How The Turtle Got His Shell

So long ago the earth was new
When nobody yet had a clue
Of internet or cell phone calls
And just carved hash tags into walls
The turtle didn’t do so well
Because you see, he’d not a shell

So he’d get teased he knew not why
So badly that he’d sometimes cry
Perhaps they did it out of boredom
For clearly he was not their problem
So maybe they had little brains
No anti bullying campaigns

But oh the mean things they would say
Like “you look 90 if a day”
And oh the fun that they would poke
And tell him ‘you so ugly’ jokes
Like ‘you so ugly it’s a sin
You like The Donald’s ugly twin
When you born to your mom’s chagrin
The doc tried shoving you back in

The turtle walked off feeling bad
Until he saw a hermit crab
Who summoned him with a low murmur
From a dark foreboding corner
“Psst,hey turtle over here”
The turtle did proceed in fear

“You know you would look really swell
If you got you a bitchin shell
It’s like dumb luck you came my way
Because today’s your lucky day
We got each kind under the sun
Today we got em two for one

Now I don’t deal with knock off brands
I’m more a calcium carbonate man
But for you I would say win win
To maybe go with keratin
I’ll give you two for 50 bucks
Let’s say that they fell off a truck”

And so the turtle he agreed
Mostly from despairing need
The crab said “Kay man see you later-
Wait do you got rolling paper?”
Walked away with five crisp tens
And never was heard from again

The turtle was a happy bloke
Till pretty soon when both shells broke
He should have known the crab’s deceit
He never gave him a receipt
But no fear, in the next few days he
Bought a better one at Macy’s.

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85 thoughts on “How The Turtle Got His Shell

  1. Well you prompted a Google quest to see which of the two is the most intelligent yet no satisfactory answer there save for one chap who wrote that hermit crabs live long and are ‘funner’ (I quote) than turtles…just thought you’d like to know…cracking read was your verse by the way.

  2. ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚ Marissa, you are awesome! I have a tortoise and was laughing so hard reading it… and all the mean offending statements you found…. I guess my tortoise wasn’t at Macy’s for his shell… but it does the trick… lol!

  3. Oh thank goodness that poor turtle found a shell at Macy’s. I laughed all the way through this, Marissa. You really are a master with words. Wow!! How you string words together …. AMAZING! โค

    • Hmmm… Never heard of Macy’s? One if the largest department stores over here but perhaps you are better off.
      Macy’s and ‘days he’ was my failed attempt at a showstopper rhyme but no worries.
      Funny video! Where do you find this stuff?

      • Oh ok, no it sounds delightful. I love large department stores, I feel like I’m going into a theme park/theatre play with big brother screens. It’s free too.

        My mind seems to make corrolations with others words, to every single thing I may have ever seen in my 25 years of living, fairly randomly and quickly.

        I am also an explorer Marissa, remember

    • It can be. I actually worked there for about a year and a half as a retail merchandiser and wouldn’t cry if I never had to step a foot in there again for as long as I live but they did have some good stuff!

  4. How the turtle got his first shell is kind of a shady deal, fresh off the truck. I wanted to say something about the poor turtle needing a place to stay warm in.
    You covered the reason why he needed to hide in shame, in a much more interesting and hilarious way, Marissa. ๐Ÿ˜€ I never trusted crabs, anyway!
    So glad to know Macy’s helped the little guy out. I bet he had to “shell out” a lot of clams. . . .

  5. Hi Marissa. Always love reading the interesting comments and your responses. They make me laugh also. By the time I get to the end, at times it feels like all has been said, so I’m reluctant to comment. Having said that…ha ha!… I wish to say that there were so many hilarious moments in this expression of poetic genius that I’d like to mention two of them—“carved hash tags into wall” and “calcium carbonate man.” I’m not a chemistry whiz, so I looked up ‘calcium carbonate’ and then I really got it. Ha ha! You were really on a roll with this one. By the way, just curious who Donald refers to? I think he might be in politics, if I’m right.

    • Oh goodness, yes, it’s Donald Trump. Have you heard of him? He’s very famous and is now running for president and losing the respect of the American people daily.
      Love it that you read all the comments and look into details so carefully. I rarely have time with all the blog reading and writing I do but once in a while something really stirs my curiosity.

      • Thought it was referring to Donald Trump, but had to check. Oh, he’s very famous here also. The Canadian media keeps track of his every word.

  6. This was brilliant, Marissa! Can someone find that crab and buy a shell for The Donald to crawl into! It was all really funny, but special mentions for using the word ‘bloke’ and love the hashtags in the caves! I guess the neaderthals were the original tablet users!

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