Tips For Cyberstalking Your Ex-Boyfriend

Your mother might not know a zip disk from a memory stick, but there is one part of technology she most certainly is familiar with and that is cyberstalking. Not only might your mother want to cyber stalk you, but after all those years married to your dad, cyber stalking her ex-boyfriends is probably one of her favorite past times. Based on all my years of experience, I have done woman kind a great favor by compiling these words of wisdom for cyberstalking ex-girlfriends everywhere.

A great cyber-stalker is an outside the box thinker: Don’t be discouraged when a Google or Facebook search does not yield results. Think friends, family, work connections, web sites, pass words, band mates. Come on ladies, he’s out there somewhere!

Get Reacquainted: Now that you have found your ex, you want to know, is he bald, has he gained weight, did he finally get a good job or is he still the loser you dated, did he in fact leave the country like he told you he did, and, most importantly, is he in a relationship.

Keep Your Enemies Close: If he is not in a relationship, you might as well stop stalking now and revisit in a couple of months. However, if he is an a relationship, the search has just begun. It is now up to you to find out if SHE is attractive, if SHE is fat, if SHE has a good job, and most importantly, what she has on her that you don’t got on you. Think of how much closer to closure you will be after spending hours trying to figure out why SHE made him happy when you couldn’t.

Do Not Contact Him: I know in this cyber world, where contact is just a click away, it may be irresistible to go ahead and contact your ex. I strongly recommend you do not do this. It will not end well. As a matter of fact, you should really write a letter to yourself that says’

Dear Self,

No matter how drunk and desperate you are, do not contact (ex-boyfriend you are currently cyberstalking).

And hang it in front of your computer.

But If You Must: If you know yourself too well and feel that a mere piece of paper will be no deterrent for you, it is important that in these moments of drunken desperation, you sound neither drunk nor desperate. Here is what you SHOULD NOT be writing:

Dear (Ex-Boyfriend I am Currently Cyberstalking):

Why did you tell me you moved out of the country leaving me here to die alone? What did I ever do to you? I thought your parents said we made a cute couple.

The object is to make him feel you are a mature adult who has moved on. I would try something more along these lines:

Dear (Ex-Boyfriend I am Currently Cyberstalking):

Long time no speak! You look great! The receding hair line really becomes you!

I see you are in a relationship now. Good for you! She looks like a really nice person. You two seem like you really enjoy a good meal.

As for me, you will be pleased to know that I am now a successful (highly exaggerated job position here.) I also have a very cool blog.

By the way be sure to say hello to your brother for me. You do know I slept with him right?

 

images-1

Advertisements