Famous Fictional Couples-Where Are They Now?

imgresJack Sprat would eat no fat
His wife would eat no lean
‘Til Mrs. Sprat got really sick
Of being size sixteen
She traded all that fatty food
For a much lighter fare
And much to Mr Sprat’s chagrin
She ate his cupboard bare
But not for aggravation would
He soon decide to dump her
Oh what to do with a size two?
He liked his women plumper.

 

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05ae302b8f85d955fc82939e748d3840Danny and Sandy were to marry
Things were hot and flirty
Their mamas said “Dears college first
You both are pushing thirty”
And so they went to different states
Dan said “I won’t forget ya”
Came day or two twas “Sandy who?”
Cause Alice hand jived better
Then came the sixties and free love
The years of ‘feed your head’
As Sandy gobbled mushrooms and
Toured with the Grateful Dead
So question love’s claim to success
Attested in a song
That credits couple’s chemistry
To ‘Ramma lam ding dong’.

 

These were written in response to a prompt I found on the  Once Upon Your Prime blog. The original prompt can be found here. You’ll see it’s for a writing contest and they are offering an honest to god cash prize. Unfortunately, on closer inspection, I found that it’s past the deadline…and they don’t accept poetry. Oh well, still a great prompt! And here is Stephanie’s entry: Could Captain Von Trapp & Maria Be Headed for Divorce?

Matchmaker Muddle

Did I tell you bout Aunt Nettie?
Thought she was the schiz
Of self appointed matchmakers
The greatest in the biz

Her ears perked up her radar sharp
Her scalp and ears would tingle
She’d be the first one in the town
To know if you were single

Then phones would ring into the night
The spreading of the news
Who knew a single Jewish man
Who looked just like Tom Cruise?

Nonsmoker with a puppy dog
Who liked to sing and dance
A sexy hunky fireman
Pref’rably from France

A manly man who had a beard
Kind of a dude’s dude
Who also liked walks on the beach
And skydives in the nude

Or an aging gentleman
With vast amounts of wealth
Who let’s just say may not quite be
In the finest of health

And so her skills preceded her
Or so she’d like to boast
Though often not the perfect man
She tried hard to come close

So women did their best to try
Not to act too appalled
When their tall dark and handsome showed up
Short and fat and bald

Or Laurie the librarian
She’d found her match for sure
Till he’d end the night by asking her
The best places to score

Told Earlette she found a keeper for her
Best that she could meet
Turned out he was a homeless guy
She picked up off the street

And so it seemed that Nettie’s failures
Came out quite a cost
All hid from her following each dismal
Breakup and divorce

And though Nettie would notice how
Her friends would all steer clear
This did not ring the death knell of the
End of her career

Quite opposite her passion grew
There would be no forsaking
She now has her own website in
The world of online dating

Picky Nicky

It was me and Eddie going steady
Thought we were bound for life
Till I saw him eat a pizza slice
With a fork and knife

So then it seemed Tyler might be
Worthy of my affections
Til a Nickelback CD turned up
In his record collection

I thought Caleb was a solid guy
But it just wouldn’t do
That he couldn’t seem to name each guy that
Was in Motley Crue

On to Marvin who within my heart
I would hold near and dear
But then he ate a sandwich and
Got mayo in his beard

And Jeff I thought him a sure thing
Til it ended in shambles
When I found out in the summer he
Wore socks under his sandals

And Charlie smelled of play dough, Ted’s
Laugh sounded like a duck
And Grant was over when I found
His band completely sucked

I guess that I will just give up
On all my love affairs
And sleep with Mr. Wiggles my
Trustworthy teddy bear

He’s sweet and cuddly and so cute
And every night he’ll hug me
Although that bow tie that he wears
Is really starting to bug me.

Inspired by a blogversation I had with Andrew over at his Lonely Author blog. Thanks Andrew.

