My Imaginary Friend

I had a best friend helped me out
Of sticky situations
Even though her origin
Was my imagination

At crowded movies if the seat
Right next to me was bare
I’d say “sorry my imaginary
Friend is sitting there”

If conversations were a bore
And went on with out end
I’d be saved by a call from my
Imaginary friend

If I was eating ice cream someone
Thought was meant for two
“I’m sharing with my unseen friend
Who’s come down with the flu”

Some people didn’t like her but
I think they were plain evil
Haters with something against
Imaginary people

So besties we were for some time
Til hit with rotten luck
My imaginary friend was run down
By a big Mack truck

I did my best to save her flattened
There in the concrete
Guess the driver didn’t see her when
She was crossing the street

And now my friend is dead and gone
And my whole world is black
I never could imagine how
I’d try to bring her back

And days go by still don’t know
How I’ll go on without her
For I despise to socialize
Perhaps I just won’t shower.

This post is dedicated to and partially inspired by Bitter Ben and our countless blogversations about imaginary everything.

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Freak Magnet

When walking through a field of grass
Most see a sea of flowers
I see a guy hand down his pants
Who offers golden showers

A simple introduction’s made
I’m holding my hand out
Next thing I know my fingers somehow
End up in their mouth

If I’m the least bit friendly and
I try not to affront
I’ll end up at a seance chanting
Or a zombie hunt

And if a somewhat normal friendship
Seems about to crop
I look upon it skeptically
The other shoe will drop

When it turns out she thinks she’s a cat
Or likes to pick her toes
Or maybe inhales chocolate milk
Directly up her nose

Or she’s about to suck my blood
In the midst of the night
Or she cries every time that Kim
and Kanye have a fight

Tell me do you think it’s me
A smell I am emitting
Some supersonic radar sense
Which I must be transmitting

A gullible expression they take
As an invitation
Or maybe just a general
Air of desperation

Or the way I try to stop from
Stepping on the cracks
When walking down the street with my
Invisible blue cat

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Bon Voyage Faux Pas

You said you were leaving
You told me goodbye
We threw a big party
We had a good cry

We talked about texting
The emails we’d type
Facebook and Twitter
Long sessions on Skype

But now you come round
You tell me things changed
A bug in the system
A plan rearranged

A change of location
Some urgent phone calls
And it looks like you’re staying
Around after all

And though I should take this
With thunderous applause
It produces no more
Than a long awkward pause

As I questioned how
I would ever go on
I was quite getting used to
A world with you gone

Now also I wonder
If I would lack tact
If I asked you to give me
My goodbye gifts back

Or asked compensation
For the food and drink
I brought to the party
Or ask what you think

About me attempting
To act on prospects
To apply for your job
Or to ask out your ex

But I guess dearest friend
What I’d most like to know
If there isn’t some other place
You’d like to go

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Annoying Ed

Annoying Ed everyone dreads
And practices avoiding
Social interaction cause
He’s just too darn annoying

But I took pity on the guy
Sought opportunity
As I thought ” Oh just really how
annoying could he be?”

We went out to the movies
He talked all the way through
Spoiling the whole plot line
Dont’ ask me how he knew

He had a funny way of kind of
Whistling when he breathed
Then he spent the night extracting
Popcorn from his teeth

Though he was trying on my nerves
I swore we’d hang again
But none too soon when the phone rang
On Sunday 6 AM

He said “Hey, you want to hang out
Maybe shoot the breeze?
I thought that we could go meet up
Down by the Chuck E Cheese.”

And though not quite the manner I would
Choose to spend my day
I felt bad so I found what Ed
Had on his resume

His legs fidgeted up and down
Bit his nails to the quick
He hummed merrily to himself
Hocked loogies up and spit

He laughed too loudly and too long
I thought I’d lose my mind
When he told the hamster story
For the 7th time

Then we went to get some food
The waiter brought my plate
Ed helped himself to a huge bite
Of my chocolate cake

Chewed it with an open mouth
Then came to the assertion
That he just really wasn’t
Much a chocolate person

Smoke it came out from my ears
My eyes were seeing red
I came across the table and
I nearly strangled Ed

I said “I can not take you Ed
I’m afraid we’re through
On account there is no one quite
Annoying as you.”

And into the fresh air I went
Blissfully alone
Although as I walked off I heard
Him talk into his phone

And though I was so filled with rage
And my mind in a blur
Distinctly did he say “Thank God
I’m finally rid of her!”

