It’s My Birthday Bitches!

It’s my birthday bitches
And you all just best stand down
I ain’t takin no tiara cause
I wear a full on crown

You can wish me well on Facebook
But what would be even better
Is some shiny leather hot pants
And a pink angora sweater

A sterling silver bracelet that
Snakes so around my wrist
Now let me just be patient while
You go write down your list

Don’t look at me all guilty and
Tell me you never knew
I’m accepting gifts tomorrow
And the day after that too

You can call me egotistical
Or say I’m immature
But I think I’m doing pretty good
For just turned 24

And tell my boss it’s likely I
Won’t be in till next Monday
It’s officially a holiday
In many foreign countries

So roll out the red carpet
And a highway to devote
To the annual procession
In my purple satin float

Take your mop and broom, and don’t you even
Think about those dishes
Leave the laundry for tomorrow
Cause it’s my birthday bitches.


Carrying The Torch

While I decide what to do with the ashes of what has now become my blog, please enjoy some pieces from my new writing project. I’ve been covering local, independent rock artists for an online magazine called Geeks of Doom. You can read my first article here. In the meantime, I will be using this blog to feature The CheeseBergen’s music, more Geeks Of Doom pieces and any moments of poetic brilliancy that might come to me.



Damned If You Do…

I’m getting sick of Mary’s selfies
Who’s she think she is
I’m getting sick of Violet’s nonstop
Pictures of her kids

And Danny with his attitude well
He deserves a punch
And thanks but I don’t want to see
What Linda had for lunch

Don’t really want to hear Faye’s Af-
firmations or reflections
Or see all Grace and Justin’s public
Displays of affection

And Sal we know you love your dog
More than words can say
There’s no need to remind us of that
Every single day

And Micah’s updates range from simply
Boring to mundane
And Val, just post a picture once
Your weight loss goal’s attained

Don’t want to know how much Kaye’s daughter
Loves the One Direction
Or watch the Blake’s soap opera unfold
In the comments section

And Jenna rants political
And Jon is downright odd
And Donna I don’t think I need
To go get right with God

And Dan’s son is the next Cobain
So he’d have you believe
As Miles posts up articles
That no one ever reads

But nobody has problems with
What I post on my wall
Of course that just might be because
I never post at all.


The Retirement Of Maybelline May

It was Mabelline May’s retirement day
It came on the first of September
And may or may not go down in history
As a day to vaguely remember

Some photos were posted on Facebook
The crew sitting round looking dumb
Centered round congealing Entenmann’s cake
And slightly obscured by a thumb

Would show them all awkwardly gathered
Their postures were stiffened with fear
To crouch clumsily to be caught in the shot
But hopefully not get too near

Conversations attempt reminiscing
Around a pathetic potluck
The best they could do was come up with
The time that the stapler was stuck

And everyone said they were hoping
She’d stop by once a here and now
But everyone knew that she wouldn’t
Or wanted her to anyhow

And so the clock ticked well past noontime
She stared at a gluey croissant
And thought of strained hugs, sticky kisses
She hoped not to offer nor want

Anxiety crept in her chest then
Until the point of downright scary
She scurried to the nearest restroom
Neath the sign that said See Ya Mary

Resolved she rushed right past the stalls and
Past mirrors and sinks she’d continue
And without a pause she proceeded
To crawl right out the bathroom window

And once her feet met with the pavement
Without a turn back she moved on
Cheap champagne flowed in the office
They never realized she had gone

This blog is dedicated to Bitter Ben, even though he’s not retiring, just flying the coop. Nevertheless, I imagine his goodbye party to be something like this.


Motivational Speaking For the Unmotivated

Megan sat there watching the expression in Wanda’s eyes run the gamut from awe to disappointment to disgust. But even worse than that was the cold steely eye of the iPhone in Wanda’s hands, taking it all in with no way for Megan to stop it. It was then that Megan started to regret snorting that line of coke off the Korean executive’s cock at 3 o clock that morning. But, if she really thought about it, this was just an inevitable end to something that had been put into motion way before she even took her first shot of tequila last night.

The truth was, Megan really didn’t ever want to do anything. She was perfectly content sitting at home in her sweat pants lazing around in her unmade bed, eating Twinkies, browsing social media and waiting for unemployment checks to roll in…which is exactly what she would have been doing had it not been for the slight inconvenience of the fact that there were no unemployment checks coming in and hadn’t been for the past three months. That is what brought on the depression which was slightly alleviated by the appearance of little numbers in the notifications box in whatever social media platform she happened to be on.

It was around this time that J. Lo came to Megan in a dream (although it may have been a video on Facebook, no one is really quite sure). J.Lo went on to tell her how even someone as talentless as herself, could make it in the world if she just believed. Megan thought about the dream a long time before coming to the conclusion that the blonde hair J. Lo was sporting really didn’t suit her at all. But later on in the day, J Lo’s words started to resonate with her and so she started posting inane messages on social media platforms like “your mind is your best friend and your worst enemy”, “you are so much more than what you see in the mirror” and “sexy is a state of mind”. Pretty soon, Megan found that she had much more than numbers in her notifications box. She had thousands and thousands of followers.

