I Wore Red To Target

I wore red to Target
Not the best idea
I wore red to Target
And everybody near
Asked me “do you work here?”
Said “can you help me miss?”
Come on don’t you know
I can’t take much more of this

Guess I was asking for it
Cause look what I started
Had it coming to me when
I wore red to Target

Tried hiding in the bathroom
I thought that would be safer
‘Til someone said “hey miss
We’re out of toilet paper!”
If one more person bugs me
I swear I’ll flip my lid
This woman came up to me
And that’s just what she did

Guess I was asking for it
Cause look what I started
Had it coming to me when
I wore red to Target

I could have gone to another market
I could have worn blue or green
But I had to go to Target tell me what did it mean
Did it mean did it mean
Did it mean did it mean

I made up some fake discounts
I gave her wrong directions
I told her there were frying pans
In the electronics section
Then I felt so much better
And everything was fine
Until when I discovered
I was in back of her on line

Guess I was asking for it
Cause look what I started
Had it coming to me when
I wore red to Target

This is another poem that I published many moons ago but added some lyrics to make it in to a song. It also happens to be the first recorded CheeseBergens song that my 9 year old daughter sings. Let me know what you think.

Also, the music is free to listen to, but if anyone is so inclined to make a donation, all funds will be given to the Ovation Music Fund, a nonprofit dedicated to helping underserved kids pay for music school tuitions.

http://ovationmusicfund.org/

Awol At The Mall

Map and compass, water bottle,
Check check check and check
Bandages, tinder and whistle
Hanging from my neck

But despite the preparedness
Of my survival pack
I struggle to identify
Whether this discount rack

Is the same one that I’ve seen
Some three hours before
Or if I’ll find the exit out
From the department store

I know I’m not to panic but
This sure is getting dreadful
I no longer see the trail I left
From my Wetzel’s Pretzel

The salesgirl has directed me
But somehow I’m condemned
To end up turning up in the
Perfume section again

Where some women keeps spraying me
with the Drakkar Noir
I look a confused housewife but
I smell like a French whore

And so my circling continues
It’s really quite upsetting
I think of maybe starting a
Rescue fire in bedding

My water ration’s running low
A most rueful subsistence
When bright lights of Target I see
Shining in the distance

Intent am I to get to where
The far off lights are glowing
I focus in on them and look
Not quite where I am going

I topple a Christmas display
A very stressed salesman
And what seems to be the whole of the
Kardashian clan

And finally I reach the mall
Like a woman obsessed
And just miss a collision with
Santa’s Fun Time Express

Shoppers give me funny looks
But I don’t give a damn
I only hope my family
Remembers who I am

And on a mission that perhaps
Sweet freedom will be mine
I make a beeline out of there
At the first exit sign

And as I breath in the fresh air
I kneel to kiss the ground
Only to find a much greater
Dilemma to be found

For as the night time air gets cold
And the sun fades to dark
There’s no way in hell that I’ll
Remember where I parked

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Trampling At The Sampling

I circle like a vulture and
In deepest secrecy
Dare not divulge the nature
Or give out my strategy

And with the stealthiest of stealth
Unrivaled by a cheetah
I look on cups filled with cream puffs
Yogurt, spanakopitas

And with my wig and sunglasses
Practically incognito
No one will guess my gluttony
I wait on the burrito

She says it’d be 10 minutes so
I hover real near by
Studying a box of mac n cheese
I’ve no intent to buy

And soon the microwave bell dings
And surely I got dibs
But tell that to the woman waiting
With her seven kids

Nervously I do surmise
A serving less than ample
Dismayed as the burrito’s cut
To no more than 8 samples

Little fingers greedy clench
And little mouths that dine
Upon food that for all intent
And purpose should be mine

But what is this I come upon
In slow motion unfolds
The hands that eagerly stretch out
Of a poor three year old

Anticipation on her face
So pure and filled with light
All awaiting joyous tastes
Within the tiny bite

But all is fair in love and war
Some day she’ll understand
Just why I had to snatch the sample
From her tiny hands

I’m sure she will forget about it
By end of the day
And prob’ly wouldn’t have really
Enjoyed it anyway

And after that all bets are off
And destiny it calls
Along with soda, ice cream, meats
And two jumbo meatballs

Cheeses, crackers, sausages
Nuggets shaped like stars
As I cut a blind man off
To grab granola bars

Cookies, coffee, gummy bears
All worthy of a try
As well as some strange chewy stuff
I can’t identify

And vegan gluten free wheat cakes
That taste a bit like tin
A candy coated laxative
And children’s vitamins

And with all tables visited
It’s time to head on out
With bile in my stomach and
A bad taste in my mouth

And as I’m headed for the door
A woman there does greet
Me to ask me if I bought something
She would check my receipt

I say to her that I did not
And thank her for her service
But giggle that she’d think I’d
Actually make a purchase.

Inspired by a local story you can read about here, which turns out to be not nearly as funny.

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A Poem ‘Bout You

I thought I’d write a poem ’bout you,
And how you hurt me so,
I’d bear my heart right on my sleeve,
For all the world to know.

And just so I could conjure up,
All of that hurt and rage,
I thought I would just take a peek,
At your Facebook page.

