The Deal Of A Lifetime

Hello I’m Trisha Trashmeister
You’re gonna say ‘no way!’
When I show you the product that
I have for you today

It’s an electric tea pot that
You put upon the shelf
It actually can brew the tea
Up all by itself

It finds the little tea bags with
These cute electric arms
And brews it up quite perfectly
It works just like a charm

And if you set the timer you’ll
Have tea at breakfast time
Call now and it’s a steal for only
$19.99

I guarantee you will find nothing
Like it at the store
So call in the next hour and
What’s that? There’s something more!

For just today a super deal
Be pleasantly surprised
Because for just ten dollars more
This row of chopping knives

I say they are the most amazing
Of your silverware
They purée carrots, lima beans
They’ll even cut your hair

This is for you if you do find
That chopping food’s a chore
You really have to get these knives
But what’s that? Wait! There’s more!

Do you struggle with acne, wrinkles
Bags and sags and spots?
Hate surgery and Restilin
Afraid of Botox shots?

Well look no further cause your skin
Is gonna be just fine
With this amazing product yours
For just 9.99

So for just 40 bucks you’ll get
The teapot and the cream
With the row of chopping knives
No, this is not a dream!

Cause while supplies last you can have
A brand new almanac
My arms and legs and I’ll throw in
The shirt right off my back

And antique silver doodads so
That you can hold your corn
A quilt that my grandmother made
And even my first born

But better call while supplies last
Cause you can never tell
When they’ll come round to put me back
Into my padded cell.

imgres-2

The Sociopath At The High School Reunion

Quietly I sit in the back
And look at all of the bitches
Mental notes of their degeneration
The stuff I store like riches.

Tammy’s ass has got so fat
Gina turned into her mother
Yvette has all but lost her chin
Lisa showed up with her brother,

Christine hasn’t done her roots
And I can see her hair’s really grey
Evelyn should know all that Botox
Ain’t foolin’ no one anyway.

Ellen cashiers in a grocery store
And can you say the word boozer?
Jennifer hasn’t stepped away from the bar
And her husband is kind of a loser.

I leave with a smile on my face
For now it’s so easy to see
They should have known better than to tempt karma’s fate
When they decided to pick on me.

images-3

photo credit: someecards.com

http://dailypost.wordpress.com/2014/03/10/weekly-writing-challenge-golden-years/

Moi? Blogger Of The Year?

So yesterday something wonderful happened to me…twice. I was nominated Blogger of the Year…twice!

I know when you get these nominations the protocol is to…well let’s just say it’s a bit complicated as apparently it involves cutting and pasting html, links that are actually supposed to work and look presentable, and nominating your own set of bloggers for the award.

As a woman over 40 years old (I know, I know, I don’t look it do I?) these things just don’t come naturally to me. I am simply not part of this technologically advanced generation. And as for making nominations of my own, equally as stressful, as I simply can not fathom who to put in, who to leave out, who needs the mention more than the others, and who simply would not care whether I mentioned them or not.

So the first thing I want to do is thank the two bloggers who nominated me. The first is Sparrow http://spacemonkeytwins.wordpress.com/. Sparrow’s blogs would be worth checking out for her amazing water colors alone, but what amazes me about Sparrow is that her subject manner and presentation can be so simple (a baby’s tooth, a walk in the park) yet she manages to bring her blogs to life in such vivid detail. I almost feel like I have held her darling Space Monkey Twins a thousand times.

You can also join my other nominator on her site One In A Million Baby, http://theoneinamillionbaby.wordpress.com/ and follow her through a journey which includes a pregnancy fraught with complications as well as all the other joys and obstacles of motherhood. Tessa speaks with a clear intelligent voice and presents smart opinions which make you laugh, cry and think.

I would also like to take this opportunity to thank the followers who actually do follow and read my blog, the followers who no longer read my blog, but did not delete me, sparing me the depression of watching those numbers fall (cause kharmas a biatch, yo), my family who has put up with me making fun of them in so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so many blogs, and of course, more than anything, I would like to thank Satan without whom none of this would be possible.

I would also like to mention that since winning these awards, I will be answering only to the name Her Majesty Rock N’ Roll Supermom. Also, my appearance may change radically due to all the botox and plastic surgery my agent has advised me to get. Also, now that I will be so overwhelmed by feedback, bloggers that do not immediately get a response in my comment section may email me privately for an autographed picture. Thank you.

My Agent

My Agent

 

http://theoneinamillionbaby.wordpress.com/2014/03/07/they-love-me-they-really-love-me/

http://spacemonkeytwins.wordpress.com/2014/03/06/my-gosh-blog-of-the-year-award/