Theme From The CheeseBergens

It started when my mom had a middle aged crisis
Should have seen a shrink, left to her own devices
She was gonna rock n’ roll just like me
Now she’s embarrassing herself for all to see

Chorus:
We’re the
CheeseBergens coming to your town
In a broken down school bus
CheeseBergens coming to your town
And the Partridge family has nothing on us

I know you think my sister’s cute but oh guess what
Take my word for it, she’s a freakin’ nut
My dad is kind of cool but sometimes he’s a bummer
I guess that’s okay because he’s just the drummer

Chorus

And me, I guess it’s kind of cool to play some music
Though it’s kind of a drag with the parental units
Still I’m gettin’ out and gettin’ all my kicks
Though it’s kind of impossible to pick up chicks

Hello and Happy New Year to you all! As a way to kick off the new year, our family band is launching a Three Songs In Three Days Campaign so prepare to be bombarded. Here is the first of three, and I believe I have not yet shared these lyrics with you so…added bonus! The song tells the story of how the wackiness all started…well, more or less…

Please Sign My Hannukah Petition!

Some spell it with a C and H
Some with an extra K
I’ve seen it with a Q and X
And ends with H or A

And once I’ve gotten half way there
I have to start again
‘Cause I seem to have forgotten
Where to put the extra N

But it really shouldn’t matter
Where the wild wind it blows
When it comes to spelling Hanukah
It’s as if anything goes

All concept of grammar and
Religion have been shaken
Oy vey, like are they Jews?
Cause it’s more like they are pagan!!

Blatant abuse of language well
It’s causing quite a stir
Maybe now Mersh will worship but
Not wear a yamulke

But, oh yeah, while we are at it let’s
Condemn ourselves to hell
And go and spell it ‘yamika’
Like the goys think it’s spelled

Or perhaps its gone new agey and
It don’t like to be labeled
Or bogged down with proper grammar like
It’s brother dreidel (dreidl)

This is no less than anarchy
There must be a decision!
For correct spelling of Hannukah
I’m making a petition

And I hope that you will sign it but
One thing before you do
Tell me what you’re thinking should
It be one N or two?

I Wore Red To Target

I wore red to Target
Not the best idea
I wore red to Target
And everybody near
Asked me “do you work here?”
Said “can you help me miss?”
Come on don’t you know
I can’t take much more of this

Guess I was asking for it
Cause look what I started
Had it coming to me when
I wore red to Target

Tried hiding in the bathroom
I thought that would be safer
‘Til someone said “hey miss
We’re out of toilet paper!”
If one more person bugs me
I swear I’ll flip my lid
This woman came up to me
And that’s just what she did

Guess I was asking for it
Cause look what I started
Had it coming to me when
I wore red to Target

I could have gone to another market
I could have worn blue or green
But I had to go to Target tell me what did it mean
Did it mean did it mean
Did it mean did it mean

I made up some fake discounts
I gave her wrong directions
I told her there were frying pans
In the electronics section
Then I felt so much better
And everything was fine
Until when I discovered
I was in back of her on line

Guess I was asking for it
Cause look what I started
Had it coming to me when
I wore red to Target

This is another poem that I published many moons ago but added some lyrics to make it in to a song. It also happens to be the first recorded CheeseBergens song that my 9 year old daughter sings. Let me know what you think.

Also, the music is free to listen to, but if anyone is so inclined to make a donation, all funds will be given to the Ovation Music Fund, a nonprofit dedicated to helping underserved kids pay for music school tuitions.

http://ovationmusicfund.org/

The Plight of Snowball: A Dog Lost In A Cat’s Body

Snowball wouldn’t bat at socks
Or deign to use the litter box
She’d no use for that feline stuff
Tried making her meow a ruff

Her mother neared end of her whits
And wished her dear would only quit
But it was neither whim nor hobby
A canine in a feline’s body

And though her mom would fret and kvetch
Snowball brought a stick to fetch
Preferred to chase round the mailman
Then digging through a garbage can

She rather liked to chew one bones
Which beefed up her testosterone
But the elusive canine copy
Never did her ears go floppy

Nor could she seek an operation
To change the outcome of gestation
But other cats, Snowball they feared
And dogs, well they just found her weird

And rolled their eyes as they walked past
So poor Snowball was an outcast
And so a loner til that day
When all alone Snowball did play

Until the day she ran across
A cow who was born as a horse.

Metalhead’s Holiday Gift Guide 2016

Tis the season! Yes, we may seem dark, doomy and miserable, but even metalhead’s need gifts for the holidays. Here is my annual list of recommendations. It’s funny…I promise!

