Guidelines To Being A Slut

For too long I have been on a rant about schooling, and though it’s been fun and will probably continue later in the week, I feel the need to get a bit naughty, to get back in touch with my roots, to let my hair down, a veritable cleansing of the palate if you will.

I think it’s time to holla to some of the young girls out there and let them know, it’s okay to be slutty. In fact, this blog is inspired from conversations I’ve had with other housewives about my past, and I can’t help but thinking the good girls missed out. And as a matter of fact being a slut can be a liberating and feminist experience.
Okay, so first you might need to get some slutty girlfriends over but if you don’t have any, it’s okay. Sometimes going out alone can be very alluring as well.
Now reach back in the closet for that dress you bought but never thought you’d wear because it’s too short, somewhat see through, the cleavage is too low, or whatever wardrobe malfunction is waiting to happen, and put it on. Now I need to advise you DO NOT take your favorite pair of leggings and pull them down below your waistline. DO NOT take your favorite shirt and put the bottom through the collar until your form some deranged sort of bra top. That is just skanky and desperate. You need to have the slutty clothing in advance and if you don’t, you might need to go on a shopping trip to Hollywood Blvd or somewhere as delightfully inappropriate in your home town.
Okay, now put on the high heels, you know the ones that are really too uncomfortable to walk in and that you totally regret buying because you never wear them. Well, here’s your chance. By the way, you may need some practice walking in them. But if all else fails, get some of those slutty friends to prop you up on either side. It’ll be adorable.
So what time is it now? 8 o clock. Okay, you need to get comfortable because your not going anywhere till at least 11. It’s best to show up just when everyone is drunk enough to have fun and mingle but not so drunk that they’ve given up all hope of getting laid and are now too far gone to do so, and are probably throwing up in the bathroom.
You’re at the club now, right? Preferably it’s a rock n’ roll dive with lots of loud, sleezy music but if it happens to be a rave or something equally hideous, just adapt. It’s very unattractive to whine and decidedly not slutty so just have another drink.
Set your sights on that guy. You know, the one with the greasy hair and the dirty jeans? The one with his hair hanging down in his face ever so slightly? Find a reason to talk to him. If he takes your lead and you hook up, great. Otherwise, spend the rest of the night ignoring him. The trap has been sent. Move on to someone else, ideally one of his friends.The fact that you hooked up with his friend will not make him think you are unavailable, it will only make you more enticing.
Now if you do end up hooking up, try to make it at their place. This leaves you to make your escape quickly. As a matter of fact, if you can split in the middle of the night while they are sleeping, kudos to you. Either way, never overstay your welcome. It reeks of desperation. Besides, who wants some smelly hung over guy romping around the apartment and making a nuisance of himself at 10 in the morning? Also, never volunteer your phone number and if they give your their phone number dispose of it immediately. If you are interested in seeing them again, strategically plant yourself at the club the next time you think they will be there. Or better yet,  maybe this time you can hook up with the guy with the greasy hair.
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One thought on “Guidelines To Being A Slut

  1. Pingback: Slut! | Belasarius & curvy_bottom

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