What Was I Thinking?

Babies they’re a funny lot
And not the most judicious
They stick their feet into their mouths
And think they are delicious

They flail their arms out randomly
And often will dispense
Of gibber gabber I suppose
They think makes perfect sense

If you put them in the bath
Take note of their demeanor
As they splash and soak the floor
And laugh like a hyena

So one day when they fix you with
That toothless crooked grin
Take a silly hat and tie it
Neath their chubby chin

And they won’t even realize
Just how goofy they look
Till years pass and they see their picture
In a photo book

My sister and I circa 1973.

 

Elvis Has Left The Building

The makeup, bras, the lingerie
The Vegas golden age
I wait amongst the wreckage as
I hear them up on stage

Ned did Elvis pretty good
Gyrated every beat
But now I hear he gives out fliers
Down on Freemont St.

First Elvis thin then the Elvis fat
Then Elvis past his prime
Then Ned would leave the building for
What would be the last time

John does a mean Gaga and
He rocks on the piano
If he can hide that manly chin
And his five o clock shadow

Maria’s worried her Britney
Will soon fade from demand
As the pop star grows older
And with her so her fans

She contemplates a nip right there
A tuck here and a lift
To last her through the next five years
She’ll go as Taylor Swift

And Armand blows his afro out
Discreetly snorts a line
It gets harder to party like
It’s 1999

But is it love or money or
The warmth of the stage lights
That keeps the fire burning brightly
Each and every night

Or is it once the clothing’s hung
And wigs back on the shelves
We have to face another day
Of just being ourselves.

This post was inspired by my impending trip to Las Vegas. I won’t be posting for the next week and will do my best to stop in on your blogs while I’m gone.

Death By Chocolate

Sad signs of chocoholism. Note zombie like state, chocolate face smudges.

The year was 2051
Twas ten years to the day
Chocolate was illegalized
In the USA

The government said sadly
That’s how it had to be
Chocoholics roamed around
Causing anarchy

They drifted ‘cross the city streets
In their zombie-like states
Terrifying chocolate smudges
All about their face

And some so crazy with addiction
That they’d even dare
To dive in chocolate fountains down at
Ghiradelli Square

The leader of the chocolate cartel attempting to dive into the chocolate fountain at Ghiradelli Square.

The world’s a safer place for it
But one family does dwell
Apocalyptic underground
A chocolate cartel

A frightening woman runs it
With her satanic plan
Accompanied by henchmen she calls
Shortie and The Man

Which may be evil midgets or
May be her son and daughter
Through the night surveillance as
They guard their precious border

‘The Family’ guards their precious border.

Ships that come in nightly
Out on the streets their crooks
Who give our kids free candy as
They try to get them hooked

So scan your children carefully
And be suspicious lest
You find a wrapper in their drawer
Or chocolate on their breath

If they’re hopping up and down
As if in ecstacy
Or saying “how much for the dark”
Or “got PB & C”

A rather frightening picture of the leader of the cartel hoarding her chocolate stashes.

But look out for this family
We’re out to make a bust
She’s likely armed with truffles
And she’s high dangerous

We sent one of our guys in once
An undercover frame
His death met in a chocolate vat
And never seen again

So beware her security
Her dealers and her users
She’s thick with Willy Wonka’s men
And hangs with Oompah Loompahs

Shortie

Who’ve seen men to an ugly death
So heed for your protection
Those gone from chocolate overdose
Or worse, lethal injection

Or drowned wading in fudgy pools
Who never made it through it
Though I suppose if you must go
That’s one way you could do it.

The Man

Where’s Waldo

This picture’s been long
In my family
How lovely was she
A sailor was he

The picture appeared
To me diff’rently
The day that I noticed
The guy in the tree

Now looking at it,
That’s all I can see

P.S. It just occurs to me that this is an appropriate blog to publish on Memorial Day so a big thank you to all the vets who served our country!

Grandma and Grandpa on their honeymoon circa 1944.