Driving With My Blinker On Again

Driving in my car in the middle of the day
Hoping that I’m able to remember my way
I start and stop can’t recall is it left or right
So I pull the switch and there goes on my signal light

Chorus:

I’m driving with my blinker on again
You never know how this will end
Will I make a right or left or even turn you’ll never guess
I’m driving with my blinker on again

Well at one point I’m sure I did intend to turn
Now you’re asking me where my driving I did learn
Well I’m pretty sure it was the school for the crazy
Directionally challenged and curmudgeonly old ladies

Chorus

Bridge:

You were getting pretty hopeful down on Ave B
But now that we’re on M you’ve nearly given up on me
That light is winking at you and it’s driving you insane
You’d try to get around me too bad it’s a single lane

Well it’s finally time to lose me at any cost
Might go mile out or you could end up getting lost
Try to turn right but suddenly out of the blue
I decide to make that right, right in front of you

Chorus

Not as rock themed…but possibly another for the AOL!

To The Young, Dark Lord On His 14th Birthday

The fire’s burning bright
And the air is blowing cold
The robed one speaks in tongues
A vision to behold

He holds the knife above
And still the flames do smolder
And taps it on each side
Of the young one’s shoulder

The blood begins to pour
And so awash with sins
For midnight strikes the hour,
The ritual begins

The music beckons low
The chanting starts once more
For the young dark lord
Who now reaches ten and four

And so the door flies open,
And so the music ceases
For the dramatic entrance
Of she on high, the priestess

Mother of all evil
And of the chosen one
In haste she breaks the chalice
And kneels before her son

But he just rolls his eyes
Says “Don’t know why you make
Such a big freakin’ deal
Let’s just cut the stupid cake!”

#mommyanddaddystillworshipsatan

Happy Birthday to my son Jesse Bergen!

 

And sorry for the shameless self promotion, but I see no better media attachment than that of our family band’s video for Mommy and Daddy Worship Satan. For those who didn’t see it yet, enjoy!

Wake Me When The Show Is Over

I used to wait til midnight then it was time to rock
Now I’m frightened if a band goes on past 10 o clock

Pre Chorus:
So find me a nice corner
Safe from the mosh pit
Throw an MC over me
Whatever you see fit
And you can call me old
And you can go ahead and mock
Just tell everybody else
How hard I friggin rocked

Chorus:
Cause it’s hard to get your kicks
When you’re waking up at six
Call me old, call me a poseur
But just wake, oh wake me, wake me, when the show is over

Well I have seen Black Sabbath, The Rolling Stones and more
But every time I just end up passed up on the floor

Pre Chorus
So put my somewhere safe
A little out of touch
If they ask just tell them
That I drank too much
Fill me in on details
So I can give my take
Of how it would have been if I
Were actually awake

Chorus
Cause it’s hard to get your kicks
When you’re waking up at six
Call me old, call me a poseur
But just wake, oh wake me, wake me when the show is over

Bridge:
Well it used to be I didn’t even wake up until noon
And I didn’t leave my house until the rising of the moon
But now that kind of living well it’s showing me no mercy
Especially when I am having dinner at 4:30.

Another, and quite possibly the last for a while…for The Angsty Old Ladies!

Squeezin’ Into Spandex Again

The chain mail bra the leather skirt
I tug and pull and kvetch
And after all the time gone by
I’m lucky these things stretch
Cause I will not reveal my weight
And I won’t tell my size
But I’m trading in my mom jeans for
Some skinny fit low rise

Chorus:

I’m squeezing into spandex again
I’m having a night out with my friends
I’m thinking that I’m cool but maybe no one’s fooled
I’m squeezing into spandex again

Lie on the bed and summon family
Tightening my grip
And tell them all come on and help me
Getting these things zipped
Then stuff my legs in platform boots
And help me get upright
I’ll hobble round and not sit down
For the rest of the night

Chorus

Bridge:

I’m an aging metal momma
Lookin for a some brand new tricks
And I’m getting down in leather
Right until the lining rips
Gotta anaconda smile
And it’s all around the town
And I’m a hottie with a body
Least until I turn around
I’m a leather and lace lovely
I’m hood top dancing baby
Til the fuzz will lock me up because
They’re thinking that I’m crazy
All you young ones step aside
Because I’m joining in the ranks
And I hold it all together with
A badass pair of Spanx

Rockin’ out for the Angsty Old Ladies!

I Broke My Hip In The Mosh Pit

I broke my hip in the mosh pit
I don’t remember that it ever was so rough
When was it that 13 year olds got so goddamn tough
I broke my hip in the mosh pit

I broke my hip in the mosh pit
I know they told me that I just should stay in back
But I could not resist and then something went crack
I broke my hip in the mosh pit

They lifted me above the crowd
To an ambulance I’m hurtling
But half the people thought that I
Was doing some crowd surfing

I broke my hip in the mosh pit
I didn’t know it would have been so damn ferocious
‘Specially with early onset osteoporosis
I broke my hip in the mosh pit

Another one for The Angsty Old Ladies!