Cheesiest Heavy Metal Lyrics Ever

As a lover of heavy metal music, there are some lyrics so full of cheese, that they make me cringe to the point that they are banned, even from my shower repertoire, no matter how catchy the beat. But I suppose it’s par for the course. I mean, when pigeon holed by the topics of sex drugs and rock n’ roll, where do you really go from there?

Well, for instance you could improvise on the whole sex thing by incorporating prostitutes. I think Bon Jovi is one who really did that idea justice. That’s right, before Bon Jovi was out saving the world, he came up with this little gem. (Sorry to include all lyrics, but the whole thing was so precious I felt like it needed to be featured in all it’s glory.)

Well I wake up this morning I rolled out of bed
I felt like a dog who’s been kicked in the head
Checked out my mail there was letter that read
Love for sale, love for sale

I picked up the phone I called everyone I could
I let my fingers do the walking through the telephone book
You can’t catch a fish if you  got the hook

(what does this even mean??-Ed.)

Love for sale, love for sale

Send up a signal throw me a line
Somebody explain ” this funny Valentine”
It might not be legal but it sure ain’t a crime
I’m one step from crazy and two steps behind

I called Lt. Columbo from my TV set
I’ve tried the Dating Game I haven’t found her yet
I’m hoping that she’s looking like a Penthouse Pet
Love for sale, love for sale

But, you know, what’s really great is the foreign metal bands. How better to convey thoughts of sex drugs and rock n’ roll then by doing so in broken English. Here is Loudness, doing one better  for the prostitutes

You’ll understand
You’ll soon realize
I am destined
to burn in your cage

Get prepared
Don’t tell me you’re dreamin’

Look back Sexy woman
Sure you can’t see anything
Kiss me baby Please
Feel me right now!!
Wanna take you away and hold you tight
I am destined to burn in your cage

Get ready for this
Don’t tell me you’re dreamin’

(oooh who’s this lucky lady?-Ed.)

Other great examples of broken English metal include this gem by the Scorpions. Before they had a profound enough sense of the language to write a meaningful song like “Wind of Change” they came up with this work of art.

 

We’d like to introduce tonight
The Kings of a brandnew style
They are hungry to play
We’d like to introduce tonight
The new heavy steam rock style
Quite different and strange

Allright, how do you feel tonight
Get up to see and cry the name of the
Band

Steam right with hands and feet tonight
Get up to see and cry and they will begin –
Here they are!

Steam rock fever,
Screaming rock believers
Steamrock fever in L.A.

But while we are talking cheesy heavy metal lyrics, I must give an honorable mention to the kings of cheese, Kiss. I probably could not single out one lyric from these silver tongued masters of perverted poetry but Keats might even roll over in his grave when Gene Simmons says “I wanna put my log  in your fireplace” in that oldie but goodie “Burn Bitch Burn”. Not to mention the amount of psychological investigation into whether it is indeed possible to rock n’ roll all night and party every day.

Before moving on to other genres of metal, I feel I would be remiss if I didn’t feature this profound piece by Def Leppard:

Make love like a man
I’m a man
That’s what I am, uh!

All you girls ’round the world
Lookin’ for a guy who’s a real go getter
Every guy grab a girl
Love her like a man, make her feel a lot better

Everybody
You want it – I’m the one
I got it – I’m Mr. Fun
You need it – I’m Captain Cool, yeah
Come get it – And I’ve come for you C’mon

Don’t call me Gigolo
Don’t call me Cassanova
Just call me on the phone
And baby come on over
When you need someone
When you need someone to. . .

Make love like a man
I’m a man

(really? Because the last time I looked you were looking a bit Anne Wilson-esque. thanks for the clarification-Ed.)

And it just blows my mind that after a whole career of deliberately giving us nothing but cheese, Alice Cooper runs out of ideas, gets down to serious business, and manages to give us the real gouda with this anti-drug rant:

Hey bro, take it slow
You ain’t livin’ in a video
You’re flying low with a high velocity
No doubt, you’re stressin’ out
That ain’t what rock n’ roll’s about
Get off that one way trip down lonely street

But hey, these are the glam bands. They’re supposed to be cheesy right? So along comes the thrash bands like Metallica and Manowar and they’re going to put the meat back in metal. They’re going to write about war and fighting and give us metal intellectuals a little more bang for our bucks when it comes to lyrics. Right? So here comes Metallica with their first shot at redemption:

Bang your head against the stage
Like you never did before
Make it ring Make it bleed
Make it really sore

Um…. so  let’s try Manowar…

Manowar living on the road
When we’re in town speakers explode
We don’t attract wimps ’cause we’re too loud
Just true metal people that’s Manowar’s crowd

No? Mercyful Fate??

Upon a cross a nun will be hanged
She will be raped by an evil man
Knock spikes through her hands
Things will come she won’t understand

You’re a nun you haven’t had no fun
Living your life as virgin queen
I’m gonna change it and I’ll get it done
Tomorrow you won’t be a virgin queen

So…Venom… I mean surely they would…

“Get in our way, we’re going to take your life/Kick in your face and rape and murder your wife.” 

Okay then…

So for the grandaddy of them all, let’s pay a little visit to the hard rock spectrum of things and a little band that all of us like to affectionately (or maybe not so much) think of as Van Hagar. I guess we were all a bit annoyed when Eddie Van Halen dropped saucy lead singer David Lee Roth in honor of the Red Rocker, the man who couldn’t drive 55. That’s why it was such surprising news to me that Hagar actually left the band after Eddie Van Halen made him stoop down to a point where he had to lay down these lyrics. Geesh! Talk about cringing when you’re in the shower, imagine how Sammy felt when he had to record tracks on this one in the studio. Ladies and gentlemen, I leave you with the lyrics to “Humans Being”. Today, please take time to meaningfully reflect….

There is just enough Christ in me
To make me feel almost guilty
Is that why God made us bleed
To make us see we’re Humans Being?

You break this, I’ll break all that
You break my balls with all your crap
Spread your disease like lemmings breeding
That’s what makes us Humans Being

(Eddie Van Halen proves that despite his past he is still a man of God, (or almost), who can cuss like a 16 year old heavy metal bad boy…wow.-Ed.)

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