Archie’s Ice Cream Closes Its Doors

When I first heard there was a rock n’ roll ice cream shop that hosted live bands, I immediately thought, “I want to go to there”. Never mind that its Tustin location was some 44 miles from my home in Burbank, which could cost you up to 2 hours in So-Cal traffic, it was worth the trip!

And Archie’s did not disappoint. Not only did it serve delectable ice cream, it was decorated floor to ceiling (literally) with autographed pictures of the coolest rock stars ever! My family band went there every year for three consecutive years in a row to play and we brought my son’s and daughter’s band out there as well.

I’m so glad we all had the pleasure of performing on what I will always consider to be hallowed grounds.

It was always fun playing Archie’s. More than the cool atmosphere and great ice cream, it was imbibed with the spirit of its owner Shant Keuilian, a genuinely nice guy who loved to support local bands and innately understood the meaning of rock n’ roll.

Today, I heard the sad news that Archie’s will be closing its doors for the last time on Sept. 28. As another rock n roll institution bites the dust, I feel it necessary to give it the respect it deserves although a mere blog does not seem like enough.

Shant continues to keep the spirit of rock alive by visiting live events in the Archie’s Rock n’ Roll Ice Cream Truck, so if you see him out there, be sure to tell him The CheeseBergens say hello.

In the meantime, please enjoy this brief documentary created by Ryan Jachetta Films, that can truly tell you what rock n roll is all about.

The Great Ice Cream Caper: A Horror Story

The eggs fry on the sidewalks Mother
Nature has a fever
Dismayed am I at the abyss
That is my empty freezer

On days like this when forecasts for
The week just say ‘real hot!’
It seems a bit of ice cream would
Be best to hit the spot

So off in my jalopy I
Head to the grocery store
To thus procure a pint or two
Or maybe three or four

Transaction done back in the car
Scarce time for my seat belt
Priority to get these darn things
Home before they melt

With burning rubber hit the gas
And out the lot I swerve
But there comes old Ms. Flannery
Can you believe the nerve?

Totally oblivious
To my sweet dairy needs
She crosses right before my car
At a turtle like speed

I honk the horn she startles and
Then scurries out the way
I’m glad she didn’t fall I might
Have been there the whole day

And now on to the avenue
I near taste sweet cold bliss
But push the brakes into a halt
Oh what fresh hell is this?

I honk the horn and target a
New source for my aggression
For now I see I’m in back of
A funeral procession

Maneuvering I nearly nudge
A long sleek darkened limo
And squeeze myself right in between
The hearse and grieving widow

I tell her that condolences
Are very deeply felt
Now could she get out of the way
My ice cream’s gonna melt

But still slowly they crawled along
Despite my aggravation
I tell you that these people just
Have no consideration

And finally I’m almost there
The sweat seeps on my brow
I’m so close I tell you I can nearly
Taste the ice cream now

But suddenly my hopes and dreams
Just slowly start to droop
For now it seems a little waif
Sits crying on my stoop

She sniffs out a narration clogged
With snot proceeds to tell
Some story of skinned knees or is
Timmy caught in a well

I tell her “Child I have no time
To help you with your plight
There’s ice cream in the car might melt
Before I get a bite!”

She looks at me in disbelief
And then scurries away
So so much so for the compassion
Of these kids today

But ‘nough lamenting the misfortune
Of the little punk
For I’ve got more important things
Awaiting in my trunk

But as I open it I stare
In utter disbelief
And in just minutes go through all
The five stages of grief

Because inside my car there is
No ice cream that I see
In all my haste guess I forgot
To take it home with me

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My Imaginary Friend

I had a best friend helped me out
Of sticky situations
Even though her origin
Was my imagination

At crowded movies if the seat
Right next to me was bare
I’d say “sorry my imaginary
Friend is sitting there”

If conversations were a bore
And went on with out end
I’d be saved by a call from my
Imaginary friend

If I was eating ice cream someone
Thought was meant for two
“I’m sharing with my unseen friend
Who’s come down with the flu”

Some people didn’t like her but
I think they were plain evil
Haters with something against
Imaginary people

So besties we were for some time
Til hit with rotten luck
My imaginary friend was run down
By a big Mack truck

I did my best to save her flattened
There in the concrete
Guess the driver didn’t see her when
She was crossing the street

And now my friend is dead and gone
And my whole world is black
I never could imagine how
I’d try to bring her back

And days go by still don’t know
How I’ll go on without her
For I despise to socialize
Perhaps I just won’t shower.