Annoying Ed

Annoying Ed everyone dreads
And practices avoiding
Social interaction cause
He’s just too darn annoying

But I took pity on the guy
Sought opportunity
As I thought ” Oh just really how
annoying could he be?”

We went out to the movies
He talked all the way through
Spoiling the whole plot line
Dont’ ask me how he knew

He had a funny way of kind of
Whistling when he breathed
Then he spent the night extracting
Popcorn from his teeth

Though he was trying on my nerves
I swore we’d hang again
But none too soon when the phone rang
On Sunday 6 AM

He said “Hey, you want to hang out
Maybe shoot the breeze?
I thought that we could go meet up
Down by the Chuck E Cheese.”

And though not quite the manner I would
Choose to spend my day
I felt bad so I found what Ed
Had on his resume

His legs fidgeted up and down
Bit his nails to the quick
He hummed merrily to himself
Hocked loogies up and spit

He laughed too loudly and too long
I thought I’d lose my mind
When he told the hamster story
For the 7th time

Then we went to get some food
The waiter brought my plate
Ed helped himself to a huge bite
Of my chocolate cake

Chewed it with an open mouth
Then came to the assertion
That he just really wasn’t
Much a chocolate person

Smoke it came out from my ears
My eyes were seeing red
I came across the table and
I nearly strangled Ed

I said “I can not take you Ed
I’m afraid we’re through
On account there is no one quite
Annoying as you.”

And into the fresh air I went
Blissfully alone
Although as I walked off I heard
Him talk into his phone

And though I was so filled with rage
And my mind in a blur
Distinctly did he say “Thank God
I’m finally rid of her!”

Ides and The Beanstalk

A mountain farmer was poor Ides
To the market he went
To sell a magic cow he had
So he could pay the rent

Ides met a Rastafarian
Who said, “Mon what you need
Is just to go sell me your cow
For these here magic seeds.”

And so Ides came home with the seeds
Which his wife promptly threw
Into the soil mutt’ring “Why’d
I ever marry you?”

But the next day the two awoke
And up into the sky
Grew there a skunky leafy plant
Twas really really high

And every day Ides would climb up
With a cold can of suds
And bring down to his wife each night
Some potent stinky buds

One day as Ides was hanging there
He met a giant fellow
Who said he smelled an Englishman
Which harshed Ides’ righteous mellow

He feed and fied and foed and fummed
And took a mighty sniff
Which knocked poor Ides right off his feet
Right as he toked a spliff

And though I saw the sad sight not
I hear the story goes
The giant just inhaled poor Ides
He went straight up his nose.

His widow she did dedicate
Unto his memory
Her own quite groovy Ides Bergen
Weed Dispensary

And she got filthy stinkin rich
But she never forgot
Her dear departed husband see
She missed him quite a lot

But one day when the spring it sprung
A pollenated breeze
Brought her dear Ides right back to her
After a real loud sneeze

 

 

 

 

 

 

This is my second submission in the Five Day Photo Challenge, though maybe not the most timely submission. The photo above inspired the post but I feel as if I would be remiss if I didn’t also include these fine photos that proceeded that one. No, you’re welcome.

 

 

That Baby

Oh that baby, she threw a fit
Can’t say how long it lasted
She cried and weeped then fell asleep
Inside that red straw basket

We’re so glad she’s down for the count
But now there’s a new quandary
Wond’ring how ever we will endeavor
To finish up the laundry!

This post is in response to the 5 Day Photo Challenge. I was nominated by Rob at The V-Pub. I can’t guarantee that I’ll make it through all five days of the challenge but I saw this picture and it was quite inspirational for obvious reasons. I’m supposed to pass on the torch but not sure if anyone wants the honor of being nominated. If you do, let me know and I will update.

