Mentioning the Unmentionables

Ones that button ones with fur
Ones with room for him and her
Lacey, leather, sexy, black
Ones that whale tail up your back

Ones all torn and ripped and stained
Ones embroidered with your name
Boy shorts, low rise, a fig leaf
Or just your boyfriend’s boxer briefs

Ones that zip so they’re accessible
Ones that are completely edible
From erotic catalogues
Or even a pair for your dogs

One with little pockets sewn
A perfect place to hold your phone
Christmas ones with bright lights blinking
Wonder what the hell you’re thinking

Stringy ones just barely there
Ones like your granny would wear
Ones with faces on each cheek
One for each day of the week

On cold days best to make em thermal
Pack it in a modern girdle
And god forbid if there’s a scene
Take mom’s advice make sure they’re clean

Written courtesy of the prompt and not so gentle prodding of Stephanie at Once Upon Your Prime. Love you Stephanie, thanks!

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Emoticonfrontation

No one can be sure what went down
With Betty on that day
Did the change on Facebook make her
Fall as easy prey

Did she not pay attention to
The update rather sudden
So mindlessly went down her wall
A-clicking her like button

So what she’d end up doing some
Would think it rather bad
She liked that Annie had no friends
She rather should click sad

And then that post of Donald Trump
Well don’t ask me but frankly
She pressed her like button again
You’d think she would click angry!

And that post ’bout the guinea pig
Who was hit by the car
You think it was an accident
That she clicked on ha, ha?

Then she was angry little Tommy
Learned to ride a bike
Cousin Sheryl lost her eyeliner
And Betty clicked on like!

And sad when in the piles of snow
Eddie found a daisy
And laughed at Martin’s rotten fruit
I fear she’s going crazy!!

And soon there’s people piling up
That Betty did offend
And with no choice they found that button
And hit on unfriend

And no one even chanced to think
That she had made a blooper
But banned her off of Facebook and
They took ‘way her computer

And now we’ll see if Betty is
Still having any fun
As she rocks on her front porch
A-holding her shotgun.

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The Where Hair Cut

I thought I’d get a haircut
Just like a fresh new start
Start out the spring with a bold look
That’s really clean and smart

Get rid of all the dead ends
Give life to what just hangs
With choppy sexy layers while
I’m growing out the bangs

She worked on me with scissors
A half hour or more
And when I left a whole wig’s worth
Did cover up the floor

I felt so light I felt so free
Which would be quite a bonus
If there was just one soul around
Who actually noticed

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Hypnoswitch

Chewing on my fingernails
I could not quite resist
So I decided I’d seek help
From a hypnotist

How she seemed to do it I
Will never know for sure
But my fingernails don’t look
So yummy anymore

Guess I should be happy that
I’m now free of that bane
‘Cept I quack just like a duck
Every time it rains

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The Stuff of Life

I’d like to fiercely look at kids
Outside my bedroom window
And, who cares if I won or not?
I’ll randomly yell “Bingo!”

My face will be carefully set
In an unpleasant frown
Draw one eyebrow that’s going up
The other going down

Pack my purse with hard candies
Of all sorts til it’s leaden
Enough to certify it as
A well known lethal weapon

Put on some eau du Bengay just
To mask that mothball smell
Ask “what was that?” although I can
Hear you perfectly well

Hold up people needlessly
At grocery store lines
Drive slowly while my blinker light
Is going at all times

Remember everything but still
Demand that you remind me
And don’t you dare to tell me that
My best years are behind me

This poem is in response to Amanda at Just In Queso to write a prompt to your future self. Here’s her take on it: https://justinqueso.wordpress.com/2016/02/09/letter-to-future-me/

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The Plights of The Maverick

I thought that I’d be different
I thought that I’d be cool
I hated my plain old brown hair
I thought I’d dye it blue

Then Jenna dyed her hair blue
So’d Laurie and Christine
So I thought I would stand out
And I dyed my hair green

Then Norman came in one day
He also had green locks
So then I went for a neon pink
With red and yellow spots

And so I was quite happy
Until that fateful night
When Kim showed up with orange hair
With purple zebra stripes