This post is dedicated to and partially inspired by Bitter Ben and our countless blogversations about imaginary everything.

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The Last Oreo

Oh never mind the moaning and
The groaning in the hall
That’s only our ghost Doris who
We do not mind at all

We tried and tried to help her I’m
Afraid we did our best
But we were not successful in
Putting her soul to rest

So now she haunts our hallways
Every midnight without fail
So please sit down and I’ll relate
Unto you her sad tale

Doris rushed through every meal
Her passion quite overt
But not for her dull food she yearned
But for that of dessert

Perhaps a habit she picked up
Eating her mother’s cooking
Who told her she should eat her meat
Lest she could have her pudding

Or maybe lots of siblings who
Left her feeling bereft
If they took desserts before hers
And so there was none left

Or maybe she thought that her cakes
Her ice creams and sorbets
Would one day magically grow legs
And up and walk away

So Doris in her kitchen stood
Like one facing starvation
With food not really eaten one
Might call it inhalation

And little did she know she would
Meet her maker that day
At the hands of a chicken bone
That went down the wrong way

They found her two days later
Rigor mortis had set in
One stiffened hand poised on her throat
One on the cookie tin

And now she wonders through the halls
Focused, on high alert
Her soul will not be laid to rest
Until that last dessert

Of course we tried to help her sure
No reward would be greater
We offered every sweet and tart
In our refrigerator

But soon we realized our attempts
Would only go to waste
Doris no longer had the means
To chew, swallow or taste

And that my friend does mark the end
Of Doris’ sad story
Condemned to spend eternity
In Dessert Purgatory

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Trampling At The Sampling

I circle like a vulture and
In deepest secrecy
Dare not divulge the nature
Or give out my strategy

And with the stealthiest of stealth
Unrivaled by a cheetah
I look on cups filled with cream puffs
Yogurt, spanakopitas

And with my wig and sunglasses
Practically incognito
No one will guess my gluttony
I wait on the burrito

She says it’d be 10 minutes so
I hover real near by
Studying a box of mac n cheese
I’ve no intent to buy

And soon the microwave bell dings
And surely I got dibs
But tell that to the woman waiting
With her seven kids

Nervously I do surmise
A serving less than ample
Dismayed as the burrito’s cut
To no more than 8 samples

Little fingers greedy clench
And little mouths that dine
Upon food that for all intent
And purpose should be mine

But what is this I come upon
In slow motion unfolds
The hands that eagerly stretch out
Of a poor three year old

Anticipation on her face
So pure and filled with light
All awaiting joyous tastes
Within the tiny bite

But all is fair in love and war
Some day she’ll understand
Just why I had to snatch the sample
From her tiny hands

I’m sure she will forget about it
By end of the day
And prob’ly wouldn’t have really
Enjoyed it anyway

And after that all bets are off
And destiny it calls
Along with soda, ice cream, meats
And two jumbo meatballs

Cheeses, crackers, sausages
Nuggets shaped like stars
As I cut a blind man off
To grab granola bars

Cookies, coffee, gummy bears
All worthy of a try
As well as some strange chewy stuff
I can’t identify

And vegan gluten free wheat cakes
That taste a bit like tin
A candy coated laxative
And children’s vitamins

And with all tables visited
It’s time to head on out
With bile in my stomach and
A bad taste in my mouth

And as I’m headed for the door
A woman there does greet
Me to ask me if I bought something
She would check my receipt

I say to her that I did not
And thank her for her service
But giggle that she’d think I’d
Actually make a purchase.

Inspired by a local story you can read about here, which turns out to be not nearly as funny.

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Doppleganger

I have an evil twin you know
She always hangs around
And when it seems I deviate
You know she can be found

‘Cause surely I would never stoop
To eat all your ice cream
Or put your dirty underwear
In with the drawer of clean

Or call your boss and tell him that
You think he’s a real jerk
And that you’re really blogging when
You should be hard at work

And if my writing is subpar
Well surely you can guess
Her hacking ways defame my name
All over my WordPress

And of course it was not my hair
That caused the drain to clog
Nor was it me who thought to put
Your lipstick on the dog

Or make prank calls to your grandma
And say things that are lewd
Not flush the toilet, leave the cap
Off of the toothpaste tube

And if you doubt these words I write
They are no thin disguise
For witnesses attest to my
Quite foolproof alibis

Which place me at my home or work
While these bad things occur
Although most can not say for sure
Which one is me or her

And then she looks so innocent
Midst her self caused upheaval
The nerve! She points to me and says
That I’m the one that’s evil

Inspired by a blogersation I had with Mark Bialczak.

