The Misanthrope’s Lament

I think from those I better run
Who call me sweetie, dear or hun
And some more who take the cake
Liars, hypocrites and flakes
Bratty kids on my playdates
The vain and the forever late
I also would strongly oppose
Those who pick their teeth and nose
Those who think they’ve all the answers
Show apparent lack of manners
The slow to answer texts and calls
And those who get back not at all
Those who aren’t very bright
And swing too far to left or right
And then I find it quite repelling
Those who lack grammar and spelling
The mean, the picky, the conformists
I’d go on the list’s enormous
Yet I stand lone and bereft
Only to find there’s no one left

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Annoying Ed

Annoying Ed everyone dreads
And practices avoiding
Social interaction cause
He’s just too darn annoying

But I took pity on the guy
Sought opportunity
As I thought ” Oh just really how
annoying could he be?”

We went out to the movies
He talked all the way through
Spoiling the whole plot line
Dont’ ask me how he knew

He had a funny way of kind of
Whistling when he breathed
Then he spent the night extracting
Popcorn from his teeth

Though he was trying on my nerves
I swore we’d hang again
But none too soon when the phone rang
On Sunday 6 AM

He said “Hey, you want to hang out
Maybe shoot the breeze?
I thought that we could go meet up
Down by the Chuck E Cheese.”

And though not quite the manner I would
Choose to spend my day
I felt bad so I found what Ed
Had on his resume

His legs fidgeted up and down
Bit his nails to the quick
He hummed merrily to himself
Hocked loogies up and spit

He laughed too loudly and too long
I thought I’d lose my mind
When he told the hamster story
For the 7th time

Then we went to get some food
The waiter brought my plate
Ed helped himself to a huge bite
Of my chocolate cake

Chewed it with an open mouth
Then came to the assertion
That he just really wasn’t
Much a chocolate person

Smoke it came out from my ears
My eyes were seeing red
I came across the table and
I nearly strangled Ed

I said “I can not take you Ed
I’m afraid we’re through
On account there is no one quite
Annoying as you.”

And into the fresh air I went
Blissfully alone
Although as I walked off I heard
Him talk into his phone

And though I was so filled with rage
And my mind in a blur
Distinctly did he say “Thank God
I’m finally rid of her!”

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Roommate Wanted!!

I’m looking for a roommate,
Not looking for a friend,
I can’t find anybody,
I’m reaching my wit’s end.

The last roommate I had,
I didn’t see too often,
She liked to hang upside down,
And sleep in a coffin.

The one I had before that,
She liked to stay up late,
And tell me the insipid,
Details of her dates.

And one had 90 cats,
And one that never cleaned,
And one that never paid the rent,
And one was downright mean.

I’m looking for a roommate,
Is it too much to assume,
There are any normal people,
Looking for a room.

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The Agony And The Ecstasy of The DMV

Here I stand at the DMV,
And I must say it’s a sight to see,
That under the sickly glow of fluorescent light,
All people of the world unite.

To create a lovely vision,
Of every world, class and religion,
Ages range from young to old,
As if a rainbow might unfold.

And though a sense of community could be thriving,
Based on this common skill of driving,
The bond that holds us here is this,
We’re all completely fuckin’ pissed.

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Couples Therapy

There are certain realities you need to accept in order to make a relationship work. The first one was passed down to me by my dear old grandmother and I have always thought it to be true: “Men and women are natural enemies”. After 12 years of marriage I think I can embellish on this with my own offering, “All men are stupid and all women are crazy”.

Now of course I know all men aren’t really stupid. There are plenty of men who run successful companies, solve complicated algebraic equations, and can teach Albert Einstein a thing or two about the Theories of Relativity. But show me a man who can coordinate a shopping list for his family that is both healthy and economical, successfully acquire every item on that list and put it away in it’s proper cabinet. Show me a man who can do the laundry without shoving one of your dresses in a drawer and putting your daughter’s panties in with your underwear. Show me a man who always thinks before he let’s an insensitive comment come out of his mouth. Show me that man because my Aunt Lydia has a son that’s single…(not that there’s anything wrong with that.)
Women, on the other hand, can be considered volatile, short tempered and fickle. Of course this is all par for the course when she has just worked all day, taken care of the family, and now she can’t find the mayonnaise, has to resort the laundry, not to mention that her husband just told her that on second thought those jeans actually do make her hips look kind of wide.
Okay, so after writing this blog, I realize I have been somewhat unfair to the opposite sex. After all, I have somewhat justified a woman’s insanity as they are her reactions to her partner’s behavior, (although, to be fair these reactions may include chasing said partner with the kitchen knife or breaking the glass coffee table in the living room (ooooh….so specific…do you think I’ve ever??)) while I haven’t justified a man’s stupidity whatsoever!
But the truth is, all this makes perfect sense when you consider two more facts you need to accept to ensure happiness.1)  The woman is always right. 2) In order for a relationship to be successful, a man must be completely, utterly  and unequivocally scared to death of his wife.
Free of charge…Your welcome!