Skeletons In My Closet

I think your honor once you have
Reviewed the evidence
You’ll clearly see that what I did
Was more than self defense

I ordered her a pizza special
Toppings meant to please
The little brat just sat and sobbed
And said ‘ I don’t like cheese!’

She nearly broke the Xbox ‘fore
Defiantly deciding we
Should buy a new controller that’s
More suited to her liking

Nothing made her happy
She cried she moaned she grieved
But when I said it’s time to go
She didn’t want to leave

I called her mom and asked when she
Was coming to retrieve her
But she ignored my texts I guess
She didn’t want her either

And with my options very slim
I thought wise to deposit
Her in the dank and cobwebbed depths
Of my dark storage closet

She needn’t had to feel alone
I’m pretty sure she knew
The others that were stored in there
Like Mary, Beth and Sue

Amongst those who had misbehaved
When they had come to play
Thought they’d have fun it seemed the cops
Did not see it this way

So sentence me an unfit host
For these friends of my daughter
Clearly I’m in need of help
And a restraining order

Slap on the cuffs my guilty plea
Resigns me to my fate
But I’d choose to rot in prison than
To face one more playdate

This is a mainly true account of what happened to me this weekend.

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Do It With Cheese

There really ain’t no other way I like to grill it
When I got some frozen patties in my skillet
I’m down to eat a salad or scarf up grease
But there’s just one way to serve it that’s gonna please
I don’t care if it’s in slices or an easy squeeze just do it
But do it with cheese!

Now you might say you’re lactose intolerant
But I say just suck it up or go get bent
Cause if your tummy hurts then I say oh please
Go wash it down with Tums or some antifreeze
This is how we roll and if you want a piece then do it
But do it with cheese!

When they see me coming they don’t need to guess
If I want cheese with that cause the answer is yes
I need the gooey stuff and that’s for sure
I don’t care if it’s costin’ me 50 cents more

Cheese is the stuff of life and you can’t refute
If you think you’re gaining weight then stop eating fruit
Cause life it too short to sweat the calories
So you best start clogging up all those arteries
Live fast and die of cardiovascular disease just do it
But do it with cheese!

Please enjoy song lyrics and video footage from our gig on Saturday night. I know it’s very dark but hopefully you get the idea! And you can like us on Facebook at this link:https://www.facebook.com/TheCheesebergens/?ref=aymt_homepage_panel

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Fifteen

Fifteen pairs of underwear
Left on the bedroom floor
Fourteen items I forgot
To pick up from the store

Thirteen times reminding you
About tomorrow’s plans
Twelve frenzied calls from freeways cause
I don’t know where I am

Eleven times of coming home
From a day from hell
Ten TV dinners eaten that
Did not heat up too well

Nine times I asked “the garbage out?”
You claimed you didn’t hear
Eight peanut butter Oreos
That somehow disappeared

Seven days complaining that
I’ve got nothing to wear
Six drains that need plumbing since
They’re clogged up with my hair

Five neighbors pissed because we are
Rehearsing on their heads
Don’t forget the four in-laws
I think that’s enough said

About three dumpsters worth of junk
That have since accrued
The two monkeys that lie around
And eat up all our food

And then one other sleepless night
Spent listening to you snore
But I love you darling
So here’s to 15 more

For my husband on our Anniversary!

Inspired with the help of Dina over at Wine and Cheese Doodles and her post 15 to Life.

