The Deal Of A Lifetime

Hello I’m Trisha Trashmeister
You’re gonna say ‘no way!’
When I show you the product that
I have for you today

It’s an electric tea pot that
You put upon the shelf
It actually can brew the tea
Up all by itself

It finds the little tea bags with
These cute electric arms
And brews it up quite perfectly
It works just like a charm

And if you set the timer you’ll
Have tea at breakfast time
Call now and it’s a steal for only
$19.99

I guarantee you will find nothing
Like it at the store
So call in the next hour and
What’s that? There’s something more!

For just today a super deal
Be pleasantly surprised
Because for just ten dollars more
This row of chopping knives

I say they are the most amazing
Of your silverware
They purée carrots, lima beans
They’ll even cut your hair

This is for you if you do find
That chopping food’s a chore
You really have to get these knives
But what’s that? Wait! There’s more!

Do you struggle with acne, wrinkles
Bags and sags and spots?
Hate surgery and Restilin
Afraid of Botox shots?

Well look no further cause your skin
Is gonna be just fine
With this amazing product yours
For just 9.99

So for just 40 bucks you’ll get
The teapot and the cream
With the row of chopping knives
No, this is not a dream!

Cause while supplies last you can have
A brand new almanac
My arms and legs and I’ll throw in
The shirt right off my back

And antique silver doodads so
That you can hold your corn
A quilt that my grandmother made
And even my first born

But better call while supplies last
Cause you can never tell
When they’ll come round to put me back
Into my padded cell.

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The Question

I sat there with my mouth agape
A quite confused expression
As I pondered so carefully
The answer to her question

I then reviewed a mental list
I made of facts and figures
Variables weighed carefully
All factors were considered

And meantime night turned into day
And day turned into night
The guards did change, I dozed a bit
No answer was in sight

And horns did blare and cars lined up
And filled the narrow aisle
Til it was said headlights were seen
There stretching out for miles

But I let not external sounds
To dare to cloud my vision
Or lest they think their lowbred ways
Should hasten my decision

Which had me weighing ounces that
Came to the closest measure
Health, nutrition and of course
My own personal pleasure

And dollars, pennies were compared
With calories and fat
As she repeated “Ma’am, I said
Would you like fries with that?”

This was actually inspired by the article 40 Really Awful Writing Prompts The No Writer Should Use. I’m still trying to do one about the aardvark that’s possessed by the devil.

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Yard Sale Bully

On early weekend mornings she comes searching around town
But perhaps you knew that when you laid your blanket down
On high alert she smells and seeks and swoops down without fail
On her unwitting prey those choosing to have a yard sale

She may intimidate you as she eyes your table mats
And tells you grandma’s antique tea set really ain’t all that
Calls it an imitation says the quality’s just schlock
And that she bought a nicer one for 3 bucks down the block

Or she might work your sympathy as she moves for the kill
And offer you a crumpled up and taped one dollar bill
Would you be so kind to take it for that old crock pot?
Unfortunately it seems that dollar bill is all she’s got

And then she asks for you to throw in more random detritus
A mirror, an unopened tube of cream to sooth arthritis
And a box of crackers that it seems you never ate
Some pool toys that you never even bothered to inflate

And before you know it she goes limping down the lawn
With your finest jewelry, comic books and your first born
In fact it seems this woman fought and bargained pretty hard
When she asked if yard sale meant you were selling your yard

You don’t know whether you should be more outraged or inspired
As it comes to dawn on you exactly what transpired
She takes her new acquired goods, yours from days of yon
And spreads them out on what now does appear to be her lawn
Horrified you see she takes the contents of your closet
And quickly sells them off at considerable profit

I’ve been wanting to write a poem about a yard sale for quite some time but don’t think this would have seen the light of day without inspiration from the lovely Stephanie at Once Upon Your Prime. Thanks to a woman who knows what having a yard sale is really all about.

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The Blushing Bride

The bridesmaids dressed in pink chiffon
The bride saw to it that
The dress designs were such it made
The skinniest look fat

She changed the menu 30 times
And then was heard to scream
How dare they make the salmon grilled
Or the veggies creamed

And cosmeticians were called in
Lest she throw a fit
For under pancake makeup deep
She swore there lurked a zit

The planner in a bathroom stall
Was hovering in fright
Her dear old granny she sent home
For daring to wear white

She picked apart the gifts bestowed
She threw out half the guests
The keyboard player saw her and
He turned around and left

The wedding cake sliced in advance
To keep her from the knife
The minister crouched in the pews
Was praying for his life

Two bridesmaids would hold her veil down
Lest it would become tilted
The zinnias went out the door
Just because one was wilted

And hard to get her to the church
In the limousine
She angrily insisted that
She ordered pink not cream

But despite all the drama they
Would somehow make it through
And so relieved the guests to hear
Her say ‘I fuckin’ do!’

And future brides may think of this
As a tale of caution
This wedding would see friendships lost
As well as a small fortune

And in two years her father would
Manage to pay it off
Which would make it ’bout 18 months
After the divorce.

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A Reality Star’s Circle of Life

I appeared on that Bachelor show
I signed with blood not ink
They didn’t pay a wooden cent
But plied me with much drink

I did things so embarrassing
I stripped and scratched and cried
I made up painful tales of when
My salamander died

I pulled out a contestant’s weave
We wrestled to the ground
As private parts were peeking out
From our sequined gowns

Looking back I’m so ashamed
I’d say that wasn’t me
But images they are preserved
Forever on TV

Perhaps I’d say I was possessed
Or maybe I was cursed
Whatever it was that I did
I guess the rest were worse

For when the season finaled
I found that I was chose
Over all the other girls
I got the final rose

Though I should be elated that
I was the bachelor’s pick
I’ve only come to realize
This guy’s a total dick

And it’s not like he looks at me
As if I am a keeper
In fact he makes it very clear
He doesn’t like me either

But still the checks come rolling in
Media pays to see
Us showing up contingent that
I’m in his company

So we will appear happily
And I’ll try not to bitch
As cable channels consider
And mull over our pitch

And when they finally pick it up
All to be in due course
Viewers can tune in to see
The Whole Ugly Divorce.

*Inspired by Rachel Dratch’s The Dratchelor-SML

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