If Santa Was Jewish

If Santa was Jewish
When he came to call
You’d serve Manischevitz
And some matzah balls

He’d ride in a Caddy
From New York to Tuscon
And give the kids toys
He’d buy with a coupon

And carry them all
In his oversized sack
That read Minka’s Deli
Then say “Oy, my back”

He’d place the toys down
By the fireplace floor
And turn with a moron
And walk out the door

Because Jewish Santa
Just doesn’t do chimneys
But mutters about them
Being too flimsy

“To reindeer he’d call out
On Moshe, on Schlomy
On Dovid, on Avi
On Ruth, on Naomi

To the top of the porch
Come on you old herd
We may make it back
For the end of Goldbergs”

Then he’d drive off munching
A bagel and schmear
And say “Oy, I’m glad that’s done
Until next year.”

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81 thoughts on “If Santa Was Jewish

  1. Bit of a gem you have here young Marissa…reminds me of a Jewish bloke I worked with years ago…diamond geezer, loyal friend yet when it came to spending…well…he didn’t!

      • Scots, Yorkshiremen and my wife are the same…the most loyal, helpful souls unless it’s their turn to buy drinks in the pub! Mind in fairness my Jewish mate didn’t drink…Shirley does though and she’s an atheist!

      • Yes, well I imagine I am quite the same as I don’t drink either…and part of the reason is that it’s expensive!! Anyway, I guess in heart I am an atheist as well, or maybe agnostic but there’s something about Jewish people that goes beyond religious belief that I just can’t shake.

      • I worked in North London for many years early in my career and that is a Jewish haven, I treasure the sense of humour – especially so the mum’s and the pride of being a people apart through faith in the UK who have, regardless integrated into whatever society with consummate ease…like you with your heavy metal band with the kids paramount the Jewish community, with proper family values is one I can only sit back and envy. Good on you and yours young Marissa.

      • What a kind thing to say Mike! Almost makes me feel as if someone has hacked your account! But, all kidding aside, seems like you have some great family values as well.

    • Hey Stephanie, I checked out Kveller but they do not accept pieces that were already published, even on your personal blog. Do you know if they check that thoroughly? Anyway, thanks for recommending them. I may think about submitting something fresh.

      • I’ll see what I can safely do. They want me to include a bio and I can’t imagine writing anything that doesn’t mention that I have my own blog so that may be problematic. Whatever I go with…you never said a thing!!

      • Psst: Make it “private” on your dashboard and then submit separately to Kveller. This way, your poem is not lost nor will it show up on any internet searches. After it’s accepted, you can make legally make it public again and note Kveller as having first rights.
        ….so I’m told πŸ™‚

  2. Hehehehehehe Another original that again made me laugh. Ya don’t have to be Jewish to have sticky fingers …. LOL. LOVED this, Marissa ….. You are just such a Blessing in my Life!!!! ❀

  3. You forgot some lines:
    And all that had expected him
    Christmas Eve night
    Had got it all wrong for they
    Were much too late.

    He’d done his job and made
    The eight days of Hanukkah
    So now he was having a meal
    Down at the Chinese buffet.

  4. “Oy to the world”! I was reading your comments, and I too, identify as atheist…or agnostic (I guess agnostic if I can’t decide). All of that is beside the point, and that’s what I love about this post/your blog. There IS room in the world for ALL beliefs…even a Jewish Santa. Love, love, love it!

  5. Marissa, this was a great improvement over corny Ole Saint Nick! I do believe I have a lot in common with Hanukkah Harry. I love his use of coupons, bagels with schmears, I don’t like chimneys and I have enjoyed Manischevitz on more than one occasion. πŸ™‚

  6. Santa’s job must be hectic to say the least. Having the whole world on his shoulders for such a short period of time must be hell! I’ve forgotten how old your sons are, do they still leave notes? So gorgeous, I can’t wait to see my nieces and nephews offerings to the bearded fellow this year!

    • Yes, stressful indeed. I actually have a son and a daughter. My son’s 13 (too old). My daughter had to write a Santa note as a school assignment but it was really no surprise seeing as she started on her Christmas list (which is safely stored in my phone) in July!

      • Oh 13. He would be going through a wonder of hormonal activities, much to your delight I’m sure. Writing Santa notes at school! What! We never got to do that.. Wishing you and your family a most warm and happy Christmas Marissa πŸ™‚

    • Okay Todd! That’s a private joke and I threw it in there kind of wondering if anyone would pick up on it and I’m thinking that you may be the only one that got this far. Probably everyone else just didn’t get it and ignored it.
      It’s a take off on the line in The Night Before Christmas where Moore writes “he filled all the stockings then turned with a jerk.” We always used to laugh at this when I was a child and when my mother read this to my sister and I, she would inevitably grab one of us and start turning…like she was calling us jerks (turning with a jerk). The family tradition lives on with me and my children. I know, starting to tear up there, right? (P.S. are you sorry you asked?)

  7. Why not? As long as Jewish Santa was in addition to, rather than a replacement of the old North Pole Warlord. The more the merrier–and another Christmas would mean I’d finally have a use for that spare sock left over from the whole “hung by the fireplace with care” shtick.

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