Fits In The Fitting Room

I wander through the clothing store
My arms about to bust
Under the weight of what must be
Some twenty items plus

But nought did I anticipate
My now impending doom
In the form of the awaiting
Communal dressing room

A remote possibility
I never entertained
Lest I would have worn underwear
That wasn’t torn and stained

Amongst the half dressed bodies there
I walk with agile stealth
What else to do for sure these clothes
Ain’t gonna try themselves

My first victim I do select
But I can not conceive
Of how my arm came through the neck
Or my head through the sleeve

I hear the suppressed giggles and
The confused looking frowns
As I try to correct my wrong
The dress now upside down

But I hold fast my dignity
In the face of the others
And then dismiss that dress because
It just wasn’t my color

The next in my selection is
A lovely sunny gown
I pull o’er my head to find
It goes not up nor down

Blinded now I struggle in a
Fashion most demeaning
As round the dressing room I go
I flail around careening

One arm contorts this way and that
I long to find the zip
Until at last I hear the sound
The seams loudly go rip

A great relief as from the dress
I’m finally unfettered
Easily it’s off my head
Now isn’t that much better?

For really whats a dress to do
I’m better off it seems
To look for something more useful
Like this nice pair of jeans

Stretchy skinny ankles tight
It seems that I am daring
To wear the latest styles which
Now all of the kids are wearing

They fit quite nicely it does seem
And look good from all angles
But when I go to take them off
They won’t budge from my ankles

I pull until they’re inside out
To no avail I see
I ask the girl there to my left
If she can set me free

Before I know it it does seem
That there is a whole fleet
Of women trying to remove
These damn things from my feet

They pull me off the dressing bench
And drag me cross the floor
I fear I’ll be stuck in these jeans
For forevermore

And begin to wonder if
Insurance would approve
The cost to have these freakin’ things
Surgically removed

But clearly larger issues loom
Away my helpers swarm
Prompted by incessant rings
Of the fire alarm

Beth

Some couple’s meet on stormy streets
In shared cabs business meeting
A common friend, or enemy
A smold’ring look once fleeting

I met my lover years ago
The details are so gory
And tried and true I say to you
Of the whole ugly story

As I sat over by the bar
I stared into my wine
About to take my sad self home
It’s just about that time

But as I scanned the crowd that night
My gaze would become prone
To a table set for two
A girl sat all alone

Her eyes they darted nervously
From her watch to the mirror
As I studied her movements and
Her story became clearer

It saw she was anticipating
What would be her fate
There was no mistaking it
She would meet her blind date

A tap came on my shoulder and
He was just my type
So tall and dark and handsome too
And I thought ‘Mama likes’.

And he was just so innocent
He asked if I was Beth
It didn’t take me long to think
My eager answer ‘Yes!”

The most magical night we had
And now it does appear
That that magic has lasted on
For the past three years

Though sometimes I am wracked with guilt
And sleep fitfully
I tell myself it’s karma’s way
And surely meant to be

Just yesterday he bought a ring
Asked for my hand in marriage
I wear it in good faith and hope
That he will not disparage

In his opinion of me for
I’ve no choice to confess
That I am just a desperate girl
And my name is not Beth.

Karaoke King

He rises every day at 6
Carefully laid out clothes
A suit a tie an office life
The man that no one knows

That lurks behind his 9 to 5
That the night time will bring
Dons wig and platforms to become
The Karaoke King

Starts out with I Love Rock N Roll
And in full swing non stop
By 10 the mike is in his mouth
Bustin’ out Iggy Pop

One night while karaokeing
He sees a sight confounding
As in the front row seated now
Is Janet from accounting

He knows not how she arrived there
It would be just his luck
Perhaps she will not recognize
Him in his Kiss a makeup

But he knows the show must go on
No option of him leaving
And shocked when she joins him on stage
To sing Don’t Stop Believin

Then Hey Ya, Rollin In the Deep
Rehab, Fight for Your Rights
And Janet’s back on stage for a
Duet of Summer Nights

It’s rockin well past midnight and
He’s never more alive
He’s not afraid, Not petrified
That’s right he will survive!

Last call he’s bringing the house down
Seguewaying perfectly
Into We Are The Champions from
Bohemian Rhapsody

And with a medal round his chest
He boogies his way home
But slight concern the truth came out
He fears his cover blown

But next day at the office Janet
Looks him in the eye
And discreetly she removes
The glitter from his tie.