NJ Metal Band Fires Drummer For Not Knowing All Metal Subgenres

It’s been a while since I’ve written for Geeks of Doom, but when they posted something about needing Onion style articles for April Fool’s Day…. I couldn’t resist. Here is the link to the article:


BTW, the picture is of my son’s band, but the article is fiction. What can I say? I needed an image and…where else was I gonna find such an appropriate bunch of goofballs?

Once Bitten, Twice Shire

For all that are interested, my next Geeks of Doom article can be read here. It should hold the interest of anyone who was interested in the 80’s hair metal scene which was a pretty fun time in L.A. Shire is my brother in law’s band and this is a picture of him with Guns N’ Roses Izzy Stradlin before he was famous.


Memories Of A Not So Free Festival

She set off to Coachella with
Some flowers in her hair
And 30 pairs of jean shorts in
The 3 days each she’d wear

To cavort with the great unwashed
In land of milk and honey
Who also bought their passes with
Their daddy’s hard earned money

And much more to buy water, henna
Tattoos for her body
Seeks fleeting glimpses at romance
Inside a porta potty

Her iPhone at the ready cause
Her trip ain’t worth a damn
If she can’t post up selfies of it
On to Instagram

She’s pissed because she lost her favorite
Pair of black sunglasses
Distracted to the point she may have
Ate the yellow acid

And in harsh light of Monday to
Suburban home she’s crawling
Sure she’s summoned to a higher
Spiritual calling

And so it goes, I would say
A good 6, 7 days
What here to now on shall be known
As her Moonbeam phase

When asked about the music clear
She barely understands
Furrows her pretty brow and asks
“You mean, there were bands?”

Inspired by the Coachella festival which took place in California’s Coachella Valley the past two weekends. This is not meant to typify everybody that goes to these things.


The Muses Are At It Again

All my nine muses sat so sweet
A pretty row there at my feet
And to those dear girls I did say
“What should we write about today?”

Calliope said “To please aesthetics
Let’s make this no less than epic”
To which Clio said “Oh please
Those no one has the time to read
Though you would find me most euphoric
If we chose a theme historic”

Erato yawned said “Boring, boring
Who’s up for a little whoring
We know sex sells, so why bicker
I’ve a wetness in my knickers”

“All you think about is sex!
Let’s consult a religious text
I feel a need for veneration
Do your best to leave out Satan
For your mortal soul I’ll pray”
So Polyhymnia had her say

Then Melpomene said “Enough girls
With all the sadness in the world
Let’s write one so they’ll end up crying
I’m thinking say, some puppies dying”

“How could we write ’bout such things
I’d so much rather dance and sing”
“Oh Terpischore let’s make it plain
You dance just like Seinfeld’s Elaine

Oh doesn’t everybody see
We’ll likely go with comedy”
Said Thalia sporting a smug grin
Urania whined “You always win”

Thalia said “Your whining pains us
How ’bout some jokes about Uranus!”
“And some music?” Euterpe crooned
And Clio said “You’re out of tune!”

Then such a sight, I live and breath
As Euterpe pulled at Clio’s weave
The claws were out most horrifying
Fake nails, underwear went flying

Thalia made a ninja move
Then punched Erato in the boob
So from the room I made a sprint
As someone screamed “Oh no you didn’t!”

But don’t you know this awful fighting
Happens often when I’m writing
Every time there is a doubt
Of what I want to write about

So your reading experience might make more sense, here is a brief summary of The Muses:

Calliope – epic poetry

Clio- history
Erato – eroticism
Euterpe – music
Polyhymnia – religion, hymns
Melpomene – tragedy
Terpischore- dancing and singing
Thalia -comedy
Urania – astrology and astronomy
Thanks to Aquileana at La Audacia de Aqulies for the information and inspiration.

Cover Band Man

Step down old man, step down, step down,
Cause there’s a fresh face here in town,
He’s cool, he’s hot, he’s now, he’s new,
He does your schtick better than you.

He tours the world he’s got it made,
I hear he’s even getting laid,
By a whole group of hot, young chicks,
Who come while looking at your pics.

They wonder if you’re still alive,
He’s running through your life’s archive,
It doesn’t take long to discover,
That the music this guy covers,
Clearly wins popular vote,
As the best stuff you ever wrote.

And now it is so clear to see,
You’re not the man you used to be,
You can’t compete, you’ll only loose,
A cover band man fills your shoes.

Who will never know the hindrances,
Drama or creative differences,
Or have everyone sing the tune,
Of crap you wrote in your bedroom.

But play the verses to the letter,
Just like you and sometimes better,
And you wish you had only knew,
How fun it could be to be you.

Inspired by on online conversation I had with Mark Bialczak,  http://markbialczak.com/author/markbialczak/


And So The Caged Bird Sings

His lyrics and his music,
All repeats of the same,
And after so many years,
Even he admits it’s lame.

But still before the cheering fans,
He lifts up his guitar,
And plays the same notes nightly,
That make him want to barf.

The last album was dismal,
The one before was worse,
His fleeting inspiration,
Stands before him like a curse.

The simplistic rhythms,
The melodramatic rhymes,
Of being vexed with the sonic hex,
Of playing Freebird one more time.