My Girl Left Me For Satan

My girl left me for Satan
She said it was transcendental
When she saw him at the potluck
At the New Satanic Temple
Well she left me with the dog and I
Am cooking all my food
But I guess I must admit that he’s
One charismatic dude

Chorus:

My girl left me for Satan
And I guess it’s just as well
Though it’ll be kind of awkward when
We’re all burning in hell

Well it just ain’t been the same now that
My life became unfurled
Since my baby left me for the king
Of the underworld
I’m tired and I’m beat up and
Well most of all I’m bored
And I’m strongly thinking I should just
Go and worship the lord

Chorus

Well he stole my soul and now I guess
He stole my girlfriend too
But I guess the bathroom mirror should
Have given me a clue
Cause the steam don’t cover lipstick
And the truth is rather mean
But it’s very clearly written there
Says, ‘Satan loves Erlene!’

Chorus

I’m strongly considering forming a Satanic country band. Who’s in?

Damned If You Do…

I’m getting sick of Mary’s selfies
Who’s she think she is
I’m getting sick of Violet’s nonstop
Pictures of her kids

And Danny with his attitude well
He deserves a punch
And thanks but I don’t want to see
What Linda had for lunch

Don’t really want to hear Faye’s Af-
firmations or reflections
Or see all Grace and Justin’s public
Displays of affection

And Sal we know you love your dog
More than words can say
There’s no need to remind us of that
Every single day

And Micah’s updates range from simply
Boring to mundane
And Val, just post a picture once
Your weight loss goal’s attained

Don’t want to know how much Kaye’s daughter
Loves the One Direction
Or watch the Blake’s soap opera unfold
In the comments section

And Jenna rants political
And Jon is downright odd
And Donna I don’t think I need
To go get right with God

And Dan’s son is the next Cobain
So he’d have you believe
As Miles posts up articles
That no one ever reads

But nobody has problems with
What I post on my wall
Of course that just might be because
I never post at all.

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The Bar Mitzvah Song (With Music Video)

Little Abel Rochenschwarz
Is all dressed in his suit
His yamika is on his head
They say he’s looking cute
He memorized his ayliyah
Who knows how long it took
His mother beams at him and says
“You had me at baruch”
But we all know it’s gonna be a hitsvah
I hope you have a great Bar Mitzvah

And then into the hall comes all
Of his Bar Mitzvah guests
As if competing for who’s who
Of whose nose job is best
Little Stacey Mandlebaum
Has drained her glass again
It seems that she has got a taste
For the kosher champagne
She’s on the dance floor shaking like a shiksah
I hope you have a good bar Mitzvah

There’s Manichewitz flowing like it
Is the holy manna
The dance floors packed the deejay busts out
With Copa Cabana

Then Mr. Smith is asked if he
Would like to dance the hora
Fists raised he says “just what the hell
You say’n’ bout my daughter?”
But then the conga line starts up
Let by Ms. Annie Rosen
Stuffed like a kosher sausage into
The latest Zac Posen
And little Abel’s staring and her titsvah
I hope you have a good bar mitzvah

And we all know it’s gonna be the shitzvah
I hope you have a great Bar Mitzvah

So I’m reblogging with the video. Sorry I made a lot of mistakes but oh well…hope the song gets across at any rate. Also, thanks to Michael at Spahr Plops for the inspired last line.

 

Resurrection Misperception

Every year they wait for me
And my divine perfection
They speak of the spring day when I
Will have my resurrection

But they don’t realize that they need
Not to wait anymore
For here I am this year just like
The many years before

I guess my form is disguised so
They barely do detect
Since I don’t really look like what
They have come to expect

One year I was granola formed
In a yogurt parfait
The girl just said “That looks like Christ”
And ate me anyway

Another time I came back as
A big filthy cockroach
Another as burnt offerings
On someone’s well done toast

A homeless man with shopping cart
And cardboard sign and cup
I tried to speak the scripture and
They tried to lock me up

Once as a punk with combat boots
Hair spiked every which way
The psalms did not fit to the tune of
‘Anarchy in the U.K.’

A street hustler out making deals
On cheap Armani suits
A worm, a rat, a sunflower and
Transvestite prostitute

And so each year I cringe to think
Of my wordly reunion
‘Is that the same mouth that you use
When you’re taking communion?’

But maybe this year will surpass
How other years have been
Perhaps this year I will come back
As a Kardashian

No goofy comment about coming back to life as a house cat!

No goofy comment about coming back to life as a house cat!

If Santa Was Jewish

If Santa was Jewish
When he came to call
You’d serve Manischevitz
And some matzah balls

He’d ride in a Caddy
From New York to Tuscon
And give the kids toys
He’d buy with a coupon

And carry them all
In his oversized sack
That read Minka’s Deli
Then say “Oy, my back”

He’d place the toys down
By the fireplace floor
And turn with a moron
And walk out the door

Because Jewish Santa
Just doesn’t do chimneys
But mutters about them
Being too flimsy

“To reindeer he’d call out
On Moshe, on Schlomy
On Dovid, on Avi
On Ruth, on Naomi

To the top of the porch
Come on you old herd
We may make it back
For the end of Goldbergs”

Then he’d drive off munching
A bagel and schmear
And say “Oy, I’m glad that’s done
Until next year.”

