Skeletons In My Closet

I think your honor once you have
Reviewed the evidence
You’ll clearly see that what I did
Was more than self defense

I ordered her a pizza special
Toppings meant to please
The little brat just sat and sobbed
And said ‘ I don’t like cheese!’

She nearly broke the Xbox ‘fore
Defiantly deciding we
Should buy a new controller that’s
More suited to her liking

Nothing made her happy
She cried she moaned she grieved
But when I said it’s time to go
She didn’t want to leave

I called her mom and asked when she
Was coming to retrieve her
But she ignored my texts I guess
She didn’t want her either

And with my options very slim
I thought wise to deposit
Her in the dank and cobwebbed depths
Of my dark storage closet

She needn’t had to feel alone
I’m pretty sure she knew
The others that were stored in there
Like Mary, Beth and Sue

Amongst those who had misbehaved
When they had come to play
Thought they’d have fun it seemed the cops
Did not see it this way

So sentence me an unfit host
For these friends of my daughter
Clearly I’m in need of help
And a restraining order

Slap on the cuffs my guilty plea
Resigns me to my fate
But I’d choose to rot in prison than
To face one more playdate

This is a mainly true account of what happened to me this weekend.


The Ends Justify The Genes

A nose too long, an imperfect chin,
Seemed a good place to begin,
A snip here, an implant there,
‘Til she made a whole disguise to wear.

And soon the surgery replaced,
Every feature of her face,
But when browsing yearbooks of her alma mater,
She saw a dead ringer for her daughter.


All God’s Creatures

Some people love all God’s creatures large and small,
I say if you’ve seen one rose you’ve seen them all,
But children see things differently so I guess I oughta,
Appreciate the scenery when walking with my daughter.

And lo and behold before us such an amazing sight,
That even I felt my blackened heart becoming light,
A rose stood before us with such a gorgeous hue,
It’s blossoms so delicately white yet almost blue.

And I stood in amazement as if under some strange potion,
That I barely paid attention to what played out in slow motion,
For out towards the flower my daughter’s hand reached for,
And no sooner had all the petals fallen to the floor,
Then we mourned the fact that the flower was no more.

And just when we thought there’d be nothing more to spoil it,
A dog came along and thought those petals would make a great toilet,
We walked through the neighborhood a couple of times since then,
And never saw anything so beautiful again.


I Suffer In Silence

My daughter’s birthday hand in hand,
With memories of Legoland,
A broken shoe, a bag forgotten,
Could not make my memories rotten.
A hotel room where it would be sheer luck,
To escape lice and bed bugs,
And my patience wearing thin,
With all the lines that we stood in.
But all this would barely matter,
My daughter’s happiness I would rather,
Nor did it dampen the spirits of our foursome,
Lest we think it any less than awesome.
But my soul with Satan I’ll secretly haggle,
To see this place drowned in Kragle.


That’s My Girl!

Oh, my sweet dear darling child,

Never could my imagination be so wild,

As to think heaven could bless me,

With a child quite so lovely as thee.

What wonderful thing did I do or say,

To have you as a gift for Mother’s Day,

And as I look at her and all her charms,

I long to hold her in my arms.

Her face so sweet, so little and cute,

But all she says is “I have to toot,”

And then produces an odor so foul,

All I can say is “That’s my gal!”


Happy 7th To My Sweet Anjeli-cat!

The Fart Trio

For my daughter it is long and low and can be almost fruitile,
From my son a toot from his boot can often become brutal,
When my husband’s at it, there’s such an awful smell,
You would think that Satan himself blessed him with the bowels or hell.
And when I give them all some beans, it almost sounds symphonic
All good and well although the smell’s catastrophically atomic.