Going Coastal

Name’s Howie Quark water park cop
Shame so few feel the beauty
Of what it takes oiling the brakes
As I report to duty

My job’s not for the weak of heart
But for more rugged sorts
And tows the line sharp as the crease
In my Bermuda shorts

For if you’re in my line of work
You must be strong and brave
To battle what lies neath the depths
That lurk at Wally Waves

Like yesterday we had a near
Fatal emergency
What we here in the biz might call
A class 21c

A large man gets caught in the tube
I say that is some issue
I do not break but calmly call
“We’re gonna need the Crisco”

And no guests reel upon the rides
Reeking of gin and scotch
No one vomits on the Tiki
Tundra On my watch

And no sweat breaks out on my brow
Nor do I lose my cool
As children wash up on the shores
Of Wanda Wink’s wave pool

I fish out Little Timmy’s arm from
The drain in the showers
I see it’s about so much more
Than the 12 bucks an hour

For as we mop rank puddles up
And as the last guest leaves
The manager near meets my eye
And tells me “Nice job Steve”

I wipe a final bit of snot
From ‘neath the Splashy Slide
And sprinkle in the water one more
Drop of cyanide

Inspired by my weekend trip to Great Wolf’s Lodge (a water park resort).


103 thoughts on “Going Coastal

  1. Ahhh. The ‘joys’ of a water park!! (although I am secretly very jealous that you have the weather for such adventures! )

  2. I so love the names of the attractions! Oh this brings back the water park memories with my son. I miss it in a way, but I don’t really want to climb up one of those giant slides again πŸ˜€

  3. I love this character. Like so many of your characters, he is a hoot. And I am impressed that you could rhyme “issue” with “Crisco”. It looks like you’re a real smarty. You’ve graduated rhyming class magna cum laudy.

  4. Nothing like a good soaking and sliding. And people watching. But the last time I went I had so much fun with my nephews who did NOT see me as old. But saw me as fun. Worth the exhaustion. πŸ™‚

  5. Another fun poem, Marissa. Well done. I used to work at an amusement park a looooong time ago. I think minimum wage was 4-something an hour back then. Cleaning up blue-snow-cone-puke on Rock, Spin, and Turn… boy, those were the days. πŸ™‚

  6. Fun poem. Reminds me of a couple who run a toy shop in the next town to us. Great toy shop but they look like the most miserable people on earth, and if you don’t pick it up from their expressions and body language, they will let you know haha.

  7. A water park! Never been to one here in the US but always wanted to. Looks like you had a blast! Yeah, I wonder if any posters say you must be this wide to get in – and out!!!

    • There were some raft ones that held 4 and 5 people and it had a weight limit of 700 lbs. It must be uncomfortable for the people that work there when there are parties that get on that look like they might challenge that limit. I wonder if that happens often…

      • I looked it up online and it looks really fun!!! The cabins look interesting too – They have themed rooms. And it’s in SoCal too. It’s full of fun activities for all! Soo tempted to book one now!

      • Yeah, it was pretty fun and I like it that everything was kind of self contained. It does get crowded on weekends which really just kind of sucked because the slides that were more like rides had long lines. There were still wave pools and little water parks to play in though.

      • Every year we take her to Legoland and stay overnight so this was actually about $200 cheaper when you consider the added price of the hotel. Also, there was a special for 20% off when I booked for the grand opening and I didn’t get the themed rooms. If it wasn’t a special occasion, I probably wouldn’t have gone for it.

      • My son and husband said they preferred Legoland because it is a bigger park and also has amusement rides. I don’t know if my daughter much cared but I think they kind of influenced her by the end. I kind of liked the hotel. Cheaper and lower maintenance. Anyway, she wants to go back to Legoland next year…if she doesn’t outgrow it by then!

    • Oh yeah, my daughter was born the day before Mother’s Day and for her birthday every year she likes to go to a water park. I’ve spent the last 3 or 4 Mother’s Days at water parks! One day it will be the spa…Thanks for recognizing!

  8. how fun! hopefully you and your family are wart free. That’s all I can think of, of water parks- warts

  9. This was hilarious, your comments were additionally so funny. I like going with my oldest daughter, where I “take” Micah and he doesn’t like climbing any stairs so we hang out in the baby pool where there are slides and little umbrellas, children splashing and I can sit and smile at him. We also wander over to the Pirate Ship, it is out in the middle of the water, I lift him up onto the ropes and he climbs about five rungs and runs around. He is 7 and very lazy, Marissa. It is an easy “gig” and I usually eat more than exercise! πŸ™‚
    I apologize Marissa. Your gang of friends are all here, except little old me! I am not sure how I missed this pleasure ride, water soaking park poem, but I did! It may have been like this:
    Monday, I wanted to watch “Bates Motel.” Tuesday, I watch both episodes NCIS (including New Orleans!), especially since Michael Weatherly is leaving and Scott Bakula from Quantum Leap is still available, I think. Wednesday, I watched the funny comedies, like The Middle whose parents had trackers on the kids and spied on them. . . television caught my attention and my eyes got glued and I missed all of my blogging friends, too. 😦
    Sorry to have let you down, Marissa. love you, hope you aren’t too mad?!

    • Oh no, of course not Robin. I think we all miss blogs once in a while! Sometimes I open one and don’t have time to read it and then I never come back since it looks like it’s been read!!
      Anyway, glad you have fun and an easy time at the water parks with some of the grands. Sounds like the wave pool might have been perfect for him!

The Blood Trail Starts Here...

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s