Name’s Howie Quark water park cop
Shame so few feel the beauty
Of what it takes oiling the brakes
As I report to duty
My job’s not for the weak of heart
But for more rugged sorts
And tows the line sharp as the crease
In my Bermuda shorts
For if you’re in my line of work
You must be strong and brave
To battle what lies neath the depths
That lurk at Wally Waves
Like yesterday we had a near
Fatal emergency
What we here in the biz might call
A class 21c
A large man gets caught in the tube
I say that is some issue
I do not break but calmly call
“We’re gonna need the Crisco”
And no guests reel upon the rides
Reeking of gin and scotch
No one vomits on the Tiki
Tundra On my watch
And no sweat breaks out on my brow
Nor do I lose my cool
As children wash up on the shores
Of Wanda Wink’s wave pool
I fish out Little Timmy’s arm from
The drain in the showers
I see it’s about so much more
Than the 12 bucks an hour
For as we mop rank puddles up
And as the last guest leaves
The manager near meets my eye
And tells me “Nice job Steve”
I wipe a final bit of snot
From ‘neath the Splashy Slide
And sprinkle in the water one more
Drop of cyanide
Inspired by my weekend trip to Great Wolf’s Lodge (a water park resort).
Glorious Results Of A Misspent Youth 
Sounds like you had a great weekend trip.
Ha, ha! Yes, all a mother could ever ask for!
Poor Little Timmy. He’s always losing that arm, isn’t he? LOL! ๐
Yeah, really! I keep telling that kid not to bring his toys into the shower!
Oooh… sounds very cool ๐ That must have been an awesome trip, Marissa!
Ha, ha! Yes for sure!
Wow! My kids would have loved it too! They are crazy for such parks!
My daughter had fun.
I have no doubt! Hope your son too!
My son had fun but he’s getting a little older so he was ‘over it’ a lot sooner than she was.
Ah, I see ๐
Was wondering where you were yesterday, missed your Monday post… But this explains and makes up! Thanks for the laughs! Loved the Crisco bit!!
Yeah, I was actually chasing this poem all weekend but it was kind of hard to put the words together with all that splashing. I needed a day of quiet to compose. Thanks for noticing!
Of course! ๐
Wally Waves! I knew him well.
Yes, I heard you guys were drinking buddies…you know, before the accident…
Awfully cruel of his parents to give him the middle name ‘Micro’…turned him to drink that did!
I heard it gave him quite the Napoleon complex as well.
That was very brave of you! Did you do the giant slide where you get a water enema at the end?
Oh goodness Joanne! You really do know how to go there!! Ha, ha! Well, let’s just say that I every time I got out of the water after one of those things, I had to make sure my bikini bottoms were coming with me.
It’s actually fun to just sit and watch people. The young guys in their baggy shorts are the funniest ๐
yeah, and let’s not even talk about the old guys in the Speed-os!
{choke} I probably shouldn’t have been eating when I read this comment
Sorry…
Better you than me
The time we tried to do one of those parks
I nearly died from all the chlorine in the water
Never again
Yes, I saw a lot of signs about prolonged exposure to chlorine. I guess lucky for me I spent more time out of the water than in it.
I would demand a lot more than $12 an hour for that job! ๐
Oh yes, and I put that in there on purpose. A lot of these low level jobs are surprisingly difficult and, slightly off topic, the hardest job I ever had was working at a Burger King…well for me anyway.
You’re right! I worked in a seafood restaurant and came home smelling like battered fish every night.
Working with food is tough. I will never do it again.
At what age does a good soaking lose its allure?
I’m not sure but I can’t wait to find out. Honestly, my son was already a bit over it. He’s 13.
Ahhh. The ‘joys’ of a water park!! (although I am secretly very jealous that you have the weather for such adventures! )
Well, the truth is, this water park happened to be indoors and the springtime here is actually the coldest time of the year. Feel better? Ha, ha!
This poem really made a splash
Ha, thanks Tosha!
You’re welcome xo
I so love the names of the attractions! Oh this brings back the water park memories with my son. I miss it in a way, but I don’t really want to climb up one of those giant slides again ๐
Oh yes, we must have made 10 pilgrimages of five flights of stairs. Day 2 and stick a fork in us…we’re fermented!