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The Thrill of The Chase

Sexy Sal he was my pal
And so fed his obsession
To scout around the town and find
A host of missed connections

The pregnant girl in Walmart or
The chick with the cold sore
The girl shoplifting turkey legs
At the grocery store

The waitress at the greasy spoon
Who served flies in his omelet
The woman who’s hair he held up
When she kneeled down to vomit

The girl who saw him winking and
Asked him, was he deranged
The bag lady who sits on the
Corner and asks for change

And with each one he finds a spark
Or so he does insist
And goes back home to write an ad
That he posts on Craigslist

But until only recently
Twas little that came of
His ads in missed connections and
His quest to find true love

(Though to be fair responses came
Which nearly filled that purpose
A quite trustworthy phone sex line
A close by escort service

A reputable psychic who
Tells him what’s in his stars
A needy Nigerian uncle and
A man who sells used cars)

And just when he all but gave up
On love or lust or dates
A girl answered his ad and it seemed
She was really great

They talked a bit, it looked like she
Was kind and fun and sweet
And so they thought a good idea
They should once again meet

So at Friday at 8 PM
He told her she should be
Waiting at the platform for
The uptown northbound D

All arranged quite carefully
Just so it would coincide
With the D train that came in
On the southbound side

And so there’d be an ad for her
On Craigslist the next day
Bout how they made eye contact as
He waved and rode away.

craigslist-missed-connection-trader-joes-farter

My Bitchin’ Kitchen

The pickles are fickle
The almonds are nuts
The shellfish are selfish
The turkey’s cold cut

The artichoke’s heartless
The cake is a flake
Bologna’s a phony
The ham’s always baked

The apple pie’s tarty
Lasagna is cheesy
The prune is a prude
The eggs are too easy

The bacon is taken
The veggies are steamed
And don’t get me started
On the sour cream

And so my heart’s broken
By my ‘frigerator
I guess you could call me
A cereal dater.

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Through The Nevers

Never ride on a ostrich’s back
Never should you sport a mullet
Never mix Jager with lemonade
Never pick your nose in public

Never make promises that you can’t keep
And end up with one that is broken
Never bite off more than you can chew
Never chew with your mouth open

Never call him before three days is up
Don’t giggle when you’re in the sack
And never should you say I love you until
You’re certain that you’ll hear it back

Never take candy from strangers and
Don’t take wooden nickels as well
Never buy egg rolls from shoe salesmen
Or bridges that they’ve go to sell

Never wear white after Labor Day
Never wear brown shoes with black
Never go out with panty lines showing
Never wear a fanny pack

Never go to sleep before you make up
Or believe what you can’t see
And never reject a stranger’s advice
As long as they give it for free.

It’s been a long time since I’ve been inspired by a prompt, but when this one came around yesterday, I just couldn’t resist.

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/dp_prompt/well-i-never-2/

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The Agony of De-Feet

The man did love his woman so
Thrilled with her every touch
But those squeaky shoes she wore
Did darn near drive him nuts

And not to hurt her feelings since
With manners he was bred
He bought her heels and mules in hopes
That she’d wear those instead

And she did thank him kindly but
It seemed that she did choose
To persist donning her feet with
Those same old squeaky shoes

As he was near to his wit’s end
He was a desperate man
And so a last ditch effort he
Devised an evil plan

Some rosebuds and some candlelight
Would serve as a facade
To take away those ghastly things
While giving a massage

And just as she was well relaxed
The cursed things were stashed
Right next to the banana peels
And wrappers in the trash

It seemed his plan worked perfectly
When the massage was done
He feigned shocked ignorance while she
Would search where they had gone

But this poor man would pay a price
For his act of deceit
Revealed not squeaky shoes she had
Instead twas squeaky feet.

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Brat

So, over the weekend, I heard news that two of my acquaintances started dating. The woman in the relationship has a son from a previous marriage. I wrote this poem in honor of this new relationship, although it is just my cynical view of what might happen.

After writing the poem, it occurred to me that it might do well converted into a song, kind of a Ramones-ish type of thing; so when my family got some studio time, that’s exactly what I decided to do. So without further ado here is:

Anjelica Bergen: drums and backing vocals
Jesse Bergen: lead vocals
Ides Bergen: guitar
Marissa Bergen: bass and backing vocals

We don’t have a name yet but I’m thinking Double Cheese Bergens…or Bacon Double Cheese Bergens….

