Dedicated To The Chocolate Cake Served At My Husband’s Holiday Party

Oh, chocolate cake served at my husband’s holiday party
Served 10:30 at night
You’re tall dark gooey layers
They done me wrong they done me right

I sunk my fork into you
Both twice my size and girth, It
kept me up the entirety of the night…
Totally worth it!

I just want to add a personal message to my readers. If you read my last post you know that I thought that might be my last post of 2013. However I just couldn’t resist adding this timely and festive little ditty. You will just have to think of me like Ozzy Osbourne who had his ‘No More Tours’ tour in 1993 and then his Ozzmosis (Retirement sucks) tour in 1995, or Kiss who planned to do their final tour in (can you believe it?) the year 2000.

Have a happy!

Auld Lang Syne

A week or so ago, I wrote a blog complaining about how few people were reading my blog. Since this drop off began around Thanksgiving, I, of course wondered if this was due to the holiday season, but, since people are now so well connected, media-wise, I really wasn’t sure.

Yesterday, I was reading a blog by Rarasaur¬†which confirmed this suspicion. Not only did she comment on how blogging and readership slowed down during the holiday season, but she went on to say that some bloggers do not blog at all, and I am seriously considering following that path because, well, you don’t just get all this for nothing.

Although I started blogging in June, 2013 will mark the end of my first year as a blogger and as I look back on the year, I feel a bit sentimental (cue piano). When I began blogging, I did so because I felt it would be a therapeutic outlet for myself and if I reached out to one or two people, so much the better. What I didn’t expect was to meet a whole community of bloggers that I would begin to feel a part of. These are people who I wake up to every day and their blogs crowd my inbox with little wisdoms that feel like emails from a friend (but not quite because, you know, I’m just not that crazy yet), and they have become supportive and colorful characters that are a part of my virtual life. Their blogs have touched me, made me laugh and cry, they have taught me and inspired me, and more than anything else, they have given me something to do when I’m bored at work.

My original intention was to mention some of the bloggers who I feel deserve honorable mentions because of their blogs and their support, along with adorable personalized messages, but then I began over thinking the politics of who to mention and who would feel left out, so I decided not to go that route. I am hoping that those people know who they are.

There is however, one blogger I would like to mention; one blogger who has always been there for me, alway inspires me, always likes my blogs no matter how stupid they are and, without whom, I probably wouldn’t blog at all. After all, what is a rock n’ roll super mom without a Hvymtldad?

Rock n’ Roll Supermom – out. Have a great holiday season and I’ll see you in 2014!

Holiday Party Blues

As a teenager and young adult, I always loved going to parties. But ever since children came in to the picture, the amount of party invitations I received have been rapidly declining. That’s why I was thrilled when my husband told me that my presence was required at his company office party. And this one could actually be fun being that my husband does not work for a stuffy law firm, but rather one of the biggest music rehearsal studios in the world, catering to a clientele of unbelievably famous rock and pop stars. While I’m sure none of the clients will be at the party, at least it will be somewhat of a rock n’ roll crowd.

However, since I have not been to a party in a while, my husband and I had to have a long talk about what is considered proper party etiquette for a person my age and I’m not so sure I am looking forward to the party any more.

My husband has specifically told me I am forbidden from:
1)Telling all his colleagues that I am not his wife but in fact a prostitute he paid to escort him to the party and then passing around my ‘business cards’ to some of his coworkers
2) Asking the boss’ wife if she can refer me to a good plastic surgeon
3) Asking May from accounting how far along she is (May is not pregnant)
4) Taking my husband’s boss aside and asking him to give my husband a raise while showing him pictures of our poor children
5)Taking my husband’s boss aside and asking him if it would be possible to introduce me to Mick Jagger, what Mick Jagger is really like and whether he thinks we would hit it off
6) If I must sing karaoke, I am strictly forbidden from doing my best bump and grind while performing an embarrassingly erotic version of “Santa Baby” ( and by the way, all dancing on the bar is, well, off the table)
7)The wearing of lampshades and togas is strictly prohibited
8) And absolutely, positively, under no circumstances, am I to fax a picture of my breasts to corporate.

Party, schmarty, I think I’ll just stay home!!

A Holiday Shopper’s Guide to The Universe

For the one or two of you who have been following my blog, you’ve probably ascertained some of my personality traits. For instance, you probably know that I love rock music… as long as it was written before 1985, and that I love children…. as long as they’re not somebody else’s. Well here’s another little fun fact. In taking advantage of my God given right as a female, I also love shopping.

Now before you conjure disappointing visions of me, my arms loaded up with shopping bags, piles of shoe boxes obscuring my vision as I blindly grope for the mall exit, get your mind out of the gutter. Rather I am the most vicious, merciless, and yet economical shopper of all… the bargain shopper. Ruthlessly, I frequent thrift shops, outlet stores, and bargain bins seeking the most designer-ish thing, in the smallest size, at the lowest price. Normally, I would take this opportunity to expand on my shopping experiences and philosophies, but I can’t think of anything that hasn’t already been said by Macklemore and Ryan Lewis.

Unfortunately, for me, I now face the most cruel time of year, the holidays. Most of the items that I actually want are unavailable, and the few that are, are priced at astronomical levels with no sign of seeing a drop until January. Also, the stores are crowded. That’s right, weekend warrior types emerge from every bridge, tunnel and ghetto, descending, not just on shopping malls, but on my hole-in the-wall best kept secrets.

It is times like these when I call upon all hardcore shoppers…”Know Thy Enemy!!” In this trying time, there are a few people out to make your shopping experience a potential disaster. But not if you’re prepared to look out for these shopping pariahs and know what to do when you are forced to deal with them.

The Pusher

So you are dealing with a crowded rack of clothing, but you have just muscled out a spot for yourself where you can maneuver your clothing a couple of inches across the rack for, if not optimal viewing pleasure, well at least it’s doable. Then SHE comes along. At the other side of the rack, she also carves out a niche for herself, minimizing your window into non existence.
At this point, you are well within your rights to push back, while even including a scowl or an eye roll. She is the one being inconsiderate and I highly doubt she will resort to a cat fight, tumbling through the narrow racks of retail. After all, you break it, you buy it.

The Overloader

You’re making your way through the racks, perhaps you’ve picked up 2 or 3 garments which may or may not suit your fancy, a very unsatisfying and somewhat disappointing shopping excursion, thus far. Then SHE comes along, her arms laden with more items then one would think humanly possible. Tornado-like, she careens through the aisles leaving strewn clothing, broken hangers and innocent bystanders fallen in her wake. And to make matters worse, she has just dumped her entire pile on the floor to try on a pair of shoes.
It is clear this woman has left all reason and sensibility at the door if she ever had any at all. There is only one course of action to take…RUN AND HIDE FOR GOODNESS SAKE!! There is no reasoning with this woman!¬†Steer clear and be lucky to escape with your life. A closet of unworn clothing, possible injury, and bankruptcy will be her own downfall.

The Giver

You’re innocently minding your own business, enjoying your shopping experience when SHE comes along. Usually an older woman, she holds out the most hideous garment you have ever laid your eyes on, and insists that it is made for you and that you must try it on.
However embarrassing it may be, you have no choice but to carry this garment through the store with you, at least until you reach the dressing room. Believe it or not, if you make it this far, and then run into the woman and are caught sans garment, she probably will not question you, but if she does, an ill fit is always a good excuse and one that can’t be argued with, But if you really want to amuse yourself and cut things off from the get go, you can just tell her that you have one just like it at home.

Good luck, happy holidays, and merry shopping!