The Grocery Shopper’s Bible

Thou shalt not try to check out on
The line that says express
Unless thy cart truly does have
15 items or less

Thou shalt treat fellow shoppers with
A kindness and compassion
And put your items on the belt
In a most timely fashion

And similarly if you are
Behind me in the line
Thou shalt not put your items up
‘Til I’m done putting mine

Thou shalt not stand in front of me
Thinking you’re pretty smart
And have Aunt Gladys come last minute
With a filled up cart

Thou shalt fill out checks in advance
And not attempt to rile
Shoppers by leaving unattended
Carts amid the aisles

So follow these commandments and
I guarantee you this
A spot in grocery heaven and
Eternal shopper’s bliss

If these commandments you do break
One thing to know for sure
Thou shalt not kill’s revoked for those
Scorned at the grocery store

Inspired by my friend Rob at V-PubΒ and his post The Big Freakin’ Bag.



99 thoughts on “The Grocery Shopper’s Bible

    • Oh no, now you see, that is probably the fault of whoever is in front of you. If they see you in that situation, they need to get their items up ASAP or at least put one of those dividers up and shove their items in so you can be unburdened!!

  1. Thanks for the shout-out, Marissa! I love your ‘commandments’. In full disclosure, I have to confess that I am one of those shoppers who counts what others have while in the express lane. A shoppers pet peeve. πŸ˜€

    • Hey, that is not your fault, that is theirs. They shouldn’t have too many items on those lanes. If they are one or two items over, no big deal but the ones who come on with full orders…the nerve! And a lot of times the cashier won’t say anything! There’s one place I go where the customers do that constantly and i asked the cashier about it and she said that when she tries to ask them to leave the line, they’re so rude that she’d just rather ring them up and not say anything!

    • Aside from counting the number of items they have, I also take into account the efficiency of the cashier. Some of the cashiers are just too slow for my liking and worse, others would just gossip around with their coworkers or customers while working which affect their speed most of the time.

  2. oh, oh, oh … can I add more?!!!

    The person who chats on the phone the entire time they are in the checkout line, requiring the cashier to request payment more than once … THEN they start looking for their wallet.

    …. or the person who crowds my personal space when I’m paying. IF you’re going to be that close to me, it better be because you are whipping out your card to pay on my behalf!

  3. If only everyone would follow these commandments! I will think of your poem when I go my shopping this afternoon and try to be good. I found you blog via the sisterhood award. Although I don’t do awards now I have enjoyed exploring the blogs of other nominees. Yours has been a pleasure! All the best to you in 2016!

  4. Enhanced penalties for bad check writing behavior to be added to those shopping with WIC coupons who don’t separate the items into WIC and Non-WIC sligible.

  5. Judging from the amount of comments here, Marissa, I’d say you really struck a nerve with this one…I agree with Erika that this really does need to be displayed above all check out lines.

  6. I agree with Erika 100%. As funny as this is, it should be hung everywhere. Another example is people waiting for the bus here in NYC and one person muscles their way in front to be the first on board, then they start rifling through the purse for their change holding everyone up. Nicely done Marissa

  7. Hehe – I think more people need to find out about these ‘rules’ of the grocery store. Then more people wouldn’t mind going shopping! (personally I don’t like grocery shopping and people with too many items in the express lineup in front of me is a major bummer!)

  8. In my experience, the “express” counter is the slowest most of the time.

    Also, I always find that when there are many people, some counters are closed but when it’s not busy, all counters are opened…

    I suppose that this is the Murphy’s law in action in the grocery store setting πŸ™‚

  9. I laughed all the way through and yes, have experienced those arrogant shoppers and their selfish attitudes. Great idea to put your poem up at the supermarket – but will it make a difference? Me thinks not!!
    Happy New Year Marissa! πŸŽ†πŸŽ‰πŸΎ

  10. Every single store in the world should post this!!!! And you could become independently wealthy. Or hired by the stores and go around finding offenders. Life could be so much better….for all of us…..if only this would happen.

  11. Brilliant, especially the line about the express line. I am also very honest when it comes to obeying its item limits. Lately I have been doing the self-check out, give me a feeling of being a supermarket worker for longer than normal, as it takes me so long to swipe the things.

    • The self check out is okay. It’s kind of fun to use but I also feel like it’s best if you only have a few items. I don’t know what the set up is like over there but here you have to pile everything beside the scanner and if you try to take something out and put it in the cart to make more room, it starts yelling at you and refusing to work and then if you try to get help the woman looks at you like you were trying to steal something and they you explain to her that you weren’t trying to steal and that makes you look even worse….and…and…oh, has anyone seen my valium?

      • Yeah, it is just as chaotic – space wise- that is, also time wise. It also stuffs up a lot, like you said, and gives you the feeling of being an item stealer for a solid segment of time. The shops, my gosh, one of my favourite places

  12. Brava Marissa. It’s not like it is a new experience. Get the stuff out of the cart,get your bags out before the bagger needs them, and have that payment ready! And let the clerk do the job,stop the chit chat, if you are friends call her after work. Some of us have things to do. Like pee.

  13. Marissa, I went to my daughter’s house (she nribed me with stuffed shells with a realky tasty mest sauce), after the dentist’s office, after work yesterday.
    There are my list of excuses for missing this funny and satirical poem!! πŸ™‚
    You have some great additions, you could have an Addendum to the “Grocery Shopper’s Bible!” πŸ˜‰

    • I’m not sure if I read that one but I’m running short on time right now. I’ll have to get back to it.

      Love the rhyme Stephanie. I passed expired coupons before, I think mostly be accident, like I notice as I’m handing it over and just figure, what the hey?? Gosh, I hope it never lead to such dire repercussions!

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