When I met you I knew you were the one
You were so hot and a lot of fun
‘Til that day when I held you close
You said there’s something that you gotta know
You told me we would never part
But there was someone who shared you heart
Next thing you know I was looking at
Your snot nosed little brat

Chorus:
I love you but your kid is a brat
I love you but your kid is a brat
Don’t know if I can put up with that
That snot nosed little brat

I’m not gonna ask you to choose
But he puts Lego pieces in my shoes
You think he don’t know cause he’s really young
But when you turn ’round he sticks out his tongue
Under my pillow case I found some snot
I’m pretty sure that he threw out my pot
And I wonder if it would be so bad
If he just went to live with his dad

Chorus

Now babe I just want to give you a kiss
He choose that time to throw a fit
All too often but you are convinced
That’s it’s just a big coincidence
You say we should just give it some time
Then everything will work out fine
Cause he just needs to get used to me
But in the meantime my beer tastes like pee.

Chorus

Brown Shoes Don’t Make It: Here Lies John

The mourners they wept quietly
And gathered there they stood
Staring at the solemn lid
On that closed box of wood
And with rev’rent austerity
They filed to their seats
As a suited businessman
Prepared to make his speech
“John he was quite smart you know
And that I can confirm
I met the man when he showed up
For a job at my firm
It seemed he was the guy for us
As so it did appear
He had a brilliant business mind
Out of the box ideas
I would present our manager
With most glowing reviews
But so unfortunate I saw
The choosing of John’s shoes
And so it was bad news that day
I was the one to break it
‘We’ll have to go with someone else
You see brown shoes don’t make it’ ”

And next up to the speaker box
For her funereal duty
A lovely woman statuesque
And really a great beauty
She said “Dear John was very kind
Really he was great
I met him when I was set up
With him on a blind date
Funny sexy witty smart
My heart did run amuck
He had it all and really I
Could not believe my luck
I was about to call my friend
The greatest of matchmakers
But when I saw his shoes I thought
‘Oh no that’s a deal breaker’
I tried, I made a second date
But then I had to break it
I said ‘Look John I’m sorry I’m
Afraid brown shoes don’t make it’ ”

The third speaker was up that day
Amidst the tears and crying
He was a quite unlikely beast
A regal golden lion
“It was quite odd that I saw John
Step in my cage that day
I think he was trying to be
Heroic in some way
I’m sure that he was doing just
What he thought right and best
Rescuing a wallet for a
Damsel in distress
But really if you think ’bout it
Oh what a thing to do
We all know that a real hero
Just doesn’t wear brown shoes
And so I saw him crawling round
And thought it quite suspicious
Until it did occur to me
He just might be delicious
And though you may think ill of me
Don’t knock it till you try
The succulent and juicy flesh
Of The Boring White Guy
The very best in all the land
And many of us say
It rivals every zebra as
The finest in gourmet
And when this tasty morsel did
Come crawling round my den
I licked my lips… oh excuse me
Now where was I again?
Well anyway, to sum it up
Imagine my delight
I think I finished up poor John
In no more than one bite
But when I saw those bland brown shoes
My stomach couldn’t take it
Even us felines know,
Those brown shoes just don’t make it
So when I saw them sitting there
I just could not go on
So I’m afraid that pair of shoes
Is all that’s left of John.

Incorporating the great Frank Zappa’s quote into my post today for the Quote A Day Challenge. Thanks to Mark Bialczak and Erika Kind for nominating me.

A Slave to the Bottle

Mikey Mike was sure the girls simply would adore
Him if he smelled exactly like the Abercrombie store
So off he went with quest to win the hearts of maidens plenty
To secure the bottled smell that cost a pretty penny

He doused himself but the honeys noticed not at all
Except to say “Oh gosh it smells exactly like the mall!”
And Mikey was frustrated so but just figured he’d be
A charmer with the ladies if he doused more heavily

And soon the smell did permeate his bed sheets and his clothes
Until it was the only scent that dared come through his nose
His food would smell of his cologne it was all that he tasted
And it came to the point that applications were just wasted

For everybody knew that it would be the fires of hell
That would rid poor Mikey Mike of his incessant smell
Which may as well have had the title of Eau de le Sewer
And friends they come around quite less and girlfriends even fewer

Until one day a girl came round who did seem rather fetching
Who walked so proud on Mikey’s arm without even retching
At first no one could fathom what in Mikey she did see
And wondered if her nostrils weren’t working properly

But take a few steps closer and one could do more than assume
Her lover’s scent was blocked out by her own vile perfume.

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