Please Sign My Hannukah Petition!

Some spell it with a C and H
Some with an extra K
I’ve seen it with a Q and X
And ends with H or A

And once I’ve gotten half way there
I have to start again
‘Cause I seem to have forgotten
Where to put the extra N

But it really shouldn’t matter
Where the wild wind it blows
When it comes to spelling Hanukah
It’s as if anything goes

All concept of grammar and
Religion have been shaken
Oy vey, like are they Jews?
Cause it’s more like they are pagan!!

Blatant abuse of language well
It’s causing quite a stir
Maybe now Mersh will worship but
Not wear a yamulke

But, oh yeah, while we are at it let’s
Condemn ourselves to hell
And go and spell it ‘yamika’
Like the goys think it’s spelled

Or perhaps its gone new agey and
It don’t like to be labeled
Or bogged down with proper grammar like
It’s brother dreidel (dreidl)

This is no less than anarchy
There must be a decision!
For correct spelling of Hannukah
I’m making a petition

And I hope that you will sign it but
One thing before you do
Tell me what you’re thinking should
It be one N or two?

Metalhead’s Holiday Gift Guide 2016

Tis the season! Yes, we may seem dark, doomy and miserable, but even metalhead’s need gifts for the holidays. Here is my annual list of recommendations. It’s funny…I promise!

A Convenient Inconvenience

I don’t want to see the dentist
No where no how no way
I think I will reschedule to
The 25th of May

The fateful day would roll around
I’d suddenly remember
I had to wash my hair so I
Rebooked to late December

But oh what was I thinking with
The holidays and all
Don’t think I’ll be available
Til next year in the fall

So we’re all good for October
Of 2017
But then I realized that that was
Right before Halloween

I’m gone for most of the next year
Which seemed a great relief
It didn’t seem like a good year
For me to clean my teeth

The two years after that there is
A highly likely chance
But don’t you know they just don’t book
That far off in advance

Which I find unacceptable
In fact it’s just horrendous
So now I’ll have to find the time
To choose a different dentist

Which puts it off for 5 years more
Well that would be my guess
And chances are that by that time
I won’t have no teeth left.

Ice Slipping

Flailing and trailing, efforts unavailing
The masses assailing I hold tight the railing
Trying to ice skate and epically failing

Doll In A Box

Oh Barbie doll oh Barbie doll
Oh how you mock me so
My daughter did delight with awe
Just 2 hours ago

At the pink perfection of
You laying in your box
Which as it turns out’s harder to
Get into than Fort Knox

Your head and hands are bound up like
Some obscene S & M
That makes me wonder what is going
On with you and Ken

Or more important what cruel trick
That Santa has delivered
I work my way through twist ties so
Precarious my scissors

As Christmas cheer, good will towards men
Does quickly travel south
My daughter stares in horror at
Mom foaming at the mouth

But Barbie sits with a fixed grin
Through my verbal abuse
And much to my amazement I
Can feel her coming loose!

I hold her like a trophy but
Become dismayed to find
Indeed she’s loose although I see
Her head is left behind

My daughter screams and so it seems
Our Christmas celebration
Will end in plastic remnants of
Barbie’s decapitation

Industrial strength plastic tabs
Positioned like a sword
Which affix the back of her skull
Right on to the cardboard

And despite that some celebrate
Their savior’s anniversary
I see no other choice but to
Perform extensive surgery

I tell my daughter to be brave
She seems able to grapple
I don the gloves, line up the knives and
Prompt my daughter ‘Scalpel”

And so begins the operation
And the very serious
Labor sewing, cutting all
Which seems to be quite tedious

But after hours I did bring
Back Barbie from the dead
I snipped off all her plastic tags
I reattached her head

And now I must convince my girl
That she is the town envy
And that Barbie’s new uneven bob
Is hip and chic and trendy.

Rudolf The Red Nosed Reindeer: Behind The Nose

You know Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen,
You know Comet and Cupid and Donner and Blitzen,
But do you know of the rise and fall
Of the most famous reindeer of all?

Well early on I guess you know
He had it pretty bad
Bullied all through childhood
Rejected by his dad

Santa tried to help him on
That night so over cast
But Rudolf was already down
A no good wayward path

Now suddenly surrounded by
The friends he met through fame
Who plied him well with alcohol
And mountains of cocaine

And as his star was rising and
His videos gone viral
So began the process of a
Sure and downward spiral

Sometimes he’d answer drunkenly
To Santa’s Christmas call
Sometimes he’d show up hungover
And sometimes not at all

But Santa finally had to show
Rudolf the exit sign
When he ran over grandma back
In 1979

A fake nose on a younger deer
New fangled and shined brighter
Told all that it was Rudolf and
Most folks were none the wiser

Meanwhile things for Rudolf looked
Like they were really bad
He did a stint on Dr. Drew’s
Celebrity Rehab

Tried working at Christmas displays
Pulling sleds on teams
But he was always shown the door
Unable to keep clean

And so alone he turned to frozen
Tundras for survival
Until he willingly succumbed
To a huntsman’s rifle

Who later brought him home unto
His family to eat
But his wife saw a strange red light
Glowing in the meat

It’s probably a good thing that
The family did refrain
Toxicology reports found deadly
Levels of cocaine

And so poor Rudolf went down in
Abject obscurity
Children feel free to sing along
It’s in the key of G.

