Count Your Blessings

As the gathering commences,
I prepare myself to brace,
Myself for backwards compliments,
Smile plastered on my face.

As we sit down to the table,
Tension to cut with a knife,
While discreetly rolling our eyes,
At Uncle Ned’s new teen wife.

I can see my bored young cousins,
Don’t look like they’re having fun,
And ignore my mothers gestures,
At the work Aunt Jane had done.

Apple pie like a lead balloon,
The wine is less than stellar,
The turkey’s looking undercooked,
Can you say ‘salmonella’?

My brother’s bragging that he’s rich,
But we all know he’s lying,
Then someone mutters “Oh shut up!”
And the parsnips go flying.

Next turkey legs are being thrown,
Mashed potatoes hit the floor,
The homeless guy we invited,
Makes a mad dash for the door.

I scurry under furniture,
I see from my advantage,
Apple pie lobbed off the terrace,
Which does serious damage.

But somehow we are brought to peace,
Could be grandpa’s insistence,
Or maybe we’re just out of food,
Or hear sirens in the distance.

And all apologies are made,
And my family comes through,
Although Aunt Zelda wanders off,
Vaguely threatening to sue.

So when Thanksgiving rolls around,
I’m sure you will all agree,
You can be thankful that you’re not,
Spending the day with me.


46 thoughts on “Count Your Blessings

  1. Hap-py Holidays! Hope you get a little more flexibility having moved to California–or maybe your family is there, too. Anyway the food fight sounds cathartic.

    • No, sorry Phil. I did consider the turkey challenge for the month of November but only got this one out. I was contemplating one from the POV of a turkey who’s has no idea where all his friends are disappearing to, but I just thought the vegan community would misread it. I do have one semi festive planned for Friday though.

  2. Yes, I think I will be thankful this week that I’m NOT at your table! I do extend an invite to you to join my table though if you’d like to escape….worse thing at mine will most likely be the fact that we’re buried in boxes!

  3. I was wondering if either Aunt Jane or Aunt Zelda was Uncle Ned’s ex-wife. If so, I can understand the food fight. Depending on how long ago this was, is Uncle Ned’s teenage wife now in her mid-thirties with the 2.3 kids that is the average American family? Are they divorced by now and the alimony taking all his cash. So he has nothing to contribute to the meal. He’s thinking probably, “This is the first decent meal I’ve had in months.”

  4. I’ve never been subject to the drama of large family gatherings … I just get to sit back to hear about the challenges that others have. I hope your Thanksgiving falls considerably short of this disaster!

  5. There’s always drama in family gatherings. So far, we’re still invited to every one. But who knows for how long this goes on? Thankful we always like to keep an open mind and closed ears! Hear no evil!

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