The time had come. She needed to take action. She didn’t even have to pick up the phone to book the first Megan Landry Motivational Speaking for The Unmotivated Conference. The wheels were in motion.

At Megan’s first conference, she didn’t bother to prepare a speech. She scoured her brain for clever internet memes. She quoted a couple of Bon Jovi songs. The conference ended with everyone in attendance joining her on stage for a rousing rendition of ‘I Will Survive’. She was a huge success.

The money started rolling in. So much so, in fact, that her accountant started advising her to give some away to charity. Which is why, when Megan got a phone call from The Plight Of The Injured Iguanas Foundation, asking if she would donate an in home consultation to the highest bidder, (tax deductible mind you) she readily agreed.

The receptionist at The Injured Iguana did a great job of reminding Megan about her upcoming appointment with Wanda who had bid a whopping $1000 to meet Megan at her apartment at 9:00 on Friday morning for the consult. Unfortunately, it was Megan who dropped the ball. Every time she was about to enter the date down in her computer calendar, she was immediately sidetracked by the window that came up which automatically defaulted to Kim Kardashian’s Twitter page.

When Megan’s alarm started going off at 9 AM on Friday, she wished for death as she hit it repeatedly. When it didn’t stop it’s incessant buzzing, she realized it was the doorbell. She crawled out of bed in hopes that whoever it was would go the hell away, if only so that she could return to her desired state of unconsciousness. But when she saw Wanda, it all came flooding back to her.

As the two sat in Megan’s kitchen, Megan struggled to decipher Wanda’s words but she just continued to sound more and more to her like Charlie Brown’s teacher. Megan, meanwhile, battled what could have easily have been the worst hangover of all time, if it wasn’t for the fact that she was still a bit drunk. She struggled to think of something prophetic to say but she was rendered stupid from the lasting effects of the alcohol not to mention the sickening feeling in her stomach.

The Youtube video shows her saying something unintelligible. Some think it was “yolo” while others claim it was “oh no”. That is a debate that raged on for many months until it was eclipsed by the great internet controversy of whether the dress was blue or white. No matter in any case, as with the words came up rivers of vomit most of which ended up on Wanda’s new pencil skirt which she had purchased just for the occasion. I hear Megan is now gainfully employed at a McDonald’s in Pasadena.


Photobombed In Brooklyn

Archie hated people. He didn’t want to talk to them, he didn’t want to live with them, and he certainly didn’t want to work with them. As a result, he shunned society by living in a cardboard box under the L on 86th St. in Brooklyn, and that suited him just fine.

One day, when Archie was out scavenging for food, he caught sight of Alice. He wasn’t sure what it was about Alice…perhaps the disproportionate amount of doughy flesh on the backsides of her arms, but she reminded him of his dear mama who he’d last seen when she told him he was birthed in a dumpster in the back of the Coney Island AppleBees. That was right before she ran off with Mario from Mario’s Pizza and Doughnuts on the M75 to fulfill her dreams of becoming the Donut Queen of Long Island. But in any case, his heart, which he hertofore had dismissed as no longer capable of doing much more than keeping him alive, albeit in the flimsiest of manners, skipped a beat. He felt an undeniable urge to bond with this human Alice of the Fleshy Arms and he began running towards her.

It just so happened that Alice was just in the middle of snapping a picture with her cousin Mavis who she hadn’t seen in a dog’s age (her words not mine). Archie came close but never did quite make it to Alice, who he was hoping to embrace, by the time the picture was taken.

Now, unbeknownst to Archie, Alice was on the the tail end of a 15 minute bout of fame spurred when a Youtube video of her laughing maniacally at a wind up parakeet that shouted out swear words in Chinese somehow went viral.

Also unbeknownst to Archie, the photo of her and Mavis would end up on Alice’s Facebook page bearing the caption #photobombedinbrooklyn.

So while this picture of Archie photobombing Alice was getting shared, tweeted and retweeted, Archie’s heart strings were still acting up. He hence ended up photobombing many, including a man who’s balding pate recalled memories of his favorite uncle, Heroin Harry and a particularly photogenic chihuahua who reminded him of the feral cat who used to claw through his dumpsters til old ma threw a shoe at it.

So Archie’s fame rose in social media circles by fans who called him Photobombing Phil, (because they didn’t know his name was Archie) and all sorts started to line up on 86th St. outside Archie’s cardboard box, taking photos that they hoped Archie would photobomb. The masses included washed up actresses wishing to revamp their careers, hipsters who found Phil delightfully ironic and debutantes who decided being Photobombed by Archie would be the height of slumming it. There were even some who brought their sick relatives believing Archie had strange and magical healing powers. Bootleggers sold shirts that said things like I Got Photobombed in Brooklyn and I Took A Still With Phil!