I love this character. Like so many of your characters, he is a hoot. And I am impressed that you could rhyme “issue” with “Crisco”. It looks like you’re a real smarty. You’ve graduated rhyming class magna cum laudy.
Oh boy! Do I get to do the whole gown and cap thing? How about prom? Cause, you know, they never really wanted me at prom.
Nothing like a good soaking and sliding. And people watching. But the last time I went I had so much fun with my nephews who did NOT see me as old. But saw me as fun. Worth the exhaustion. ๐
Oh no! Do you think they saw me as old? I mean the kid that I cut in front of on the water slide? Or when I splashed into the wave pool??
You? Old? No way. If my nephews didn’t see ME as old then aint no one gonna see you as old. ๐
Thanks Colleen! But really, after a half hour, I’m gonna need to sit down! Ha,ha!
That’s all right….so do they. ๐
Thank you for sharing a day in the life of Howie Quark. I do not envy him at all..lol
Yes, I can see why that might be the case. Sadly, this was actually based on a young man I saw a lot if this weekend.
Well, I hope he at least has some good benefits.
Sadly, I doubt it, but let’s just say he does.
We’ll do that then.
Another fun poem, Marissa. Well done. I used to work at an amusement park a looooong time ago. I think minimum wage was 4-something an hour back then. Cleaning up blue-snow-cone-puke on Rock, Spin, and Turn… boy, those were the days. ๐
Yes, a lot of these minimum wage jobs are the hardest ones to perform!
At $12 an hour, yeah, he is going to have to use that cyanide really sparingly. ๐๐
He could always write it off as a business expense.
True. Our, he could slowly collect it by extracting it from apple seeds… not that I know anything about that.
Fun poem. Reminds me of a couple who run a toy shop in the next town to us. Great toy shop but they look like the most miserable people on earth, and if you don’t pick it up from their expressions and body language, they will let you know haha.
That’s pretty funny! I would say they are in the wrong business for sure. I worked at a Toys R Us for a while when i was a teenager. The job had it’s ups and downs but it was actually pretty fun to work with toys, I have to say.
Yeah, I’d have thought it fun too working in a toy shop- especially if you own it! If you had to match shop keepers to shop based on the vibe you got, I’d guess this couple run a mortuary!
Ha! That would probably be me too!
If I had to do all of that for $12/hour I’d be adding a lot more than one drop of cyanide a night haha.
I have no doubt Blair! ha, ha!
A water park! Never been to one here in the US but always wanted to. Looks like you had a blast! Yeah, I wonder if any posters say you must be this wide to get in – and out!!!
There were some raft ones that held 4 and 5 people and it had a weight limit of 700 lbs. It must be uncomfortable for the people that work there when there are parties that get on that look like they might challenge that limit. I wonder if that happens often…
I looked it up online and it looks really fun!!! The cabins look interesting too – They have themed rooms. And it’s in SoCal too. It’s full of fun activities for all! Soo tempted to book one now!
Yeah, it was pretty fun and I like it that everything was kind of self contained. It does get crowded on weekends which really just kind of sucked because the slides that were more like rides had long lines. There were still wave pools and little water parks to play in though.
Oh and no sun, no burning!
Yes, that too…and no worries that it would be too cold…because it was a bit cool for water park weather that weekend.
Sounds perfect! A bit pricey, that’s where the hesitation comes in ๐
Every year we take her to Legoland and stay overnight so this was actually about $200 cheaper when you consider the added price of the hotel. Also, there was a special for 20% off when I booked for the grand opening and I didn’t get the themed rooms. If it wasn’t a special occasion, I probably wouldn’t have gone for it.
Oh wow. Nice job, Marissa! Hope she enjoyed it as much!
My son and husband said they preferred Legoland because it is a bigger park and also has amusement rides. I don’t know if my daughter much cared but I think they kind of influenced her by the end. I kind of liked the hotel. Cheaper and lower maintenance. Anyway, she wants to go back to Legoland next year…if she doesn’t outgrow it by then!
