Stupid Punk Song (CheeseBergens’ Video Release)

 

Hello followers and friends! If you are reading this, you probably already know that I have passed on, which is precisely why I haven’t been around the blogosphere much to read your blogs lately. As I look into this batch of molten chocolate that will seal my fate, I contemplate the meaningless of life and all that comes with it.

This video is one of the few things I will leave behind to mark my legacy. If you like or comment, my soul may become light, giving me one last chance to ascend to heaven. Otherwise I am doomed to rot in hell for all eternity, but who am I to make your feel guilty?

https://www.facebook.com/TheCheesebergens/?ref=bookmarks

What I’m Thankful For ( A Narcissist’s List)

I’m thankful smoking marijuana’s
Not against the law
I’m thankful for thong underwear
And for my push up bra

I’m thankful for the Macy’s sale
And my new mini dress
And thankful Gotham isn’t on
During NCIS

I’m thankful for mascara and
For automatic doors
I’m thankful when there’s pizza rolls
At the 99 cent store

I’m thankful for my microwave it
Truly is a blessing
And that instead of phone calls there
Are now emails and texting

For deodorant and hair dye
And for goodness sake
I’m thankful for chocolate ice cream, cookies
Candy bars and cake

And sorry I can’t hear you
What’s that you’re asking me?
What of friends and peace and love?
What of family?

Oh of course, why silly me
For my one sided view
I’m sure that they are quite thankful
For all of these things too

This is the response to a challenge from Erika Kind, to answer the question of what I’m thankful for. I waited a while on this one while I was doing my October horror series. Thought it would do better closer to Thanksgiving anyway.

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A Narcissist’s Birthday List

An pink angora kitty cat
A pair of platform heels
A designer leather coat
A sporty set wheels

A chocolate sundae miles high
To overstuff my tummy
A butler and a trip to Spain
And money money money

Tickets to the Rolling Stones
Where ‘tween songs two and three
Mick and Keith break down to sing
Happy Birthday to me

A giant cake which Johnny Depp
Will pop from in the buff
Because you know your presence
Isn’t quite presents enough

A private plane, a motorboat
A brand new five string bass
A round trip all expenses paid
Ticket to outer space

A private island just for me
Off the shores of Belize
A penthouse over NYC
And of course world peace.

Yeah, that’s right, it’s my birthday. Hope you didn’t come empty handed.

Also, thank you for the image, Inchcock!

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What Would You Do?

I’d tell the pope a dirty joke
Blow raspberries at a nun
Hold up the New York Federal reserve
With a rubber tommy water gun

I’d put my face into the ground
And lick up worms and dirt
Go to a gangsta rap concert
Wearing a Slayer shirt

I would take the neighbor’s dog
Out on a dinner date
Go streaking naked at next year’s
Presidential debate

Ride through the desert backwards on
A quite ill tempered llama
I’d wear a garbage bag to work
I’d French kiss your mama

I’d jump a double decker bus
In a high end sports car
And that my friend is what I’d do
For a Klondike bar….

Especially if it was Reese’s.

I’d like to thank my son Jesse Bergen for the inspiration for this one.

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My Frivolous Things

Rock n’ roll music and my little kiddies
Pink platform boots and a black vinyl mini
A flying V strung with six nylon strings
These are a few of my favorite things

Neon eye shadow and black liquid liner
Tight jeans made up by my favorite designer
A skull that’s engraved in a big silver ring
These are a few of my favorite things.

Writing and blogging and bad poetry
Bands from the 80s with hair to their knees
New York in summer London in the spring
These are a few of my favorite things

When someone’s late, when I can’t sleep
When I’m feeling sad
I simply remember a chocolate cake
And then I don’t feel so bad.

Repeat ad nauseam.

This is my take on the love hate challenge. Thank you to Kim Boxin and Paola from Doted On for nominating me.

By popular demand, I have added a video of my performing the song live. It was a real rush job for which I apologize in advance but, at the very least, have a laugh on me.

