You Think You Want To Be A Witch

I see the disappointed faces
As they stare at me
And hear insulting comments from
The mean panel of three

Sharon Osbourne, Madonna and
On the right Taylor Swift
The judging panel of You Think
You Want to Be A Witch?

So I stand there with Stevie Nicks
Our diaphanous host
Sharon starts with comments that
For sure hurt me the most

“I thought your brew was rather thin
It lacked the bitter roots
And I think that you forgot
To add in eye of newt

It made your victim’s skin scaly but
That is all that you managed
And your broom flying is at best
Directionally challenged

You spent your time watching You tube
In your crystal ball
I’m afraid this witch crafting
Just isn’t you at all.”

Stevie reminds my fans to vote
If they find that untrue
And then turns to Madonna and
Says, “Madge let’s hear from you.”

“At first glance I thought you were
Some great enchanted mystic
But now I think it’s just cause you
Were wearing that black lipstick

My mind is changed I think you prob’ly
Should just stick to pink
And your dance of conjuring
Is really out of sync

I sure don’t think your cackling
Did even cause a scare
I’m afraid that as a witch
You haven’t, like, a prayer.”

And so with that said, things are turned
Back to our rockin’ host
Who reminds the viewers just
How much I need their votes

Which somehow fails to make my spirits
Even start to lift
As Stevie says “Now it’s your turn
What do you think Ms. Swift?”

But Taylor looks up with smile
Plastered on her face
Her eyes somehow expressionless
She says “I think it’s great!”

So Stevie says “Marissa it’s sure
Looking pretty bleak
What do you have to say to this?
It’s your turn now to speak.”

I say “Thanks for your criticisms
Plainly I can see
That perhaps the witchy life
Just isn’t quite for me

My potions didn’t do the trick
My broom and hat askew
But despite my deficiencies
There’s one thing I can do.”

And then a lightening burst came through
And then the clearing fog
Where once the panel of three sat
Now there were just three frogs.

With endless thanks to Annabelle Troy at Jane Eyre Gets Real for the inspiration.


The Life Of A Concert Promoter

A dressing room painted eggshell white,

For if ivory she’ll have a fright,

And all specifications we must meet,

Right down to a new toilet seat.


And I’ve just sent out the concert booker,

To find a very specific type of hooker,

Certain issues of magazine,

Cornstarch for their leather jeans.


A machine gun acquired for these temporary digs.

And a separate room just to keep her wigs.

Accommodations for their furry friends.

And for God’s sake no brown M & Ms!!


I’ve studied the rider’s specific features,

All to appease pop stars and divas,

But I’d just as soon they shut their trap,

And I’m quite relieved to see their back.


You Named Your Baby What Now?

Baby names are getting weirder and weirder. Taking a guilty pleasure in the many articles written in the past couple of weeks like, “Weirdest Baby Names of 2013” or “Top Baby Names of the Millennium”, I can personally tell you that baby names have taken a turn for the, well, let’s just say unusual. As each celebrity and yuppie tries to top each other with a more unusual name for their child, it is shocking how many babies bear the name Blue or how many babies are named for suburbs in New York, as the Jennifers, Saras and Michaels are replaced by McKenzies and Jaydens.

All this has got me thinking that perhaps the names I gave my children are just too hohum. It is so often when I hear a random word and think, “Wow, that’s what I should have named Anjelica!” So to prevent expecting parents from making the same mistake I have, I would like to share some ideas I had so that we can all make 2014 the weirdest year for baby names yet.

Raid your Medicine Cabinet: That’s right. It’s right in your home, easily accessible, and it offers a wealth of baby names. You can go the safe, herbal route and name your child something like Valerian, Chamomile, Schizandra or Acai, but imagine sending your little stinker off to school with a name like Iodine, Benzoyl or even Viagra.

Think Cars: Sure we’ve all heard our share of Royces and even a couple of Fords. But if you really want your child’s name to speak luxury, try Lamborghini, Ferrari, Porsche, Lexus or Jaguar. Love the environment? Maybe Prius would be a more suitable name for your child?

Music: It’s not too unusual to name a child for a musician or musical group. I’m sure a lot of Elvises are well into their 40s by now. And while your neighbors have all probably given birth to a couple of Madonnas and Beyonces already, not to mention that woman at school who has one in the oven she is thinking of naming Lorde, let’s think a little outside of the box, shall we? I know there are some Axls running around, and I’ve even heard a few Lemmys (even on a girl no less), but has anyone ever thought of Metallica, Nirvana, Ramone or even Mumford?

Movies: Another source of inspiration in baby names is the cinema. While I’m sure there are a million Star Wars inspired Lukes and Leias out there, I am thinking that Anakins, Darths and Bobas are pretty low on the population list. In fact, the sci-fi genre is just full of ingenuity when it comes to baby names. Think Gandalf, Aragorn and Neo. More of a comedy lover? Why not Napolean or Burgundy. But I think I have come up with the single most clever, most unusual baby name of all time. I would bet on the fact that it is unused and I, in fact, dare anyone to name their child after this definitive movie character of the century. That’s right…it’s McLovin.
P.S. You know how the link suggestions are supposed to show up when you are editing your posts? Mine are not doing that. Also not suggesting tags. Anyone else? Thanks.