Ides and The Beanstalk

A mountain farmer was poor Ides
To the market he went
To sell a magic cow he had
So he could pay the rent

Ides met a Rastafarian
Who said, “Mon what you need
Is just to go sell me your cow
For these here magic seeds.”

And so Ides came home with the seeds
Which his wife promptly threw
Into the soil mutt’ring “Why’d
I ever marry you?”

But the next day the two awoke
And up into the sky
Grew there a skunky leafy plant
Twas really really high

And every day Ides would climb up
With a cold can of suds
And bring down to his wife each night
Some potent stinky buds

One day as Ides was hanging there
He met a giant fellow
Who said he smelled an Englishman
Which harshed Ides’ righteous mellow

He feed and fied and foed and fummed
And took a mighty sniff
Which knocked poor Ides right off his feet
Right as he toked a spliff

And though I saw the sad sight not
I hear the story goes
The giant just inhaled poor Ides
He went straight up his nose.

His widow she did dedicate
Unto his memory
Her own quite groovy Ides Bergen
Weed Dispensary

And she got filthy stinkin rich
But she never forgot
Her dear departed husband see
She missed him quite a lot

But one day when the spring it sprung
A pollenated breeze
Brought her dear Ides right back to her
After a real loud sneeze

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This is my second submission in the Five Day Photo Challenge, though maybe not the most timely submission. The photo above inspired the post but I feel as if I would be remiss if I didn’t also include these fine photos that proceeded that one. No, you’re welcome.

 

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That Baby

Oh that baby, she threw a fit
Can’t say how long it lasted
She cried and weeped then fell asleep
Inside that red straw basket

We’re so glad she’s down for the count
But now there’s a new quandary
Wond’ring how ever we will endeavor
To finish up the laundry!

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This post is in response to the 5 Day Photo Challenge. I was nominated by Rob at The V-Pub. I can’t guarantee that I’ll make it through all five days of the challenge but I saw this picture and it was quite inspirational for obvious reasons. I’m supposed to pass on the torch but not sure if anyone wants the honor of being nominated. If you do, let me know and I will update.

Fits In The Fitting Room

I wander through the clothing store
My arms about to bust
Under the weight of what must be
Some twenty items plus

But nought did I anticipate
My now impending doom
In the form of the awaiting
Communal dressing room

A remote possibility
I never entertained
Lest I would have worn underwear
That wasn’t torn and stained

Amongst the half dressed bodies there
I walk with agile stealth
What else to do for sure these clothes
Ain’t gonna try themselves

My first victim I do select
But I can not conceive
Of how my arm came through the neck
Or my head through the sleeve

I hear the suppressed giggles and
The confused looking frowns
As I try to correct my wrong
The dress now upside down

But I hold fast my dignity
In the face of the others
And then dismiss that dress because
It just wasn’t my color

The next in my selection is
A lovely sunny gown
I pull o’er my head to find
It goes not up nor down

Blinded now I struggle in a
Fashion most demeaning
As round the dressing room I go
I flail around careening

One arm contorts this way and that
I long to find the zip
Until at last I hear the sound
The seams loudly go rip

A great relief as from the dress
I’m finally unfettered
Easily it’s off my head
Now isn’t that much better?

For really whats a dress to do
I’m better off it seems
To look for something more useful
Like this nice pair of jeans

Stretchy skinny ankles tight
It seems that I am daring
To wear the latest styles which
Now all of the kids are wearing

They fit quite nicely it does seem
And look good from all angles
But when I go to take them off
They won’t budge from my ankles

I pull until they’re inside out
To no avail I see
I ask the girl there to my left
If she can set me free

Before I know it it does seem
That there is a whole fleet
Of women trying to remove
These damn things from my feet

They pull me off the dressing bench
And drag me cross the floor
I fear I’ll be stuck in these jeans
For forevermore

And begin to wonder if
Insurance would approve
The cost to have these freakin’ things
Surgically removed

But clearly larger issues loom
Away my helpers swarm
Prompted by incessant rings
Of the fire alarm

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Beth

Some couple’s meet on stormy streets
In shared cabs business meeting
A common friend, or enemy
A smold’ring look once fleeting

I met my lover years ago
The details are so gory
And tried and true I say to you
Of the whole ugly story

As I sat over by the bar
I stared into my wine
About to take my sad self home
It’s just about that time

But as I scanned the crowd that night
My gaze would become prone
To a table set for two
A girl sat all alone

Her eyes they darted nervously
From her watch to the mirror
As I studied her movements and
Her story became clearer

It saw she was anticipating
What would be her fate
There was no mistaking it
She would meet her blind date

A tap came on my shoulder and
He was just my type
So tall and dark and handsome too
And I thought ‘Mama likes’.