 

 

Death By Chocolate

Sad signs of chocoholism. Note zombie like state, chocolate face smudges.

Sad signs of chocoholism. Note zombie like state, chocolate face smudges.

The year was 2051
Twas ten years to the day
Chocolate was illegalized
In the USA

The government said sadly
That’s how it had to be
Chocoholics roamed around
Causing anarchy

They drifted ‘cross the city streets
In their zombie-like states
Terrifying chocolate smudges
All about their face

And some so crazy with addiction
That they’d even dare
To dive in chocolate fountains down at
Ghiradelli Square

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The leader of the chocolate cartel attempting to dive into the chocolate fountain at Ghiradelli Square.

The world’s a safer place for it
But one family does dwell
Apocalyptic underground
A chocolate cartel

A frightening woman runs it
With her satanic plan
Accompanied by henchmen she calls
Shortie and The Man

Which may be evil midgets or
May be her son and daughter
Through the night surveillance as
They guard their precious border

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‘The Family’ guards their precious border.

Ships that come in nightly
Out on the streets their crooks
Who give our kids free candy as
They try to get them hooked

So scan your children carefully
And be suspicious lest
You find a wrapper in their drawer
Or chocolate on their breath

If they’re hopping up and down
As if in ecstacy
Or saying “how much for the dark”
Or “got PB & C”

A rather frightening picture of the leader of the cartel hoarding her chocolate stashes.

A rather frightening picture of the leader of the cartel hoarding her chocolate stashes.

But look out for this family
We’re out to make a bust
She’s likely armed with truffles
And she’s high dangerous

We sent one of our guys in once
An undercover frame
His death met in a chocolate vat
And never seen again

So beware her security
Her dealers and her users
She’s thick with Willy Wonka’s men
And hangs with Oompah Loompahs

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Shortie

Who’ve seen men to an ugly death
So heed for your protection
Those gone from chocolate overdose
Or worse, lethal injection

Or drowned wading in fudgy pools
Who never made it through it
Though I suppose if you must go
That’s one way you could do it.

The Man

The Man

Annoying Ed

Annoying Ed everyone dreads
And practices avoiding
Social interaction cause
He’s just too darn annoying

But I took pity on the guy
Sought opportunity
As I thought ” Oh just really how
annoying could he be?”

We went out to the movies
He talked all the way through
Spoiling the whole plot line
Dont’ ask me how he knew

He had a funny way of kind of
Whistling when he breathed
Then he spent the night extracting
Popcorn from his teeth

Though he was trying on my nerves
I swore we’d hang again
But none too soon when the phone rang
On Sunday 6 AM

He said “Hey, you want to hang out
Maybe shoot the breeze?
I thought that we could go meet up
Down by the Chuck E Cheese.”

And though not quite the manner I would
Choose to spend my day
I felt bad so I found what Ed
Had on his resume

His legs fidgeted up and down
Bit his nails to the quick
He hummed merrily to himself
Hocked loogies up and spit

He laughed too loudly and too long
I thought I’d lose my mind
When he told the hamster story
For the 7th time

Then we went to get some food
The waiter brought my plate
Ed helped himself to a huge bite
Of my chocolate cake

Chewed it with an open mouth
Then came to the assertion
That he just really wasn’t
Much a chocolate person

Smoke it came out from my ears
My eyes were seeing red
I came across the table and
I nearly strangled Ed

I said “I can not take you Ed
I’m afraid we’re through
On account there is no one quite
Annoying as you.”

And into the fresh air I went
Blissfully alone
Although as I walked off I heard
Him talk into his phone

And though I was so filled with rage
And my mind in a blur
Distinctly did he say “Thank God
I’m finally rid of her!”

