The Great Ice Cream Caper: A Horror Story

The eggs fry on the sidewalks Mother
Nature has a fever
Dismayed am I at the abyss
That is my empty freezer

On days like this when forecasts for
The week just say ‘real hot!’
It seems a bit of ice cream would
Be best to hit the spot

So off in my jalopy I
Head to the grocery store
To thus procure a pint or two
Or maybe three or four

Transaction done back in the car
Scarce time for my seat belt
Priority to get these darn things
Home before they melt

With burning rubber hit the gas
And out the lot I swerve
But there comes old Ms. Flannery
Can you believe the nerve?

Totally oblivious
To my sweet dairy needs
She crosses right before my car
At a turtle like speed

I honk the horn she startles and
Then scurries out the way
I’m glad she didn’t fall I might
Have been there the whole day

And now on to the avenue
I near taste sweet cold bliss
But push the brakes into a halt
Oh what fresh hell is this?

I honk the horn and target a
New source for my aggression
For now I see I’m in back of
A funeral procession

Maneuvering IΒ nearly nudge
A long sleek darkened limo
And squeeze myself right in between
The hearse and grieving widow

I tell her that condolences
Are very deeply felt
Now could she get out of the way
My ice cream’s gonna melt

But still slowly they crawled along
Despite my aggravation
I tell you that these people just
Have no consideration

And finally I’m almost there
The sweat seeps on my brow
I’m so close I tell you I can nearly
Taste the ice cream now

But suddenly my hopes and dreams
Just slowly start to droop
For now it seemsΒ a little waif
Sits crying on my stoop

She sniffs out a narration clogged
With snot proceeds to tell
Some story of skinned knees or is
Timmy caught in a well

I tell her “Child I have no time
To help you with your plight
There’s ice cream in the car might melt
Before I get a bite!”

She looks at me in disbelief
And then scurries away
So so much so for the compassion
Of these kids today

But ‘nough lamenting the misfortune
Of the little punk
For I’ve got more important things
Awaiting in my trunk

But as I open it I stare
In utter disbelief
And in just minutes go through all
The five stages of grief

Because inside my car there is
No ice cream that I see
In all my haste guess I forgot
To take it home with me

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105 thoughts on “The Great Ice Cream Caper: A Horror Story

  1. LMAO! I’ve been in a rush before when people get in the way. It’s usually associated with when Mother Nature calls. But I’ve also gone to the store and purchased items, only to have to do the walk of shame and ask the cashier if he/she had seen my items.

  2. Pingback: Reblog: The Great Ice Cream Caper – HemmingPlay

  3. I got agitated from the very opening, sensing how blistering hot it was. Ugh…. You know me and the heat. Then with the trials and trevails you suffered, all to obtain a sweet treat! Somehow I got it in my head the ending would be a bad dream. One in which little children would chant, “I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice-scream!”

    Ps. I loved you rhyming trunk with punk! Haha.

    • I was trying to find the perfect ending and my son suggested that she found out she was actually dead…which seems fitting for a 13 year old boy…in fact, that’s how he tells me to end all my blogs….but not far from the bad dream idea you had. Always great to have you commenting here! I knew you would sympathize!

  4. I know this one all too well, Marissa. In my neck of the woods, it’s farm machines with their slow orange triangles on the back! Or road construction. Loved the twist at the end! How embarrassing/disappointing. πŸ™‚

  5. Being in AZ, I can really appreciate your plight. We should have ice cream sirens to post on top of our cars when in the throes of our dairy delivery. You just have to remember your frozen treat!

  6. I was actually relieved at the end. I was sure you were going to find a sticky, sweet puddle. This is when we need an ice cream truck going through the neighborhood a couple times a day.

  7. Loved when you wrote, “and in just minutes go through all the five stages of grief.” The heat here is quite unforgiving also. Thoughts of ice cream dance in my head. πŸ™‚

  8. As I’m reading this, I’m thinking … how badly can this go? I mean, you wedged yourself into a funeral procession and then totally dismissed a crying child.
    … but I did not see the ending coming and I actually gasped! Karma. She’s a bitch.

  9. Funny, I just finished a couple scoops before reading this. It isn’t fair when the deceased are cold, and the ice cream isn’t. Don’t listen to that karma talk. I think it’s just a misspelling of caramel.

  10. Oh the trials and tribulations of getting ice cream in the summer time, and to think, a funeral procession on top of it all! Then the absolute crushing moment of finding you had no ice cream at all! Just excruciating! I love Dorothy Parker, by the way πŸ™‚

  11. Come on over, Marissa! I’ve got NY Superfudge, Chocolate Hazelnut Truffle,Strawberry Cheesecake and Chocolate Peanut Butter + hot fudge and whipped cream. Oh my God, I have a serious problem. Please come over, so I can blame some of this on you!!!

    • OMG! This definitely qualifies the expense of a plane ticket. I mean, what will those poor ice creams do without me? But seriously, do you really have those flavors? What brand are they?

      • Haha! I do. I have them all. Let me go check my freezer…beep boop bop…NY Super Fudge is Ben & Jerry’s, as well as Strawberry Cheesecake. Chocolate Peanut Butter is Breyer’s Gelato. The Chocolate Hazelnut is store brand (Harris Teeter). I’m so ashamed!!!

      • Oh yeah, I don’t get to buy mush of the top brand stuff anymore now that I have kids. I’ve had the Breyer’s gelato a couple of times when it’s on sale. B&J, can’t see spending for a little pint what I can get in quart…although maybe for a treat now and then. They are quite delicious. As you may have guessed, I have no problem with store brands, especially if they make interesting flavors. Some of them are quite good!

      • Oh yeah…I’m definitely not opposed to store brands either. I try to buy the pints in an effort to keep myself from eating a whole gallon!

  12. Is that like walking into the room
    but forgetting why you walk in in the first place
    Ice cream minds
    All melted and sweet
    Leave you keys on the counter
    But when you leave the store you can’t find your keys
    Ice cream minds
    All melted and sweet

    • Yes, well let’s not belittle the problem here Sheldon! I mean, this isn’t simply walking into a room and then forgetting why you’re there. In that case you just walk out. Can’t really be compared to a wasted carton of ice cream now can it?? Ha, ha! Lovely poem!

  13. Oh no! I would be lost without my ice cream, Marissa.
    So so sad about our forgetfulness!
    Sea salt caramel truffle and bourbon butter pecan are my two favorites! πŸ™‚ Yours are probably chocolate with dark chocolate ripple and double chocolate with chocolate chips! πŸ™‚

  14. I can totally understand the frustration. I hate melted ice cream and you have no idea how much I hate to forget something πŸ™‚
    I have to admit that I’m a bit thankful that is not that hot here but then again, I had to take a fleece blanket a couple of days ago because it was very cold during the night. And it’s still summer!! πŸ™‚

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