And so I went for charcoal
And then amber and puce
Azure, mauve, maroon with streaks
Of lemon at the roots

Cinnabar and citron
Who knew from who or where
They got a color called ecru
But it was in my hair

And when it was all over
On verge of a breakdown
I was transfixed, the colors mixed
To nought by mousy brown

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Hand Me Downs

Look not on me with envy cause
You just don’t really know
Why my dresser drawers and closet
Hangers overflow

It’s not a sign of privilege or
A status which to tout
But just a Jewish mother who
Can’t seem to throw things out

“Your brother’s neon sweatshirt with
The green and orange hood
Ach, you’re throwing this thing out?
It looks perfectly good!

Your sister’s old designer jeans
You really should be thankful
‘Stead of kvetching just because
They come above the ankle”

But she knows not the comments and
The disapproving stares
The kids all wearing the skinny jeans
While I’m stuck with old flares

“Hey, nice freakin’ hole you’ve got!”
“Come one kid, where’s the flood?”
“Oh god is that a prairie skirt
You’re wearing with those Uggs?”

“Oh my gosh! Wedge sneakers with
A pink paisley design?
Oh wow, I haven’t seen those things
Since, like, 2009!”

And so with no alternative
I must accept my fate
To walk around in hand me downs
And wear these clothes I hate

And suffer the sweet irony
It might all be worthwhile
If only they still fit me when
They come back into style.

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The Understudy

I was the understudy so
Assigned to study under
And chomping at the bit I wait
In hopes to steal her thunder

For if something should come up, you know
Just by happenstance
I’m sure that I could be a star
If just given the chance

The stairs she descends every night
They’re awfully steep and narrow
So a wet floor, a little shove
As I wait in the shadows

And so while she recuperates
I earn my due respect
But nare did I anticipate
That she would break her neck

But all was good, my career rose
To heights quite monumental
And so sad that our star was lost
Her death ruled accidental

Now I’m an actress of some note
Oh the sweet irony
To have my agents, and someone
Who understudies me

Yet there’s something quite haunting that
I see within her stare
A certain kind of hunger sure
I know it from somewhere

A vague something or other that
I just can’t seem to place
But makes me choose the elevators
Over the staircase

Until that day I hear the news
That someone gave a tip
About that fateful day there was
That accidental slip

And so at the rehearsal I
Am waiting in the wing
Policeman asks would I come down
For some questioning

And before I know it they
Have locked me in a cell
As for my understudy, yes,
I hear she’s doing well.

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Strange Bedfellows

You must look out for Cupid and
Make sure you’re aware of
What he may do on the 14th
When we’re looking for love

He’s not exactly evil maybe
Just a little twisted
I hear he’s got his arrows and
He’s looking to make mischief

This year he’s on the warpath or
At least that’s what I heard
So beware all you sluts cause you
Might end up with a nerd

And all the goody two shoes might
Wind up with those who sin
I hear he’s pairing meat eaters
With vegetarians!

Republicans with Democrats
And if that doesn’t vex
He’s also putting Star Wars fans
With those who like Star Trek

The young ones with the old ones and
The skinnies with the fats
He’s even getting dog people
With partners that love cats

Leos with Aquarius
And if that’s not a shock
I hear there’s rappers hooking up
With people who like rock!

So look out for the 15th’s awkward
Breakfast conversation
That Cupid can do funny things
And so can desperation

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The Man Flu

My husband has a cold
You all know how that goes
He might just sneeze himself to death
Die of a stuffy nose

My husband has a cold
He feels a little hot
He might be taken by a chill
Or drown in phlegm and snot

My husband has a cold
We ask you that you mind
Our family’s grief and privacy
During this trying time

And saying please sit tight
To all friend’s and relations
Or visit our Crowdfunding Page
To make a nice donation

Because he’s been through tissues
Bout three of four feet deep
Along with all the chicken soup
And Nyquil isn’t cheap

My husband has a cold
I hear it is the worst
He says a cough might take him out
But I might get him first.

Inspired by my friend Rob at The V-Pub who knows The Man Flu all too well.

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