My sister and I circa 1990

My sister and I circa 1990

Tut Tut Tales

Three Second Rule

Marcus Mike Maximus Brown
I say it isn’t cool
How when your cake falls on the floor
You call 3 second rule

And when ice cream falls from your cone
Then for it you will dive
And then that old 3 second rule
Can become 4 or 5

But when your brussel sprouts fall down
Just bending is a chore
And it’s unfit for your mouth now
As it’s been on the floor.

Janey Jones

Janey Jones thought it’s be cool
To jump around while in the pool
She jumped and jumped with all her might
And reached the most impressive heights

And Janey she caused such a stir
That all did turn to look at her
And so she reached the water’s top
And even then she did not stop

Which would have been completely awesome
If not for her bikini bottoms
Which I’m quite sure she did not know
Floated somewhere down below.

 

A bit of a collection here…I wrote these over the weekend and thought they went together in a childlike way. I called the blog Tut Tut Tales after a book I read as a child by Marjorie Barrows, which I don’t exactly remember but the name seemed to fit.

I’d also like to thank Robin at Witless Dating After Fifty and Inchcock at, well, Inchcock for inspiration although I’m not sure they will recognize it’s source.

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What Would You Do?

I’d tell the pope a dirty joke
Blow raspberries at a nun
Hold up the New York Federal reserve
With a rubber tommy water gun

I’d put my face into the ground
And lick up worms and dirt
Go to a gangsta rap concert
Wearing a Slayer shirt

I would take the neighbor’s dog
Out on a dinner date
Go streaking naked at next year’s
Presidential debate

Ride through the desert backwards on
A quite ill tempered llama
I’d wear a garbage bag to work
I’d French kiss your mama

I’d jump a double decker bus
In a high end sports car
And that my friend is what I’d do
For a Klondike bar….

Especially if it was Reese’s.

I’d like to thank my son Jesse Bergen for the inspiration for this one.

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ICE CREAM!!!!

On high alert near dinner time
The children long to hear
Pop Goes the Weasel softly chimes
It is that time of year

The little kiddies drop their games
And stop dead in mid frolic
And pull their mothers hands and hair
Demanding them their wallet

Tears will come down from their eyes
They’re sure to make a scene
If their demands are not met to
Procure some cheap ice cream

A choco taco ice cream waffle
Sundae in a cup
A Creamsicle, a Popsicle
A Rocket Blast, Push Up

The children fidget, cry and pout
Threaten to kill and worse
As their parents hunt for cash
While muttering a curse

But in my house twas no such luck
My mother did believe
Unhealthy junk to make me fat
But first to rot my teeth

I’d watch a Spongebob disappear
Chipwich become no more
And pray that every flavored ice
Would end up on the floor

For every Drumstick licked to nought
And Dixie Cup’s dead end
But it was not enough for me
I had to have revenge

Yet nothing was so clever as
The fate that I had planned
A plot for ultimate control
I’d BE the ice cream man

And slow down in each neighborhood
As children sang and danced
All so anxious for their treats
With ants in their pants

And see the looks upon their face
As in my truck I’m slowing
I bite into a lemon cup
And then I just keep going

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That Day I Was A Waitress

imgres-10“Is this your first time?
It’s not simple you see,”
But I lie thinking,
“Oh, how hard can it be?”

The next thing I know,
I’m there waiting in line,
As orders go past,
That I’m not sure are mine.

I can’t balance trays,
The servings are askew,
The meatloaf for 6,
Is found at table 2.

Then a woman says ,
“Remove this carrion!
Don’t you know I’m
Strictly vegetarian?”

I run down to her,
Then another mishap,
The ice cream for 4,
Is in table 10’s lap.

Just a small concern,
As I fear for my life,
The chef comes at me,
With a large butcher knife.

No time for small talk,
As I run for the door,
Perhaps I’m just not,
Well cut out for this chore.

This working with food,
Just makes me too nervous,
But one lesson learned,
Folks, please tip your servers.