But all efforts were in vain as Archie soon decided that his misadventures were due to telepathic messages coming to his brain through iPhone batteries as well as a bad case of acid reflux from the subway fumes. So Archie decided to relocate to an abandoned industrial warehouse in Williamsburg were he was killed in an unfortunate accident involving a button holing machine he wrongly assumed was inoperative. His body was never found.

This is a picture of me and my cousin with my kids in Brooklyn getting photobombed. It inspired the blog which is otherwise fictionalized and, no, my cousin does not have disproportionately fleshy arms.

This is a picture of me and my cousin with my kids in Brooklyn getting photobombed. It inspired the blog which is otherwise fictionalized and, no, my cousin does not have disproportionately fleshy arms.

Photobombing The Prom

Knocks on your door at 6PM
I’m waiting in the wings
You look into his eyes and take
The corsage that he brings

You mother waits to take a picture
Of you and your dude
And then he clumsily proceeds
To stab you in the boob

And just as she has got it framed
Ready to take the shot
I pop out from the branches and
I give it all I’ve got

Some bunny ears a stuck out tongue
The uglier the better
Is all it ever takes for me
To ruin your forever

Now here we are the lights are low
I’m counting down the minutes
Until they play the opening chords
Of Green Day’s Good Riddance

The principal is snapping pics
But eventually
He’ll find not one is usable
Since they all feature me

He’ll probably be offended that
I’ve turned them into smut
Cause that was not your girlfriend’s hand
That was pinching your butt

Now things are hot and heavy as
The evenings winding down
They pile into limousines all
Afterparty bound

And it will be on Facebook just
Who couldn’t hold their liquor
And they’ll be wond’ring how I got
To show up in each picture

They’ll struggle to remember their
Hungover memories
But I’m sure to go down in the
Annals of history

As each teacher, student, daughter
Father aunt or mom
All will comment on the girl
Who photobombed the prom

A picture’s worth a thousand words
And mentally embedding
But if I slip your mind then I’ll
Just see you at your wedding



Do It With Cheese

There really ain’t no other way I like to grill it
When I got some frozen patties in my skillet
I’m down to eat a salad or scarf up grease
But there’s just one way to serve it that’s gonna please
I don’t care if it’s in slices or an easy squeeze just do it
But do it with cheese!

Now you might say you’re lactose intolerant
But I say just suck it up or go get bent
Cause if your tummy hurts then I say oh please
Go wash it down with Tums or some antifreeze
This is how we roll and if you want a piece then do it
But do it with cheese!

When they see me coming they don’t need to guess
If I want cheese with that cause the answer is yes
I need the gooey stuff and that’s for sure
I don’t care if it’s costin’ me 50 cents more

Cheese is the stuff of life and you can’t refute
If you think you’re gaining weight then stop eating fruit
Cause life it too short to sweat the calories
So you best start clogging up all those arteries
Live fast and die of cardiovascular disease just do it
But do it with cheese!

Please enjoy song lyrics and video footage from our gig on Saturday night. I know it’s very dark but hopefully you get the idea! And you can like us on Facebook at this link:


I Faked My Death On Facebook

I faked my death on Facebook
Forged up a sham account
And posted that I got stuck in
A chocolate vat and drowned

And came outpourings of concern
From family, friends and bosses
Along with 50 mediocre
‘Sorry for your losses’

And Jane who one day stopped liking
My posts all of a sudden
What did it mean? She heard the news
And just pressed the like button

Or my in laws that said “Too bad
To hear of this but look
Maybe now you’ll find someone
Who actually can cook”

But really just a lot of love
Was the all over trend
10 people that I hardly knew
Claimed they were my best friend

And commemorated me just like
I was the latest fad
Wrote lovely posts with memories
I’m sure I never had

And for three days I was the hottest
Trending news by far
Til Cam’s dog had to go and get
Run over by a car.



No one can be sure what went down
With Betty on that day
Did the change on Facebook make her
Fall as easy prey

Did she not pay attention to
The update rather sudden
So mindlessly went down her wall
A-clicking her like button

So what she’d end up doing some
Would think it rather bad
She liked that Annie had no friends
She rather should click sad

And then that post of Donald Trump
Well don’t ask me but frankly
She pressed her like button again
You’d think she would click angry!

And that post ’bout the guinea pig
Who was hit by the car
You think it was an accident
That she clicked on ha, ha?

Then she was angry little Tommy
Learned to ride a bike
Cousin Sheryl lost her eyeliner
And Betty clicked on like!

And sad when in the piles of snow
Eddie found a daisy
And laughed at Martin’s rotten fruit
I fear she’s going crazy!!

And soon there’s people piling up
That Betty did offend
And with no choice they found that button
And hit on unfriend

And no one even chanced to think
That she had made a blooper
But banned her off of Facebook and
They took ‘way her computer

And now we’ll see if Betty is
Still having any fun
As she rocks on her front porch
A-holding her shotgun.