Tips For Cyberstalking Your Ex-Boyfriend

Your mother might not know a zip disk from a memory stick, but there is one part of technology she most certainly is familiar with and that is cyberstalking. Not only might your mother want to cyber stalk you, but after all those years married to your dad, cyber stalking her ex-boyfriends is probably one of her favorite past times. Based on all my years of experience, I have done woman kind a great favor by compiling these words of wisdom for cyberstalking ex-girlfriends everywhere.

A great cyber-stalker is an outside the box thinker: Don’t be discouraged when a Google or Facebook search does not yield results. Think friends, family, work connections, web sites, pass words, band mates. Come on ladies, he’s out there somewhere!

Get Reacquainted: Now that you have found your ex, you want to know, is he bald, has he gained weight, did he finally get a good job or is he still the loser you dated, did he in fact leave the country like he told you he did, and, most importantly, is he in a relationship.

Keep Your Enemies Close: If he is not in a relationship, you might as well stop stalking now and revisit in a couple of months. However, if he is an a relationship, the search has just begun. It is now up to you to find out if SHE is attractive, if SHE is fat, if SHE has a good job, and most importantly, what she has on her that you don’t got on you. Think of how much closer to closure you will be after spending hours trying to figure out why SHE made him happy when you couldn’t.

Do Not Contact Him: I know in this cyber world, where contact is just a click away, it may be irresistible to go ahead and contact your ex. I strongly recommend you do not do this. It will not end well. As a matter of fact, you should really write a letter to yourself that says’

Dear Self,

No matter how drunk and desperate you are, do not contact (ex-boyfriend you are currently cyberstalking).

And hang it in front of your computer.

But If You Must: If you know yourself too well and feel that a mere piece of paper will be no deterrent for you, it is important that in these moments of drunken desperation, you sound neither drunk nor desperate. Here is what you SHOULD NOT be writing:

Dear (Ex-Boyfriend I am Currently Cyberstalking):

Why did you tell me you moved out of the country leaving me here to die alone? What did I ever do to you? I thought your parents said we made a cute couple.

The object is to make him feel you are a mature adult who has moved on. I would try something more along these lines:

Dear (Ex-Boyfriend I am Currently Cyberstalking):

Long time no speak! You look great! The receding hair line really becomes you!

I see you are in a relationship now. Good for you! She looks like a really nice person. You two seem like you really enjoy a good meal.

As for me, you will be pleased to know that I am now a successful (highly exaggerated job position here.) I also have a very cool blog.

By the way be sure to say hello to your brother for me. You do know I slept with him right?

 

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Why I Should Probably Maybe Definitely Delete My Facebook Profile

So if you are like me, which is to say a socially awkward middle aged mother of two, creating your Facebook profile and reconnecting with all your old cronies, was more of a plunge than a natural progression. And though it was great fun for a while, seeing how everyone turned out, and being the new kid on the FB block, it turns out that you really don’t have much to say, and you don’t really care what they have to say, or how smart their kids are, or what they had for dinner, or how they exercised for 3 hours (but, by the way, still look fat). And come to think of it, those ‘Happy Birthday’ wishes are WAY less than they were last year despite your endless dedication to theirs, and, despite a few loyal hangers on, even the comments have slowed to a trickle.

So clearly, it’s time to trim the fat, which is to say, delete most of the few friends I have, or delete my profile. That’s right…I’m thinking of committing social media suicide.

The Cry For Help

So it’s go big or go home. I mean like I don’t want to just take a bottle of pills and go to my room weeping. I mean, I want to jump off Niagara Falls screaming and cursing.  I’ve seen people do it you know, post about how FB is making them miserable and they are going to end it all. Usually a bunch of their friends rally around with the reassuring, don’t do it. And there they are, the next day, reading a bunch of insipid posts, as if nothing ever happened.

But the ever so probable reality is, that if I posted something about how I wanted to delete my profile, no one would even care. And if I posted something like “I hate you all and I’m going to delete my profile so I never have to deal with you people again” and then proceeded to delete myself, that comment would be deleted as well, probably never to be read.

And then what??!! I mean, where does computer data go to die? It’s kind of the same thing as the great mystery of the human death. Into the endless void of nothingness?  a purgatory for HTML files?  There are probably some computer nerds with well researched accurate answers for this. But the truth is, if I were googled, my FB page would never come up again, and more likely than not NO ONE WOULD CARE!!

The Solution

Plagued with feelings of inadequacy, hopelessness and depression at seeing no numbers posted next to the icons at the top of my page, I know now that I really need help. I turn to Google in despair entering ‘Facebook Depression’ into it’s endless search engine void. And you know what I found out? I found out there are a lot of people just like me! There are a lot of people who have suffered similar symptoms and many have deleted their Facebook accounts! And many of those people have gone on to fight another day… yea to build a happier, more fulfilling life, content in the knowledge that they don’t Facebook to validate who they are. Say not “I Facebook therefore I am”’ but “I live, therefore I am!”

And with this in mind, I go to my Facebook page, my cursor hovers over the delete button. But first… I should really see if any one liked the picture I just posted of my son. After all, he is my child.  I should probably maybe definitely delete this thing.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/01/22/facebook-study-envy_n_2526549.html

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/anne-hilker/chivalry-is-dead-and-so-i_b_2168154.html