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The Conveniences of Modern Technology

I once knew a blogger
Who lived so far away
When we finally met
We had nothing to say
She set up her computer
And so I set up mine
And then the conversation
Went along just fine

This poem was inspired by an online conversation I had with Stephanie Mark Lewis AKA Little Miss Menopause, just before I finally had the chance to meet her this past weekend. Fortunately, when we met, no computers were needed. Stephanie is just as fun as her blog is.

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I Got Mail

I tell you folks I have to be
The most popular girl
Every day I get emails
From all over the world

Megan writes to say she has
The best thing for my wrinkles
John is urging me to hook up
With hot Christian singles

Ellis wrote to me today
He’s asking what I think
Of the pictures posted there
If I just click that link

As I click it’s quite a scene
That I do behold
I think she’s awfully flexible
And maybe a bit cold.

Don says I should sell my house
Highest prices paid
Harry says I qualify
For financial aid

Megan says I got the job
I don’t think I applied
Lena said she’d like to be
My mail order bride

Then of course there is my friend
Dear old Mr. Bello
I hope his uncle’s health improves
For the sake of the fellow

But of course I’m helping out
Anyway I can
Transferring funds from Africa
To Uzbekistan

But of all these people
He’s the only that writes back
I respond to so many it’s
A bit hard to keep track

But still it is so wonderful
Heart warming and exciting
To know these people care for me
Why else would they be writing?

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The Blushing Bride

The bridesmaids dressed in pink chiffon
The bride saw to it that
The dress designs were such it made
The skinniest look fat

She changed the menu 30 times
And then was heard to scream
How dare they make the salmon grilled
Or the veggies creamed

And cosmeticians were called in
Lest she throw a fit
For under pancake makeup deep
She swore there lurked a zit

The planner in a bathroom stall
Was hovering in fright
Her dear old granny she sent home
For daring to wear white

She picked apart the gifts bestowed
She threw out half the guests
The keyboard player saw her and
He turned around and left

The wedding cake sliced in advance
To keep her from the knife
The minister crouched in the pews
Was praying for his life

Two bridesmaids would hold her veil down
Lest it would become tilted
The zinnias went out the door
Just because one was wilted

And hard to get her to the church
In the limousine
She angrily insisted that
She ordered pink not cream

But despite all the drama they
Would somehow make it through
And so relieved the guests to hear
Her say ‘I fuckin’ do!’

And future brides may think of this
As a tale of caution
This wedding would see friendships lost
As well as a small fortune

And in two years her father would
Manage to pay it off
Which would make it ’bout 18 months
After the divorce.

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The Unforgiven

I tried to forgive them,imgres-3
But couldn’t quite do it,
When recalling the matter,
And what led to it.

The illogical logic,
That brought it to an end,
Made me question wanting,
Their friendship again.

And grudges and notions,
I thought juvenile,
Never quite allowed me,
To reconcile.

Making awkward moments,
As we pass on the stairs,
So haunted are the hallways,
Of the house we share.

There’s another bond broken,
And I guess it’s just tough,
I tried to forgive them,
But not hard enough.

WTF GPS?

“Go left at the next turn,”
My GPS says to me,
But there’s only a right turn to be made,
As far as I can see.

“You stupid electronic box!”
With frustration i am reeling,
Until my GPS replies,
“That really hurt my feelings,
I’m trying to do my best,
When I’m in here you know,
Dealing with these tiny maps,
I can’t even see the road!
Then I have to deal with you,
And listen to you curse,
So I’m just letting you know ,
That that really freakin’ hurts!”

I sit there in stunned silence,
And perhaps I start to gawk,
And inquire of my GPS,
“WTF you talk?”

“Of course I talk you idiot!
Every day and night,
The question Is whether its more evolved,
Than turn left and turn right.
And what do you dumb humans do?
I have to say it’s priceless!
So now I call on equal rights,
For electronic devices.”

And so I had a good thought on this,
And decided the point not trivial,
It’s only right to show GPS respect,
I fancy myself a liberal.

And so we chatted on and on,
And the true reality,
Was my GPS had one hell of a
Terrific personality!

So I could only think to hide my true,
Feelings to my new friend,
And grin and bear it when I found,
Myself at a dead end.

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The F Bomb

Kim, Michelle and me and Stef,
We swore we all were BFFs,
But then Kim got a boyfriend and it seemed for sure,
She didn’t want to be our friend no more.

And then Michelle started hanging out with Jenn,
So we never spoke to her again,
Which left me and good old Steffy,
But then I turned rock and she turned preppy.

And we drifted apart and so much has changed,
As we reunite on a Facebok page,
A cycle that has run complete,
With memories so bittersweet.

But I guess that now we all know best,
And probably should have left off that last F.

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