As the gathering commences,
I prepare myself to brace,
Myself for backwards compliments,
Smile plastered on my face.
As we sit down to the table,
Tension to cut with a knife,
While discreetly rolling our eyes,
At Uncle Ned’s new teen wife.
I can see my bored young cousins,
Don’t look like they’re having fun,
And ignore my mothers gestures,
At the work Aunt Jane had done.
Apple pie like a lead balloon,
The wine is less than stellar,
The turkey’s looking undercooked,
Can you say ‘salmonella’?
My brother’s bragging that he’s rich,
But we all know he’s lying,
Then someone mutters “Oh shut up!”
And the parsnips go flying.
Next turkey legs are being thrown,
Mashed potatoes hit the floor,
The homeless guy we invited,
Makes a mad dash for the door.
I scurry under furniture,
I see from my advantage,
Apple pie lobbed off the terrace,
Which does serious damage.
But somehow we are brought to peace,
Could be grandpa’s insistence,
Or maybe we’re just out of food,
Or hear sirens in the distance.
And all apologies are made,
And my family comes through,
Although Aunt Zelda wanders off,
Vaguely threatening to sue.
So when Thanksgiving rolls around,
I’m sure you will all agree,
You can be thankful that you’re not,
Spending the day with me.
so sweet and lovely words
Hope you are being sarcastic!
had such a laugh reading this one 🙂
Glad to put a smile on your face!
Yeah, a family reunion can be a tough task… Very funny 🙂
It certainly can! Thanks Joan!
‘Far out’ as the young John Denver might have said on the subject of ‘flying parsnips’ – regardless I want to be your Uncle Ned!
Yes, I was kind of picturing you for that one. And a Thanksgiving toast to John Denver (likely with the caramel apple juice I got for the kids!!)
Let ‘Far Out’ be the new ‘Great Post’!
Hap-py Holidays! Hope you get a little more flexibility having moved to California–or maybe your family is there, too. Anyway the food fight sounds cathartic.
Actually my family gathering is a lot smaller than the somewhat fictional one portrayed here, in part due to the move. However, it is known to be no less dramatic, unfortunately.
And here I thought you were spying on our clan! Hope your Thanksgiving is happier than the one depicted here! 🙂
I hope so too. As said in above comment, it is not as large a gathering, but it can still be nearly as dramatic. Years of experience has made it less so.
😆 Okay now I know what I will be thankful for this Thanksgiving day. Thanks for my dose of medicine for today, Marissa. Laughter is always the best med. And I truly hope your Thanksgiving is ‘peaceful’.
Glad I could give you something to laugh about. Same to you Elizabeth!
http://thewolfhowlsatnight.wordpress.com/2014/11/25/change-has-come/
When I was the innocent age of 9…. I told my rich uncle’s new bride that I liked her a lot because she was the closest to my age.
It went over well!!
Too funny! Yes, I would imagine it did go over well!
Turkey posts all week?
No, sorry Phil. I did consider the turkey challenge for the month of November but only got this one out. I was contemplating one from the POV of a turkey who’s has no idea where all his friends are disappearing to, but I just thought the vegan community would misread it. I do have one semi festive planned for Friday though.
Yes, I think I will be thankful this week that I’m NOT at your table! I do extend an invite to you to join my table though if you’d like to escape….worse thing at mine will most likely be the fact that we’re buried in boxes!
sorry….not worse…worst!
Thank you. It may just be worth the plane trip. If you ever find yourself at mine, may I advise a rain slicker worn over a bullet proof vest as suitable holiday attire.
So noted.
Great one! Love the “Ned’s teen wife” bit, ha ha!
Thanks Marie! And when will we be seeing more on the Wild Surmise front. Been missing your rockin anecdotes!
Family gatherings are a recipe for some very interesting blogs.. I just hope they never figure it out or I might stop getting invited.
Yes, one if the many dangers of having your blogs read by friends and family!
I was wondering if either Aunt Jane or Aunt Zelda was Uncle Ned’s ex-wife. If so, I can understand the food fight. Depending on how long ago this was, is Uncle Ned’s teenage wife now in her mid-thirties with the 2.3 kids that is the average American family? Are they divorced by now and the alimony taking all his cash. So he has nothing to contribute to the meal. He’s thinking probably, “This is the first decent meal I’ve had in months.”
I think I’ll have to remember all that and save it for next year when I publish Pt. 2!
Poor Uncle Ned. He just couldn’t win.
Hey, who told you to write about my family? 😉
I thought I had your permission!!! Lol
LOL!
Ah…..ALWAYS . We can ALWAYS find something to be thankful for!!!! 😉
Yes, very true!
Just now had time to read this and I am laughing. Thank YOU for this Gift of Laughter you have given me. Masterfully written, Marissa. Just perfect!!! Love, Amy
Glad I could bring you some joy. I know it hasn’t been easy.
(((HUGS)))
I Love you. 😄
In the immortal words of Han Solo…”I know.” LOL!
I’ve never been subject to the drama of large family gatherings … I just get to sit back to hear about the challenges that others have. I hope your Thanksgiving falls considerably short of this disaster!
Thanks Joan! Happy Thanksgiving to you too!
There’s always drama in family gatherings. So far, we’re still invited to every one. But who knows for how long this goes on? Thankful we always like to keep an open mind and closed ears! Hear no evil!
An early Happy Thanksgiving to you!
Right back at you!