And as I started scrolling through,
It all hit me again,
The lies and the indignity…
My God your friends with Jen?!

I haven’t talked to her in years!
I see she’s friends with Larry,
Oh my, he’s lost a ton of weight,
Did you know Dan got married?

Looks like Steph got a nose job and,
Tina got a new look,
And David just had a baby,
And Steve is a fry cook.

Which reminds me of that diner,
Did you see the reviews?
I should go look up their web site,
To check out the menu.

There’s some links on their web page which,
Had me further derailed,
Did you know that Macy’s was,
Having a two day sale?

I thought I’d write a poem ’bout you,
How you played with my head,
I thought I’d write a poem ’bout you,
Think I’ll go shopping instead.

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Friday, Bloody Friday

My alarm rings at dawn,
I’m already awake,
Turkey grease and bread crumbs,
The remnants on my plate.

Carefully protected,
As I am getting dressed,
A helmet and knee pads,
And a bullet proof vest.

I peer from the corner,
Carefully taking stock,
Of the shoppers lining up,
Stretching around the block.

Doors ready to open,
I lunge about to barge,
Into the shop I’m ready,
To pummel, rape and charge.

And before you know it,
I’m ahead of the pack,
Winter coats hang off my arms,
A TV on my back.

Tiny kids jump from my path,
Little old ladies fly,
I seize modern devices,
I can’t identify.

A kitchen set on my head,
Shoes tied around my waist,
Bloody shoppers grab my legs,
As I get ready to pay.

I reach into my wallet,
Extract my credit card,
When appears before me,
A large security guard.

I didn’t get my TV,
Or that fancy brassiere,
The lawyer says I’m lucky,
If I get seven years.

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A Holiday Shopper’s Guide to The Universe

For the one or two of you who have been following my blog, you’ve probably ascertained some of my personality traits. For instance, you probably know that I love rock music… as long as it was written before 1985, and that I love children…. as long as they’re not somebody else’s. Well here’s another little fun fact. In taking advantage of my God given right as a female, I also love shopping.

Now before you conjure disappointing visions of me, my arms loaded up with shopping bags, piles of shoe boxes obscuring my vision as I blindly grope for the mall exit, get your mind out of the gutter. Rather I am the most vicious, merciless, and yet economical shopper of all… the bargain shopper. Ruthlessly, I frequent thrift shops, outlet stores, and bargain bins seeking the most designer-ish thing, in the smallest size, at the lowest price. Normally, I would take this opportunity to expand on my shopping experiences and philosophies, but I can’t think of anything that hasn’t already been said by Macklemore and Ryan Lewis.

Unfortunately, for me, I now face the most cruel time of year, the holidays. Most of the items that I actually want are unavailable, and the few that are, are priced at astronomical levels with no sign of seeing a drop until January. Also, the stores are crowded. That’s right, weekend warrior types emerge from every bridge, tunnel and ghetto, descending, not just on shopping malls, but on my hole-in the-wall best kept secrets.

It is times like these when I call upon all hardcore shoppers…”Know Thy Enemy!!” In this trying time, there are a few people out to make your shopping experience a potential disaster. But not if you’re prepared to look out for these shopping pariahs and know what to do when you are forced to deal with them.

The Pusher

So you are dealing with a crowded rack of clothing, but you have just muscled out a spot for yourself where you can maneuver your clothing a couple of inches across the rack for, if not optimal viewing pleasure, well at least it’s doable. Then SHE comes along. At the other side of the rack, she also carves out a niche for herself, minimizing your window into non existence.
At this point, you are well within your rights to push back, while even including a scowl or an eye roll. She is the one being inconsiderate and I highly doubt she will resort to a cat fight, tumbling through the narrow racks of retail. After all, you break it, you buy it.

The Overloader

You’re making your way through the racks, perhaps you’ve picked up 2 or 3 garments which may or may not suit your fancy, a very unsatisfying and somewhat disappointing shopping excursion, thus far. Then SHE comes along, her arms laden with more items then one would think humanly possible. Tornado-like, she careens through the aisles leaving strewn clothing, broken hangers and innocent bystanders fallen in her wake. And to make matters worse, she has just dumped her entire pile on the floor to try on a pair of shoes.
It is clear this woman has left all reason and sensibility at the door if she ever had any at all. There is only one course of action to take…RUN AND HIDE FOR GOODNESS SAKE!! There is no reasoning with this woman!┬áSteer clear and be lucky to escape with your life. A closet of unworn clothing, possible injury, and bankruptcy will be her own downfall.

The Giver

You’re innocently minding your own business, enjoying your shopping experience when SHE comes along. Usually an older woman, she holds out the most hideous garment you have ever laid your eyes on, and insists that it is made for you and that you must try it on.
However embarrassing it may be, you have no choice but to carry this garment through the store with you, at least until you reach the dressing room. Believe it or not, if you make it this far, and then run into the woman and are caught sans garment, she probably will not question you, but if she does, an ill fit is always a good excuse and one that can’t be argued with, But if you really want to amuse yourself and cut things off from the get go, you can just tell her that you have one just like it at home.

Good luck, happy holidays, and merry shopping!

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