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To My Son On His Bar Mitzvah

Son today does mark the day
According to God’s plan
That a babe you are no more
You have become a man

So words of wisdom are your gift
And take it from none other
Because who would know better than
Your dear old Jewish mother

Go ahead eat pork and ham
Look at me, I’m plotzing
But never pick your nose in shul
Cause you know God is watching

And celebrate the joys in life
Like schmears and matzoh balls
And getting a good parking spot
On Sundays at the mall

(Cousin Sherry always thought
It was a mitzvah omen
If she got found an open space
Somewhere near the Loehmann’s)

And travel far and travel wide
And travel the world over
(And be sure to drop by at your
Aunt Minnie’s down in Boca)

But one word in all languages
You must know without fail
More so than bathroom, water, money
Son, that word is ‘sale’.

I know you’ll meet some ladies when
You’re traveling the world
But when you fin’lly settle down
With a nice Jewish girl

I’lll have to just accept the fact
I’m not the only one
And who could blame her if she loves
My handsome doctor son

So maybe one day you’ll stop by
Probably when you feel
Like you really need to eat
A home cooked decent meal

And when I’m sure that your won’t starve
You’ll come sit on the couch
Take off the plastic cov’ring, wipe
The schmootz off of your mouth

And then after a bit you’ll say
You should get back to her
But you know you’ll always be
My little bubbeleh.

Happy Birthday Jesse!

Here’s a video of my son performing Slayer’s South of Heaven. Something tells me the doctor thing just ain’t gonna happen.

AC/DC In The BC

Did you tell you mom you thought
Her make up was terrific
Write your boyfriend’s name in hearts
In Roman hieroglyphics

Ask them if they thought it was
A sin against the Torah
If you had strange feelings back in
Sodom and Gomorrah

Draw rainbows with a thin reed pen
‘Til it ran out of ink
Request your tunic belted and
In shades of deepest pink

Did you go down to the beach
Most every single night
Say how your folks don’t get you to
The hip Israelites

Ask why your voice was getting deep
And your chest so hairy
Cause you look more like a Joseph but
Identified as Mary

Think of all the tactful ways
With upmost etiquette
To come out of a closet that’s
Not been invented yet

You curse the weight you had to bear
Because it’s plain to see
Twas no fun being AC/DC
Back In the BC

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If I Were Moses’ Mother

Of all stories in the Bible
I really must quip
As to whether God and Moses
had a healthy relationship
And to analyze
this matter even further
What would I say
if I was Moses’ mother?

Admittedly it would be
hard to understand it
After freeing the Jews and the business
with the 10 Commandments
I’d probably want to know
what he thought there was to it
And ask him, “If God asked you to jump off a bridge
would you do it?”

I’d say “You are a person
of your own free will!
You keep hanging out with that God boy,
you’ll get yourself killed!
Nothing good will come of it,
he’ll lead you on the road to ruin!
Why don’t you go see
what that nice Satan boy is doing?”

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The Agony And The Ecstasy of The DMV

Here I stand at the DMV,
And I must say it’s a sight to see,
That under the sickly glow of fluorescent light,
All people of the world unite.

To create a lovely vision,
Of every world, class and religion,
Ages range from young to old,
As if a rainbow might unfold.

And though a sense of community could be thriving,
Based on this common skill of driving,
The bond that holds us here is this,
We’re all completely fuckin’ pissed.

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Passover For Dummies

The Pharaoh came from Egypt and said,
“Have you heard the news?
Holy freakin’ crap- We’re being
over run by Jews!
There’s gotta be a better way,
Something must be done!
I know what were gonna do!
We’ll kill their first born sons!”

I guess their plan would have worked,
But Jesus, Mary, Joseph!
A badass Jewish son was born,
His mother named him Moses.
She sent him down the river so,
That she could save his life,
Unfortunately he was found
By the Pharaoh’s wife.

I guess he looked Goyish enough,
Or no one looked to hard,
They got tipped off when he killed,
An Egyptian guard.
Then Moses said “Oh no, Some heavy
Shit be goin’ down,
I better go and take my ass, and
Run it out of town!”

Maybe he drank bad cactus juice,
Or his brain turned to mush,
When he saw God talk to him from,
Inside a burning bush.
He said “You have to save the Jews!
There really is no other.
Here take this guy, bet you didn’t
know I have a brother.”

Moses went to get the Jews,
But Egypt nearly flipped,
So God set out to curse them,
With some heavy fucked up shit.
Frogs and lice, blood and disease,
Locusts and freezing rain,
But it passed over all  the Jews,
That’s right, hence the name.

 They took off for the desert fast,
Or soon they would be dead,
But before they went, they said
“Hey, let’s bake some bread!”
They saw that was a bad idea,
They had to make it fast, see-”
So that’s why it was kind of flat,
And tasted pretty nasty.

Egyptians were hot on their trail,
Ready for the slaughter,
But the Jews were in good shape,
Till they encountered water.
They knew it was all over and,
The end was near for sho’!
Till Moses said, “I’ll show you all,
A neat trick that I know.”

So he parted the water and,
The Jews they did escape,
But not so much for Egyptians,
They met their watery fate.
The Jews had a good laugh at this,
But God made them think twice,
And now Passover they recall,
That  wasn’t very nice.

But there’s a happy ending here,
To this first Passover,
The Jews soon found the promised land,
I think they call it Boca.

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And that kids…is the story of Passover.

image credit: houseofgeekery.com

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