And he was just so innocent
He asked if I was Beth
It didn’t take me long to think
My eager answer ‘Yes!”

The most magical night we had
And now it does appear
That that magic has lasted on
For the past three years

Though sometimes I am wracked with guilt
And sleep fitfully
I tell myself it’s karma’s way
And surely meant to be

Just yesterday he bought a ring
Asked for my hand in marriage
I wear it in good faith and hope
That he will not disparage

In his opinion of me for
I’ve no choice to confess
That I am just a desperate girl
And my name is not Beth.

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Karaoke King

He rises every day at 6
Carefully laid out clothes
A suit a tie an office life
The man that no one knows

That lurks behind his 9 to 5
That the night time will bring
Dons wig and platforms to become
The Karaoke King

Starts out with I Love Rock N Roll
And in full swing non stop
By 10 the mike is in his mouth
Bustin’ out Iggy Pop

One night while karaokeing
He sees a sight confounding
As in the front row seated now
Is Janet from accounting

He knows not how she arrived there
It would be just his luck
Perhaps she will not recognize
Him in his Kiss a makeup

But he knows the show must go on
No option of him leaving
And shocked when she joins him on stage
To sing Don’t Stop Believin

Then Hey Ya, Rollin In the Deep
Rehab, Fight for Your Rights
And Janet’s back on stage for a
Duet of Summer Nights

It’s rockin well past midnight and
He’s never more alive
He’s not afraid, Not petrified
That’s right he will survive!

Last call he’s bringing the house down
Seguewaying perfectly
Into We Are The Champions from
Bohemian Rhapsody

And with a medal round his chest
He boogies his way home
But slight concern the truth came out
He fears his cover blown

But next day at the office Janet
Looks him in the eye
And discreetly she removes
The glitter from his tie.

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The Princess and The Witch in happier times...just seconds before the house

The Prequel

In a land where chocolate grows
Right off of the trees
There is a girl with honey hair
That grows down to her knees

And though I haven’t met her yet
They talk about her oft
The azure eyed girl wonder known as
The Great Warm and Soft

Who nought complains or misbehaves
Or has farts that are smelly
It’s said great things will happen if
You touch her silky belly

An evil witch looked down on her
And from her lair she cried
For she was wicked so to her
Sweet belly was denied

And so she schemed and plotted how
She’d leave her evil loft
And get her hands on the princess
Called The Great Warm and Soft

She hired flying monkeys blasted
Heavy metal music
And went down to the fairy lands
A-flying on her broomstick

And when the guards did spy her there
They went in to attack
But Princess came to rescue her
And ordered them ‘Stand back’

It may have been the Princess blessed
With her pure heart of gold
Or she felt bad because the witch
Was really really old

But either way forward she stepped
Divinity inspired
And offered to the cruel witch that
Of which she most desired

And you ask what did happen then?
The Princess’s people say
That the witch’s small cold heart
Grew 3 sizes that day

And people celebrated this
And stocks and bonds did swell
And global warming was no more
And unemployment fell

And if the two were BFFs
We never did find out
As villagers too late did warn
“Watch out for that house!!”

Happy Birthday to My Little Anjelicat!

The Princess and The Witch in happier times...just seconds before the house

The Princess and The Witch in happier times…just seconds before the house

What Really Happened That Day

To those who read this morning’s blog
Sorry I did not say
All the sordid details of
What did happen that day

As not all was revealed for sure
I think you’ll see the cause
The hidden details when I met
Li’l Miss Menopause

Just sitting in a Starbucks chatting
With the coffee’s steam
My decaf turned a cappu-frappe
Latte with whipped cream

And though she drove a blue Mazda
It was incontrovertible
Her vehicle morphed into a
Thunderbird Convertible

And pretty soon we drove on by
The wrong side of the law
In fact it’s possible we robbed
A small convenience store

The pigs were soon hot on our tail
But we were mean and reckless
Driving through the 50 states
But avoiding Texas

Murder, intrigue all to which
We may or not admit
A dubious encounter with
A very young Brad Pitt

But after driving miles it
Looked like we’d have to stop
The law was heavy on our trail
We faced a huge road block

But I tell you we bloggers are
Much smarter than you think
She fixed me with a knowing nod
And then a small sly wink

A jump on the gas pedal then
And holding hands we kissed
And before you know it we
Had drove right off a cliff

As for those fans of cliffhangers
They’ll believe what they will
But trust me when I tell you this
We are driving still.

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