Doll In A Box

Oh Barbie doll oh Barbie doll
Oh how you mock me so
My daughter did delight with awe
Just 2 hours ago

At the pink perfection of
You laying in your box
Which as it turns out’s harder to
Get into than Fort Knox

Your head and hands are bound up like
Some obscene S & M
That makes me wonder what is going
On with you and Ken

Or more important what cruel trick
That Santa has delivered
I work my way through twist ties so
Precarious my scissors

As Christmas cheer, good will towards men
Does quickly travel south
My daughter stares in horror at
Mom foaming at the mouth

But Barbie sits with a fixed grin
Through my verbal abuse
And much to my amazement I
Can feel her coming loose!

I hold her like a trophy but
Become dismayed to find
Indeed she’s loose althoughΒ I see
Her head is left behind

My daughter screams and so it seems
Our Christmas celebration
Will end in plastic remnants of
Barbie’s decapitation

Industrial strength plastic tabs
Positioned like a sword
Which affix the back of her skull
Right on to the cardboard

And despite that some celebrate
Their savior’s anniversary
I see no other choice but to
Perform extensive surgery

I tell my daughter to be brave
She seems able to grapple
I don the gloves, line up the knives and
Prompt my daughter ‘Scalpel”

And so begins the operation
And the very serious
Labor sewing, cutting all
Which seems to be quite tedious

But after hours I did bring
Back Barbie from the dead
I snipped off all her plastic tags
I reattached her head

And now I must convince my girl
That she is the town envy
And that Barbie’s new uneven bob
Is hip and chic and trendy.


64 thoughts on “Doll In A Box

  1. Marissa…. you speak straight from my heart! How much did I curse these dafts (a word I just learned from Judy) for securing a simple plastic doll like the most fragile glass artwork!

    • Oh, I know! In researching this one, I found out that it’s mainly to protect them while they ship. Personally, I wouldn’t mind them rattling around in their boxes a bit if it meant cutting a good 10 minutes off the time it takes to get them free!

  2. I’ve battled this one myself. That coated wire is great for tying up my climbing roses though. I’ve also wondered how they can afford all that wire, plastic tabs, trays, and extra cardboard, but cannot afford a damned battery so the kids can play with a new toy on Christmas day.

  3. How refreshing to see a Barbie doll post without mention that if she were a real life woman she wouldn’t be able to stand up due to her absurd proportions or claiming that she’d never menstruate. Way to give the little hussy a break! Loved this (hilarious about Ken!) and if it’s still Mattel that makes Barbie, I think they ought to just screw her into the packaging and she should come with her own set of pink tools so little girls can feel handy just like boys.

    • That’s a terrific idea…only I wonder how well those little pink tools would be packaged…it’s almost like the chicken and the egg dilemma.
      Actually, it’s those darn Monster High dolls my daughter loves that are packaged so well. Barbie just fit better into the rhyme scheme of the poem. Perhaps that’s why she was saved!!

  4. Ugh! One’s gotta be armed with metal scissors and screwdrivers these days just to open toys. Be ready to bite your tongue, though, on your first attempt opening πŸ˜‰

  5. This was hilarious, Marissa! I have been happy my 4 and 6 year old grandies like baby dolls, now due to Hendrix. I am not a fan of Barbie. Hugs for this post and your words! xo

    • Actually, my daughter plays with those Monster High dolls and they are just the worst when it comes to security packaging!! I would have wrote this one for them but Barbie just fit better into the rhythm of the poem.

      • I do feel all toys have way too much wiring, plastic ties and have even Bled 😦 literally upon my grandie’s toy, not careful with my knife!
        Too bad about your daughter’s doll’s hair; unless this didn’t quite happen to your Monster High girls hair being chopped off! My granddaughter who is 6 likes the Monster High dolls while 4 year old likes Elsa, “Frozen,” and something silly called Lalloopsie! πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ Anyway, I also liked your featured photo. That actor is also a funny guy with his verbal rants! πŸ™‚ Happy new year to all of your family. Best of 2016 sent to you all. Cannot thank you enough for all your great comments, Marissa.

      • Oh goodness…bled all over the doll! As if the Monster High’s aren’t horrific enough, ha, ha! Actually, that didn’t really happen to the doll’s hair but they always have those plastic tags so close to the dolls head, I’m afraid that’s going to happen so I fictionalized a bit. Yes, Larry David rules! Happy New Year!

  6. You crack me up! We gave each of my nieces (both under 6) My Little Pony dolls for Christmas. While 4 adults took turns struggling to pry one of them from its packaging, the littlest girl sashayed by us with her freed pony held proudly above her head. In unison, we looked at her and said, “how’d you do that!?”. She just smiled. 😊

    • Wow, that’s pretty crazy! Well, I can tell you, this blog was inspired by the Monster High Dolls I buy my daughter and there is no way you can free these things from a box without the use of deadly weapons!

  7. Hahaha this brings back one particular memory from my childhood years. My uncle bought a barbie for me from abroad and when my best friend visited we gave her a haircut and hid the hair so my mom wouldn’t see it. It was a disaster !! The doll looked like it was in a bad accident πŸ˜›

  8. Ha! Finally an advantage to having had only boys!! πŸ˜‰
    Packaging really is insane. One practically needs an engineering degree to figure out how to get the contents out of many packages.

  9. I googled Kinder Surprises of Barbie and it seems to be some sort of LEGGS panty hose kind of egg with doll stuff inside of it? Am I right? How odd…Next year just get an American Girl doll, lol. I must say I covet Samantha’s lifestyle but then I was always the prissy type.

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