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The Prequel

In a land where chocolate grows
Right off of the trees
There is a girl with honey hair
That grows down to her knees

And though I haven’t met her yet
They talk about her oft
The azure eyed girl wonder known as
The Great Warm and Soft

Who nought complains or misbehaves
Or has farts that are smelly
It’s said great things will happen if
You touch her silky belly

An evil witch looked down on her
And from her lair she cried
For she was wicked so to her
Sweet belly was denied

And so she schemed and plotted how
She’d leave her evil loft
And get her hands on the princess
Called The Great Warm and Soft

She hired flying monkeys blasted
Heavy metal music
And went down to the fairy lands
A-flying on her broomstick

And when the guards did spy her there
They went in to attack
But Princess came to rescue her
And ordered them ‘Stand back’

It may have been the Princess blessed
With her pure heart of gold
Or she felt bad because the witch
Was really really old

But either way forward she stepped
Divinity inspired
And offered to the cruel witch that
Of which she most desired

And you ask what did happen then?
The Princess’s people say
That the witch’s small cold heart
Grew 3 sizes that day

And people celebrated this
And stocks and bonds did swell
And global warming was no more
And unemployment fell

And if the two were BFFs
We never did find out
As villagers too late did warn
“Watch out for that house!!”

Happy Birthday to My Little Anjelicat!

The Princess and The Witch in happier times...just seconds before the house

The Princess and The Witch in happier times…just seconds before the house

A Fairly True Account Of Last Friday Night

Twas cold and cloudy so outside
Interminable wait
All for my child to perform
The hour it grew late

As I stood there shivering
So slowly passed the time
Suffering untuned guitars
Young children’s off key whines

When suddenly in front of me
My eyes would become locked
The women there before me had
A big bakery box

Which she promptly opened up
Before me she sat down
I saw it boasted the brand name
Of the best place in town

And when my eyes did catch the sight
I broke out in cold sweat
To see colossal layers dripping
In rich chocolate

My mind sped into over drive
With thoughts that would not cease
Of how I would insinuate
Myself to get a piece

But there was nothing I could say
And soon it became clear
That it would be my fate to watch
The whole cake disappear

With such eyerolls of pleasure from
Those who enjoyed it well
So suddenly I realized that
I must have gone to hell

So I dropped down to my knees
With great sorrow and grief
I promised God above I would
Turn over a new leaf

And asked him please to let this night
All just be a bad dream
And ask forgiveness for my sins
My soul to be redeemed

And somehow by some miracle
Damnation was prevented
Though some half eaten pieces left
(Don’t think I wasn’t tempted!!)

So now I try to just do good
And keep myself on track
For I have seen what hell is like
And I ain’t going back

A cold and dreary waiting room
With whining children plenty
And women who eat chocolate cake
And will not give you any

I would like to dedicate this post to Maida at Traversing Lines. I know you were trying to be optimistic but here is what my hellish Friday night was really like!! All for the kids, right?

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Beauty Pageant Saboteur

I gave Ms. Texas dark chocolates
Til she broke out in zits
I told them that Ms. Washington
Had fake silicone tits

I hid Ms. Indiana’s weave
Under the floorboards buried
I sold out poor Ms. Idaho
And told them she was married

I gave Ms. Ohio wheat bread
So she broke out in hives
I told them all Ms. Illinois
Was really 25

I stained Ms. Texas’ evening gown
With red and orange spots
I ratted out Ms. Nebraska
Cause she was smoking pot

I hugged and kissed Ms. Florida
Until her make up smudged
I told them that Ms. Oregon
Was sleeping with a judge

I threw out Ms. Connecticut’s
Depilatory
Found pics of poor Ms. Michigan
Doing pornography

Told Georgia that her talent show
Jokes just weren’t funny
Decapitated Ms. Kentucky’s
Ventriloquist dummy

Went over judge’s questions and
I told them it was clear
That world peace and human rights
Just weren’t in this year

And so it came to judging time
I beat out all the rest
As they became disqualified
I won the whole contest

They talked about my victory
And what would be expected
I was to be a role model
Looked up to and respected

Give uplifting speeches and
Give help to charities
So maybe this whole pageant thing
Just isnt for me

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