The Deal Of A Lifetime

Hello I’m Trisha Trashmeister
You’re gonna say ‘no way!’
When I show you the product that
I have for you today

It’s an electric tea pot that
You put upon the shelf
It actually can brew the tea
Up all by itself

It finds the little tea bags with
These cute electric arms
And brews it up quite perfectly
It works just like a charm

And if you set the timer you’ll
Have tea at breakfast time
Call now and it’s a steal for only
$19.99

I guarantee you will find nothing
Like it at the store
So call in the next hour and
What’s that? There’s something more!

For just today a super deal
Be pleasantly surprised
Because for just ten dollars more
This row of chopping knives

I say they are the most amazing
Of your silverware
They purée carrots, lima beans
They’ll even cut your hair

This is for you if you do find
That chopping food’s a chore
You really have to get these knives
But what’s that? Wait! There’s more!

Do you struggle with acne, wrinkles
Bags and sags and spots?
Hate surgery and Restilin
Afraid of Botox shots?

Well look no further cause your skin
Is gonna be just fine
With this amazing product yours
For just 9.99

So for just 40 bucks you’ll get
The teapot and the cream
With the row of chopping knives
No, this is not a dream!

Cause while supplies last you can have
A brand new almanac
My arms and legs and I’ll throw in
The shirt right off my back

And antique silver doodads so
That you can hold your corn
A quilt that my grandmother made
And even my first born

But better call while supplies last
Cause you can never tell
When they’ll come round to put me back
Into my padded cell.

imgres-2

Advertisements

87 thoughts on “The Deal Of A Lifetime

  1. But WAIT! That’s not all!
    We’ll also conveniently charge your credit card in 42 installments for the super low price of 9.99 a month! That includes automatic renewal for the rest of your life, or until you declare bankruptcy, whichever comes last.
    Oh and we’ll throw in some ginzu knives too. 🙂
    Fun post!

  2. “Will even cut your hair!” cracked me up. I don’t know why this used to be the case but when I had horrible insomnia, these infomercials held me spellbound. Like seriously riveted to the set seeing how much the price would get slashed and nodding my head in agreement that at $29.99 it was an absolute steal but now at only $19.99, it was the crime of the century! (Love all your topic ideas!)

    • Thanks Stephanie! Yes, they do make these things seem awfully tempting but just the way they go for the hard sell tells me that somehow they’re not all they’re cracked up to be. However, through an insomnia induced haze, everything can look different.

  3. You nailed it, Marissa. Those commercials are so annoying! The newest one that gets played over and over here is that adhesive that only sets with UV lighting. But wait! Order now and get a 2nd laser glue gun FREE! 😀

  4. OMG…I am laughing out loud!
    It reminds me of the ONE time my daughter talked me into buying an “amazing” egg poaching device. Not only did the device not work, I was roped into a 2.99 monthly membership fee.
    The padded cell would have come in handy working with the customer service department.
    I just love my Monday morning Marissa fix.

    • Thanks Michelle! I don’t know what it is about those products. They make them look so amazing on TV but you just somehow know that they’re not going to be ‘as advertised’ once you get them home. Still, they just keep driving down the price, adding more items…it’s awfully tempting.

  5. We are often joking around in this TV shopping style…. It is too funny! I love the flow and your creative ideas, Marissa. Each one of your poems is such an experience! YAY!

  6. Love it! Well played. Back to number one google if you disbelieve, i had a teasmaid that sat by the bed an alarm was set the tea got made then the radio woke you when it brewed.

  7. This was just amazing with the little arms and its ability to make tea without any help at all from the buyer. It made me think of a miniature robot, Marissa. You nearly had me buying this!! I also liked the extra knives since my grown children raid my silverware drawers ALL the time! I do think that the commenter who mentioned billing was a great comment and then, the way Joanne threw in Duplicates or Double the Offers, was outstanding, too! Smiles and hugs, since you did a fantastic sales job today, now you may bask with your own set of tea pot, knives, etc. which the company will pay your salary with products, don’t you know?!

  8. I saw a commercial this morning advertising a giant, human-sized teddy bear for $99.99. It wasn’t even being advertised to kids! They were marketing it towards men getting Valentine’s gifts for women. Because that’s what a grown woman really wants in life – a monstrous stuffed animal to have to find space for. It was really weird!

    By the way, wanted to let you know that I am nominating you to write a letter to your future self. I don’t know if you normally participate in these things, but if you’re interested, you can find the rules on my blog: https://justinqueso.wordpress.com/2016/02/09/letter-to-future-me/

    Hope you decide to do it – it’d be cool to read a letter in poetry form 🙂

  9. Oh Lordy have you gotten belly laughs out of me. You are too much, Marissa! Yet there is quite a bit of truth to these words due to all the “scams” out there that people fall for ending up with junk and empty promises. Glorious!! Your name should be GLORY. You are just fab!!! ❤

  10. Great! The electric arms jolted my memory back to when I took my dad’s quote of ‘poker machine’s take all your money!’, way to literally, and thought people sit in a chair, electric arms with white gloves reach into your pockets, and take all your cash. I could never understand why people would bother actively pursuing such activities.

  11. Very funny, Marissa!
    I love to watch my kids watching those commercials, it’s pretty funny how kids think about that crazy person trying to sell stuff 🙂

The Blood Trail Starts Here...

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s