It’s A Dirty Job

“Hello this is Marissa and
I thank you very much
For making it your choice today
To call on Hits R Us

Now that things are in our hands
There’s no need to be nervous
And let me please assure you we’ve
Top quality in service

So tell me is it an in law
Who’s testing your endurance
A spouse who wore his welcome and
Has some good life insurance

A teacher with a failing grade
They’re ready to bestow
A rich aunt on her last legs who’s
Just refusing to go

We at Hits do understand
These instances are stressful
But you’re in luck you called today
Since we’re running a special

So please let all your good friends know
And tell your family
That if they act by Sunday then
It’s buy one get one free

But before we do move on
To ways and means and actions
You get your pick from our array
Of lovely skilled assassins

Perhaps you’d like the Panther or
Possibly Big Mike
The Chef, Karate Killer or
Maybe you’ll choose Spike

The Femme Fatale assassin or
The Reaper, the Ice Queen
Or if you’re sparing no expense
We also have Eugene

And now a manner delicate
Of which many are tepid
But please feel free to take your pick
From our creative methods

A gradual poisoning over time
Or you may decide
Upon popular methods that
We’ll just call suicide

Or maybe there’s an accident
And they got in the way
Or you can get Chef’s specialty
Bake them in a souffle

24 hour turnaround
We promise without fail
We can even send a small
Memento in the mail

So make it Hits R Us each time
Your looking for a whack
Satisfaction guaranteed
Or your money back”

What’s A Girl To Do?

I really wish this guy would leave
He’s talking way too loud
Soon I’m thinking that I might
Just go and kick him out

I’m getting sick of hearing him
And looking at his face
He walks around with attitude
You’d think he owns the place

I’m working on a masterpiece
But all I get’s frustration
He keeps asking me questions and
It ruins concentration

A furrowed brow a curled up lip
A glow’ring evil glint
Oblivious it seems that he
Just doesn’t get the hint

And what more am I gonna do
It seems I’m at a loss
In instances like these what is it
you say to your boss?

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Serious Selfies

Oh Gina May Melinda Mark
I say it just ain’t healthy
The lengths to which you seem to go
Just to procure a selfie
A long time you did date dear Todd
Was it two years or three?
Until twas time to give that speech
“It isn’t you but me”
The poor man was a wreck that day
He sobbed and he did cry
He left but as you called him back
Great hope did fill his eyes
But disappointment reigned as you
Did bring up from your purse the
Bane of all existence as
You called out “Breakup Selfie!!”

And then there was the time when you
Thought it would be a thrill
To go out to a nightclub after
Taking funky pills
You called up some old guy you knew
From the wrong part of town
And wouldn’t you just know it as
The deal was going down
You whipped your little camera out
They hit the deck real stealthy
But not quite quick enough as you
Hollered out ” Drug Deal Selfie!”

And then there was the time when your
Poor aunt did pass away
It was a somber mood at the
Funeral home that day
I could not quite believe it but
I’m sure my eyes did see
You leaned upon the wooden box
Her home eternally
And as we heard the somber bells
That rang deep from the belfry
We couldn’t quite ignore the clicks
You screamed “Funeral Selfie!”

Gina I am afraid that you
Should open up your eyes
Or all this selfie taking might
Just lead to your demise
The people you upset out there
Might label you as sick
And feel the need to strangle you
With your own selfie stick
Or maybe a cliffside somewhere
You try to catch the beauty
With your famous iPhone lens
Watch out, first step’s a doozy!

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AC/DC In The BC

Did you tell you mom you thought
Her make up was terrific
Write your boyfriend’s name in hearts
In Roman hieroglyphics

Ask them if they thought it was
A sin against the Torah
If you had strange feelings back in
Sodom and Gomorrah

Draw rainbows with a thin reed pen
‘Til it ran out of ink
Request your tunic belted and
In shades of deepest pink

Did you go down to the beach
Most every single night
Say how your folks don’t get you to
The hip Israelites

Ask why your voice was getting deep
And your chest so hairy
Cause you look more like a Joseph but
Identified as Mary

Think of all the tactful ways
With upmost etiquette
To come out of a closet that’s
Not been invented yet

You curse the weight you had to bear
Because it’s plain to see
Twas no fun being AC/DC
Back In the BC

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Bon Voyage Faux Pas

You said you were leaving
You told me goodbye
We threw a big party
We had a good cry

We talked about texting
The emails we’d type
Facebook and Twitter
Long sessions on Skype

But now you come round
You tell me things changed
A bug in the system
A plan rearranged

A change of location
Some urgent phone calls
And it looks like you’re staying
Around after all

And though I should take this
With thunderous applause
It produces no more
Than a long awkward pause

As I questioned how
I would ever go on
I was quite getting used to
A world with you gone

Now also I wonder
If I would lack tact
If I asked you to give me
My goodbye gifts back

Or asked compensation
For the food and drink
I brought to the party
Or ask what you think

About me attempting
To act on prospects
To apply for your job
Or to ask out your ex

But I guess dearest friend
What I’d most like to know
If there isn’t some other place
You’d like to go

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One Big Butt

His last name was Butt
And he couldn’t deny
There was no remedy
That he wouldn’t try

Although he would tell them
He was no relation
Discredit all claims
Change pronunciation

The end of the day
It was so sad but true
Anybody could see
Mom and dad were Butts too

He’d kill to be any
Like Lipschitz or Weiner
Not so obvious
Though perhaps some obscener

Couldn’t change it around
Or try to be cute
Or say that it’s really
Bott, Bitt, Bett or Bute

Couldn’t trade it at marriage
Couldn’t take it away
So he’d be a Butt
Until his dying day

A burden for life
He was destined to carry
Thank his lucky stars
His first name’s not Harry

My deepest sympathies to anyone with an unfortunate last name.

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I Am The Walrus: Musings Of An Irate Puffin

“Oh walrus you’re a lazy one
Just lying on the beach
Water expelled to excavate
The shellfish from your teeth

Cologne that’s reminiscent of
Some old crustacean musk
Lascivious you tempt your mates
By the size of your tusks

The sounds you make are ungainly
No small feat on your part
To snort and grunt and bellow out
To moan and even fart

And yet no one dare mess with you
You great aquatic hulk
Who’d want to be demolished by
2000 pounds of bulk

But some do look upon your kind
As infinitely wise
Perhaps your unkempt whiskers since
I barely see your eyes

But it does not seems fair to me
That so many pay homage
While all us other creatures here
Do barely get acknowledged

The moose, the sea otter and I
We truly have our doubts
Based on observed behaviors what
The fuss could be about

And yet you end up in the greatest
Literary tomes
Inspired Lewis Carroll to
Write you a little poem

Appeared on Beatles albums and
I bet you think it’s true
That even dear John Lennon would
Have not a thing on you

What do you say oh walrus pray
Please speak up now or never
Just what is it that makes you wise
Respected, thought as clever

Speak up or I’ll add to my list
You’re ignorant and rude!!”
“Snort, I am the walrus!
Goo Goo g’ frickin joob!”

This is my third and final installment of the Quote A Day challenge. Thanks again to Mark Bialczak and Erika Kind  for nominating me.