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All That I Am Taking

Leaving for a week or so
My fave vacation spot
This time I promised to myself
I wouldn’t pack a lot

A toothbrush and a change of clothes
Nothing too backbreaking
Some lip gloss and some underwear
That’s all that I am taking

And that’s it now I guess I am
All set for my departure
Perhaps I’ll bring my laptop don’t
Forget it’s case and charger

Some bandaids and some aspirin too
If feet or head start aching
That’s absolutely positively
All that I am taking

But what if my clothes wrinkle due
To how they have been stored?
I better take my iron and
So hence my ironing board

Some sunscreen, moisturizer just
In case my skin is flaking
That does it! I swear that this will
Be all that I am taking

But food can be expensive so
It’s pretty wise I pack
A few bottles of water and
About a dozen snacks

And maybe too some pots and pans
For frying and some baking
I double pinkie promise you
That’s all that I am taking

But time wore on and my resolve
Was weakening with doubt
My mind obsessed with what to take
And what I should leave out

My bunny slippers, magazines
Some mouthwash and a flask
Dog food, rollers, panty hose
A scuba diving mask

I worried, fretting, stuffed and zipped
Til early morning light
And by that time I realized I
Had somehow missed my flight

A bit of a take off on my last blog and further inspired by a blogversation I had with wonderful blogger and friend Joanne Sisco.

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Memories Of A Not So Free Festival

She set off to Coachella with
Some flowers in her hair
And 30 pairs of jean shorts in
The 3 days each she’d wear

To cavort with the great unwashed
In land of milk and honey
Who also bought their passes with
Their daddy’s hard earned money

And much more to buy water, henna
Tattoos for her body
Seeks fleeting glimpses at romance
Inside a porta potty

Her iPhone at the ready cause
Her trip ain’t worth a damn
If she can’t post up selfies of it
On to Instagram

She’s pissed because she lost her favorite
Pair of black sunglasses
Distracted to the point she may have
Ate the yellow acid

And in harsh light of Monday to
Suburban home she’s crawling
Sure she’s summoned to a higher
Spiritual calling

And so it goes, I would say
A good 6, 7 days
What here to now on shall be known
As her Moonbeam phase

When asked about the music clear
She barely understands
Furrows her pretty brow and asks
“You mean, there were bands?”

Inspired by the Coachella festival which took place in California’s Coachella Valley the past two weekends. This is not meant to typify everybody that goes to these things.

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The Appointment

Every day he tells her that
He’s come in for his meeting
He’s lucky if he gets a scowl or
If at all a greeting
He knows his place, a chair that neither
Rests his back or feet
If asked what it was made of he
Would prob’ly guess concrete
Her coffee is a blackened brew
That frankly tastes like crap
And if he begs a cup it likely’d
End up in his lap
Her phone’s lit up with callers who
Have long since been condemned
To hear the same 2 bars of muzak
For hours on end
He knows the office drill if someone’s
Knocking at the door
She grunts at him to answer she
Just got a manicure
And after waiting hours and
The day turns into evening
She tells him that the boss stepped out
Though no one saw him leaving
He’ll go back to his dungeon sure
To return the next day
And hopes she’ll be attired in
Her leather bustier.
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Pretty Clothes

 

I’ve been floating in 1975
Between Mick Jagger and Stayin’ Alive
Cause that old Beatles haircut just would not do
Said Johnny Rotten so I died it blue

With old bell bottoms from my mom
Put on my shades and I’m Elton John
With platform shoes so fine and showy
I must be Prince or David Bowie

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Verse 2:

I’m feeling a little bit down these days
I dress like John Lennon in his heroin phase
My sister’s dressed up just like dead great eccentrics
Somewhere between Joplin and Hendrix

My mother she laughs at my short little skirts
And wonders why I rip all my tee shirts
Searching the wardrobe for that perfect blouse
And if I don’t find it well I don’t leave the house

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Verse 3:

On a shopping spree of the Lower East Side
I pack all my bags as I swallow my pride
I’ll haggle I’ll bargain I’ll buy it by mail
Just blindfold and guide me to a sign that says sale

Lookin’ all over for my pretty stuff
And no matter how much its never enough
Cause I’m lookin so fine from my head to my toes
I never have money but I always have clothes

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Chorus

Go go boots seersucker suits
Consult my wardrobe dye my roots
Bell bottom blues front page news
Psycho psychedelic hues
Color me silver color me gold
But never mess my pretty clothes

I’ve been a bit braindead this weekend so decided to post lyrics from a song from my old band Sisters Grimm.