Botched Botox Blues

I thought that I was getting an
Injection near my mouth
I never did expect it when
It all just traveled south
And though my lips don’t pucker so
Who’s really gonna snicker
Because although my mouth may sag
My boobs are looking bigger

Chorus:

They say it ain’t malpractice
So I can’t really sue
Guess that I’ll just settle
For those botched botox blues

So next they told me that I’d need
Some filler near my eyes
I wear now an expression that’s
Of permanent surprise
My eyebrows look a bit like Spock
My smiles a bit spastic
But I guess that’s the price you pay
When your completely plastic

Chorus

Bridge:

Hoping someone thought my son
Would look more like my brother
Instead it turns out that I look
More like Joan River’s mother

I’m shocked that they don’t cut me off
Cause it should be illegal
I’m sucked and plucked and overtucked
Can’t even feel the needle
I’ve bumps and lumps and red spots and
My wallets getting thin
And once it heals I have to do it
All over again

Chorus

Thank you all for reading my articles but I think maybe some of you may be missing my poetry. I really haven’t been writing poems much but I have some song lyrics I’ll be publishing over the next few days. I’m thinking of starting a band with female musicians of a certain age called The Angsty Old Ladies. These are the lyrics to one of the songs. I’m actually not sure I’ll be able to get the band off the ground due to certain logistics problems, but it will sure be fun writing the lyrics.

The Royal Family of Rock

My latest Geeks of Doom article published yesterday. It’s about another family rock band that’s actually playing The Troubadour with us tomorrow night (can I get a holla from my L.A. peeps?). You can read it here.

The Godmother of The Lower East Side

No, It’s not me…ha, ha! I would have loved that status but missed my chance when I moved to L.A. ….not that anyone would have been likely to induct me anyway. Well, here is my actual interview for the week about a really amazing woman who supports the arts and tries to keep the NY scene alive. You can read it here.

Mommy And Daddy Worship Satan-Official Music Video

Folks! You’ve read the poem,you’ve seen the band, you’ve heard the music…now here it is, the official music video! (Lyrics below for those who haven’t already read them a thousand times).

I hoped they wouldn’t notice but
My friends suspicion’s roused
They ask me why I never let them
Come play at my house
It looks as if I may have to
Invite them to my home
And pray dad doesn’t greet then when
He’s wearing his black robe

The coast is clear they wonder what
The worry on my face meant
When suddenly a chanting starts
To rise up from the basement
Why can’t I be a normal kid
It’s so much less complex
To say I think it’s just my mom
And father having sex

My mother says “I guess I just
Don’t get your generation”
And that’s what life is like when mom
And daddy worship Satan.

And before I know it they
Are running to explore
And follow the odd noises that
Are coming from the floor
And soon they find my parents
In their favorite recreation
Conjuring up spirits in
An evil incantation

And daddy says “Oh visitors
Well isn’t that just nice?”
I hope he doesn’t think them virgins
To be sacrificed
But mom ignores my gestures and
She sports an evil grin her
Mouth waters as she says “We’re happy
To have you for dinner!”

I fear they will accept her offer
And agree to stay
Do they not know she means to have them
As the main entree?
I’m just about to tell them run
But briefly I think twice
A break from eye of newt and toe
Of frog would sure be nice

My mother says “I guess I just
Don’t get your generation”
And that’s what life is like when mom
And daddy worship Satan.

Mommy and Daddy Worship Satan

 

I hoped they wouldn’t notice but
My friends suspicion’s roused
They ask me why I never let them
Come play at my house
It looks as if I may have to
Invite them to my home
And pray dad doesn’t greet then when
He’s wearing his black robe

The coast is clear they wonder what
The worry on my face meant
When suddenly a chanting starts
To rise up from the basement
Why can’t I be a normal kid
It’s so much less complex
To say I think it’s just my mom
And father having sex

My mother says “I guess I just
Don’t get your generation”
And that’s what life is like when mom
And daddy worship Satan.

And before I know it they
Are running to explore
And follow the odd noises that
Are coming from the floor
And soon they find my parents
In their favorite recreation
Conjuring up spirits in
An evil incantation

And daddy says “Oh visitors
Well isn’t that just nice?”
I hope he doesn’t think them virgins
To be sacrificed
But mom ignores my gestures and
She sports an evil grin her
Mouth waters as she says “We’re happy
To have you for dinner!”

I fear they will accept her offer
And agree to stay
Do they not know she means to have them
As the main entree?
I’m just about to tell them run
But briefly I think twice
A break from eye of newt and toe
Of frog would sure be nice

My mother says “I guess I just
Don’t get your generation”
And that’s what life is like when mom
And daddy worship Satan.

This is the second single release from my family band The CheeseBergens. I actually wrote this as a poem some months back and edited it a bit for the song version. Hope you enjoy! Also, if you care to make a donation, all proceeds will go directly to The Rock School Scholarship Fund.

