them off to Africa
To work in the Peace Corps

His look is pretty much the same
All red and white and kempt
But his suit is not so soft you see
Now it is made of hemp

And atop his head he wears
A bun of snowy white
It seems he’s lost like 20 pounds
He’s given up the pipe

His menu may have slightly changed
So make sure that you see
That you set out some soy milk and
The cookies’ gluten free

Recycled totes that now replace
His old fashioned toy sack
I gotta say I kind of wish
We had the old one back

Cause something’s rubbing me all wrong
When he drives out of sight
Wishing a Merry Christmas to all
And an eco friendly night

Christmas Wrap

I’m the Queen of Queens the Brooklyn Babe
From New York to Seattle
I’ll take the crown I’ll take you down
In any old rap battle

And when fools see me comin’ well
They best be takin’ heed
Nickel and dimin’ for the rhymin’
I’m like Shakespeare on speed

There’s a kind of rappin’s got me down
It’s like a cold ass diss
That’s the kind of wrappin that is happ’nin
With those Christmas gifts

I’m foschizzle with the scissors
I’m a master with the tape
But it ain’t my fault the Barbie box
Has such a weird ass shape

One time I wrapped a Christmas gift
That was made for my mom
The FBI was at my house
They thought it was a bomb

I come to Christmas parties and
My gifts I don’t dare label
I be bookin’ when they’re not lookin’
And I shove em neath the table

And beneath your tree you’ll clearly see
My Christmas aberration
Like a little lad with really bad
Hand eye coordination

I don’t care the paper’s cut up so
It’s too big or too small
The wrap is crap they’re lucky that
They got a gift at all

If Santa Was Jewish

If Santa was Jewish
When he came to call
You’d serve Manischevitz
And some matzah balls

He’d ride in a Caddy
From New York to Tuscon
And give the kids toys
He’d buy with a coupon

And carry them all
In his oversized sack
That read Minka’s Deli
Then say “Oy, my back”

He’d place the toys down
By the fireplace floor
And turn with a moron
And walk out the door

Because Jewish Santa
Just doesn’t do chimneys
But mutters about them
Being too flimsy

“To reindeer he’d call out
On Moshe, on Schlomy
On Dovid, on Avi
On Ruth, on Naomi

To the top of the porch
Come on you old herd
We may make it back
For the end of Goldbergs”

Then he’d drive off munching
A bagel and schmear
And say “Oy, I’m glad that’s done
Until next year.”

The Gift of the Moron

Twas Christmas Eve The Dillingham’s
Did desperately endeavor
To buy each other gifts with naught
Two dimes to rub together

Della sat there pondering
Then suddenly she knew
To buy her man a Christmas gift
Just what she had to do

Her lovely hair she had to sell
And wear it short and plain
And in return for his fine watch
She would purchase a chain

So Christmas Day did come around
And so proud of her thrift
She did present her husband with
His valuable gift

But upon his unwrapping she thought
“What the bloody hell?”
His face did not light up so much
In fact it plainly fell

He said “Della it’s wonderful
But I’ve a sad confession
The watch to which this chain may suit’s
No longer my possession

I sold it in town yesterday
I’m sorry but it’s true
But with the best intentions of
Buying this gift for you”

And so produced a hand wrapped gift
And gave it to his wife
It was a flowered china dish
That read on it “Thug Life”

The inspiration for this poem was a prompt from Stephanie aka Little Miss Menopause at Once Upon Your Prime. She gave it to me some time ago but I wasn’t quite able to make it work until I saw this…ahem…unique holiday gift suggestion.

The Day After

When Shirley from accounting shows up
Looking quite a wreck
A scarf that covers telltale hickeys
Up and down her neck

And Peter from the mailroom runs off
Without saying hi
And you see that he barely can
Look Shirley in the eye

And workers check their emails and
Without missing a beat
Come to the one that Jackson sent
And quickly hit delete

The humor lost in the fluorescent
Cold reality
A faxed and emailed image no one
Really needs to see

When Kevin sniffles as he packs
His personal effects
Desperate to muster dignity
As he clears out his desk

When Connie from HR looks green
But says she’s doing fine
She runs to vomit in the restroom
For the seventh time

The boss comes from his office with
A look to scare the dead
His hands upon his hips and he
Just slowly shakes his head

And without a word he turns
Around and walks away
But I guess his black eye is saying
All he needs to say

When gazes dare not leave the ground
And vibes are most peculiar
Silence or awkward conversation
Round the water cooler

And it looks as if this week will be
Exceptionally gnarly
It must be the first Monday back
After the holiday party

Say Cheese

Shall we wear ugly Christmas sweaters
Red and white with pants of green
Or perhaps a winter snow globe
Featuring a Star Wars theme

Pose around the fire with
Our twenty lovely cats
Go into a jacuzzi all
Decked out in Santa hats

Act like we’re on a holiday
Vacation in Tahiti
So grandma can show off that she
Can still rock a bikini

Simulate the manger scene
Wear Christmas underwear
Pose the kids with peace signs as
They pull each other’s hair

Or dress up like a seasonal
Version of Game of Thrones
Or maybe all ironically
Look into our iPhones

Perhaps we’ll make a pyramid
As if we are the tree
But whatever we decide
I’m sure we all agree

And hope this card brings joy and cheer
To everyone it blesses
Too bad our friends all moved and left
No forwarding addresses.