The Blushing Bride

The bridesmaids dressed in pink chiffon
The bride saw to it that
The dress designs were such it made
The skinniest look fat

She changed the menu 30 times
And then was heard to scream
How dare they make the salmon grilled
Or the veggies creamed

And cosmeticians were called in
Lest she throw a fit
For under pancake makeup deep
She swore there lurked a zit

The planner in a bathroom stall
Was hovering in fright
Her dear old granny she sent home
For daring to wear white

She picked apart the gifts bestowed
She threw out half the guests
The keyboard player saw her and
He turned around and left

The wedding cake sliced in advance
To keep her from the knife
The minister crouched in the pews
Was praying for his life

Two bridesmaids would hold her veil down
Lest it would become tilted
The zinnias went out the door
Just because one was wilted

And hard to get her to the church
In the limousine
She angrily insisted that
She ordered pink not cream

But despite all the drama they
Would somehow make it through
And so relieved the guests to hear
Her say ‘I fuckin’ do!’

And future brides may think of this
As a tale of caution
This wedding would see friendships lost
As well as a small fortune

And in two years her father would
Manage to pay it off
Which would make it ’bout 18 months
After the divorce.


69 thoughts on “The Blushing Bride

  1. One of my favorite things to do was to go to the local department store and watch the annual bridal gown sale. It was like watching professional wrestling!

  2. Gosh not another bridezilla! I was one of the bridesmaids at a friend’s wedding recently. The nearer the big day came, the more horrifyingly demanding my friend became. Lots of fights. Lots of apology from the groom’s part.

    We all survived. But some ‘distance’ remained. I hope that, over time, hurting words said be forgiven.
    Oh, and they’re still together.

  3. Oh my. I hope this one isn’t written from personal experience of one of your friends or family! Sadly, the term Bridezilla seems to be used quite a bit these days! Love the pic on this one!

    • Thankfully, I haven’t experienced the wrath of a Bridezilla first hand. I did have a cousin who had a huge wedding and then got divorced 6 months later. Not really sure how crazy she got with the planning.

      • Well, am glad it wasn’t you! I didn’t think it could be…you seem way too down to earth to ever get into Bridezilla mode. πŸ™‚

  4. I use to work at a country club,you petty much nailed it,you left nothing out that I can think of though I could tell you a few good stories for the next,how about the time the chef used edible flowers and there was a bug on someone’s plate,I sure I could come up with a few more

  5. Oh, if only this were an exaggeration. Sadly all too true. We got married by a Justice of the Peace who was mowing the lawn when we showed up. Seems he forgot. Also he was a little drunk. He quick went in and changed and swayed through the whole thing. We laugh about it to this day…. It’s about the marriage, not the wedding.

    • That’s a great story! We had a small wedding too..ran off to Vegas and had it in one of those rent-a-churches with about 10 guests. Still married 14 years later. You are so right!

  6. I was going to ask how long this could possibly last! And what person possibly said yes to her or asked her or went through with it….Why….why??? Why???? We ran off to Tennessee! πŸ™‚ No fuss no troubles. Paid them moolah. They took care of it all, we walked in, walked out wed. Walah and done. πŸ™‚

  7. This is GENIUS!! I used to be a wedding planner and this is extra EXTRA true and extra EXTRA funny. I just don’t know how you do this so consistently and prolifically. And make it look easy. Funny story – – an African American bride I worked with insisted the rice that was thrown be brown rice.

  8. I can’t imagine someone not wanting to stay married to such a sweetheart :). I think the worst wedding trend right now is the “spontaneous” ,choreographed dance numbers. Not only does the bridal party have to shell out cash for gowns and tux rentals, they also have to publicly humiliate themselves. It ain’t right!

  9. So much funny here. Love the ending. Love this touch: “The wedding cake sliced in advance
    To keep her from the knife” and “And so relieved the guests to hear / Her say β€˜I fuckin’ do!’”. That’s some wedding.

  10. *shaking head* Yes I did laugh but underneath is truth. Brides turn into monsters (not all!) but the way everyone is so focused on material these days …. need I say more? Great job again, my friend! Really enjoyed. Love, Amy

  11. WOW! That is so funny and SO TRUE! With as many weddings as I’ve photographed over the years, I’ve seen more than my fair share of these brides…. and occasionally their mother! πŸ™‚

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