Rudolf The Red Nosed Reindeer: Behind The Nose

You know Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen,
You know Comet and Cupid and Donner and Blitzen,
But do you know of the rise and fall
Of the most famous reindeer of all?

Well early on I guess you know
He had it pretty bad
Bullied all through childhood
Rejected by his dad

Santa tried to help him on
That night so over cast
But Rudolf was already down
A no good wayward path

Now suddenly surrounded by
The friends he met through fame
Who plied him well with alcohol
And mountains of cocaine

And as his star was rising and
His videos gone viral
So began the process of a
Sure and downward spiral

Sometimes he’d answer drunkenly
To Santa’s Christmas call
Sometimes he’d show up hungover
And sometimes not at all

But Santa finally had to show
Rudolf the exit sign
When he ran over grandma back
In 1979

A fake nose on a younger deer
New fangled and shined brighter
Told all that it was Rudolf and
Most folks were none the wiser

Meanwhile things for Rudolf looked
Like they were really bad
He did a stint on Dr. Drew’s
Celebrity Rehab

Tried working at Christmas displays
Pulling sleds on teams
But he was always shown the door
Unable to keep clean

And so alone he turned to frozen
Tundras for survival
Until he willingly succumbed
To a huntsman’s rifle

Who later brought him home unto
His family to eat
But his wife saw a strange red light
Glowing in the meat

It’s probably a good thing that
The family did refrain
Toxicology reports found deadly
Levels of cocaine

And so poor Rudolf went down in
Abject obscurity
Children feel free to sing along
It’s in the key of G.

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65 thoughts on “Rudolf The Red Nosed Reindeer: Behind The Nose

    • Thanks Stephanie! I don’t know if you saw but someone chimed in on our blogversation about submitting published work to Kveller. Might work. It may be too late to submit the holiday stuff but the brain is always working…

  1. Rudolph is a sad story. My conservative side says he needs to pull humself by his bootstraps. My progressive side says we need to design a government program for him. the Donald says either way Rudolph is ugly.

  2. Such a great farce, Marissa. I always wondered what he had “done” to get such a red nose. You sure have a warped mind which we all benefit from. Glad you feel Christmas can be irresistible but we are fine with you just the way you are! 🙂

      • Embellishments are your forte. I love being able to know the “back story,” Marissa. Glad to get the scoop but not the spoon (of coke) nor the poop.
        That McCauley Culkin video is a real trip.
        You have the most fun commenters around. 😀

  3. Ohhh…Macauley Culkin. Your parents should have seen this coming when they named you Macauley Culkin. Good luck to Apple and North West. You should go ahead and put Dr. Drew on speed dial.

  4. Brilliant!! Love the idea that Rudolph’s nose woes are related to his habitual drug use. Now I’m wondering if that’s how Santa manages to stay up all night delivering those gifts of his…

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