Brandon The Emotional Cat From Hell

There once was a poor cat named Brandon
Whose owner did all but abandon
He took him out nights
To eat up the mice
He cried nightly by our ground floor landing

Did he need to be taught a strong lesson?
Did he need a good therapy session?
As it was clear to see
Sep’ration anxiety
Had become the poor kitty’s obsession

Owner said “throw him back up the stairs!”
But dear reader I would not have dared
As it was clear to see
He had 10 pounds on me
From that caper he’d far better fare

We decided to leave him among us
He was emotional and humungous
Showed him we sympathized
But we left him outside
Lest he might well have eaten my youngest

Well, I’m back from NY and slowly getting back in the swing of things. I’m attempting to chronicle my adventures, the first being about a cat named Brandon who had just been downgraded from a plush Harlem apartment to living on the back patio of the building which just happened to be outside of our Air BnB rental. Sorry I have been so bad about responding to comments and reading posts but this time off was much needed. I’m still not sure if I will return to blogging with as much vim and vigor as before but thought this one worth publishing.

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Brandon Himself

Hypnoswitch

Chewing on my fingernails
I could not quite resist
So I decided I’d seek help
From a hypnotist

How she seemed to do it I
Will never know for sure
But my fingernails don’t look
So yummy anymore

Guess I should be happy that
I’m now free of that bane
‘Cept I quack just like a duck
Every time it rains

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You Should Have Known

She looks at her with weary eyes,
Impatient with her tears,
Foreboding signs, she had been warned,
It’s been building for years.

She tried to point out the red flags,
The hurtful words he used,
The many times he told her that,
He wasn’t in the mood.

She tries to be sympathetic,
How could she not have known,
She disperses one last Kleenex,
And says it time to go.

Her patient’s lack of perception’s
Such a disappointment,
But she has some time to relax,
Before her next appointment,

And so she reaches for her tea,
When her phone lights up,
Her husband says, “Late one tonight-
Honey, don’t wait up.”

This poem was inspired by a book of the same name by Jean Hanff Korelitz.

http://dailypost.wordpress.com/dp_writing_challenge/oh-the-irony/

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Couples Therapy

There are certain realities you need to accept in order to make a relationship work. The first one was passed down to me by my dear old grandmother and I have always thought it to be true: “Men and women are natural enemies”. After 12 years of marriage I think I can embellish on this with my own offering, “All men are stupid and all women are crazy”.

Now of course I know all men aren’t really stupid. There are plenty of men who run successful companies, solve complicated algebraic equations, and can teach Albert Einstein a thing or two about the Theories of Relativity. But show me a man who can coordinate a shopping list for his family that is both healthy and economical, successfully acquire every item on that list and put it away in it’s proper cabinet. Show me a man who can do the laundry without shoving one of your dresses in a drawer and putting your daughter’s panties in with your underwear. Show me a man who always thinks before he let’s an insensitive comment come out of his mouth. Show me that man because my Aunt Lydia has a son that’s single…(not that there’s anything wrong with that.)
Women, on the other hand, can be considered volatile, short tempered and fickle. Of course this is all par for the course when she has just worked all day, taken care of the family, and now she can’t find the mayonnaise, has to resort the laundry, not to mention that her husband just told her that on second thought those jeans actually do make her hips look kind of wide.
Okay, so after writing this blog, I realize I have been somewhat unfair to the opposite sex. After all, I have somewhat justified a woman’s insanity as they are her reactions to her partner’s behavior, (although, to be fair these reactions may include chasing said partner with the kitchen knife or breaking the glass coffee table in the living room (ooooh….so specific…do you think I’ve ever??)) while I haven’t justified a man’s stupidity whatsoever!
But the truth is, all this makes perfect sense when you consider two more facts you need to accept to ensure happiness.1)  The woman is always right. 2) In order for a relationship to be successful, a man must be completely, utterly  and unequivocally scared to death of his wife.
Free of charge…Your welcome!