I Sold My Soul To The Devil And Now He Wants A Refund

I had been here before, a long time ago,
Where I knew he would appear again,
He said “I see you are ready to do some bargaining,
What will it be this time my friend?
I can grant you all the best things in life,
Money and clothes so fine,
A voice like a dove, fingers of gold,
If only your soul would be mine.”

And so a life I lead so amazing,
I could scarcely believe,
Knowing all the time what was awaiting me,
For what I had achieved.
When came the day of reckoning,
And down to the pit I would descend,
Waiting to suffer for all eternity,
The price I would pay in the end.

And the heat it was hot, and the people were mean,
And the days were full of torture and pain,
So I thought I’d go directly to Satan himself every day,
To bitterly complain.
I said, “How do you put up with this heat?”
I said “The people here really suck!”
I said “My soul is worth more than this!
This is no kind of deal, now I’m stuck!”

And the devil he tried to avoid me,
But I can be pretty persistent,
He said, “Look lady, a deals a deal.”
But I became very insistent.
Until one day steam came from his ears,
And his horns began to twitch,
And he called among the highest orders,
“Save me from this bitch!”

He said I could keep my money,
He said I could keep my fancy home,
He said I could keep the all the fineries,
If I’d just leave him alone.
And he looked up to the heavens and said,
“You want her? Come retrieve her!”
But I guess it was no small surprise,
They didn’t want me either.

And they even pointed to the fine print,
And said “The deals been done,
No refunds or exchanges after 30 days,
And it’s been 31.”
So there was only one thing left to do,
To stick me in a private suite,
Roomy and air conditioned,
Nothing short of heavenly.

And at my insistence, a sign on the door,
Of the digs where I would eternally dwell,
‘The devil’s finally met his match,
This bitch sure can raise some hell!”

http://dailypost.wordpress.com/dp_writing_challenge/build-your-own/

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Crossroads

They say he’d been here before, a long time ago,
But now with a new determination,
He was ready to do what he would have to do,
To become a blues guitar sensation.

And so he returned to Rosedale,
But now with fingers of gold,
And everyone swore it was a pact with the devil,
Bought in return for his soul.

But perhaps I am too cynical,
Of myths and fables I’d just as soon disregard,
But I’ll say he simply went off to his room,
And practiced really hard.

http://dailypost.wordpress.com/dp_writing_challenge/build-your-own/

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I Suffer In Silence

My daughter’s birthday hand in hand,
With memories of Legoland,
A broken shoe, a bag forgotten,
Could not make my memories rotten.
A hotel room where it would be sheer luck,
To escape lice and bed bugs,
And my patience wearing thin,
With all the lines that we stood in.
But all this would barely matter,
My daughter’s happiness I would rather,
Nor did it dampen the spirits of our foursome,
Lest we think it any less than awesome.
But my soul with Satan I’ll secretly haggle,
To see this place drowned in Kragle.

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The Fart Trio

For my daughter it is long and low and can be almost fruitile,
From my son a toot from his boot can often become brutal,
When my husband’s at it, there’s such an awful smell,
You would think that Satan himself blessed him with the bowels or hell.
And when I give them all some beans, it almost sounds symphonic
All good and well although the smell’s catastrophically atomic.

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Moi? Blogger Of The Year?

So yesterday something wonderful happened to me…twice. I was nominated Blogger of the Year…twice!

I know when you get these nominations the protocol is to…well let’s just say it’s a bit complicated as apparently it involves cutting and pasting html, links that are actually supposed to work and look presentable, and nominating your own set of bloggers for the award.

As a woman over 40 years old (I know, I know, I don’t look it do I?) these things just don’t come naturally to me. I am simply not part of this technologically advanced generation. And as for making nominations of my own, equally as stressful, as I simply can not fathom who to put in, who to leave out, who needs the mention more than the others, and who simply would not care whether I mentioned them or not.

So the first thing I want to do is thank the two bloggers who nominated me. The first is Sparrow http://spacemonkeytwins.wordpress.com/. Sparrow’s blogs would be worth checking out for her amazing water colors alone, but what amazes me about Sparrow is that her subject manner and presentation can be so simple (a baby’s tooth, a walk in the park) yet she manages to bring her blogs to life in such vivid detail. I almost feel like I have held her darling Space Monkey Twins a thousand times.

You can also join my other nominator on her site One In A Million Baby, http://theoneinamillionbaby.wordpress.com/ and follow her through a journey which includes a pregnancy fraught with complications as well as all the other joys and obstacles of motherhood. Tessa speaks with a clear intelligent voice and presents smart opinions which make you laugh, cry and think.

I would also like to take this opportunity to thank the followers who actually do follow and read my blog, the followers who no longer read my blog, but did not delete me, sparing me the depression of watching those numbers fall (cause kharmas a biatch, yo), my family who has put up with me making fun of them in so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so many blogs, and of course, more than anything, I would like to thank Satan without whom none of this would be possible.

I would also like to mention that since winning these awards, I will be answering only to the name Her Majesty Rock N’ Roll Supermom. Also, my appearance may change radically due to all the botox and plastic surgery my agent has advised me to get. Also, now that I will be so overwhelmed by feedback, bloggers that do not immediately get a response in my comment section may email me privately for an autographed picture. Thank you.

My Agent

My Agent

 

http://theoneinamillionbaby.wordpress.com/2014/03/07/they-love-me-they-really-love-me/

http://spacemonkeytwins.wordpress.com/2014/03/06/my-gosh-blog-of-the-year-award/

23 Things You Should Do Before You’re 23

So over the weekend Suzie81 wrote a blog about another blog, 23 Things To Do Instead of Getting Engaged Before You’re 23. I had never heard of the original blog, but apparently, the girl who wrote this blog got called a slut and a whore for writing about alternative activities she would partake in rather than getting engaged before turning 23. Also, apparently, this girl’s blog went viral. In the meantime, I can’t seem to get arrested in this town. So taking the point of view that all publicity is good publicity, here’s my list but it’s late so I don’t think I’ll get to 23. Bring it on bitches!!

1. Sleep with at least 10 people
2. Go out without any underwear
3. Strip in a strip club
4.Hang out with Miley Cyrus
5.Go through a goth phase
6. Go through a heavy metal phase
7. Go through a punk phase (complete with green hair, a mohawk, and piercings)
8. Get rip roaring drunk and throw up on your neighbors lawn
9. Sniff glue
10. Worship Satan

http://wanderonwards.com/2013/12/30/23-things-to-do-instead-of-getting-engaged-before-youre-23/

http://suzie81.wordpress.com/2014/01/04/23-things-you-should-actually-do-before-youre-23/

(blogged, trashed, revised, reblogged, thank you)