The hotel appeals to me more. But I think we may have to start going to Legoland too soon. My daughter loves Lego, too.
Legoland is actually pretty fun as amusement parks go.
NIcely done. Your trip to the water park appears to be a success since you found no vomit on the rides and Timmy’s decapiatated arm.
Well Timmy’s decapitated arm may or may not have made the whole trip worthwhile. The jury is still out on that.
LOL
LOL I love water slides and thank goodness for men like this guy. But poor Timmy! Did you have to cut off his arm? Poor little kid! Why did you go pick on Timmy, Marissa?
Sorry, it wasn’t really Timmy in particular you know. He was kind of a symbol for kids that get their arms caught in the showers drains everywhere! But just between you and I, Timmy does always tend to take his small toys and candy in there!
Then his mommy needs to make sure Timmy has no toys or candy when he goes swimming. That’s only an accident waiting to happen. ๐ฆ
Yes, really…no matter how hard he cries!!
You really are a supermom if you did this on Mother’s Day weekend! Wally Waves!
Oh yeah, my daughter was born the day before Mother’s Day and for her birthday every year she likes to go to a water park. I’ve spent the last 3 or 4 Mother’s Days at water parks! One day it will be the spa…Thanks for recognizing!
Chlorine and screaming kids doesn’t count as a spa experience? ๐
A LITTLE POWER…STILL GETS BLOWN OUT OF PROPORTION!
Yes, for sure. I was thinking along the lines of Paul Blart!
Reblogged this on By the Mighty Mumford and commented:
RENT-A-COPS…THINK THEY ARE THE REAL THING (EXCEPT ME—I FOUND OUT DIFFERENT!)
how fun! hopefully you and your family are wart free. That’s all I can think of, of water parks- warts
Yes, who knows what lurks in those waters. Warts, disease, diseased warts…
Chuck some more chlorine in there, that’ll fix em
Oh, this was wicked awesome!
That last line? Sums up my feelings about GWL. It’s been a few years, but the sting remains ๐
Thanks Michelle! So you’ve actually been? They just opened one in SoCal so this was my first time.
Oh yes….twice. I’m such a quiet person–it was the onslaught of noise and slight smell of urine that kinda turned me off.
That said, who doesn’t love watching their kiddos splash around. That’s the part I miss.
Oh yeah, we were dragging my daughter out at the end of it all. Well worth it!
Have you ever seen the movie The Way Way Back? It could have been inspired by this poem.
I didn’t. I remember it being out and it looked like it was good. Maybe one for the Netflix queue.
It’s worth a watch. Steve Carell and Alison Janney are in it. It’s a little slow but I really liked it.
This was hilarious, your comments were additionally so funny. I like going with my oldest daughter, where I “take” Micah and he doesn’t like climbing any stairs so we hang out in the baby pool where there are slides and little umbrellas, children splashing and I can sit and smile at him. We also wander over to the Pirate Ship, it is out in the middle of the water, I lift him up onto the ropes and he climbs about five rungs and runs around. He is 7 and very lazy, Marissa. It is an easy “gig” and I usually eat more than exercise! ๐
I apologize Marissa. Your gang of friends are all here, except little old me! I am not sure how I missed this pleasure ride, water soaking park poem, but I did! It may have been like this:
Monday, I wanted to watch “Bates Motel.” Tuesday, I watch both episodes NCIS (including New Orleans!), especially since Michael Weatherly is leaving and Scott Bakula from Quantum Leap is still available, I think. Wednesday, I watched the funny comedies, like The Middle whose parents had trackers on the kids and spied on them. . . television caught my attention and my eyes got glued and I missed all of my blogging friends, too. ๐ฆ
Sorry to have let you down, Marissa. love you, hope you aren’t too mad?!
Oh no, of course not Robin. I think we all miss blogs once in a while! Sometimes I open one and don’t have time to read it and then I never come back since it looks like it’s been read!!
Anyway, glad you have fun and an easy time at the water parks with some of the grands. Sounds like the wave pool might have been perfect for him!
Looks like you had a splashing time ๐๐
Well, the kids did anyway!
That sounds like fun! (For the kids ๐ )
Yes, at least they had fun, ha, ha!