Hipster Santa

Make sure to keep the doorway clear
When he comes in the room
He ain’t comin down the chimney
Cause the risk of toxic fumes

And if your fireplace burns wood
Then no gifts will he leave
He’s all about the rainforest and
You know, save the trees

And he would never leave you coal
Cause that would just be cruel
Unethical indeed to waste
Our precious fossil fuels

But if you’re on the naughty list
Then while you are asleep
He may just fill your stocking with
A big old compost heap

His sleigh runs on electric now
Reindeer resolved of duties
He let them go last year he said
Something ’bout animal cruelty

He didn’t leave them unemployed
Of that you can be sure
He sent them off to Africa
To work in the Peace Corps

His look is pretty much the same
All red and white and kempt
But his suit is not so soft you see
Now it is made of hemp

And atop his head he wears
A bun of snowy white
It seems he’s lost like 20 pounds
He’s given up the pipe

His menu may have slightly changed
So make sure that you see
That you set out some soy milk and
The cookies’ gluten free

Recycled totes that now replace
His old fashioned toy sack
I gotta say I kind of wish
We had the old one back

Cause something’s rubbing me all wrong
When he drives out of sight
Wishing a Merry Christmas to all
And an eco friendly night

Christmas Wrap

I’m the Queen of Queens the Brooklyn Babe
From New York to Seattle
I’ll take the crown I’ll take you down
In any old rap battle

And when fools see me comin’ well
They best be takin’ heed
Nickel and dimin’ for the rhymin’
I’m like Shakespeare on speed

There’s a kind of rappin’s got me down
It’s like a cold ass diss
That’s the kind of wrappin that is happ’nin
With those Christmas gifts

I’m foschizzle with the scissors
I’m a master with the tape
But it ain’t my fault the Barbie box
Has such a weird ass shape

One time I wrapped a Christmas gift
That was made for my mom
The FBI was at my house
They thought it was a bomb

I come to Christmas parties and
My gifts I don’t dare label
I be bookin’ when they’re not lookin’
And I shove em neath the table

And beneath your tree you’ll clearly see
My Christmas aberration
Like a little lad with really bad
Hand eye coordination

I don’t care the paper’s cut up so
It’s too big or too small
The wrap is crap they’re lucky that
They got a gift at all

If Santa Was Jewish

If Santa was Jewish
When he came to call
You’d serve Manischevitz
And some matzah balls

He’d ride in a Caddy
From New York to Tuscon
And give the kids toys
He’d buy with a coupon

And carry them all
In his oversized sack
That read Minka’s Deli
Then say “Oy, my back”

He’d place the toys down
By the fireplace floor
And turn with a moron
And walk out the door

Because Jewish Santa
Just doesn’t do chimneys
But mutters about them
Being too flimsy

“To reindeer he’d call out
On Moshe, on Schlomy
On Dovid, on Avi
On Ruth, on Naomi

To the top of the porch
Come on you old herd
We may make it back
For the end of Goldbergs”

Then he’d drive off munching
A bagel and schmear
And say “Oy, I’m glad that’s done
Until next year.”

The Gift of the Moron

Twas Christmas Eve The Dillingham’s
Did desperately endeavor
To buy each other gifts with naught
Two dimes to rub together

Della sat there pondering
Then suddenly she knew
To buy her man a Christmas gift
Just what she had to do

Her lovely hair she had to sell
And wear it short and plain
And in return for his fine watch
She would purchase a chain

So Christmas Day did come around
And so proud of her thrift
She did present her husband with
His valuable gift

But upon his unwrapping she thought
“What the bloody hell?”
His face did not light up so much
In fact it plainly fell

He said “Della it’s wonderful
But I’ve a sad confession
The watch to which this chain may suit’s
No longer my possession

I sold it in town yesterday
I’m sorry but it’s true
But with the best intentions of
Buying this gift for you”

And so produced a hand wrapped gift
And gave it to his wife
It was a flowered china dish
That read on it “Thug Life”

The inspiration for this poem was a prompt from Stephanie aka Little Miss Menopause at Once Upon Your Prime. She gave it to me some time ago but I wasn’t quite able to make it work until I saw this…ahem…unique holiday gift suggestion.