My Mom Will Probably Kill Me

I don’t want to do my homework today
My mom will probably kill me
I don’t care what she say
I know she’ll probably kill me
Luke and Lea
Dragon slayers
Rock n’ roll and
XBox consoles
My mom will probably kill me
Today

I don’t wanna go to school today
My mom will probably kill me
I don’t care what she say
I know she’ll probably kill me
Surf the net
TV set
I just wanna
Listen to Nirvana
My mom will probably kill me
Today

I don’t wanna be good today
My mom will probably kill me
I don’t care what she say
I know she’ll probably kill me
Guess I’m just
Misunderstood
If I’m bad or
If I’m good
My mom will probably kill me
Today
I know she’ll probably kill me
Anyway

This is the first release from my band The CheeseBergens. Hope you enjoy. You can listen to the song for free or if you want to make a donation, all proceeds will be donated to The Rock School Scholarship Fund. http://rockschoolfund.org/ Thanks.

 

Do It With Cheese

There really ain’t no other way I like to grill it
When I got some frozen patties in my skillet
I’m down to eat a salad or scarf up grease
But there’s just one way to serve it that’s gonna please
I don’t care if it’s in slices or an easy squeeze just do it
But do it with cheese!

Now you might say you’re lactose intolerant
But I say just suck it up or go get bent
Cause if your tummy hurts then I say oh please
Go wash it down with Tums or some antifreeze
This is how we roll and if you want a piece then do it
But do it with cheese!

When they see me coming they don’t need to guess
If I want cheese with that cause the answer is yes
I need the gooey stuff and that’s for sure
I don’t care if it’s costin’ me 50 cents more

Cheese is the stuff of life and you can’t refute
If you think you’re gaining weight then stop eating fruit
Cause life it too short to sweat the calories
So you best start clogging up all those arteries
Live fast and die of cardiovascular disease just do it
But do it with cheese!

Please enjoy song lyrics and video footage from our gig on Saturday night. I know it’s very dark but hopefully you get the idea! And you can like us on Facebook at this link:https://www.facebook.com/TheCheesebergens/?ref=aymt_homepage_panel

Pop Star

She thought she’s do a solo project
Thought she’d lose the clowns
Who stifled her creatively
And only weighed her down

Regurgitated some old riffs
And no one would be wiser
If she added drum machines
And a synthesizer

Wore a see through jumpsuit that
Was made of fishnet mesh
Sequined grapes covered her crotch
Some pasties at the breasts

Learned some simple hip hop moves
To keep up with the fad
Hired dancers that seemed not
To make her look too bad

And even though not needed they
Thought it most opportune
To make it more commercial by
Adding some autotune

And when they’d ask ’bout her new stuff
She’d call it country funk
With classical and jazz thrown in
Of course a bit of punk

But soon enough the jig was up
As she climbed to the top
She’d given up, surrendered to
Be labeled simply pop

And in just a few years from now
Your kids prob’ly won’t get
The irony of what they find
Scrolling the internet

And finding the old pictures will
They ever understand
Why that pop star looks just like the girl
Who played in that rock band

Strange Bedfellows

You must look out for Cupid and
Make sure you’re aware of
What he may do on the 14th
When we’re looking for love

He’s not exactly evil maybe
Just a little twisted
I hear he’s got his arrows and
He’s looking to make mischief

This year he’s on the warpath or
At least that’s what I heard
So beware all you sluts cause you
Might end up with a nerd

And all the goody two shoes might
Wind up with those who sin
I hear he’s pairing meat eaters
With vegetarians!

Republicans with Democrats
And if that doesn’t vex
He’s also putting Star Wars fans
With those who like Star Trek

The young ones with the old ones and
The skinnies with the fats
He’s even getting dog people
With partners that love cats

Leos with Aquarius
And if that’s not a shock
I hear there’s rappers hooking up
With people who like rock!

So look out for the 15th’s awkward
Breakfast conversation
That Cupid can do funny things
And so can desperation

What Would Lemmy Do?

Lemmy he don’t really walk on water
But he just might sleep with your daughter
Aint’ gonna save your soul
He might save rock n’ roll

He came to earth on a motorcycle
And when he did he chose his disciples
Then they went to rehearsal
Fast Eddie Clarke and Wurzel

Chorus
What would Lemmy do
What would Lemmy do
What would Lemmy do
Whatever it is he’d do it better than you

Lemmy’ll save us from terrorist attacks
With just a pipe and a shot of jack
He don’t use no nukes
He wears his daisy dukes

And Lemmy he might never make it to heaven
He’s got a Marshall amp that goes to 11
Try nailing him on a cross
And he’ll tell you to get lost (f*** off)

Bridge:
But Lemmy, he’s a good man
He’d give you the shirt of his back
He can make the starving a feast
From a burger and a shot of Jack
And when he speaks wisdom comes
That is so true so amazing
It frees your soul though you admit
You’ve no freaking clue what he’s saying

Lemmy wasn’t born in 4 B.C
It was a few years later you see
And now he’s living in sin
With Mary Magdelene

And there was no immaculate conception
He’s probably on his third resurrection
He’s comin’ back from the dead
To tour with Motorhead

These are song lyrics from our family band The Cheesebergens about our lord and savior Lemmy Kilmister. For those unfamiliar I am including a clip from his documentary.